Would you consider this cheating or crossing the line?

petite

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Sorry, but I disagree...
This has nothing to do with how her boyfriend reacts. Nor how cool he is with it.


She is asking what other people think about a situation she is involved with.

SHE has doubts, or conflicted feelings, or she would not even ask.
People do not ask what other people think of something that they already are certain is fine with them.
They ask to check with the consensus...

We ask to better measure our own conduct when we have qualms about that conduct.

Well, you've explained why you're judging her, but I doubt that you can actually see into her heart. :rolleyes:

You've made the classic mistake of assuming a single motivation for a person's behavior, when that is simply one possible motivation.
 
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slate_australis

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Well, you've explained why you're judging her, but I doubt that you can actually see into her heart. :rolleyes:

You've made the classic mistake of assuming a single motivation for a person's behavior, when that is simply one possible motivation.

Respectfully,

I doubt the question would be asked all things considered (the BF not seemingly having a problem) unless there is some kind of discomfort with the tone of the conversation.

If that response makes me 'judgemental', 'close-minded' etc etc, so be it :p

Both my partner and I have people we can comfortably talk to with about sex, but there is a boundary of how far I'd be happy with that talk to go.

Basically, my rule is if it makes you uncomfortable, or question whether its the right thing to do... perhaps it's not?
 

petite

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Respectfully,

I doubt the question would be asked all things considered (the BF not seemingly having a problem) unless there is some kind of discomfort with the tone of the conversation.

If that response makes me 'judgemental', 'close-minded' etc etc, so be it :p

Both my partner and I have people we can comfortably talk to with about sex, but there is a boundary of how far I'd be happy with that talk to go.

Basically, my rule is if it makes you uncomfortable, or question whether its the right thing to do... perhaps it's not?

Are you asking me in reference to my post, or regarding the OP's motivations?

Are you claiming that all the men who have been raised to feel that being gay is wrong means that it's actually wrong to have gay sex? All the people who feel that it's not wrong to have gay sex, are they in the wrong because someone else feels that's it isn't right? Sex is complicated emotionally. Don't try to reduce it to something so simple as "if you feel a bit uncomfortable, then you actually know for a fact that you are being truly bad." Recognize that there are a lot of reasons why a person might feel uncomfortable, say for example, having had people in one's past act irrationally jealous, or being raised in a "sex is shameful" type of environment, and then recognize that those reasons for feeling uncomfortable doesn't mean that what a person is doing is actually wrong, just like being told by one's parents that being gay is wrong doesn't actually mean that it's wrong, even if there are lingering feelings that need to be worked through.
 
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slate_australis

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Are you asking me in reference to my post, or regarding the OP's motivations?

Are you claiming that all the men who have been raised to feel that being gay is wrong means that it's actually wrong to be gay? Sex is complicated emotionally. Don't try to reduce it to something so simple as "if you feel a bit uncomfortable, perhaps you are doing something truly bad".

I agree... to an extent.

More than likely the OP wants some degree of validation. I should have expressed it better, but my basic point is that if a situation is making you feel uncomfortable then it means there's probably an issue to address. It doesn't mean you're doing something bad, or 'wrong'... but if there's discomfort, it's probably best to figure out why.

If all are fine with what's going on, then more power to them. But since we are all operating on a very superficial level of understanding, I'm trying to understand why the question was being asked.
 

petite

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I agree... to an extent.

More than likely the OP wants some degree of validation. I should have expressed it better, but my basic point is that if a situation is making you feel uncomfortable then it means there's probably an issue to address.

If all are fine with what's going on, then more power to them. But since we are all operating on a very superficial level of understanding, I'm trying to understand why the question was being asked.

I read where the OP said that she brings it up because men in her past would not have been comfortable with it, and she wondered if that was usual or not. She explained her motivation for creating the OP. Taking that and dismissing it based on an assumption that she's actually trying to validate things that she is aware is really betraying her boyfriend on some level and insisting that it's the only reason why a person would create this thread? Why would you dismiss that? And what does that say about you and Phil, if we're going to get into deeper levels of understanding how other people think? Could the both of you be prone to jealousy yourselves and so you see betrayals in perfectly innocent behaviors of a person who simply made a thread to ask people how they would feel in the same situation?

What's good for the goose is good for the gander, if we're going for insinuating unpleasant things about others based upon why they ask certain questions.
 
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slate_australis

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I read where the OP said that she brings it up because men in her past would not have been comfortable with it, and she wondered if that was usual or not. She explained her motivation for creating the OP. Taking that and dismissing it based on an assumption that she's actually trying to validate things that she is aware is really betraying her boyfriend on some level and insisting that it's the only reason why a person would create this thread? Why would you dismiss that? And what does that say about you and Phil, if we're going to get into deeper levels of understanding how other people think? Could the both of you be prone to jealousy yourselves?

I never said that, and I certainly didn't insinuate negative things about the OP. You might have construed it as so, but I certainly have no desire... not the least of which because neither you, nor I, actually know this person.

Since it's a VERY superficial level of knowing a person's internal mechanics, I'm not reading any more into it than pure curiosity. I'm sure the OP has no negative intent and yes, I suppose I am putting myself into the other person's place... Is that necessarily the correct thing to do? Probably not, but it's the only way I can think about advice.

If a friend came to me with a similar scenario, and they have, I would ask the same questions, and more since I actually know them.

And for the record, I wish I didn't have a jealous streak... but I do, albeit a small one.
 
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petite

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I never said that.

Since it's a VERY superficial level of knowing a person's internal mechanics, I'm not reading any more into it than pure curiosity. I'm sure the OP has no negative intent and yes, I suppose I am putting myself into the other person's place... Is that necessarily the correct thing to do? Probably not, but it's the only way I can think about advice.

If a friend came to me with a similar scenario, and they have, I would ask the same questions, and more since I actually know them.

And for the record, I wish I didn't have a jealous streak... but I do, albeit a small one.

Not everyone's curiosity is seeking validation. I could very well have asked this exact same question. If I did and everyone else said that it would have made them jealous, I would not change my behavior because I would consider the thread to be a reflection on how much more poorly those other men stack up against my boyfriend, and not a reflection on whether or not my behavior was wrong. The only way that it could be said to "validate" me would be validating that I really do have as awesome of a boyfriend as I believe I have.

That's how I would see it, if I was in the OP's shoes. Isn't it interesting how we all see it differently in her shoes? That's my point. Like I said, it's a classic mistake to see one situation and assume that there is only one possible explanation.
 
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Guy-jin

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I think she can speak for herself on what her motivations were in posting this. I'm not sure why people feel the need to speculate when you could just ask her.

Honestly, I would find it weird if my significant other were to become so close with one of my best male friends that she's never met that they were discussing sexual things often.

In contrast, I wouldn't find it that weird if it happened with one of her friends. Or if it happened between myself and my friends.

But different people are different. It can happen. My best friend is a woman and she's become fast friends with her significant other's brother basically to that level. It's a little unusual, sure, but it's not cheating because there's no breech of trust between her and her significant other. Same goes for me and mine--I can talk about things beyond that "barrier" (and more) with other people as long as she knows it's going to happen (and she does).

Anyway, no, it's not cheating. That's my simple answer. I would just caution to make sure that it doesn't cross over into cheating at some point because it's possible if you're having a strong connection, even over the Internet. At the very least, it could end up with hurt feelings at some point and that would be difficult given the social dynamic of this little love triangle.
 

Phil Ayesho

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Well, you've explained why you're judging her, but I doubt that you can actually see into her heart. :rolleyes:

You've made the classic mistake of assuming a single motivation for a person's behavior, when that is simply one possible motivation.

This is an amazingly bad misreading of what I wrote.

I am not judging her.

I am not one of the many posters here telling her she is behaving just fine ( which is a judgment ) Nor am I saying she is behaving badly.


I am understanding her.


I am saying that she needs to judge her own actions by her own lights and consider WHAT IS IT, that was happening inside HER, to cause her to ask others this question.


I am not saying she is guilty, I am saying that some part of her must be FEELING guilty, else she would not be asking for other's to help her evaluate her actions.

And I am saying that if she is asking this, then, on some level, her boyfriend's acceptance notwithstanding, that She Herself must feel that she has stepped over some fine line in some regard.

And I am advising that it has nothing to do with sex... or illicit affairs...

that what it boils down to is that there are aspects of ourselves that we offer, first and foremost, to our mates.
And that feeling of guilt arises whenever we offer Anything to another, that should rightly be offered to our mate.

That might be nothing more than that special feeling of excitement that you will have time with them...


Again...
I am not judging her...
I am saying that, like it or not SHE is judging her, and the answer to her questions is going to be found in understanding the reasons she asked them.
 

helgaleena

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She has posted here because she wanted other opinions besides her own and her bf's. That does not mean she's insecure. It means she can hardly believe her present man is such a loving person! She is overjoyed and boasting of him! previous men were jealous freaks, and he is not! Hooray!

The line that is crossed to turn an interaction into cheating is dishonesty and concealment. OP is not doing that, and thus she receives positive reactions from her beloved.
 

Phil Ayesho

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The line that is crossed to turn an interaction into cheating is dishonesty and concealment. OP is not doing that, and thus she receives positive reactions from her beloved.

That is a simplistic statement only in that the person we are not entirely honest with most often is ourselves.

Are we concealing from our mate when we tell them everything... but do not bother to mention that the anticipation of online interaction with this other is as exciting as what we used to feel when looking forward to time with our mate when that relationship was new?

Are we being dishonest when we can not admit to ourselves that our interests in some other are not a form of infatuation?

Again... I don't care how many ways you want to try and re-invent the dynamic... anyone with experience in human psychology would tell you that asking such a question reveals an internal qualm.

And we seldom have qualms about things that are not valid.


She may very honestly be asking, because she either wants validation that her actions are fine... or someone to point out that she might want to dial it back down just a notch... to the point just BELOW girlish enthusing over your shared cadbury egg technique.

Would she want her SO to READ these emails? This correspondence?

If the answer is no... then she knows that she is going too far... even if only unwittingly.
 

MickeyLee

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*eye rolls right out of head... tries to catch orb before it hits the floor.. curses recently lost depth perception*
 

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Not cheating . But be careful. You know the man, we don't . Is he accepting of this because he doesn't want to rock the boat, doesn't want to push you away? Sometimes people just say nothing when they are not sure what to say. Consider how you would feel. Would the same conversation between he and another woman bother you?

My husband would not be very understanding if I were to have intimate conversation with another man. Nor would I want him to be so close. But it depends on exactly what's going on and what we all see as intimate.
You might want to listen carefully to his reactions. If you feel he is concerned, end it.
Sometimes we can hit points in our lives where it's easy to reach out to someone- especially over the net. But you don't want to cross a line that you can't repair.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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Egads, what happened here?! Lol.

That's not true. In fact she later said that she knows that previous boyfriends would not have been okay with it, which is the reason why she asked. I've dated men who would get insanely jealous if I simply spoke in public with a man that he suspected I was attracted to, even if my behavior was genuinely innocent, both outwardly and in my heart. She wasn't asking whether or not she ought to be judging herself, she was asking if her boyfriend's attitude was unusual.

Thanks for understanding!

Sorry, but I disagree...
This has nothing to do with how her boyfriend reacts. Nor how cool he is with it.


She is asking what other people think about a situation she is involved with.

SHE has doubts, or conflicted feelings, or she would not even ask.

People do not ask what other people think of something that they already are certain is fine with them.
They ask to check with the consensus...

We ask to better measure our own conduct when we have qualms about that conduct.

I'm not asking about my own situation, I'm asking others opinions about if they were or have been in a similar situation. I'm completely content with my own situation. Like I stated in my original post, my boyfriend and I are madly in love and trust each other to the ends of the Earth. I'm comfortable, the boyfriend is comfortable, and the friend is comfortable. We've even discussed it. It's a non-issue with us, but having been in relationships where so much as casually socializing with a guy is very much a big deal, this... security that my boyfriend is displaying is new to me. Not bad, just new. I like it. :smile:


Respectfully,

I doubt the question would be asked all things considered (the BF not seemingly having a problem) unless there is some kind of discomfort with the tone of the conversation.

If that response makes me 'judgemental', 'close-minded' etc etc, so be it :p

Both my partner and I have people we can comfortably talk to with about sex, but there is a boundary of how far I'd be happy with that talk to go.

Basically, my rule is if it makes you uncomfortable, or question whether its the right thing to do... perhaps it's not?

That's basically what I wanted to hear from everyone - what YOUR feelings on the subject are if YOU were in that situation.

*snip* I think she can speak for herself on what her motivations were in posting this. I'm not sure why people feel the need to speculate when you could just ask her.
Thank you. :redface:

*snip* She has posted here because she wanted other opinions besides her own and her bf's. That does not mean she's insecure. It means she can hardly believe her present man is such a loving person! She is overjoyed and boasting of him! previous men were jealous freaks, and he is not! Hooray!

Yep! :biggrin:
 

jamiegreen

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I don't consider it cheating. I've had friend from school who's female and we've shared stuff about sex and our partners over the years. My gf knows all about her. We've even seen each other naked as we've been on holiday and once there was a nudist beach and we just both stripped off. She's seen me in my underwear and speedos loads of times.
 

lafever

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It's called the grown up world, welcome to it.
Just remember, if it's ok with what you're doing than it's ok with what he's doing, are you ok with that?
Either way you answer that question you'll have the answer you're looking for.
C.
 

rtg

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Yeah, as long as you're open about it...and you're not actually talking about how much you want to suck your bf's friends' cock and whatnot, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Sounds like maybe you want your bf to get jealous or something?