Would you break up with someone you found out was bi?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by jameshawket, Jun 4, 2011.

  1. jameshawket

    jameshawket Member

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    Hey everyone, this post is a little late coming, but I wanted some thoughts/input on the situation. Back in January I started dating this really great girl who I thought was absolutely the world. I never told her that I was bi before we started dating, because 1) it wasn't important and 2) I was still half in denial about it and I wasn't in a place with myself that I was OK with it.

    Back in March we had a pretty good conversation about how there were things I wanted to talk to her about, but I was afraid of what she would think. I had been going to counseling since early February so that I could work out my feelings of same sex attraction, and come to terms with my bisexuality so that I could actually live my life normally. I wanted to express these revelations with her, becuase they were changing my life for the better, but everyone I had ever told up until this point in my life about my feelings towards men had rejected me and didn't want anything to do with me.

    I pretty much thought this would happen with her, so I left the conversation at that, and told her that I needed time to think about it. About a week or two later, she called me up wanting to talk, she told me that she really wanted to know, and that she's accepting of things, and that she really wanted to be there for me. We stayed up until 4 AM talking. I confessed everything, I told her what I was going through, all the hard times that happened in counsling that I've been working through, repressed feelings that needed to come out through someone who would be emotionally safe for me, and I thought everything was going good.

    The next morning, she calls me up, asks to come over. She breaks up with me right then and there. She told me it was for some other reason, and I felt slighted. I wrote her a note explaining my feelings, and left it in her mail. She didn't get this letter for three weeks, then decided to respond to it in anger, and wrote back this nasty little note telling me "the truth" where she expressed that she broke up with me because I had been "lying to her" for the whole time we broke up, and that I should have told her right from the getgo that I liked guys as well.

    A few weeks later, I saw her roommate on campus, we talked for a bit, and her roommate revealed to me that my ex actually broke up with me because she believes that you cannot physcially be bisexual, and that you are either gay or straight. She thought I would eventually decided that I didn't like girls, and I would leave her for a guy.

    It hurt a lot to find out this news, but it was refreshing to hear the truth, I guess.

    The point of this all to say is that I'm wondering what you think of this whole situation? Should I have told her the night we started dating that I liked guys too, or was I in the right, waiting until we were in a more emotionally stable place that I could disclose my deepest feelings to her? Also, if you were in this situation, and your significant other told you that they were bisexual, and they really appreciated your support as they navigated their journey of self discovery, would you dump them the next day out of fear, or wouldn't you like to talk about something like that?

    It felt like the right time to disclose all of this, because it's been building up since I left campus and had to end counsling due to various reasons.
     
  2. Kotchanski

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    In my opinion, there is no right or wrong time to have discussed this with her... Bring it up when you're so unsure of yourself and you'd make a pigs ear out of explaining it, bring it up when you're more sure of yourself and you run the risk of her feeling you've been lying to her all this time.

    Long and short of it though: She didn't accept it, and left you. She'd have done so regardless of when you told her.

    My husband was in a similar situation to you when we first met, he told me that he thought he was bi, but was very unsure. Obviously this wasn't a problem for me, since he's now my husband!

    A lot of people don't accept bisexuality, they consider us to either be in denial, or to be cheaters... I've lost many friends since they found out I was bisexual, I've been rejected from both straight and gay communities for being honest about it too. It hurts, it isn't nice, and you get very tired of defending yourself very quickly. It is worth it in the end though, you'll find plenty of people who will accept you for who you are, and those friendships/relationships will be some of the best you've ever had.
     
  3. glorylive

    glorylive New Member

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    I won't. You're telling him or her the real truth just because you really love him or her, so why breaking up if you two really love each other?
     
  4. BiMaleHungWV

    BiMaleHungWV Member

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    I was honest with my husband from the beginning. We've been together for 15 years now. Honestly at first he thought I was just gay and didn't fully accept myself. Know he knows better. HONESTY is the best policy. It didn't matter when you told her, she wouldn't have accepted you either way.

    For more resources I suggest:
    Bisexual Resource Center - Supporting Bisexual Community
    Welcome to BiNet USA
     
  5. kepper

    kepper New Member

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    Probably the first thing to do is to immediately recognize that you are who you are, and what happened is NOT your fault. I have seen many situations where people hide their sexuality from a person they are intimate with, and attempt to portray themselves as something they are not. You, on the other hand, felt an obligation to reveal all the facts about who you are. You should feel honorable and your self esteem should be boosted by the fact that this is the type of person you are and you did the right thing. Your "confession" was open and truthful. I would welcome you as my friend!

    We don't choose our sexual nature, and while I don't pretend to understand what makes us the way we are, I do believe that each of us is "wired" in a unique way. People who understand that and deal with others accordingly sometimes have a tough time, but at the end of the day we sleep well in the knowledge that we did what we thought was right. As a bisexual I have been in a similar situation- more than once.

    The girl you were interested in believes that everyone's sexuality is black and white... straight or gay. While I personally find that view is based on either self-deception or lack of knowledge of human behavior, it is immaterial. She has made her decision and justifies it on your behavior. Good riddance.

    So the question is, do you make this disclosure about your sexuality in the future? And if so, when in the relationship?

    You ask "Should I have told her the night we started dating that I liked guys too, or was I in the right, waiting until we were in a more emotionally stable place that I could disclose my deepest feelings to her?" I can't answer that, not knowing either of you well enough to comment. I can tell you that I always have disclosed my bisexuality to people I am dating. With men, it tends to come up very early in the relationship, maybe on the first or second date. In my experience, it hasn't made a difference in the relationship, but it's always hard to tell.

    When I am dating a female, the dynamics are different, and I don't know why. One female lover stopped being a lover and turned into good friend after I told her, which was about the fifth date. One female reacted fine when I told her (less than a month into our dating) but I found out afterwards she thought she could change me... and about two months later when she asked me if I was still bisexual and I told her "of course", she dumped me. A third female and I dated for about two months and when I told her that I was bisexual, she started to blame herself and we haven't spoken since.

    "Also, if you were in this situation, and your significant other told you that they were bisexual, and they really appreciated your support as they navigated their journey of self discovery, would you dump them the next day out of fear, or wouldn't you like to talk about something like that?"

    It would bring me closer to them because I am going through the same issues... but I don't think your question was directed to another bisexual person. :rolleyes:

    Good luck in your future relationship experiences... and one last point. I have had three relationships in my life that lasted over a year (one for three years), and none of them ended because of bisexuality. So it is possible to have a healthy and loving relationship and be bisexual!
     
    #5 kepper, Jun 4, 2011
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2011
  6. coveryerteeth

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    Your ex-girlfriend is diseased. Unfortunately, roughly 95% of all the people walking the face of the Earth, today, are afflicted with the same disease. It's called "immaturity."

    That's an HP (Her Problem), not a YP (You Problem).

    The bright side is that, now that you've come to grips with your sexuality, you won't ever be faced with another late-in-the-game revelation. You can be honest with your lovers from the get-go and the ones that are sophisticated enough to deal will stick around and you can tell the ones who balk to hit the bricks.

    Maybe you'll get really lucky and find some other bisexuals to date. That would save everyone involved all those silly "heavy talks" and explanations that there really should be no need for, anyway, in a perfect world.
     
  7. D_gbuykg

    D_gbuykg New Member

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    Well, she'll either get over it or she won't; personally, I think that every one has had a moment when they thought what it would feel like to suck a cock and lick pussy looking for clit.
     
  8. kayman

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    Meeting another bisexual isn't a guarantee. As matter of fact, I've met some bisexual females that absolutely refuses to date bisexual males because they think "they are gay" and "bisexuality doesn't exists with guys". Ignorance has no boundaries.

    To the OP: You might have a horrible time finding someone to whom understands you being bisexual. It's sad, but true. However, there are a few of those out here like myself that doesn't try to judge you as long you are faith with us while we are in a committed relationship.
     
  9. Stephenmass

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    To the OP. I admire your honesty. I hid it from my wife for close to a year until I couldn't stand it anymore (we are different a bit in that I'm gay, but it "supersurfaced" as I was married). Trust me, less hurt feelings, etc.

    I do have a few questions for my own knowledge though.

    1. As a bisexual, do you have any preference? What I mean is do you prefer females or males or no difference whatsoever?

    2. Lets say she stayed but expected you to be faithful. I'm asking out of ignorance, can a bisexual remain monogamous?

    3. As you journey through you may find you are not bi. I am not saying you are gay or straight, but as you self discover you may find yourself leaning more one way than the other. Is it the same for you?

    I think you did the right thing and while she should have been honest as to why she was breaking up with you from the beginning, at least she finally owned up to it. If she is totally str8 or totally gay it wouldn't matter. Some people cannot handle a person that can be with either sex. I wouldn't get mad at her for it. Better now than later when she takes you to court say, divorces you, and you pay child support when she decides she cannot handle it right?

    I envy in a way true bisexuals. I've got so much to learn about them and hope you don't mind me asking you those questions. I do have one bisexual friend, a female, and she tells me when she is in a relationship she has no problem remaining monogamous if that is understood between whoever she is with.

    I know if I were with someone female, my yearning for a male would create a problem because I much prefer males and no longer date or whatever with females.

    Without sarcasm, how are you handling it and what do you expect from a relationship if you were to have one?
     
  10. Stephenmass

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    Another thing....if your avatar is you, you are one hot guy!!
     
  11. Countryguy63

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    When I was dating, I actually would have loved to meet a woman that was a bisexual. Not because I imagined weekly 3 somes and orgies (ok, sounds fun tho :wink: ), but because then she would be able to identify and understand my own feelings.

    It just so hapens that I met a man that I fell in love with, or I would still be looking for that woman :smile:. We are both bi and can admire both attractive men and women together.

    I do believe that bi-sexuals can be monagamous, but I also believe that it is a bit more difficult for some.
     
  12. jameshawket

    jameshawket Member

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    I've actually been wrestling with this very idea since I started coming out to all my friends. They've been super supportive of me, and have been very encouraging, but there's that look in their eye that they don't truly believe that I can be bisexual. They never verbalize it, or even hint at it, but there's the feeling in the air that it's the case. I've gotten some heat from various people about how I'm in denial. What I'm trying to do right now is just move away from the criticism into the light, and realize that what other people think doesn't affect who I am as a person. It's still really hard though when both communities of straight and gay, as you put it, are very rejecting of bisexuals.

    Kepper- your words brought a smile to my face.

    Especially this. It gives me a lot of hope that I can find love someday.

    I agree wholeheartedly. She comes from an acting background, so all she's ever experienced in that field was gay men or straight men, and she dated a guy who said he "struggled with homosexuality," but she never told me many details beyond that. I think she doesn't understand that things are not so black and white when it comes to sexuality.

    To answer your questions, and I have no problem answering them :)

    1) I wouls say for me there is honestly no gender that is over the other. I like them both equally but for different reasons. Right now in my life, I am leaning towards wanting to try out relationships with males, since I've only had one m2m encounter before (it wasn't that great) and I've had two girlfriends in my life. So, to answer the question, there's no preference, but there's more of a curiosity towards males right now because of wanting the experience.

    2) I easily could have been able to be monogomous. For me, it's the same as if I were only attracted to women. Now, being honest, there was a guy that I super liked when I was with her, he was gay, but I purposely kept myself away from situations with him because I wanted to be commited to her. I even explained to her that night we talked that no matter what, I was attracted to her, and I would be with only her, and only care for her. Obviously, being a male, I'm going to be attracted to other people, it's a part of men's nature to desire multiple people, even if those desires never branch into physical relationships, but I would have been perfectly content being in a relationship with only her.

    3) I semi answered this in my first answer ^_^ But yeah, I think right now I'm leaning towards males, just because I'm wanting to see what a relationship would be like with a guy, but I am still totally open to the idea of being with another woman if the right one comes along.

    And your last question, I'm guessing that I'm hoping that a relationship, with a man or a woman, will be one where my significant other can accept me for exactly as I am without exceptions, without wanting to change me, and without wanting me to change my sexuality. It is what it is, and whoever I am with, I will stick with them, and love only them, so I guess I'm hoping that it will be a relationship with mutual trust and acceptance, with the knowledge that I will be with only them until whatever situation causes us to part.


    Thank you everyone for all your feedback. I really appreciate it.
     
  13. Original English Thick Cut

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    You may also find solace in a polyamorous relationship. That's where I'd ideally like to be. I think it's even tougher to find "Poly" people than BI.
     
  14. helgaleena

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    You did the right thing by being honest, and I'll bet you have skipped a lot worse hurt by getting free of her early on, because she is not as open with you as you were with her. She broke up and then had her friend tell you the real reason (which is a fallacy she unfortunately believes more than she believes in you) rather than let you know honestly. You have avoided a precipice.

    And no, I wouldn't break up with someone who was bi because I am myself.
     
  15. Daisy

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    bi = hot
     
  16. MickeyLee

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    what Ms. Seaside said.
     
  17. LaFemme

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    I have no problem in dating or being in love with bi men. I've had a couple of relationships with bi-sexual men. As long as they are faithfull to me within our relationship, that's all that counts. And I agree with seaside: Bi men are hot!!
     
  18. DV8

    DV8
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    To the original poster,

    I first want to start out saying that I'm very sorry that this happened to you, and I'm sure that it was very hurtful. After all, no one ever wants to be rejected. With that being said, I will give you my opinion. I agree that she would have rejected you either in the beginning or down the road either way, but that is the type of information that should be given in the beginning. Your sexuality does not define you, but it is a part of you. People on this site tend disagree with me on this subject because I encourage honesty and disclosure with your partners. If your partner knows who you are from the beginning, then you'll never have to hide anything. And anyone you're dating has the potential to be the person you'll spend the rest of your life with, so you might as well be honest before shit gets too deep. Personally, I believe that you didn't tell her, not because it wasn't important, but because it was a scary thought. For you to say that you're bisexual out-loud to someone makes it all very real, and I can understand that.

    You should be able to be honest with people. I'm not saying that you have to come out of the closet to your friends and family- that's your business. But if you're going to date someone, I believe that it's the decision of the other party as to whether or not they're going to date a bisexual, not yours. As you can see, there are women who accept bisexuality. And if the woman of your dreams doesn't, then you need to keep dreaming. Don't be afraid to step outside the box of social norms, and explore you. Learn to accept yourself, and like yourself- they're both completely different things. You can have it all!

    Have fun with your new self-discovery!
     
  19. Pendlum

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    Bring on the mff..fffffffffff
     
  20. Kenyth

    Kenyth New Member

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    I had to learn it the hard way.

    I can kinda see both sides of the story. It was wrong to not tell her from the beginning, but then again you weren't ready to tell anyone let alone her.

    I think it was just bad timing. I truly think people shouldn't go into relationships when they are emotionally not stable. People need to learn to accept themselves & love themselves before they can make themselves available for others to love.

    Clearly, you weren't ready for a relationship when you started dating her, hopefully you will be ready by the time the next hottie comes along :)
     
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