Work Night Out

[Dick&Nuts]

Hi, this isn't a penis related problem but I would really like some advice from as many people as possible. I'm feeling down at the moment so please offer some advice.

Basically I went on a work night out and usually they're ok but this one wasn't. There were ten of us and I'm pretty friendly with one guy who I work with (I'd class him as a friend and the others as work colleagues). I've got to know him well over the last year and enjoy his company. But I am not in the same room as all the others and so I only have a limited interaction with the rest and miss out on a lot of the daily work jokes and e-mails, funny queries and stuff. I do try and interact with them in the corridor or something but it's very limited. When it comes to nights out a lot of the banter is to do with work in their room so I don't really know what they're on about and just resort to listening and laughing at any funny bits. It's usually ok because I've had a couple of drinks and so am feeling less reserved and a bit chattier. I also have a good laugh with my friend and we usually have some banter, sit by each other etc but last night I pretty much ended up sitting there saying virtually nothing, listening to these things I miss out on and the drink wasn't working! I didn't feel really drunk and the others were getting more drunk and more chatty. My friend virtually abandoned me for most of the night and joined in with some of the others and didn't really make any attempt to try and include me. I admit I'm not brilliant in group situations, more a one-to-one kind of person but I kind of expected more from my friend who has got it easier than me to interact with them as he's a bit chattier but also directly works with the others so he's part of the 'in' crowd. We had lunch a few hours earlier and he was great and said he'd missed my presence in work as I'd had the morning off. Why the sudden change? Am I being a bit over sensitive or something? It just eats me up when that kind of situation happens - I don't want to be seen as a sad figure on his own saying nothing in the corner of the room and I'm also concerned that my friend will be less inclined to invite on things in future because I might be like I was last time. God. :dunce:

 

[Pye]

Well-- I think you're being overly sensitive. You said that as the night went on the others got more drunk-- well-- when in that state people are less observant of what is going on. Hence, your friend seeming to abandon you.

He's made it clear that he's your friend though and maybe it was your sensitivity to the fact that you weren't 'in' on the jokes that made you uncomfortable for the night. Situations like that can be very awkward and with a slight buzz it can lead to a feeling of melancholy or lonliness. Just ask your friend about some of the jokes that were being passed on and subtley let him know that you felt left out of the loop. Someone should have made you feel comfortable when they are having conversations which require previous knowledge (but that's what drinking does-- people forget some social responsibilites)

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by Dick&Nuts@Aug 20 2005, 04:04 PM
I'm also concerned that my friend will be less inclined to invite on things in future because I might be like I was last time. God.  :dunce:

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You simply didn’t feel like being chatty and THATS OK.

As Pye mentioned earlier, alcohol can make people forget there responsibilities in a social setting. Your friend probably wasn’t even aware that he abandon his responsibilities and may not even have realized that he abandon you till after the party was over. Talk to him and see if his feelings has actually changed towards you.

Out of curiosity what would you do if he confessed to you that he wanted a friend who was a little more outgoing and talkative? If he did would it be the end of the world. Maybe you should widen your circle of friends so you wouldn’t be so dependent on him in social settings........just a thought.

Feel him out and see if his attitude towards you has change the next time you see him. If so, then its time to find a new friend. The whole idea is that you want a friend who can accept you and your personality.

In any event keep your chin up, we've all have been in your situation before :happy:

 

[steve319]

I'll have to agree with these guys, D&N. I'm thinking that you're maybe being overly concerned about not being as "on" that night as you'd like to have been. It happens, and as AlleyBlu said, that's got to be OK.

Your worry about it might stem from feeling that you're not as socially confident in a crowd as you'd like to be, making you overly sensitive to such perceived differences. And, as Pye so astutely pointed out, alcohol can make that sort of situation worse, on both sides even, making that whole "gap between me and the rest of the world" thing seem immense. Distortion of a sort.

It can be easy to rely on booze as a social lubricant, so to speak, but sometimes it can backfire, leading to misinterpretation, isolation, and harsh self-inspection. Maybe that's what's happening here.

Originally posted by alleyblu@Aug 20 2005, 03:28 PM
Maybe you should widen your circle of friends so you wouldn’t be so dependent on him in social settings........just a thought.

Great advice. Hard to do sometimes, but worth a try. Not saying you should abandon this group, but having a couple of social outlets, with perhaps differing sets of "performance expectations" might help you relax and worry a bit less about it.

How are you feeling about it now that there's some distance from that night?

 

[goodwood]

Dick&Nuts -
Sorry you had an off night. We have all had them. Been there. Done that.
On the positive side - be happy you were not the most wasted person there,
behaving wildly inappropriately to the point that people would forever be like
"WHO was THAT crazy bastard?!"
This is common to regret a lack of performance when one is used to performing so well. It's like, if it's not top notch then it's the bottom of the barrel. Not so - at all. But easy to see why you would think so.
Just, the next time hopefully you will be feeling more "on". And if you are ostracized for not being some idealized party guest then why would you want to go to such parties?
When I have had this happen, yes. People have noticed and even asked mutual acquanitances if I was all right. The point is: IF anyone noticed, perhaps they were concerned for/about you and maybe didn't know how to approach you.
hang in there. Keep your chin up and keep going to the parties.

- G.W.

 

[Dick&Nuts]

Hi. Thanks for the replies. The first day back in work was pretty uncomfortable. My friend was, I thought, being a bit distant and not as chummy as he usually is and I felt self conscious with the others as they were all saying 'What a great night, everyone was mucking in and having a laugh...' I was squirming in my seat! I don't think they're going to hold it against me though unless I make a habit of it! My friend suddenly perked up with me towards the end of the day and thankfully everything's fine now and as it was. He said that you obviously can get high or very low with alcohol and I suffered the latter on that night and everyone else had a good night all the same!

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by Dick&Nuts@Aug 24 2005, 06:53 PM
My friend suddenly perked up with me towards the end of the day and thankfully everything's fine now and as it was. He said that you obviously can get high or very low with alcohol and I suffered the latter on that night and everyone else had a good night all the same!

[post=337654]Quoted post[/post]​

Thats good to hear!
Was he understanding about the way you behaved that evening or do you think he was bothered by it?
Hopefully he'll be a true friend about it all.

 

[headbang8]

Work nights out are truly the inner circle of hell. I sacrifice enough of my personal time to my employer for REAL work, I'm going to keep as much of my evenings private as I can.

The things which make a good co-worker are seldom the things which make a good drinking buddy.

Office Christmas parties are the worst.

And I'm lucky. I work in an office where I actually passably like many of my colleagues. But I have no trouble waving good-bye to them at the end of the day.

 

[madame_zora]

Hard to add much more to the good advice already given, but I'll try. In addition to widening your circle of friends, I would also try to get on somewhat friendlier terms with just one or two more people who are in this group, so you will be able to exchange pleasantreis with a couple of people, not just the one friend. Just as you were having an "off night", your friend may have them too. It's not a good idea to rely so heavily on just one person, because he might feel sullen one day, or be sick and not show up, or have a spat with someone and not want to talk. If you have even a couple people to look upon as friendly faces, it helps, and everyone will feel more at ease, especially you.

These kinds of get-togethers are grueling though. If your presence is not required, you may elect to skip them sometimes when you're not feeling chatty in preference of doing something with a friend that would suit you better. Good luck, and keep us posted.

 

[Cosota]

'Rather alone than in bad company', we say in Latin America. If you are not having a good time, get the hell out of there.

There will be other times when you are in a mood better fit to the occasion. The main point of you being there is having a good time. Don't feel you have an obligation to stay because of your friend, he is obviously not that concern about you. Make up an excuse. Tell them that you have to go because you have a really cool and posh party to attend and that they cannot come because it is only for really nice, good-looking and sober people.

Personally, a night out with a big group of people I barely know would be a tough one for me and I would normally avoid it. I am not completely inept socially but far from being the soul of the party. Over the years I've learn in which type of situations I feel relaxed and comfortable and met enough people compatible with the way I am and my interests to keep me busy when I am feeling like being in the company of others.

(I still wish I could be the soul of the party but hey, I have other assets)
No, I don't mean the size of my penis!!!

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

Although the situation worked out, I think the more important issue comes back to you -- being able to feel more socially comfortable around your friends and colleagues without necessarily "depending" on alcohol to facilitate that comfort.

Don't get me wrong. It feels great to have a brew or two and chat things up, but alcohol -- like you figured -- is a mighty mysterious liquid. Some nights become so terrific and awesome and everyone has a good time, and sometimes it turns things moody and harsh and irritable. Click here for one of my own experiences.

It sounds like you really want your friend to simply acknowledge that you had had a bit of a rough time that night and that he was aware of it. You want him to understand that you're allowed your "bad" social nights and your "good" ones, and that he's still going to like you the same through all of it.

My question is -- you did so well sharing with us -- can't you tell him the same thing?

 

[Pene_Negro_Grande]

Definitely agree with mostly what everyone said....Think you are being a little overly sensitive....I have a friend like you but more verbal about feeling left out when I am with my other friends....Personally I know I have a lot of friends but when I invite another friend out who may not know my other friends as well - I do it so they can interact and meet my other friends....I purposedly will not hang out with or exclusively talk to that person so they will be forced to open up and interact with others....It is hard when you are the glue between others in a group setting....Try to put yourself in your friend's position - if he tried to make you feel comfortable by staying close to you, then his other friends would feel like you or think that since he has you as a new friend - he is forgetting about his old friends....I think you need to take the initiative and include yourself in the conversations and make an effort to lunch with some of the other people....It is always nice to have someone new in a group setting....Personally, I don't drink but when I am in your situation, I do make sure I strike up a conversation with some of the new people to find a common interest....I am very social though....Good luck....

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by Pene_Negro_Grande@Aug 26 2005, 03:43 PM
Definitely agree with mostly what everyone said....Think you are being a little overly sensitive....I have a friend like you but more verbal about feeling left out when I am with my other friends....Personally I know I have a lot of friends but when I invite another friend out who may not know my other friends as well - I do it so they can interact and meet my other friends....I purposedly will not hang out with or exclusively talk to that person so they will be forced to open up and interact with others....It is hard when you are the glue between others in a group setting....Try to put yourself in your friend's position - if he tried to make you feel comfortable by staying close to you, then his other friends would feel like you or think that since he has you as a new friend - he is forgetting about his old friends....I think you need to take the initiative and include yourself in the conversations and make an effort to lunch with some of the other people....It is always nice to have someone new in a group setting....Personally, I don't drink but when I am in your situation, I do make sure I strike up a conversation with some of the new people to find a common interest....I am very social though....Good luck....

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I did'nt think about it that way.......great advice Pene_Negro_Grande!!!!