Would you stay with a man who controlled your sex life?

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Drifterwood, Jan 5, 2012.

  1. Drifterwood

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    How would you react to a partner who wished to control your mutual sex life, other than your private fantasies and masturbation? For example, if he decided when, how often, what you did etc etc.
     
  2. rtg

    rtg
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    i'd ditch him. It's gotta be when both ppl want it..and it's not just about him! And doesn't sound like you'd be having much spontaneous, passionate sex either...
     
  3. ManlyBanisters

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    It kind of depends on what you mean by 'controlling'. I'm never going to try to make a partner have sex when he's not in the mood. I'll happily try to get him in the mood if he is not and I am, but I will take no for an answer. I expect the same from him. But that's not really controlling and I don't believe it is what you mean by the question anyway. (Open to correction on any assumption, of course.)

    For me sex is a mutual thing - completely mutual. It is not something I reward HickBoy with, nor that he rewards me with. It is something we do together because we both love every aspect of doing it together. There's nothing I do that gives him pleasure that does not also give me pleasure - sometimes my pleasure is predominantly from my own physical responses, sometimes the pleasure I take is more from the fact that what I'm doing gives him pleasure, sometimes it is a more even mix. If he wants to try something I and I turn out not to like it all then we probably won't do it again unless I ask to - if I want to try something and he turns out not to like it all then we probably won't do it again unless he asks to. We are fortunate (or maybe well-matched) in that our likes, dislikes and sexual boundaries are very similar - as are our sex-drives.

    We'll joke about the 'reward' aspect sometimes - 'You make the coffee, I'll give you head' or some such, but we both know the head is going to happen anyway, regardless of who makes the coffee, waters the dog, does the washing up, puts the trash out or whatever.

    If I thought a partner was using sex as some kind of psychological weapon to try to get me to do stuff, or not do stuff, or respond in certain ways, I wouldn't be too happy about it. I kind did have that situation with an ex. He would complain that I wasn't making enough effort, that I was never the one to make the first move and then when I did make more of an effort and / or the first move he would turn me down. But then if I didn't keep trying he'd go back to complaining about my lack of enthusiasm - it was very damaging to the relationship. He also, at various points in the relationship, did try to control my masturbation as well. I dealt with that by being dishonest - now I think about it that was a big danger sign early in the relationship and one I should have heeded. (By 'that' I mean my own dishonesty as well as his control issues.)

    I do wonder, given my knowledge of your topics of interest, if this thread is a device to get women to say something like what rememberthegirl has said and then point out that in a lot of relationships women treat men like that, rationing sex, using it as a manipulation tactic and such.

    IF, big 'if', that is a direction this thread was going to take (without my pushing it in that direction like I just have) I guess my input is this: a lot of the way sex is treated in the Western world (I have no experience of any other so I really can't comment on it) is still in a huge state of hangover from a pre-Swinging Sixties mentality where the general perception was that women did not enjoy sex and merely 'gave' it to their husbands as both a gift and because it was their duty to do so. Part of that hangover is the notion that men want and need more sex than women - I think that is entirely inaccurate and completely unfair on both men and women. But still the notion exists and is now combined with the far more reasonable notion that a woman should not have sex unless she wants to. Of course, neither should a man - but there is still an outdated view that men ALWAYS want sex, and both men and women still buy into that much of the time, too. Add all that together and you get a situation where the 'keys', as it were, of the sex in a monogamous, hetero relationship are handed to the woman and the man has to do as he is told. It is grossly unfair - to both the man and the woman.

    It is unfair to the man because he is made to feel wrong for wanting things that the woman says she does not and because his sexuality is confined within someone else's idea of what it should be. It is unfair to the woman because she's just living another preconceived stereotype that is no better than the 50s housewife lying back and thinking of England.

    It isn't powerful to take another person's sexuality and try to mold it - it's just mean and destructive. What is powerful is embracing one's own sexuality and finding someone (or sometwo or somethree, etc.) to share it with - or perhaps discovering that sharing it isn't for you at all. It would be nice if we could all do that - stop trying to be in charge of each other and just be honest about what we want to share and get on with sharing it, or not, as the case may be.
     
  4. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    Yes, it's true. We get what we need by *GASP*asking for it!No hints, just simple, direct communication.
     
  5. Drifterwood

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    So, you didn't stay with him. Thanks.
     
  6. thehighheelsgirl

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    Yes I did, and for the right Dom, I'd do it again.
     
  7. ManlyBanisters

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    I did not say he's an ex because of that. Don't turn my post into a one word answer that suits your agenda. I did not end that relationship because of issues with our sexual relationship.
     
  8. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    I've seen this in D&s relationships.

    The Dom dictates when and if the sub will masturbate, orgasm, touch themselves in a sexual context, to wearing lingerie - what types, and what under garments they are forbidden to wear.
    They dictate when they should make themselves available for sex and how the sub may or may not pleasure/touch them (the Dom) as part of a greeting ritual, etc.

    Outside a consensual D&s relationship where there is that agreed power exchange it's just plain unhealthy to be that manipulative.
    I wouldn't stay with anyone who engaged in non-consensual, manipulative power plays.
     
  9. D_Olga Steponyatova

    D_Olga Steponyatova New Member

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    In an evil super-villain type way, that would put the binders on the relationship. Attempting to dominate any domain of a relationship implies to me that either equality is not valued, or that there is a double-standard going on where it's OK to be equal in certain situations, but not when sex is the topic.

    Proviso being that it's not an agreed upon domination, and control is being put into play (not merely a fantasy).
     
  10. dolfette

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    i'm a pervert, so if it was done by the right guy, in the right tone, i'd be fine with that. it's not like i have much drive of my own.
     
  11. B_Nia88

    B_Nia88 New Member

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    I am in that kind of relationship his sex drive id very high as he is in his early 20's and i am here to serve and satisfy him and happy to do it. It is right for me.
     
  12. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    It is true. I want to hit your BIG AZZ! Bend over!
     
  13. Solvejg

    Solvejg New Member

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    With the right dom. Yes.
     
  14. petite

    petite New Member

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    I could play that kind of game for a short time and it could be fun and kinky, but I don't think it would stay fun after a while. I can imagine how it could get really enjoyable if he had a good imagination. Agreeing to a "rule" where I can't masturbate without telling him, it's pretty damn kinky to imagine* calling him up when he's at work to tell him what I'm doing and what I'm thinking about... Or him calling me before he comes home to "command" me to keep myself aroused but not orgasm until he comes home to finish me off? That kind of stuff?


    *Haha, I say imagine - like I've never done it before!
     
    #14 petite, Jan 7, 2012
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2012
  15. D_Dick_Jagger

    D_Dick_Jagger Account Disabled

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    Um...granted I am new here, but from the threads I have been reading...how is this truly a women's issue? Could not the same question be asked of ,en, both gay and straight?
     
  16. B_M37

    B_M37 New Member

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    No.... It's gotta be a two way thing
    Although being tied up occasionally doesn't bother me
     
  17. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    Yeah.
     
  18. NotSoDumb_Blonde

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    I don't even have to think about this. No way. Let someone else decide when, how often, and what we did? I can't see that happening.

    Can I ask, why the question?
     
  19. helgaleena

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    Indeed, this is not a women's issue IMO. It's a BDSM issue that does not rest on gender at all.

    A sub will be happy in a situation like that and a non-sub will be inconvenienced and get away.

    The only exception I can think of was if there was no economic or legal recourse to get away, as in other cultures than the one I live in, thank the gods.
     
  20. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

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    Sorry, but this post really irritates me.

    A sub will not necessarily be happy with a situation like this, and a situation like this is not necessarily linked to BDSM.

    Not all subs will consent to giving up control over when or what is done sexually. Even of those who do, many will not give up complete control. Additionally, many of those subs will only consent to this within a D/s relationship, but will tell the person to get fucked if it's attempted within a vanilla relationship. Even if it began as a D/s relationship, if there's no consent, then it's not part of the D/s relationship anymore - it becomes a normal old relationship problem or abuse. In that case the sub will be just as likely (or unlikely) to 'get away' as anyone else.

    Finally, you are forgetting to acknowledge the many non-subs (male and female) out there who are perfectly willing to accept this sort of thing as a condition of a relationship. We get people on here regularly complaining about this sort of thing.
     
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