Would someone with anxiety be a deal breaker for you?

[589189]

I have yet to meet a person who can actually prove what another person is actually thinking.
Thinking is invisible, silent, has no flavour, or texture.
Only our actions are visible, or can be experienced.
We can only draw conclusions about other people based on their actions.
Even if we get it right, and can correctly guess what a person may have been thinking, how does this affect what we actually know about them based on their actions.

 

[lafever]

It's not easy being green.
I think most but not all people are generally judgmental which is a shame because those are friendships that never get to grow.
Just think of a new friend like this, you have a new plant.
If you don't water it enough it'll dry up, if you water it too much it'll drown, not enough sun it'll grow fast and tall but fall over because the trunk isn't strong enough, too much sun and the roots will go deep but the leaves will burn.
It's when you've found the right balance that you become attractive to others.

C.

 

[Big4Asia]

anxiety disorders are tough on the people around you - and some people will shrink away from them. That's their right.

That doesn't mean that anxiety is a life sentence to loneliness, many people will see it as a part of who you are and as a minor part. But we shouldn't vilify those who say 'it's just too hard, for me'

 

[rtg]

Hi @KennF can you plz read one of my replies nailz above? I'm sorry for acting like a bitch... But I was in an insane state of heightened anxiety during my previous replies to you and I was having trouble thinking rationally and was feeling very vulnerable. I apologise for how I came across.

That in fact is a very rare side of me. If you met me at a party you'd just think I was quiet (I'm very shy) and hopefully a nice person. I hate conflict and I just want to be liked generally. I'm actually probably the least selfish person you would ever meet either. But do understand how my behaviour in this thread wound make it appear otherwise.

 

[985154]

Thanks for your reply.

This isn't meant as a slam or as beating you up... You have an unreasonable expectation, I think.

In answer to your direct question... Is it a deal breaker? The anxiety is not, but your personality would be.

If I just met you at a party, and we had the type of comments we've had here, I would not ask you out on a date. I would not pursue a friendship with you. You come across as too much work to understand and too defensive. The focus is all about you and that's not something I would want in my life without some seriously impressive compensation to satisfy my needs/wants.

If you were my friend already, I would have no problem working through the issues and may eventually pursue more.

Nailed it.

 

[1015756]

Nope hopefully we would help eachother deal with it x

 

[Phil Ayesho]

@hunghorse30 perhaps you also need to school yourself on anxiety.

Just to be clear to everyone, I'm not seeking advice on what I've done wrong or what my issues are because I know what they are and it's not an easy fix. All I'm asking is if this is something that most guys would be understanding and patient with. As nobody is perfect. It's a mental illness ffs.

Has this happened in other budding romances? Is it a pattern?

I can tell you this... it used to be a girl went out with a guy and fretted if he didn't call within the next few days...
Then with email... it became an issue if he didn't respond within the day.
But with the advent of cellphones where you KNOW he has it on him at all times, and you KNOW it makes a noise or buzz when your text comes in, women these days start to freak out if someone doesn't answer IMMEDIATELY.

I have had my woman get upset with me because she sent me a text, or called me... and I didn't answer because of crappy coverage and my phone not even ringing nor text popping up.
I have had situations where my woman was sending me like 8 or 10 texts over about 15 minutes, and for some reason known only to AT&T all those texts came in at once, 2 hours after she sent them. I literally had to SHOW her the text thread on my phone to prove that they came in when I said they did.
And I have had my woman get upset at me for not replying or answering immediately because my phone had run out of power and shut down.

She actually represented to me that I had NO excuse for my battery dying, because i should have charged it when it got low.
Even tho I explained that it was in my pocket since I got up, and that I had no idea it was shut down, because it didn't ring or beep, I never looked at it.

This is unreasonable behavior. Its controlling. That woman had severe anxiety issues, too. But I did not have a problem with her anxiety. I understood it. What became the problem, was that her response to that anxiety was to blame ME for not being immediately available at any hour of the day or night. ( and yet, though she Often did not respond immediately to texts or phone calls... I never assumed I was being ignored, but that she was busy, sleeping, or her phone had run out of juice )

And no matter how understanding I was, this anger and blame ultimately led to her no longer caring as much for me and she asked me to leave.

Because of Her need to control things beyond anyone's control.

So- to answer your question, although I understood her anxieties when we got together, I had not anticipated that her anxieties could poison HER opinion of ME. It just didn't matter how understanding and patient I was with her. She was allowed to be an anxious mess, and I was not allowed any error whatsoever.

Now that I have been thru that with her... I find that I am very sensitive to any woman I date acting insecure and anxious about contact.

For example, being self employed... I take advantage of the fact that I can choose when I go out or take time off and prefer to go to dinner or the beach or other things when they are less crowded.
A woman I was dating recently texted me to tell me she felt I must not want to be seen with her since I never took her out on a Saturday... which everyone knows is date night.
That She suspected that I must be seeing someone else on Saturdays ( I wasn't, i was working on the weekend like I always do )...

so this is her, reading all kinds of motives, and intentions into MY actions... looking to paint me guilty, already, for the anxiety she creates all on her own.

She apologized when I explained to her about just wanting to avoid the crowds and traffic, but she then said she was really upset because she hadn't seen me for a week.
And I had to point out that I had asked her out just two nights before, but that she couldn't make it. And how was that any different than the fact that some days I am busy?

So, again, her apology was just another accusation of my not doing as she wanted me to do...

So, you tell me... Say you're looking for love and the person you think is adorable starts behaving like this.... after you have been burned before by such controlling behaviors... Would you stick it out, hoping that it will get better?
Or assume this is an early warning sign of someone who will forever be feeling hurt and blaming you because they are imagining things to worry over that you have no real culpability in?

Do not judge him too harshly, You do not know what injuries he may have suffered in prior relationships.

But for men with much experience in anxious women, understand that they learn that THEIR being understanding and accepting of your anxiety does not make things any better. The most understanding guy in the world, you will still get upset over not doing exactly what you expect him to do. And that never leads anywhere positive.


Your anxiousness is a flag of the deep need to control the world around you. You will have to deal with that, or find a man who Wants to pat your hand consolingly thru your self created crises.

But yes... for any guy who's been thru it with a woman they loved, anxiety like that can be a heart breaking deal killer.

 

[328982]

Has this happened in other budding romances? Is it a pattern?

I can tell you this... it used to be a girl went out with a guy and fretted if he didn't call within the next few days...
Then with email... it became an issue if he didn't respond within the day.
But with the advent of cellphones where you KNOW he has it on him at all times, and you KNOW it makes a noise or buzz when your text comes in, women these days start to freak out if someone doesn't answer IMMEDIATELY.

I have had my woman get upset with me because she sent me a text, or called me... and I didn't answer because of crappy coverage and my phone not even ringing nor text popping up.
I have had situations where my woman was sending me like 8 or 10 texts over about 15 minutes, and for some reason known only to AT&T all those texts came in at once, 2 hours after she sent them. I literally had to SHOW her the text thread on my phone to prove that they came in when I said they did.
And I have had my woman get upset at me for not replying or answering immediately because my phone had run out of power and shut down.

She actually represented to me that I had NO excuse for my battery dying, because i should have charged it when it got low.
Even tho I explained that it was in my pocket since I got up, and that I had no idea it was shut down, because it didn't ring or beep, I never looked at it.

This is unreasonable behavior. Its controlling. That woman had severe anxiety issues, too. But I did not have a problem with her anxiety. I understood it. What became the problem, was that her response to that anxiety was to blame ME for not being immediately available at any hour of the day or night. ( and yet, though she Often did not respond immediately to texts or phone calls... I never assumed I was being ignored, but that she was busy, sleeping, or her phone had run out of juice )

And no matter how understanding I was, this anger and blame ultimately led to her no longer caring as much for me and she asked me to leave.

Because of Her need to control things beyond anyone's control.

So- to answer your question, although I understood her anxieties when we got together, I had not anticipated that her anxieties could poison HER opinion of ME. It just didn't matter how understanding and patient I was with her. She was allowed to be an anxious mess, and I was not allowed any error whatsoever.

Now that I have been thru that with her... I find that I am very sensitive to any woman I date acting insecure and anxious about contact.

For example, being self employed... I take advantage of the fact that I can choose when I go out or take time off and prefer to go to dinner or the beach or other things when they are less crowded.
A woman I was dating recently texted me to tell me she felt I must not want to be seen with her since I never took her out on a Saturday... which everyone knows is date night.
That She suspected that I must be seeing someone else on Saturdays ( I wasn't, i was working on the weekend like I always do )...

so this is her, reading all kinds of motives, and intentions into MY actions... looking to paint me guilty, already, for the anxiety she creates all on her own.

She apologized when I explained to her about just wanting to avoid the crowds and traffic, but she then said she was really upset because she hadn't seen me for a week.
And I had to point out that I had asked her out just two nights before, but that she couldn't make it. And how was that any different than the fact that some days I am busy?

So, again, her apology was just another accusation of my not doing as she wanted me to do...

So, you tell me... Say you're looking for love and the person you think is adorable starts behaving like this.... after you have been burned before by such controlling behaviors... Would you stick it out, hoping that it will get better?
Or assume this is an early warning sign of someone who will forever be feeling hurt and blaming you because they are imagining things to worry over that you have no real culpability in?

Do not judge him too harshly, You do not know what injuries he may have suffered in prior relationships.

But for men with much experience in anxious women, understand that they learn that THEIR being understanding and accepting of your anxiety does not make things any better. The most understanding guy in the world, you will still get upset over not doing exactly what you expect him to do. And that never leads anywhere positive.


Your anxiousness is a flag of the deep need to control the world around you. You will have to deal with that, or find a man who Wants to pat your hand consolingly thru your self created crises.

But yes... for any guy who's been thru it with a woman they loved, anxiety like that can be a heart breaking deal killer.

Wow

 

[rtg]

Has this happened in other budding romances? Is it a pattern?

I can tell you this... it used to be a girl went out with a guy and fretted if he didn't call within the next few days...
Then with email... it became an issue if he didn't respond within the day.
But with the advent of cellphones where you KNOW he has it on him at all times, and you KNOW it makes a noise or buzz when your text comes in, women these days start to freak out if someone doesn't answer IMMEDIATELY.

I have had my woman get upset with me because she sent me a text, or called me... and I didn't answer because of crappy coverage and my phone not even ringing nor text popping up.
I have had situations where my woman was sending me like 8 or 10 texts over about 15 minutes, and for some reason known only to AT&T all those texts came in at once, 2 hours after she sent them. I literally had to SHOW her the text thread on my phone to prove that they came in when I said they did.
And I have had my woman get upset at me for not replying or answering immediately because my phone had run out of power and shut down.

She actually represented to me that I had NO excuse for my battery dying, because i should have charged it when it got low.
Even tho I explained that it was in my pocket since I got up, and that I had no idea it was shut down, because it didn't ring or beep, I never looked at it.

This is unreasonable behavior. Its controlling. That woman had severe anxiety issues, too. But I did not have a problem with her anxiety. I understood it. What became the problem, was that her response to that anxiety was to blame ME for not being immediately available at any hour of the day or night. ( and yet, though she Often did not respond immediately to texts or phone calls... I never assumed I was being ignored, but that she was busy, sleeping, or her phone had run out of juice )

And no matter how understanding I was, this anger and blame ultimately led to her no longer caring as much for me and she asked me to leave.

Because of Her need to control things beyond anyone's control.

So- to answer your question, although I understood her anxieties when we got together, I had not anticipated that her anxieties could poison HER opinion of ME. It just didn't matter how understanding and patient I was with her. She was allowed to be an anxious mess, and I was not allowed any error whatsoever.

Now that I have been thru that with her... I find that I am very sensitive to any woman I date acting insecure and anxious about contact.

For example, being self employed... I take advantage of the fact that I can choose when I go out or take time off and prefer to go to dinner or the beach or other things when they are less crowded.
A woman I was dating recently texted me to tell me she felt I must not want to be seen with her since I never took her out on a Saturday... which everyone knows is date night.
That She suspected that I must be seeing someone else on Saturdays ( I wasn't, i was working on the weekend like I always do )...

so this is her, reading all kinds of motives, and intentions into MY actions... looking to paint me guilty, already, for the anxiety she creates all on her own.

She apologized when I explained to her about just wanting to avoid the crowds and traffic, but she then said she was really upset because she hadn't seen me for a week.
And I had to point out that I had asked her out just two nights before, but that she couldn't make it. And how was that any different than the fact that some days I am busy?

So, again, her apology was just another accusation of my not doing as she wanted me to do...

So, you tell me... Say you're looking for love and the person you think is adorable starts behaving like this.... after you have been burned before by such controlling behaviors... Would you stick it out, hoping that it will get better?
Or assume this is an early warning sign of someone who will forever be feeling hurt and blaming you because they are imagining things to worry over that you have no real culpability in?

Do not judge him too harshly, You do not know what injuries he may have suffered in prior relationships.

But for men with much experience in anxious women, understand that they learn that THEIR being understanding and accepting of your anxiety does not make things any better. The most understanding guy in the world, you will still get upset over not doing exactly what you expect him to do. And that never leads anywhere positive.


Your anxiousness is a flag of the deep need to control the world around you. You will have to deal with that, or find a man who Wants to pat your hand consolingly thru your self created crises.

But yes... for any guy who's been thru it with a woman they loved, anxiety like that can be a heart breaking deal killer.

Thanks for taking the time to respond and share your experience with me. In a relationship my anxiety is actually not that much of an issue if I can talk about it openly with my partner. I have had two serious relationships and both of the guys were very understanding and patient... Once I fully trust someone then my anxious behaviour in terms of not hearing back from them subsides for the most part.

Unlike that woman you dated, if someone was legitimately busy, hadn't checked their phone or their phone died, then I think this is a perfectly reasonable excuse. When this guy told me that he fell asleep, I didn't get upset with him; I apologised.

Perhaps he has had bad experiences before, but I don't know. He obviously doesn't want to communicate about it, or at all. I really wished he would have asked me some questions so that I could explain that it's relatively easy to manage if he is patient and takes any additional texts with a grain of salt. And that once I feel completely secure it would not likely be an issue. But obviously he's entitled to whatever he wants to do.

 

[elvid]

Your anxiousness is a flag of the deep need to control the world around you. You will have to deal with that, or find a man who Wants to pat your hand consolingly thru your self created crises.

Anxiety has all sorts of causes. People also suffer from anxiety to different degrees. I'm not seeking to minimise what was clearly an extremely difficult experience for you, For sure, these kind of conditions can be toxic to relationships, but it's not true to say that they always are. I know people with anxiety who are fantastic, kind people, who don't behave in the ways you describe. Not all people are the same.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Anxiety has all sorts of causes. People also suffer from anxiety to different degrees. I'm not seeking to minimise what was clearly an extremely difficult experience for you, For sure, these kind of conditions can be toxic to relationships, but it's not true to say that they always are. I know people with anxiety who are fantastic, kind people, who don't behave in the ways you describe. Not all people are the same.

don't get me wrong... this woman IS fantastic, kind and generous of spirit. She is hot and sexy, and fun and a delightful human being. I loved her even when she asked me to leave and I still adore her to this day.

But when anxiety is focused on the need to CONTROL... then anything out of the anxious persons control becomes a source of negative emotions for the anxious person. And that builds resentment over time.

And, sorry, other people are NEVER in your full control, even if they WANT to be.
I was willing to do whatever this woman wished of me... freely and lovingly without resentment on my part.
And she never complained about anything in that regard... but in the example I cited...she expected ME to be obsessively compulsive over my phone's battery charge... because SHE WAS over HER phone.
And I tried to explain to her that the very fact that I am the kind of person who does NOT obsesses over his phone was the entire REASON that I can live with her anxiety and love her in spite of her anxieties. I had no expectation that she should be any different than she was.

The reason she fell for me was because I was so calm and loving, despite her anxiety and unreasonable fears.
But that I could not bring myself to WORRY over whether my phone was connected by compulsively checking it every 20 minutes just in case the "silent' switch had gotten flipped when I shoved it in my pocket... made her feel she could not rely on me.
And that made her anxious about me.

So- if her anxiety were solely about her HEALTH ( which she also had ) then, no, probably it would not have resulted in her blaming me for her imagined illnesses. Not all anxious persons are anxious over controlling others.

But when anxiety is expressed as doubt in your partner because they do not do exactly what you expect them to ( even tho they may not know what you expect ) then that will always result in growing resentment.... either in the anxious person, or in the person they would seek to control, or in both. It eats at a relationship like acid.

In my case, I never fell out of love with her. And she has, as it turns out, never had a relationship that lasted for more than five years before she ends them.
She won't have long lasting love, until she can learn to let go of her expectations of others and just be chillaxed about the fact that some things can not be controlled.

And I can not help but be jaded about dating new women, who evince these same tendencies to be upset with me, over something I had no idea they expected of me.

The OP sounds like she blames herself.. but only after expressing her worry and doubts to her guy.
From his point of view.. that seem like a pattern he has seen before and that did not turn out well.


It doesn't mean that his relationship with Her would have turned out the same.
Its just explains why she may find a LOT of 'great' guys losing interest once she exhibits this behavior.

I am wrestling with my very strong attraction to this new woman... and my own need to not invest another five or six years in something that is doomed by something I saw was there before I even committed.

At 59, I am running out of time for optimism over failings with which I am familiar.
And if a woman hasn't learned to let go of her anxieties by her mid fifties... its highly doubtful she will have that epiphany at all.

 

[elvid]

At 59, I am running out of time for optimism over failings with which I am familiar. And if a woman hasn't learned to let go of her anxieties by her mid fifties... its highly doubtful she will have that epiphany at all.

As I said before, I really wasn't seeking to minimise your experience at all. What you went through sounds incredibly difficult and painful. I was saying, though, that not everyone is the same. There are many different root causes, both genetic and environmental, for what we lump into that one basket called, "anxiety"; and there are many different degrees in terms of how much it affects people lives.

It sounds like you did everything you could in your relationship. All of us are only human. Sometimes, things are just too difficult.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

It sounds like you did everything you could in your relationship. All of us are only human. Sometimes, things are just too difficult.

agreed.

in a year or two I expect ill be able to write or speak of it without crying.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Thanks for taking the time to respond and share your experience with me. In a relationship my anxiety is actually not that much of an issue if I can talk about it openly with my partner. I have had two serious relationships and both of the guys were very understanding and patient... Once I fully trust someone then my anxious behaviour in terms of not hearing back from them subsides for the most part.

Unlike that woman you dated, if someone was legitimately busy, hadn't checked their phone or their phone died, then I think this is a perfectly reasonable excuse. When this guy told me that he fell asleep, I didn't get upset with him; I apologised.

Perhaps he has had bad experiences before, but I don't know. He obviously doesn't want to communicate about it, or at all. I really wished he would have asked me some questions so that I could explain that it's relatively easy to manage if he is patient and takes any additional texts with a grain of salt. And that once I feel completely secure it would not likely be an issue. But obviously he's entitled to whatever he wants to do.

Oh, my woman apologized to me, too. Every time I had to explain myself to her to assuage her fears, worries or upset.

But that didn't really mean anything. The pattern persisted. At first, when we were starting, she kept it under better control... but then as we grew accustomed to each other and she realized she could trust me more, she became less guarded about displaying that behavior.
But it came out in all sorts of ways... like, she had this habit of gown thru the kitchen like a tornado... making herself a snack or lunch... and leaving al the cupboards open, and messes on the counters like mustard and mayo... or wilted lettuce, Or spilled coffee.

And I would uncomplaining grab a paper towel and clean them up and close all the cupboards. I used a paper towel so the dishtowels would not smell of rotting condiments... but she would complain because I was going thru too many paper towels.
Again, these little displays of needing to be in control. and her frustration that I was not as controllable as she would have liked.

it built up.

So maybe you are different... maybe you do get less anxious with time... or maybe your anxiety and control issues surface in Other ways once you get over the contact issue. I don't know what other experience you had with your guy that he might have reacted to.

I'm just sharing the effect of living with someone who has anxiety issue of control... and how it can become a real struggle.
Your love them and want them to be happy and they just increasingly are not and that gets centered on their mate.

So its scary for a guy. Its painful to watch someone you are devoted to choose to believe ignoble things about you because you're not the mindreader their Ken dolls always were.

Its hard to be able to do Nothing to assuage their anxiety that is even sufficient. It comes back the next day, or the next hour no matter how many times you have proven yourself.


Maybe you are different... but for a guy you are just getting to know... you are asking him to take that risk of committing his heart to something that he has been injured by in the past. Surely you can feel compassion for that?


If you can, address the anxiety and develop ways to short circuit that loop in your head before it results in clinging, controlling behavior.

Tattoo an X on your texting hand as a means of keeping yourself mindful to not create another ex thru needless anxiety.

Pretend you are NOT anxious, day after day, and keep practicing until you get good at it, and then keep doing it until you find you don't even realize you are pretending.

We become what we pretend to be... if we can keep it up long enough for it to become habitual.

 

[twoton]

People who have problems with anxiety stress me out. I get frustrated. I don't know if it would crash the relationship, because the pluses might outweigh the minuses.

I have anxiety problems myself, not real bad, but I do take a pill for it. That might be why I get impatient with anxious people, because I'm strongly affected by them.

 

[rtg]

Oh, my woman apologized to me, too. Every time I had to explain myself to her to assuage her fears, worries or upset.

But that didn't really mean anything. The pattern persisted. At first, when we were starting, she kept it under better control... but then as we grew accustomed to each other and she realized she could trust me more, she became less guarded about displaying that behavior.
But it came out in all sorts of ways... like, she had this habit of gown thru the kitchen like a tornado... making herself a snack or lunch... and leaving al the cupboards open, and messes on the counters like mustard and mayo... or wilted lettuce, Or spilled coffee.

And I would uncomplaining grab a paper towel and clean them up and close all the cupboards. I used a paper towel so the dishtowels would not smell of rotting condiments... but she would complain because I was going thru too many paper towels.
Again, these little displays of needing to be in control. and her frustration that I was not as controllable as she would have liked.

it built up.

So maybe you are different... maybe you do get less anxious with time... or maybe your anxiety and control issues surface in Other ways once you get over the contact issue. I don't know what other experience you had with your guy that he might have reacted to.

I'm just sharing the effect of living with someone who has anxiety issue of control... and how it can become a real struggle.
Your love them and want them to be happy and they just increasingly are not and that gets centered on their mate.

So its scary for a guy. Its painful to watch someone you are devoted to choose to believe ignoble things about you because you're not the mindreader their Ken dolls always were.

Its hard to be able to do Nothing to assuage their anxiety that is even sufficient. It comes back the next day, or the next hour no matter how many times you have proven yourself.


Maybe you are different... but for a guy you are just getting to know... you are asking him to take that risk of committing his heart to something that he has been injured by in the past. Surely you can feel compassion for that?


If you can, address the anxiety and develop ways to short circuit that loop in your head before it results in clinging, controlling behavior.

Tattoo an X on your texting hand as a means of keeping yourself mindful to not create another ex thru needless anxiety.

Pretend you are NOT anxious, day after day, and keep practicing until you get good at it, and then keep doing it until you find you don't even realize you are pretending.

We become what we pretend to be... if we can keep it up long enough for it to become habitual.

My anxiety has absolutely nothing to do with control. It has to do with self worth. They are totally different things and I don't think that I sound at all like this woman you are talking about.

How can I have compassion for this guy when I have absolutely no idea if he has or has not been burnt in the past by someone with anxiety? He is no longer communicating with me and had no interest in doing so about that topic. For all I know he's just too impatient and is out playing the field.

I don't think that you quite understand some of the physiological and chemical components associated with anxiety. It is often not possible to "pretend" one is not anxious. It goes much deeper than that. Even if one does try to pretend, it doesn't work that way. Thats just like saying someone doesn't have diabetes if they pretend they don't. I understand that you are trying to help, but please don't trivialise mental illness.

 

[Tight_N_Juicy]

For me, deal breakers are things that my partner makes an active choice over. Dealing with anxiety isn't something people opt to do. So, no. Not a deal breaker for me.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

My anxiety has absolutely nothing to do with control. It has to do with self worth. They are totally different things and I don't think that I sound at all like this woman you are talking about.

How can I have compassion for this guy when I have absolutely no idea if he has or has not been burnt in the past by someone with anxiety? He is no longer communicating with me and had no interest in doing so about that topic. For all I know he's just too impatient and is out playing the field.

I don't think that you quite understand some of the physiological and chemical components associated with anxiety. It is often not possible to "pretend" one is not anxious. It goes much deeper than that. Even if one does try to pretend, it doesn't work that way. Thats just like saying someone doesn't have diabetes if they pretend they don't. I understand that you are trying to help, but please don't trivialise mental illness.

You think I trivialize mental illness? Try reading some of my other posts. I know more of mental illness than most.

To use your diabetes analogy... If you have diabetes... Then there are things you can DO to mitigate that diabetes.
You can, for example, change your diet.

Changing your diet can help with diabetes because diabetes is a problem processing the sugar you eat. The thing you alter is a thing related directly to the disease.

Mental illness is a problem with the way you process thought. And therefore, you can mitigate mental illness thru establishing healthier thought processes.


For example- My son, at age 10, started to exhibit symptoms of serious obsessive compulsive disorder.
It got worse as he got older and by 16 he was scrubbing the skin off his hands...

But he was also a highly intelligent young man who prided himself on his rational worldview, so I sat him down and explained a bit about his family history and obsessive compulsive behaviors... And I challenged him to try and USE his disorder to fight it.
He asked me how that could work... And I said that the key was to not allow himself to engage in repetitive behaviors- that they wear a groove in his cortex that can become a rut he can never escape... Except for ONE compulsive behavior that he was allowed to freely indulge... that he could allow himself to be compulsive about stopping repetitive behaviors.
He could obsessively check himself for those and try to derail the habits by forcing himself to do something different.

And when I told him that, I saw a light come on in his eyes. He saw that idea was a TOOL he could use to effect his own mind. Over the following couple of years his compulsive behaviors declined rapidly.. and today, at 35, he shows almost no trace of OCD.

The brain is the ONE organ that is PHYSICALLY modified by Thought alone. By habits indulged, or thwarted.

I know it may sound glib, to you, to hear me say we become what we pretend to be... But its is the deepest truth you will ever hear about the function of your own brain and its ability to modify itself and its effect on your own body.

Your brain chemistry can affect how your brain is wired. But your thoughts rewire your brain, too, and that also changes your brain chemistry. Its a synergistic feedback loop. Topology of synapse defines how your brain reacts to the world around you and YOU CAN CHANGE THAT TOPOLOGY THRU PURE WILL.

Practice 10,000 hours with an instrument and you will become a virtuoso. In the beginning it is awkward and sounds awful... but if you keep pretending you can play the violin, and play it... you become a violinist.
You don't have to think about it anymore... you don't have to even concentrate... you think of music and your hands and body make it happen, as effortlessly as walking across the room.
That is because your 10,000 hours of practice built and reinforced and then ever more deeply reinforced NEW synaptic connections that literally, physically, rewired your brain into a violin playing automaton. and it only happened because you chose to keep on TRYING to play the violin, even tho you sucked at it at the start. You turned making that choice, every day, into a Habit.

So. please, don't imagine that I am trivializing your mental illness. Mindful exercise of pure will over your own brain is one of the most challenging and difficult things people do... its why its hard to learn new things when they are complex... why it takes years to master anything...
It is so easy to fall back into the rut of old, familiar patterns of behavior. That groove is already worn in your brain and its where you end up the minute you get too tired to keep trying to forge a new path.


And I was NOT intending to suggest you are like the woman I loved... maybe your anxiety isn't about control... Maybe its all about self worth. My examples were only meant to show what your boyfriend might have been fearing that would cause him to avoid you... If he had had an experience even remotely like mine... then he is going to be reticent about getting involved with someone anxious.
And the behaviors you described could easily be mistaken for control issues...


But my advice is still sound. Whatever mental illness you have, you have some power to mitigate, just as a diabetic has some control over what they choose to eat. You do have some control over what you choose to think. Really you do.

And any psychologist worth their fee will tell you that the key to managing a mental illness is to develop healthier HABITS of thought. There are entire schools devoted to helping you learn to master your own mind. Like Rinzai Zen meditation, or Raja Yoga.

 

[someotherguy]

OP: He could have been more understanding. It doesn't mean he's a bad person, he just probably has no idea how to handle a person with anxiety. I have anxiety and have dated people with it as well. There has to be a base level of understanding for things to work. Unfortunately in your situation, he wasn't able to face the issue and chose to ignore your messages. A person like that is best to let them go. You probably need another person like those you've dated who is willing to listen and is sympathetic. For some, this is a deal breaker. And those are the people you shouldn't seek validation from. Know that you deserve understanding and if this guy wasn't willing or able to give it to you, it doesn't mean someone else won't.

 

[rtg]

You think I trivialize mental illness? Try reading some of my other posts. I know more of mental illness than most.

To use your diabetes analogy... If you have diabetes... Then there are things you can DO to mitigate that diabetes.
You can, for example, change your diet.

Changing your diet can help with diabetes because diabetes is a problem processing the sugar you eat. The thing you alter is a thing related directly to the disease.

Mental illness is a problem with the way you process thought. And therefore, you can mitigate mental illness thru establishing healthier thought processes.


For example- My son, at age 10, started to exhibit symptoms of serious obsessive compulsive disorder.
It got worse as he got older and by 16 he was scrubbing the skin off his hands...

But he was also a highly intelligent young man who prided himself on his rational worldview, so I sat him down and explained a bit about his family history and obsessive compulsive behaviors... And I challenged him to try and USE his disorder to fight it.
He asked me how that could work... And I said that the key was to not allow himself to engage in repetitive behaviors- that they wear a groove in his cortex that can become a rut he can never escape... Except for ONE compulsive behavior that he was allowed to freely indulge... that he could allow himself to be compulsive about stopping repetitive behaviors.
He could obsessively check himself for those and try to derail the habits by forcing himself to do something different.

And when I told him that, I saw a light come on in his eyes. He saw that idea was a TOOL he could use to effect his own mind. Over the following couple of years his compulsive behaviors declined rapidly.. and today, at 35, he shows almost no trace of OCD.

The brain is the ONE organ that is PHYSICALLY modified by Thought alone. By habits indulged, or thwarted.

I know it may sound glib, to you, to hear me say we become what we pretend to be... But its is the deepest truth you will ever hear about the function of your own brain and its ability to modify itself and its effect on your own body.

Your brain chemistry can affect how your brain is wired. But your thoughts rewire your brain, too, and that also changes your brain chemistry. Its a synergistic feedback loop. Topology of synapse defines how your brain reacts to the world around you and YOU CAN CHANGE THAT TOPOLOGY THRU PURE WILL.

Practice 10,000 hours with an instrument and you will become a virtuoso. In the beginning it is awkward and sounds awful... but if you keep pretending you can play the violin, and play it... you become a violinist.
You don't have to think about it anymore... you don't have to even concentrate... you think of music and your hands and body make it happen, as effortlessly as walking across the room.
That is because your 10,000 hours of practice built and reinforced and then ever more deeply reinforced NEW synaptic connections that literally, physically, rewired your brain into a violin playing automaton. and it only happened because you chose to keep on TRYING to play the violin, even tho you sucked at it at the start. You turned making that choice, every day, into a Habit.

So. please, don't imagine that I am trivializing your mental illness. Mindful exercise of pure will over your own brain is one of the most challenging and difficult things people do... its why its hard to learn new things when they are complex... why it takes years to master anything...
It is so easy to fall back into the rut of old, familiar patterns of behavior. That groove is already worn in your brain and its where you end up the minute you get too tired to keep trying to forge a new path.


And I was NOT intending to suggest you are like the woman I loved... maybe your anxiety isn't about control... Maybe its all about self worth. My examples were only meant to show what your boyfriend might have been fearing that would cause him to avoid you... If he had had an experience even remotely like mine... then he is going to be reticent about getting involved with someone anxious.
And the behaviors you described could easily be mistaken for control issues...


But my advice is still sound. Whatever mental illness you have, you have some power to mitigate, just as a diabetic has some control over what they choose to eat. You do have some control over what you choose to think. Really you do.

And any psychologist worth their fee will tell you that the key to managing a mental illness is to develop healthier HABITS of thought. There are entire schools devoted to helping you learn to master your own mind. Like Rinzai Zen meditation, or Raja Yoga.

I agree that there are ways to ease anxiety through learning coping skills and the like. I am very familiar with all of this after living with anxiety for almost 15 years. I also practise yoga and meditation and know first hand how much these can help. I have a condition also that puts me at risk of diabetes and manage this through diet so yes I agree with you about that too.

I was specifically referring to the concept of simply pretending you don't have anxiety. That is not something that is possible. If I'm having an anxiety attack, pretending I'm not having one does not make it go away. But if I do have effective coping strategies (like what you discussed) then of course that helps mitigate it. But the pure will to change it, without effective training, cannot just change it... If that was the case, then I would already be cured.