Would you consider a boyfriend who was deeply in the closet?

aqua-illusion

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this question is wrong,
it always is the other way around,
the closet will never consider an "out" man for a b/f.
they always get too freaked that someone will find out cause you are too gay to be just a friend.

This is an interesting view of things...It's not like I wouldn't consider an already out boyfriend, for me it's like what you said, I would be afraid someone would find out...all throughout my school years I was always branded as the gay guy and I would always deny it...well a part of me doesn't want them to have the satisfaction of saying "I told you so"

I know someone in a situation where...he slept with many women, too many to remember and they all know/knew of him as a man-whore...one day he just shows up with another guy as "my friend". they are ALWAYS together, hell they even live together now, but he is always introduced as "my friend". He maintains that he's straight and that this guy is "just a friend" but we all know hes gay/bi...no questions, your friend shares a bed? ok!

For me the questions of "coming out" would be...if my "Friend" wanted me to, I've told some of my immediate family, but no one in my extended family knows (strong Christians, and Asians) and none of my friends know...
When I try and talk to gays/bis in my city I always run the risk in my head of .... will someone find out? :frown1: oh the life of a closet gay/bi.
 
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Im doing that now. I haven't come out to my family either not because I don't want to but because its none of their damn business. But I wish we were both out. I hate having to hide that we are in love. I guess it also begs to ask the question can a guy who is very very gay will never ever be bi and has no attraction to women be with a guy who is bi and doesn't associate himself with either side. Definitely a 50/50.
 

allmale

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It's possible if you don't mind spending the holidays alone. I tried it last year. The worst part was lying to his friends and family and trying to keep all the lies straight. It was just easier not to go to his family gatherings. I came out so I could stop lying to everyone I cared about. I think if you're looking for something significant and long term, you're just setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Agree wholeheartedly. Right after college I got into a "secret" relationship, that was in the early 1980's and though times were very different, the heartbreak and hurt was the same. Keeping all the lies straight, leaving the apartment at 4:00am so no one would suspect, the sneaking around, basically it was all just getting together for sex. Having said that, I learned that sex alone will not keep a relationship together by itself, per se (no matter how good the sex is or how big the dick is).
 

hungboy18

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For me that would be secondary, I won't deny myself the opportunity of something great because I can't advertise it, love can be a very private thing for a lot of people, and as much as you wan't to scream to the world how happy you are, maybe it wouldn't be that bad if it started like that, slow.

But obviously I wouldn't be in a secret relationship with someone for more than 2 or 3 months, if you love me, you gotta admit it, and if it's truth, the relationship and your sexuality, you can't allow other people to make you something you're not, but at the end of the day you need to understand that sometimes being open about who you are can have serious consequences, and some people aren't strong enough to deal with them, I still haven't come out, but I know I'll as soon as I think someone, as soon as pay my own bills, as soon as I can be my own person, for now, I don't want to be the gay son, and have people judge me for something I can't control and won't ever change about myself, to the point where I'd want nothing more than to leave, and can't, life's hard, if I had someone I'd be out, since I don't, I'm ok this way.
 

jockripper

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Your family (and friends) may have already suspected something. While you are confronting them with the plain truth, and, saying that, which to this point may have only been pondered, the may not change all too much.

Yes, some will be surprised. Others may react to this announcement. Remember, you have had the chance to react to this over time. Your family, on the other hand, may interpret the announcement along the lines of "here is my news.... now what are you going to do with it?".

In the long run, I would rather be a real someone than fake "someone who I am not".
 

earllogjam

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So, what about you, Earl?

It's only an issue with me if I get a sense that a boyfriend, because of his closeted-ness, is ashamed of me and feels guilty or weird having gay sex. That is not acceptable. As I get older, keeping up appearances gets less and less desirable but I understand that coming out is a personal process that shouldn't be forced upon anyone.

I think in this day in age if you wind up living together for a extended period of time your family, especially if you are close to them and live nearby, will do the math. They will know before you tell them.

My preference is to have a totally out boyfriend as a basis to building an honest life together with the support and love of mutual friends, both straight and gay and of course family. My world needs to be more than just my partner and I in a closet surrounded by other gay men.

You find that you deprive yourself from a great deal of life and joy pushing people away just because you're afraid of revealing the truth about yourself and partner.

As the saying goes...better to be hated for who ya are than to be loved for something you are not.
 

mickstl

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I'm kind of on the same page as f2w2 -- if I ever find "that person" -- it would be a different story. I really don't want to uproot my entire life until I'm somewhat comfortable that what we have will last.
 

mickstl

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It's only an issue with me if I get a sense that a boyfriend, because of his closeted-ness, is ashamed of me and feels guilty or weird having gay sex. That is not acceptable. As I get older, keeping up appearances gets less and less desirable but I understand that coming out is a personal process that shouldn't be forced upon anyone.

I think in this day in age if you wind up living together for a extended period of time your family, especially if you are close to them and live nearby, will do the math. They will know before you tell them.

My preference is to have a totally out boyfriend as a basis to building an honest life together with the support and love of mutual friends, both straight and gay and of course family. My world needs to be more than just my partner and I in a closet surrounded by other gay men.

You find that you deprive yourself from a great deal of life and joy pushing people away just because you're afraid of revealing the truth about yourself and partner.

As the saying goes...better to be hated for who ya are than to be loved for something you are not.


I like this.

:smile: