won't eat "in public"

OlderGuy

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In an earlier post you said "there's got to be more to it" because she had been tested and her thyroid is fine and you say you've seen what she eats. It's possible that when you aren't around her she eats things you don't see. I was friends with an obese married couple. They always used to say "we eat healthy, we are just bigger people, slower metabolisms etc"... I kinda believed them because I had gone to college with the husband and he had started out as a husky (Because of Football) guy, and throughout college gotten fatter and fatter.

That was all until I lived with them. I stayed with them for about a summer and it opened my eyes to what they REALLY ate. HUGE portions, sugary snacks, ice cream, rum etc. They would skip breakfast and eat two huge meals and then a huge snack right before bed. It became painfully obvious that their eating habits, as is the case 99% of the time, was the problem with their weight.

She may have issues not only eating in front of others, but she may be hiding her bad eating habits from you. Either way, she has to want to change more than she wants to continue eating whatever she wants when she wants.

I believe we should love people, and sometimes that means telling them things they don't want to hear. Being obese is not healthy nor beautiful. It's dangerous and costly not only to the person who is obese, but also to society in general. It's definitely worth fighting that windmill, especially if you value your wife's enjoyment of life as well as longevity.
+1
 

sbat

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Yes, because of course I was advocating that. Thank you for your erudite answer.

Yes, we need carbs. Cutting carbs does not mean reducing your carb intake to zero. Most people can get enough carbs incidentally with the food they eat but can still cut out things like bread and sweets that are almost pure simple carbs. When eating carbs, complex carbohydrates are the target foods.

Ever wonder why you get so thirsty when you eat pizza or pasta or other carb-heavy foods? Because you need to "hydrate" them. But thank you for the chemistry lesson.

The reason why we have those "low carb" diets is not because carbs themselves are bad. Its because the carbohydrates available in the "normal" obesity inducing diets are simple processed carbs. There are many types of carbs, and trust me, you do yourself a nutritional disservice in the long term if you make a generalized statement of "cut the carbs" or simply reduce your carb total without changing the types of carbs you eat (for example, eating whole wheat bread instead of white, or brown/wild rice instead of white rice, fresh squeezed orange juice with pulp instead of soda).

So while the thinking behind the "low carb" craze is understandable, its ultimately not sustainable to have a protein dominated diet - we get energy from carbs and fats, and a healthy balance in the long term is something along the lines of 3grams carbs to 2 grams protein.
 

dolfette

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Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com
^^this site is free and it's a really good way to keep track. it's a lot easier to keep an eye on your diet & exercise when you see it laid out this way. she might like it.

i struggle with eating in public. actually, sometimes i struggle with eating at all. my kids are used to me eating in my room, because sometimes i need to be alone to get anything down.

is it really that big a deal? it might be small thing to her that just makes her feel comfortable, that you're blowing up out of proportion.

if she's anything like me, trying to convince her may only make it harder.
 

Mumzi

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Women have more fat cells and it tends to be harder to loose weight as we get older.
Hormones factor in too. When we gain weight fat cells get bigger and that makes weight management a bit tougher than someone who has never gained much weight.

If she's heavy,she knows it. Let her know you love her. Being overweight can cause depression and eating is comforting. Antidepressants are helpful,but some can cause weight gain.

It is true tho that depending on her age and family back ground she could develops diabetes and heart disease.
Eating better Is a family affair. We don't eat sugar and don't have it in the house. I love chocolate milk, so it was a hard habit for me to break. The more sugar one takes in, the more we crave.
I found in time I stopped craving chocolate. I'm also a picky eater. Don't like many things, but what I did like was usually chocolate in some way. I won't eat meat or fish.
I'm just an odd one.

I'm lucky my husband cooks, it's is a stress reliever for him. So since the kids were born we've kept sugar out of the house. We do eat A lot of fruit, veggies and raw veggies with sauce. Lucky my husband is creative.

Exercise. Can you do something together? That helps me.

I'll add some links. Pilates is an accepted method of exercise for over 50 years and was developed by a physican.
I do that and have for years. There is something called vibration exercise. I've read articles on it about MS patients and how it helps muscles. Recently hailed for weight loss and muscle strength.
My husband and I have read some things about it, and it may have promise but you'd really need to have check up and tell your doc about your plans first.

I'm including some links. Nice your concerned about her. But also give her some space.
------------

How Vibration Exercise Can Improve Circulation | 3FC


Shake your way to fitness


New Exercise Equipment Promises to Shake the Fat Right Off You | Fox News

Whole Body Vibration Machines And How They Work

Do Vibration Plates Really Work? / Fitness / Equipment

lymphaticvibration.com
More about sales



-------http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pilates

Pilates Machines - The Truth About Pilates Machines and Equipment


Pilates - Exercises and Equipment for Strength and Flexibility - Pilates DVD Reviews and More

There are quite a few types of Pilates equipment. Inc a chair. Mat /w mat exercises is good but takes a little more planning in my mind. But it is inexpensive and various weights could be used ( say for 2 people)
I like the large one. If space is a problem, I know people who have set aside space in garage.

I Have this machine from QVC:
* * * *AeroPilates. *Proxp557. Reformer
Qvc "# *F244089. *
$1299. * * *

I wish you both luck and love.
 

dude_007

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It's not what you eat but how you feel about what you are eating.

People who are obese have a hard time losing weight because they do not feel good about eating, mostly because of the shame associated with the discrimination and bullying. The extra weight and the negative emotion makes it hard to be active. It's a hard cycle to break. The emotional aspect is really the starting point.
 

SprinkleMe69

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She is embarrassed to eat "in public." Not public as in restaurants, but as in at group picnics, parties, etc.

We're going to a picnic this afternoon, and she's eating now so she won't be eating there, because she's uncomfortable with people seeing her eat.
.

It a judgment thing (from friends and family). As for restaurants, she doesn't care because it's people she doesn't know. It's all psychological. Beats me why people who responded in this thread tossed in pilates machines and shake weights. :dunno:
 
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twoton

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Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com
^^this site is free and it's a really good way to keep track. it's a lot easier to keep an eye on your diet & exercise when you see it laid out this way. she might like it.

i struggle with eating in public. actually, sometimes i struggle with eating at all. my kids are used to me eating in my room, because sometimes i need to be alone to get anything down.

is it really that big a deal? it might be small thing to her that just makes her feel comfortable, that you're blowing up out of proportion.

if she's anything like me, trying to convince her may only make it harder.


I mentioned apps to her, but she said it's still a matter of measuring and recording everything, and she doesn't want to do that for the rest of her life. She's an engineer by training, so keeping accurate data is second nature to her.

She often eats before the rest of us. Afterward, she'll sit with us, but won't eat. And other times she avoids the kitchen entirely.

It might not be that big of a deal, I was just curious if being embarrassed about eating in public is something other people struggle with.

One thing that worries both of us is that she has obese relatives in their 50s and 60s who are showing signs of weight-related health problems. At one point, a few months ago, she considered a lap band.
 

earllogjam

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I don't know what the answer is. I think every fat person has been ashamed of being fat much like most gay guys I know for being gay. It has to do with fitting in and being accepted. No one wants to be singled out for being different and undesirable.

There is a lot of stigma that comes with being fat in our society, especially for females.

Sometimes it's just easier staying fat and suffering in silence than doing anything about it. Things at rest tend to stay at rest. Food is comfort besides.

But if you start losing weight it's easier to keep on that track. Things in motion tend to stay in motion.
 

twoton

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I wish you both luck and love.

Thanks, Mumzi. We go on walks together once in a while, but not very often. She's a good swimmer, but can't find the time to get to the pool.

We both know there is no easy way to do it, but she is convinced the easy answer is: eat less. She just can't stick to it. Cutting calories leads to headaches, bad mood, etc.
 

twoton

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There is a lot of stigma that comes with being fat in our society, especially for females.

And she used to say about her overweight/obese relatives: "how can they let themselves get that way?"

One time she was really, really angry with me for breaking a date to go hang out with one of my buddies. As she expressed her displeasure verbally, she made and ate an entire batch of no-bake brownies. Later I mentioned the brownie episode, and she claimed to have no memory of making and eating the brownies. It was just an automatic way to deal with stress.
 

MickeyLee

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her "not eating in public" thing is more about her judging herself. she's not happy with her habits/her body/herself. strangers witnessing something she considers a shameful habit forces her to be conscious of feeling she's working hard to keep down. the reasons friends and family don't bother her is cuz the accept her/love her/know her. strangers only see what she considers her most obvious feature/failing.

is not really about what she eats, what society thinks of women and women's bodies.. is all about how she feels about herself.

is kinda sad. cuz there isn't anything wrong with being chubby. is a modern value judgement, and is silly as fuck when you think about it. so what, someone has extra pounds. doesn't say anything about who they are as a person. is all just one more reason to ostracize another human being for a brief jolt of superiority.

ya lady friend needs to do some deep down soul searching.. why she's doing what she's doing. what she's getting out of it. does she really wanna change her ways. ya best bet is being supportive.. and maybe a lil boot in the ass-ish when required.
 

earllogjam

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her "not eating in public" thing is more about her judging herself. she's not happy with her habits/her body/herself. strangers witnessing something she considers a shameful habit forces her to be conscious of feeling she's working hard to keep down. the reasons friends and family don't bother her is cuz the accept her/love her/know her. strangers only see what she considers her most obvious feature/failing.

is not really about what she eats, what society thinks of women and women's bodies.. is all about how she feels about herself.

is kinda sad. cuz there isn't anything wrong with being chubby. is a modern value judgement, and is silly as fuck when you think about it. so what, someone has extra pounds. doesn't say anything about who they are as a person. is all just one more reason to ostracize another human being for a brief jolt of superiority.

ya lady friend needs to do some deep down soul searching.. why she's doing what she's doing. what she's getting out of it. does she really wanna change her ways. ya best bet is being supportive.. and maybe a lil boot in the ass-ish when required.

My fatness when I was 35lbs heavier was a physical manifestation of my depression and isolation from people. I was not a happy person then - low energy, high blood pressure, pre-diabetic, ankle, back and foot problems, and just the constant feeling of being sexually undesirable and feeling lazy all the time because it was just harder to move. I think being obese DOES say something about you as a person especially if you were once healthy and energetic and happy as his wife seemed to be. Being fat was not healthy for me, mentally or physically. I'm still a bit chunky but certainly not obese and a whole lot more sexually desirable. :)
 

TheBestYouCan

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Thanks, Mumzi. We go on walks together once in a while, but not very often. She's a good swimmer, but can't find the time to get to the pool.

We both know there is no easy way to do it, but she is convinced the easy answer is: eat less. She just can't stick to it. Cutting calories leads to headaches, bad mood, etc.

And she used to say about her overweight/obese relatives: "how can they let themselves get that way?"

One time she was really, really angry with me for breaking a date to go hang out with one of my buddies. As she expressed her displeasure verbally, she made and ate an entire batch of no-bake brownies. Later I mentioned the brownie episode, and she claimed to have no memory of making and eating the brownies. It was just an automatic way to deal with stress.

This sheds a lot of light on the subject.. at first you made it seem as if she follows a good diet and just can't lose weight.. now we see that this isn't the case.

It now appears that , as I mentioned in an earlier post, she is probably eating things that you are not seeing, hiding it from you, or you haven't divulged here that she does indeed eat poorly, thus causing her weight gain.

MickeyLee has a point about loving people, but as I said earlier, loving people sometimes entails telling them things they don't want to hear or pushing them to do things they think they can't. Being "chubby" and being obese are two different things... and often being chubby is just a precursor to being obese. It's bad for one's health in so many ways.

It sounds like you really need a heart to heart with her to lay out on the table that you would like to help her change if she want's to, the benefits of changing, the detriments of not changing, and what she is doing now to cause her to be where she is.. and also how she would feel if she could eat in front of others again.

Being supportive of someone is often mistaken for agreeing and going along with whatever they decide to do. In that definition it makes no sense as some choices (such as overeating) are self destructive. For some reason weight is something hugely taboo to confront people with, and yet it seems expressing disgust or concern with people with drinking or smoking habits is readily acceptable... when in actuality being overweight causes far more problems than either.
 

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This sheds a lot of light on the subject.. at first you made it seem as if she follows a good diet and just can't lose weight.. now we see that this isn't the case.

Well, I should add that was then, this is now. There was a time, years ago, when she did eat like that. The weight slowly came on. Over the past ten years she's really cleaned up her eating but the weight won't come off. I mean, she still has a candy habit (no chocolate--allergy). She eats tons of fresh fruit and veggies, etc. Overall, she eats 1800-2000 calories consistently, has been doing so for a long time, and still gains weight. She knows she should probably drop to <1500 but can't do it.
 

OlderGuy

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Can't or won't do it? Myfitnesspal helps you do 1200, 1500, whatever calories per day you want. If she doesn't want to track it that accurately, have her do what Body for Life recommends - portions the size of your fist, six meals per day, lots of fresh fruit and veggies (or healthy smoothies), cut the sweetened drinks and salted snacks. Add in exercise so she's burning more calories per day than she's taking in and her body will respond. It is a chemical machine and it can't not.

It's easy for people to say "I can't find the time to workout" or "I can't lose weight." You have to make the time by treating yourself first, as if your health and fitness are most important - because they are. In my case, I get up at 0500 on weekdays so I can work out before I start working. That's not for everyone. The trick is to make something work for you. It takes strength of will. With you helping her, she can do it. Unless of course she doesn't really want to...
 
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D_Sandy_Krautch

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No one loses weight by dieting alone.

There's so much bullshit in that I almost can't deal with it.
*ahem* it shouldn't be called "dieting". A diet is simply "whatever you put in your mouth". Good, bad, low calorie, high calorie, good "carohidrates"(lol)... whatever. It's all diet. What you're talking about is a diet PLAN, and you're dead damned wrong. I lost 50 pounds in about 4 months doing absolutely NOTHING more than eating the proper amount of calories. I didn't move a muscle (almost literally, thanks to my back issues). I have since, started working out, lost another 60, and put on about 20 pounds of muscle. Working out, frankly, is a shit weight loss plan. Eat to lose, train to gain. Until you've dropped a ton of weight, don't run off at the mouth :)

twoton, you said that she should drop to 1500 calories a day. Maybe not. Personally, I hold weight if I drop below about 14-1600. How many calories she needs depends entirely on how many calories she uses. The heavier she is, the higher her basal metabolic rate is, the higher her gross calorie intake NEEDS to be. Talk to me in PM about it. I know you're not allowed to bring it up to her, but I may be able to help. My story gets through to a lot of people. We might be able to make something work :)

As for the eating in public thing... I am not overweight anymore. I still struggle with that. Every time I eat a protein bar in public, I freak for a second, thinking that people will look at me and see a fat girl eating a candy bar. For a moment, I feel like people judge me when I walk in for a nonfat frozen yogurt, or God forbid I eat something legitimately bad for me in public, on a cheat day. I've gotten good at pretending those thoughts don't cross my mind... but they do, and likely always will.
 
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sbat

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Thanks, Mumzi. We go on walks together once in a while, but not very often. She's a good swimmer, but can't find the time to get to the pool.

We both know there is no easy way to do it, but she is convinced the easy answer is: eat less. She just can't stick to it. Cutting calories leads to headaches, bad mood, etc.

Very few worthwhile things are "easy"
 

lucky8

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There's so much bullshit in that I almost can't deal with it.
*ahem* it shouldn't be called "dieting". A diet is simply "whatever you put in your mouth". Good, bad, low calorie, high calorie, good "carohidrates"(lol)... whatever. It's all diet. What you're talking about is a diet PLAN, and you're dead damned wrong. I lost 50 pounds in about 4 months doing absolutely NOTHING more than eating the proper amount of calories. I didn't move a muscle (almost literally, thanks to my back issues). I have since, started working out, lost another 60, and put on about 20 pounds of muscle. Working out, frankly, is a shit weight loss plan. Eat to lose, train to gain. Until you've dropped a ton of weight, don't run off at the mouth :)

Well congratufuckinglations. You are in the vast minority. Go talk to any doctor and they will tell you what I said about dieting and de-stimulating the metabolism is true. Everyone is different, so there are bound to be exceptions like yourself, and if you're 150 pounds overweight, less caloric intake will inevitably have positive effects, but they're usually limited and the majority of people who "diet" (yes, I will use that word as I please) end up heavier in the long run because they don't actually change their lifestyle for good. Kudos to you for doing so, but for most people, it's an unobtainable dream. That 20 pounds of muscle you put on when you started working out is likely attributable to the muscle mass you lost while you were literally not moving a muscle.