Would you stay with a man who controlled your sex life?

dolfette

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until 20ish years ago there was no such crime as marital rape in england.

so a husband had the right to control his wife's sex life to a great degree. he could have sex with her whether she wanted to or not.

even if they were separated she needed a formal deed of separation... a court order for him not to rape her. seriously.

it was very much a women's issue for anyone of my mother's generation.
 
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Tattooed Goddess

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How would you react to a partner who wished to control your mutual sex life, other than your private fantasies and masturbation? For example, if he decided when, how often, what you did etc etc.

I find it ridiculous. But then again, women do this all the time to men and no one thinks anything about it. Other women don't typically hassle another female friend or family member who is upset because her man is masturbating to Playboy or has been looking at internet porn. It seems to be a very hypocritical thing if you ask me.
 

Drifterwood

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When researching sexology studies on infidelity, because of some other recent threads, it became clear that all the sexologists took for granted that women needed to be in control of their sex lives and that this was a primary cause of extra relationship sex for women (not men, but that is a different topic). I haven't read the research that seems to make sexologists take this for granted. I think I understand Subs enough to also say that they control their submissiveness.

Having had several encounters with married women for purely sexual reasons, I would agree with the "He doesn't lust for me anymore, I need more sex than he can give me, I want something that he can't or won't give me", or any combination.

I am not judging women's behaviour, and I don't want other people to either, which is why I put the thread here as opposed to the relationship forum. It isn't aboout relationships anyway, this is an open honest question to women for their informed comment, and I am pleased to see that we are getting that.
 

Tattooed Goddess

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Ok, so are you telling me that my contribution to the conversation was not necessary since you were indicating this on a primal level and not a relationship level? I'm not quite sure if I'm just being hypersensitive in presuming this or you were just trying to say Mademoiselle, thanks for the effort but STFU or what.
 

B_subgirrl

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I find it ridiculous. But then again, women do this all the time to men and no one thinks anything about it. Other women don't typically hassle another female friend or family member who is upset because her man is masturbating to Playboy or has been looking at internet porn. It seems to be a very hypocritical thing if you ask me.

Yep, both women and men (obviously not all of either gender) engage in this sort of thing, and it's often seen as acceptable, if irritating. The many people who will only have sex on a weekend, or will only do missionary are controlling when and how sex is happening, but it seems all too easy for people to jump to the more extreme scenarios and assume either BDSM or abuse.
 

Drifterwood

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Ok, so are you telling me that my contribution to the conversation was not necessary since you were indicating this on a primal level and not a relationship level? I'm not quite sure if I'm just being hypersensitive in presuming this or you were just trying to say Mademoiselle, thanks for the effort but STFU or what.

Not at all, MR, in fact the opposite. But your comment that women do this all the time to men, whilst a big issue and one that gets the sexes hurling abuse at each other, is a different issue and I don't want to focus on that if possible. Of course people can always throw in what they want.
 

dolfette

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Having had several encounters with married women for purely sexual reasons, I would agree with the "He doesn't lust for me anymore, I need more sex than he can give me, I want something that he can't or won't give me", or any combination.
i wouldn't trust those as the real reasons just because they're the reasons given. i think we all create rationalisations for our actions. turn ourselves into situational victims rather than just admitting we want to be selfish and hedonistic.

i think that a lot of the time the truth is closer to, ''because i want to and it's fun/exciting''.
 

Drifterwood

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i wouldn't trust those as the real reasons just because they're the reasons given. i think we all create rationalisations for our actions. turn ourselves into situational victims rather than just admitting we want to be selfish and hedonistic.

i think that a lot of the time the truth is closer to, ''because i want to and it's fun/exciting''.

I'd cover that in the being lusted and he won't/can't give me x,y,z.

Doing what you want to, is being in control, no?
 

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Drifter, as a woman who is quite stern about normal bitchy women behavior. Particularly bitchy women behavior that is coming out of no where with no causation....because there IS plenty of that and few women are willing to swim upstream and say it....

Women can perceive a man who is working overtime and odd hours to help pay the monthly bills so she can stay home with the children as he doesn't have time for her anymore. That could entirely be true, but why is it that he doesn't have time for you anymore? I am actually going to ask that.

I don't make tons of friends because I am willing to ask that. I sound like a psychiatrist I know but it's the way I think in order to keep myself as grounded as possible with my emotions about my marriage. I wish I could be as good at it in other forms of relationships I have in my life. But we all (men or women) need to really peel back the onion layers of what is going on and try to figure out if there is a side we aren't seeing and what we can do about it to make this situation change.

This is where affairs are short acting to fix whatever problem you are having with your spouse. Often times, if the satellite relationship is allowed to bloom and become the primary relationship, that relationship will begin to suffer a similar painful death. Because the reasons he/she became unhappy were not resolved in a way that helps them learn to be wiser in the situation.

Boy are you making me think tonight DW!
 

dolfette

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I'd cover that in the being lusted and he won't/can't give me x,y,z.

Doing what you want to, is being in control, no?
no, he can be giving her all that.
people are greedy fuckers.
why just eat till we're full when we could eat ourselves to death? why drink until we're drunk when we can drink until we pass out?

doing what we want isn't always being in control.
if we feel like desire are controlling us then we feel out of control.
 

Drifterwood

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This is where affairs are short acting to fix whatever problem you are having with your spouse. Often times, if the satellite relationship is allowed to bloom and become the primary relationship, that relationship will begin to suffer a similar painful death. Because the reasons he/she became unhappy were not resolved in a way that helps them learn to be wiser in the situation.

Boy are you making me think tonight DW!

I am not sure about this from my personal experiences and those of friends who ae divorced.

I have been a pure sex object for married women who are very happy in their marriages, with no thought to leave, but who simply wish some, more or different sex to what they know is going to happen with their husbands.

I also know well several men who have been left by their wives after they have had initial affairs for whatever reason and then decided that they can safely burn their bridges.

In both instances, I would say that the women are controlling their sex lives, and if that means leaving the primary relationship, then so be it, married or otherwise.

Of course this is only people who have had the ability to control what has happened, so now you have me thinking what happens when you can't.
 

twoton

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How would you react to a partner who wished to control your mutual sex life, other than your private fantasies and masturbation? For example, if he decided when, how often, what you did etc etc.

Back in the day, this was my wife's preference. Her favorite sex was when I'd randomly grab her and bend her over, push her skirt up, and we'd have a quickie.

And there were times when she wanted something other than what I did, but she complied.

It was essentially up to me as to when, where, and how. Sometimes we'd get to sex so fast that she'd still be fairly dry, and it must have been somewhat painful at the start. (frankly, sometimes it was painful for me, too)

Ironically, that put some pressure on me to be able to deliver at a fairly constant frequency so that I'd be sure to catch her when she really wanted to be caught.

But then years of marriage, kids, medical issues....
 

petite

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I was happy with a man who wouldn't have sex with me more than three times a week, when he would satisfy me. Our sex life was very routine, which isn't to my taste and he resisted change despite my attempts. It wasn't exciting, but I was sated. If that's what you mean, then yes, I suppose I would let a man control my sex life. We broke up for other reasons and I was heartbroken. When were happy, the other aspects of our relationship were so fulfilling that I considered it a good relationship.
 
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NotSoDumb_Blonde

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When researching sexology studies on infidelity, because of some other recent threads, it became clear that all the sexologists took for granted that women needed to be in control of their sex lives and that this was a primary cause of extra relationship sex for women (not men, but that is a different topic). I haven't read the research that seems to make sexologists take this for granted. I think I understand Subs enough to also say that they control their submissiveness.

Having had several encounters with married women for purely sexual reasons, I would agree with the "He doesn't lust for me anymore, I need more sex than he can give me, I want something that he can't or won't give me", or any combination.

I am not judging women's behaviour, and I don't want other people to either, which is why I put the thread here as opposed to the relationship forum. It isn't aboout relationships anyway, this is an open honest question to women for their informed comment, and I am pleased to see that we are getting that.

Thanks for the clarification, DM.