You got to love John Cleese, he's so funny.

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by aj31, Feb 6, 2008.

  1. aj31

    aj31 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2007
    Messages:
    19
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Perth, Western Australia
    A Message from John Cleese - British comedian:

    To the citizens of the United States of America :
    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
    candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

    Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
    America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded and with it much of your government corruption.

    A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
    rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

    1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
    and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
    skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the
    suffix '-ise'.

    Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

    3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
    such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
    Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
    adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
    elimination of -ize.

    4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

    5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
    therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
    more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
    start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
    will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
    conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
    understand the British sense of humour.

    8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

    9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

    10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
    beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
    as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

    11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
    good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
    play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
    dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

    13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
    host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
    outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
    world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

    14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
    Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
    monies due (backdated to 1776).

    16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
    saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

    God save the Queen.
     
  2. D_Hyacinth Harrytwat

    D_Hyacinth Harrytwat Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2008
    Messages:
    908
    Likes Received:
    0
    He will never cease to be funny.
     
  3. bendigoboi

    bendigoboi New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2007
    Messages:
    716
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Bendigo, Australia
    These changes will require development of an extensive re-education PROGRAMME.

    Presumably failure to comply will be punished with GAOL time as well!
     
  4. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2007
    Messages:
    6,278
    Likes Received:
    6
    God I adore that man!!
     
  5. jakeatolla

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 22, 2004
    Messages:
    3,093
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    10
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    Brilliant !!!!!
     
  6. Drifterwood

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2007
    Messages:
    15,725
    Likes Received:
    386
    Location:
    Fingringhoe (GB)
    He was well educated.
     
  7. BobLeeSwagger

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2003
    Messages:
    1,481
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
  8. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2003
    Messages:
    28,026
    Likes Received:
    733
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    the pain behind your eyes
    Funny, but if I had to live with a smartass like that, I'd start an insurrection.
     
  9. Gonzo3

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,146
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    World wide dudes ,world wide
    ................:mad:
     
  10. Tickled Pink

    Tickled Pink New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2008
    Messages:
    674
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Kent, England
    I agree with all the above except you forgot to mention Sunday dinner = Roast Beef, Yorkshire Puddings (homemade), roast potatoes, stuffing, vegtables and gravy (also homemade). Do not worry lowly americans we will set up classes where you will learn to cook properly!
     
  11. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 11, 2007
    Messages:
    6,278
    Likes Received:
    6
    You forgot the Sticky Date Pudding with Hard Sauce and Double Cream.
     
  12. Tickled Pink

    Tickled Pink New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2008
    Messages:
    674
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Kent, England
    No, spotted dick and custard ! lol!
     
  13. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2005
    Messages:
    10,730
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    That twinge in your intestines
    God Save The Queen, indeed! Now on to the beer. Real beer. Mmmmmmmbeeeerrrrrrrrrr...
     
  14. Mr. Snakey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2006
    Messages:
    24,702
    Likes Received:
    25
    A very funny man indeed...........
     
  15. Tickled Pink

    Tickled Pink New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2008
    Messages:
    674
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Kent, England
    He's on wife No. 4 you know!
     
  16. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2002
    Messages:
    83,922
    Likes Received:
    34
    Maybe they'll use stocks. I like stocks.
     
  17. Calboner

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2007
    Messages:
    9,026
    Albums:
    5
    Likes Received:
    2,465
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    USA
    Whether you think the "revocation" funny or not, please, people, do NOT repeat the canard that it was written by John Cleese! According to Snopes, it was authored by one Alan Baxter of Rochester, England, in response to the 2000 presidential election.

    For my part, I find the piece very heavy-handed, and I think it shows an underappreciation of Cleese's wit to attribute it to him. Such an attribution also misrepresents his attitude toward the United States, the country in which he has made his home for a number of years.
     
  18. Mr. Bungle

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2008
    Messages:
    1,056
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    117
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    In the Huge Tits On A Thin Body thread
    Whenever I think John Cleese, I can't help but think of the Monty Python sketch where he and his wife (Terry Jones in drag) intrude on the guy (Graham Chapman) and his girfriend, and they just keep inviting people into the house, along with the guy and his pet goat.

    "My name is Equator - BRIAN Equator, like around the middle of the earth, only with an "L"... bwwaaaahahahahaha..."
     
Draft saved Draft deleted