Working Out The Difference Between Desire For Affection And Desire For Sex

dreambridger

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Oct 31, 2017
Posts
780
Media
102
Likes
7,474
Points
663
Location
St. Louis, MO, USA
Verification
View
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
I specifically want to ask gay men about how they deal with this balance in their adult lives and how they figure this difference both in themselves and whoever they're sleeping with.

Honestly it's something i struggle with, and I'm not even sure how to ask the question. of course every man is different. I've turned dudes off with an expression of affection before, other times I'm sure the dude is just wanting to get off and then he shows up needing to hold a hand, cuddle and make out. and then in relationships it's even harder to delineate. Sometimes I think I'm too affectionate and it turns off gay men, who are generally not very affectionate, at least not in adulthood. I just try to play it cool and go with the flow these days.
 
6

622675

Guest
Need a bit of clarification. Are you talking about Working Out The Difference Between Desire For Affection And Desire For Sex;

1) For you (your desire---)

2) For another guy (his desire---)

3) For you and another guy in a relationship. (cooperative desire--)
 

Brodie888

Worshipped Member
Joined
Dec 10, 2015
Posts
3,056
Media
0
Likes
12,702
Points
233
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
I think the problem is that you think of sex and affection as being interrelated. Which is true for some people but for others they are sometimes and but not all the time. And then there are those who don't see a connection at all.

That's why some guys can do open relationships while others can't.

I wouldn't suggest that you change or expect someone else to change for you.

There isn't a right or wrong, you just have to find someone who thinks the same way you do.

In regards to scaring guys for being too affectionate, sometimes that's just a pacing thing. You are going too intense too fast. Think of it as a dance. You have to meet the other person half way and move in time with them.
 
6

622675

Guest
@levi101 I don't really get it, sorry. "cooperative desire"? I've never heard the term, but it sounds like a pop pseudo-psychology thing. Lists don't help me either. You kinda have to talk like a human with me for me to get you.



If there are just two of you in a room or if there are ten, you must think like an individual.

You have your own sexual desires, your own identity. You know (or should know) what kind of relationship you would choose to have with any individual in the room.

You must also see everyone in the room as an individual. They are all going to have their own perspective, plans, and desires.

Under most conditions you must read (understand) the other person and try to treat them like they want to be treated. They should do the same for you. This is not a process to be ignored or taken lightly.

If you and the other person find that you have positive connections, then you can carefully explore the areas where you agree. This will help prevent you from making moves that others might reject.
 
D

deleted6209261

Guest
So I’m one of those men that prefers to meet guys for cuddling/spooning on the sofa while I play with their hair and am very upfront about it. I also make it very clear that I’m not looking for love as a lot of people often associate the affectionate stuff with wanting love/a relationship. It removes the awkwardness of meeting up and them having other ideas. I’m fortunate enough to have met plenty of guys who enjoy having me for the ‘romantic’ stuff while they have other guys for their more X rated needs.

I’d say that the best approach is for you to be upfront before you meet the guys. That way they have no reason to get turned off and you don’t have to waste your time or wind up in awkward situations. If you’re meeting guys off apps/sites, the question of what you’re into always comes up so that’s your opportunity to say.
 

bigbigdhunter

Legendary Member
Gold
Platinum Gold
Joined
May 5, 2017
Posts
1,211
Media
0
Likes
2,473
Points
433
Location
London (Greater London, England)
Sexuality
80% Gay, 20% Straight
Gender
Male
So I’m one of those men that prefers to meet guys for cuddling/spooning on the sofa while I play with their hair and am very upfront about it. I also make it very clear that I’m not looking for love as a lot of people often associate the affectionate stuff with wanting love/a relationship. It removes the awkwardness of meeting up and them having other ideas. I’m fortunate enough to have met plenty of guys who enjoy having me for the ‘romantic’ stuff while they have other guys for their more X rated needs.

I’d say that the best approach is for you to be upfront before you meet the guys. That way they have no reason to get turned off and you don’t have to waste your time or wind up in awkward situations. If you’re meeting guys off apps/sites, the question of what you’re into always comes up so that’s your opportunity to say.
This sounds perfect ;) I’m the same. I need intimacy during foreplay and sex too otherwise I’m not turned on. No matter how hot, hung etc. Kissing especially
 
  • Like
Reactions: deleted955030