Would You Tell Your Partner If You Cheated?

erpap

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I have not cheated! My partner has told me never cheated. But I wonder would you tell your partner if you cheated? A one to,eh or two time mistake, would you say something risking... much anger, hurt, confusion and talk. So would you tell your partner?
 

marriedasian

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i would start off my saying that if cheating has entered your mind and has become an option that you are considering then it's time to exit the relationship. it's not a blanket statement since there are situations where it's not so black and white however for the mass general, i stand on this notion.

if you cheated then you really have two choices: 1) come clean or 2) hide it and hope it doesn't catch up to you.

option 1 is probably the best option because as i said, if you made the choice (yes, it's a choice) to cheat then there must have been enough in the relationship for you to steer that way otherwise you wouldn't have. not all relationships end because of cheating. sometimes a relationship can grow stronger because of it due to the cheating bringing to the forefront whatever it was that caused the cheater to stray. either way, your partner deserves to know the truth.

option 2 is a bit tricky. many will say "it was just a one-time deal and coming clean would only hurt my partner and put stress on the relationship" and i would partially agree. it doesn't negate the fact that you made the "choice", meaning that there was a reason enough for you to do it whether that "reason" was within the relationship, your partner, or even yourself. we don't accidentally cheat.

i would recommend option 1 but if you are going with option 2 then i would at least hear you out before i start passing any judgement. of course you will eventually hear me say "why didn't you break up first? that way you can fuck all you want and it would not be cheating at all".
 
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7053701

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I have not cheated! My partner has told me never cheated. But I wonder would you tell your partner if you cheated? A one to,eh or two time mistake, would you say something risking... much anger, hurt, confusion and talk. So would you tell your partner?
That is the tip of a very complicated issue. So, let's backtrack a bit.

I am going to use You language here, but that doesn't mean it is aimed at the OP.

What made you cheat? There are so many reasons why someone would want to go outside of their relationship. And, just because someone did, that doesn't necessarily make them a horrible person. Sometimes life circumstances lead a person there as a selfish opportunity, a natural drifting away, or even as a lifeline for personal survival.

The first one: a selfish opportunity. These are the philandering jerks that people are used to, that are easy to vilify. Essentially, long-term relationships are not their cup of tea. When they do land, they quickly get bored, and search the room for another person to have sex with. Yes, that was reductionist, but I don't think we need a lot of filler there.

Generally, that sort of person will never tell their spouse what is going on, until maybe the very end when they leave them. They are, quintessentially, The Cheater.

2nd: naturally drifting away. This happens, and there really isn't blame here for anyone. Life just takes people in other directions. Sometimes you outgrow your partner, or they you. People mature and grow, and the person you met 10 years ago (especially if they were in their 20s or early 30s) will change.

This would be the situation where a sit-down, adult conversation should happen between the two of them. Your lives have naturally separated in one way or another, and it is time to get on with it. But, it takes courage to do that. Dragging it out just prolongs the inevitable.

3rd: using the affair as a means of survival. I do mean that literally. Some people find themselves in a relationship with an abuser, highly dependent, and can't just pick up and leave. Kids might be involved, their spouse may have full financial and social control, emotional and physical abuse in varying degrees could be in play.. An unsafe, unstable environment, which for whatever reason they can't/won't leave.

This is the sort of situation where an affair can be a developing lifeline to get out, or a mental oasis while they are together to stay sane/take a break/have normalcy. That person should never tell their spouse what is going on.

There are also a lot of other variables, and situations, spread across a spectrum. Those are just a couple of high points.

So, telling or not is not so simple.
 
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LilJock

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My first wife and I married young. Probably too young. After the first couple years of our marriage she and I had an "open relationship", i.e., we both had sex with others. When I was overseas in the Navy, she had sex with a buddy of mine. She'd never climaxed with me from my penis alone -- just from oral -- but she could with his much bigger cock. I'd been messing around with other women for a year or so. Despite starting so late -- she was my first -- I'd made up for lost time!

When I got back off leave, I talked with a fellow who'd told me he screwed lots of married women, many of whose husbands had small cocks. He thought I should encourage my wife in this direction. When I protested that we had good sex, he pointed out I'd just admitted my cock was too small for her, so that couldn't be completely true. Later that night I wrote her a long letter saying she was free to have sex with other guys if that's what she needed.

She always told me about the men she slept with. It was a big turn on for both of us. I never told her about the women I was seeing, although I'm pretty sure she knew I was messing around too.

In all my other serious relationships I never cheated. Well, hardly never. With my current wife, I haven't and never would. I'm totally in love with her and have no interested in other women. Well, hardly ever. A couple years ago we discussed her having outside relationships with men if she wanted. She seemed open to the idea (but just for her!), but she's not done anything so far. Maybe once the covid scare's over. . . ?
 

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Had someone asked me this question years ago, I may have said that I would have confessed to cheating.

Now, years later, the sex has gone from my marriage, because my wife has lost her sex drive. She is aware that she has lost interest; yet, she does not want to do anything about it.

My already high sex drive is as strong as it ever was. Since she would not do anything about this matter, I felt cheated. As a result, I have been cheating. I have had numerous sex partners and various cities, all men, some of whom find themselves in a marriage similar to my own, others single or anything in between.

I am finding the sexual gratification that I should have had within my marriage.

I have no intention of stopping.

I have no intention of confessing my adultery.

I have every intention of continuing to enjoy myself.
 

canadian_guy486

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Had someone asked me this question years ago, I may have said that I would have confessed to cheating.

Now, years later, the sex has gone from my marriage, because my wife has lost her sex drive. She is aware that she has lost interest; yet, she does not want to do anything about it.

My already high sex drive is as strong as it ever was. Since she would not do anything about this matter, I felt cheated. As a result, I have been cheating. I have had numerous sex partners and various cities, all men, some of whom find themselves in a marriage similar to my own, others single or anything in between.

I am finding the sexual gratification that I should have had within my marriage.

I have no intention of stopping.

I have no intention of confessing my adultery.

I have every intention of continuing to enjoy myself.

I find this odd. Why wouldn’t you just split from your wife? You can’t say it’s because of love, or else cheating wouldn’t be happening. Or you would at least feel some shred of guilt about this, which you obviously don’t. Why stay married? Just split up, be single, and have your fun. I don’t understand hanging on to something you’re clearly no longer happy with or getting any kind of fulfillment out of.
 
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MilfBanger78

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I find this odd. Why wouldn’t you just split from your wife? You can’t say it’s because of love, or else cheating wouldn’t be happening. Or you would at least feel some shred of guilt about this, which you obviously don’t. Why stay married? Just split up, be single, and have your fun. I don’t understand hanging on to something you’re clearly no longer happy with or getting any kind of fulfillment out of.

Maybe he still loves her, I cant speak for him, maybe they have kids etc. Maybe he enjoys her company aside from the lack of sex.

My older sister is in a similar situation, she gets along with hubby in every other aspect except his low sex drive which he wont try to fix. So she gets her needs satisfied elsewhere. No-strings attached, steady big-dick fuck buddies. Shes too young and attractive to just give up on sex.

Her n hubby have kids and grandkids, a home, investments etc. No need to split everything up just over sex.
 
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I hear you guys I'm married almost 7 years one kid when I met her I was going to be honest about my cock sucking fetish but when she told me she supports gay or bi guys but not her man that was it so for years since I'm 17 48 soon I have secretly over years hooked up with guys sucked them good times even when was single alot of years only a handful of people knew of my fetish .but when we first hooked up and first few years alot of sex dirty stuff but when my son came and her career is more now its harder and I stray to this site and others I only hooked up once since with her last year before this disaster started sucked off this Asian massage guy .I so want to do again and like you guys say be yourself safe and enjoy life
 
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cityjock89

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I find this odd. Why wouldn’t you just split from your wife? You can’t say it’s because of love, or else cheating wouldn’t be happening. Or you would at least feel some shred of guilt about this, which you obviously don’t. Why stay married? Just split up, be single, and have your fun. I don’t understand hanging on to something you’re clearly no longer happy with or getting any kind of fulfillment out of.

do you realise how many single women there would be in the world? So many men cheat because they don’t get it at home.
 

MilfBanger78

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do you realise how many single women there would be in the world? So many men cheat because they don’t get it at home.


Exactly. Plus if there are kids involved its not so easy to just split up the family. Like i said above sometimes everything is great in the relationship except for sex.
 
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Nigel Atkinson

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I hear you guys I'm married almost 7 years one kid when I met her I was going to be honest about my cock sucking fetish but when she told me she supports gay or bi guys but not her man that was it so for years since I'm 17 48 soon I have secretly over years hooked up with guys sucked them good times even when was single alot of years only a handful of people knew of my fetish .but when we first hooked up and first few years alot of sex dirty stuff but when my son came and her career is more now its harder and I stray to this site and others I only hooked up once since with her last year before this disaster started sucked off this Asian massage guy .I so want to do again and like you guys say be yourself safe and enjoy life

Do you think a divorce would be messy for you guys ? How do you feel about shared custody ?
 

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Please understand there is a difference between love and sex. One provides emotional and spiritual gratification, the other physical.

In my book the former is far more important then the latter, but I understand there is a need for both. If one spouse is not providing that physical need, then I questions that person's concern for the neglected party as much as the neglected party's seeking physical gratification without open and honest communication with someone they love.
 

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I have not cheated! My partner has told me never cheated. But I wonder would you tell your partner if you cheated? A one to,eh or two time mistake, would you say something risking... much anger, hurt, confusion and talk. So would you tell your partner?
No never done but don’t think I would
 

ohiorod

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I don’t want to come across as I have an air of superiority, so please know that I say this with no judgments. If indeed I ever by some god forsaken chance cheated on my partner, yes I would tell him. However, I have a really strong moral compass and I just know I would never cheat on him. The only conditions where I could in my wildest imagination think it could even be a strong temptation to cheat would be if I was drinking a lot of alcohol. But, I am way past those days where alcohol had a strong presence in my life, so I just know it will not happen. As for looking at attractive men, guilty as hell! Occasionally, I point someone out to my partner or a couple times I have had therapy patients who were so attractive, that I had to concentrate to ignore the distraction. I have told my partner about some of them also.
But back to the concept of cheating, there is no way I would hurt the man I love. For some, it would be a matter of not telling their partner because of potential hurt, but for me, it makes more sense to just not do it, as I would not be able look deep into my partner’s eyes ever again.
 

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What a topic of discussion!

My wife underwent major oral surgery and lost 1/3 of her tongue to cancer. She got a flap reconstruction so she has a tongue but it is nowhere near what a normal, fully functioning tongue is like. After her surgery she could suck me and we could kiss and it worked fine enough for me. But, and this is a big BUT, she admitted to me that if the time and place and person arose and things seemed perfect and okay, that she'd be okay with me getting a proper blowjob from someone else, mainly because she couldn't do it like she used to anymore and would never be able to give me that same level of pleasure again and felt bad for me because I was missing out. :eek: I didn't want to believe her but she said for sure she'd be okay with it. I've never taken her up on this option (although at a strip club less than a year after her surgery I came very very close to one and passed) and its been like 7 years or so now and I'm not that into it anymore, but it may still be on the table (I haven't asked her about this in a long long time).

She's going through menopause due to cancer treatments and it fucking sucks. I'm not going to candy coat this at all: it fucking blows chunks for both of us. We've had a decent amount of sex the last two months but there have been issues on my end (I'm too fucking nervous and excited to get hard for her when the time comes and she's wet and ready for me although I get hard like 20 times a day in seconds from almost nothing at all), but last year, the whole year, we only had sex 6 times and we used to be like a 25+ times a month married couple. She can't suck me for that long and only a few times a year can she handle sucking me to completion. I'd be fine if she could please me orally because she loves to suck me its a passion of hers. But no BJ and no sex, its hard to sustain the level of orgasmic completion I really need to feel normal and feel like a human. I cum sometimes and wish I hadn't, its underwhelming sometimes.

Thinking about cheating on her turns my stomach. She's the love of my life. But, I can certainly see why married or committed partners might cheat. Last year just the thought of touching a sopping wet pussy made me think what it would be like to fuck another woman. She's ready for me again so the thoughts are passing, thank god! However, I know what the frustration is like. To go from so much sex all the time that its just the normal way of life to absolutely none at all, for months and months with no hope in sight, its is a life change, a big one.
 

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What a topic of discussion!

My wife underwent major oral surgery and lost 1/3 of her tongue to cancer. She got a flap reconstruction so she has a tongue but it is nowhere near what a normal, fully functioning tongue is like. After her surgery she could suck me and we could kiss and it worked fine enough for me. But, and this is a big BUT, she admitted to me that if the time and place and person arose and things seemed perfect and okay, that she'd be okay with me getting a proper blowjob from someone else, mainly because she couldn't do it like she used to anymore and would never be able to give me that same level of pleasure again and felt bad for me because I was missing out. :eek: I didn't want to believe her but she said for sure she'd be okay with it. I've never taken her up on this option (although at a strip club less than a year after her surgery I came very very close to one and passed) and its been like 7 years or so now and I'm not that into it anymore, but it may still be on the table (I haven't asked her about this in a long long time).

She's going through menopause due to cancer treatments and it fucking sucks. I'm not going to candy coat this at all: it fucking blows chunks for both of us. We've had a decent amount of sex the last two months but there have been issues on my end (I'm too fucking nervous and excited to get hard for her when the time comes and she's wet and ready for me although I get hard like 20 times a day in seconds from almost nothing at all), but last year, the whole year, we only had sex 6 times and we used to be like a 25+ times a month married couple. She can't suck me for that long and only a few times a year can she handle sucking me to completion. I'd be fine if she could please me orally because she loves to suck me its a passion of hers. But no BJ and no sex, its hard to sustain the level of orgasmic completion I really need to feel normal and feel like a human. I cum sometimes and wish I hadn't, its underwhelming sometimes.

Thinking about cheating on her turns my stomach. She's the love of my life. But, I can certainly see why married or committed partners might cheat. Last year just the thought of touching a sopping wet pussy made me think what it would be like to fuck another woman. She's ready for me again so the thoughts are passing, thank god! However, I know what the frustration is like. To go from so much sex all the time that its just the normal way of life to absolutely none at all, for months and months with no hope in sight, its is a life change, a big one.

your wife sounds absolutely amazing! Brave and honest. Don’t forget that (I’m not preaching or anything).

hope you both get it back soon :)
 
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stustu

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This is a tough question. There are several opinions already summited.
For me, I took my vows seriously, knowing that life is uncertain and we really never
know what is next. Communication might be the answer to this question too.
If the healthy spouse used masterbation while being next to their spouse could that be
an acceptable solution?
 
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deleted8340051

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My ex cheated on me with strangers at least ten times in a two-year relationship. We got COVID because of it. It ruined our relationship. But I feel I had a right to know. If it's once or twice, perhaps it's better not to tell. But, if it's ongoing, your partner should know. He says it was a way to get back at me when I was rude. But you should break-up instead.