Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by PYBIMA, Oct 16, 2009.
How do you deal with your feelings and the need to be with someone else?
This has to be one of the top ten most popular questions of all time on this site.
IMO, when it gets to the point that you want to fool around with others, the relationship is over. Something else is always wrong in the marriage/relationship. You may not realize it or feel like dealing with it but rarely is 'just sex' the problem.
Although I almost always agree with NJ on things, I think on this topic we differ. Maybe it's because I've been in a very long and sex-starved marriage. I know it may be difficult for most of us here to understand (since we are probably highly-sexed or we wouldn't be here) but there are some people we have little or no libido. I could go on, but this has been discussed endlessly here...just do a search and you might get some other members' persectives.
If the relationship/marriage is strong,IMHO, you wouldn't want or need to "fool around" on that other side of your sexuality. Life if choices and though you may be attracted to and attractive to other persons, it is simply not reasonable to assume that you ignore, or at least seriously compromise, the commitment you have made with your long term partner.
Just about every relationship has its problems, but isn't it just good sense to face them and work through them? What you endanger is far more important than the temporary release to be found in the tinsel and firecracker of casual sex.
What happens sexually between two persons should always be and remain personal and private and cheaters risk a firestorm at home if found out. Sadly, we have to admit that the OP has lots of company in his feeling that he "needs" to be with someone else.
If I needed to be with someone else sexually, I would.
I would be open and expect my partner to understand that the one off hump would not threaten our relationship.
If I wanted an emotionally intimate, romantic relationship with another person, I would tell my partner and then we would decide together if we wanted to allow this type of exploration while staying together or take a break.
:shrug: The odd outside dalliance, as long as we're open, honest, and safe, does not bother/threaten me.
I think almost anyone in a long-term relationship has this desire, and it has nothing to do with the strength of the relationship. Men and women are not born to be monogamous. Monogamy is almost unique to Judaism and the religions that it spawned, and it came about by trying to control women's sex lives in order to control the line of inheritance from father to son. If you don't control a woman's partners, than any man can be the father of her children, and men become, in the scheme of things, largely irrelevant.
The majority of cultures had (and many still have) non-monogamous marriages, recognising the reality of our desire to have sex with other people.
As to the West, we haven't been successful, and the percentages are as high as 30% to 40% unfaithfulness. And time and again, the famous people who get caught out are often happy together but still have a desire to stray. Those who aren't in the public eye are often happy together, but still have a desire to stray.
I agree with LadyShady's view that one-off sex is not the end of a relationship, but being romantic with another person may require some deep thinking. I have been in the latter, and my experience was that I could love one person and love another person, and my love for the first wasn't affected by my love for the second. Love is not either / or, it's not equivalent to possession, instead it's additive.