Young Closeted Guys

[D_Billy_Buttram]

I'm in the same situation as many of you and agree with just about everything written here so far. Im 21 and in the closet. One of the biggest reasons I haven't come out, besides the obvious conservative south and all that jazz is that I really dont know what exactly I want. I've been in a serious relationship with a woman and it was great (for a while). I've never done anything with a guy, however, and am not the type of guy to just hook up. That makes it kind of difficult to experiment with my gay or bi side when I want more of a relationship, but still would like to remain in the closet until I at least decide for myself who I am and what I want.


Id love to talk with you, or anyone else, about it.

 

[b1gm3]

I'm 23, a virgin and have never had a real, serious relationship; so it's safe to assume that my close friends/family have already speculated on my sexuality. My mum asked me point blank if I was gay when I was visiting a few weeks ago. I said no, but she must not have believed me because the next day my brother told me she asked if I was depressed because I was gay.

The fact that I'm a shy/anxious/self-conscious nerdy guy, has hindered most of my potential relationships and sexual encounters. I never know when girls are into me and when to make a move, so I end up playing myself into the friend-zone. I freak out that I'll mess things up/be lousy at sex/she's too good for me. The older I get, the harder it is.

Sexually and emotionally, I like girls a lot. But, I can't say that I haven't checked out guys before, too. Can I see myself having anal sex or a relationship with a guy? Not really, that simply doesn't interest me. I won't deny some physical attraction though, and I am okay with that. I see no reason to come out, because I guess I consider myself 'straight.' As insecure as I am as a person, I feel secure enough with my sexuality.

It's funny, because my among my friends and I always advocate honesty and self-confidence while I'm the most neurotic, insecure person I know. :redface:

Is it possible to be going through the EXACT same thing as you? I think so.

I have spent so long trying to cover up my bisexuality that friends have said "you're the straightest guy we know".. I think all the years that I've tried to hide it has made me too afraid to even acknowledge it. It's going to be hard because I am just not ready to come out. I don't know if I ever will be.

 

[424365]

I'm afraid of losing my best friend and I'm just not comfortable with who I am yet

 

[D_George Tush]

I'm open about it with my friends, but I dare not come out to my parents. God no.

 

[zpacifico]

you will know what to do when the right time comes. your life - your responsibility. many times we ourselves make things too complicated when taking in consideration other peoples feelings and opinions.

 

[rbkwp]

you will know what to do when the right time comes. your life - your responsibility.



Yes that may be so,
BUT
we all differ and with younger folk going thru Puberty Adolesence young adulthood, peer pressure and all other associateds, incl zits dare i say
its not really a matter of knowing when the time is right, i dont think.
30 year olds are often emotionally insecure and dont know where they are at, let alone where there sexuality is at.
My further thoughts anyway

I often wonder WHY? Govts are or dont appear to give out truthful statistics re Youth suicide, possibly because they dont / will never know ( too hard basket so ignore it)
I would HATE to think of the many youngsters M & F who do such a thing as suicide, because of sexuality issues
( and dont forget the many attempteds)
enz

 

[aqua-illusion]

I'm in the same situation as many of you and agree with just about everything written here so far. Im 21 and in the closet. One of the biggest reasons I haven't come out, besides the obvious conservative south and all that jazz is that I really dont know what exactly I want. I've been in a serious relationship with a woman and it was great (for a while). I've never done anything with a guy, however, and am not the type of guy to just hook up. That makes it kind of difficult to experiment with my gay or bi side when I want more of a relationship, but still would like to remain in the closet until I at least decide for myself who I am and what I want.


Id love to talk with you, or anyone else, about it.

I can sympathize with your feelings. I too am not into just a quick encounter. I've never been with another man (or boy in my teenage years) so I'm not sure what it's like or if I want it...I know there is an attraction but never had a real relationship (apparently I'm not attractive enough in my city, oh well).

 

[deleted3782]

It's really cool to read all of these other posts... I should probably also mention that I went to private christian school up until high school... including a pretty crazy catholic school for high school. I'm sure that had a lot to do with it too!

It also sucks when I go out with friends and they're all trying to get with girls when I'm more attracted to guys and they have no clue. I feel like if I opened up a little bit and got a friend to goto a different type of bar (haha) that I might be able to find something a little more suited for me.

You are a cute guy, and will make some lucky guy very happy one day. :smile:

I'm not a young guy anymore, but I played one several years ago, and I completely understand all of the reasons for not broadcasting your sexual preference to everyone in your world. For some reasons that can be a good strategy.

But...for other reasons, it can be harmful too. Picture it, Boston. I was in grad school and I had was a couple of weeks into my first same-sex relationship. One evening I was having a night out with my school friends. We boarded the Green Line in Back Bay on our way downtown to Quincy Market, we were all self-absorbed in our own little world laughing and having a good time, when I noticed the guy I was seeing sitting alone on the other side of the subway car. He was on his way to have dinner with friends in the North End and looked over grinning at the irony that we would be on the same train and sincerely happy to see me. I froze. I was in the closet and I didn't want him to blow my cover, so I looked away and ignored him. I didn't know what else to do.

Later I learned that by the time he got to his friends house, he was crying because for the first time, I made him feel like he was a bad person for being gay. His friends, lesbians, wanted him to break up with me, but he had another friend who talked him out of it. I apologized profusely, the last thing I wanted to do was make him feel bad for being him...but that's exactly what I did. My negative feelings had rubbed off on him. My closet was hurting my ability to have a healthy relationship. I still cringe when I think of what I did.

Fast forward to other boyfriends, and the family gatherings, holidays and parties that you feel like you can't acknowledge your partner for fear of being outed as gay. Do you drag your partner along with you to Christmas? If so, how do you explain him? Or do you make it easier on yourself and tell your partner to just stay at home? And if so, how cool is it to leave your partner at home during the most important times of your life?

It tends to get very complicated very quickly. Yes its hard to "come out" to friends and family sometimes. On the other hand, are you doing whats best for yourself by keeping a barrier between you and future partners by not being honest about who you are?

So...I'm not going to tell anyone to "come out" if they aren't ready. Do that at your own pace. But please be aware that when you find that incredibly cute, smart, sexy, clever, sexy, cool, awesome guy that you have always been looking for, don't put yourself in the situation like I did in which you hurt him, or leave him alone at home on Christmas, or ignore him out in public. That's just tragic and will result in loneliness (and typing out your life experiences in threads on message boards ).

 

[GayFrog]

you will know what to do when the right time comes. your life - your responsibility.



Yes that may be so,
BUT
we all differ and with younger folk going thru Puberty Adolesence young adulthood, peer pressure and all other associateds, incl zits dare i say
its not really a matter of knowing when the time is right, i dont think.
30 year olds are often emotionally insecure and dont know where they are at, let alone where there sexuality is at.
My further thoughts anyway

I often wonder WHY? Govts are or dont appear to give out truthful statistics re Youth suicide, possibly because they dont / will never know ( too hard basket so ignore it)
I would HATE to think of the many youngsters M & F who do such a thing as suicide, because of sexuality issues
( and dont forget the many attempteds)
enz

Gay men are six times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight counterparts and the numbers increase exponentially during the holidays. A recent study showed that thirty-five percent of gay men and thirty-eight percent of lesbians have considered or attempted suicide. The statistics are even higher among gay teens. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth are up to four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers, according to the Massachusetts 2006 Youth Risk Survey. School yard bullying is the number cause of suicide among gay teens. Social network bullying came to the forefront with Tyler Clementi's suicide.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services estimated that "as many as 30% of completed youth suicides each year" are performed by gays and lesbians. Unfortunately, many information sources have quoted the 30% as if it is an absolute figure. The Department indicates that it is 30% or fewer. If we assume that the 30% figure is valid and that it is constant across the age range of 15 to 24 years, then approximately 1,488 suicides per year are committed by homosexual youth. If we assume that gays comprise 5% of the total number of youth, then the 1,488 suicides represent an excess of 1240 suicides related to their sexual orientation.

 

[aqua-illusion]

You are a cute guy, and will make some lucky guy very happy one day. :smile:

I'm not a young guy anymore, but I played one several years ago, and I completely understand all of the reasons for not broadcasting your sexual preference to everyone in your world. For some reasons that can be a good strategy.

But...for other reasons, it can be harmful too. Picture it, Boston. I was in grad school and I had was a couple of weeks into my first same-sex relationship. One evening I was having a night out with my school friends. We boarded the Green Line in Back Bay on our way downtown to Quincy Market, we were all self-absorbed in our own little world laughing and having a good time, when I noticed the guy I was seeing sitting alone on the other side of the subway car. He was on his way to have dinner with friends in the North End and looked over grinning at the irony that we would be on the same train and sincerely happy to see me. I froze. I was in the closet and I didn't want him to blow my cover, so I looked away and ignored him. I didn't know what else to do.

Later I learned that by the time he got to his friends house, he was crying because for the first time, I made him feel like he was a bad person for being gay. His friends, lesbians, wanted him to break up with me, but he had another friend who talked him out of it. I apologized profusely, the last thing I wanted to do was make him feel bad for being him...but that's exactly what I did. My negative feelings had rubbed off on him. My closet was hurting my ability to have a healthy relationship. I still cringe when I think of what I did.

Fast forward to other boyfriends, and the family gatherings, holidays and parties that you feel like you can't acknowledge your partner for fear of being outed as gay. Do you drag your partner along with you to Christmas? If so, how do you explain him? Or do you make it easier on yourself and tell your partner to just stay at home? And if so, how cool is it to leave your partner at home during the most important times of your life?

It tends to get very complicated very quickly. Yes its hard to "come out" to friends and family sometimes. On the other hand, are you doing whats best for yourself by keeping a barrier between you and future partners by not being honest about who you are?

So...I'm not going to tell anyone to "come out" if they aren't ready. Do that at your own pace. But please be aware that when you find that incredibly cute, smart, sexy, clever, sexy, cool, awesome guy that you have always been looking for, don't put yourself in the situation like I did in which you hurt him, or leave him alone at home on Christmas, or ignore him out in public. That's just tragic and will result in loneliness (and typing out your life experiences in threads on message boards ).

That's a very emotion packed story, I can understand the "need" to be discreet but like you said, you ended up hurting him and that's something I wouldn't want to do either if I actually liked the guy (and if he actually liked me back). I'm sure people will learn from your mistake as I can see in the words the impact of your actions it had on him.
Thanks for sharing.

 

[rbkwp]

Thanks so much for the info GayFrog
Nothing to say, except shake my head in sorrow
enz

 

[D_Crimea_River]

As I'm sure you can see, you're not alone. I'm bi, and I like to think maybe I'm more straight than gay (Mainly because I don't want a relationship with a guy, and the whole idea of anal sex grosses me out, but I do like to make out with guys, and jerk off/suck them, and I like gay porn) Only my best male friend knows, and he happens to be bi and in the closet too.

He's the only guy I've ever made out with, sucked, and exchanged handjobs with. I've only masturbated with one other guy, but we didn't touch eachother.

The reason why I won't come out is strictly fear of loosing my friends and family. Job wouldn't be an issue with me, but I've always had a real difficult time making friends, and have never really had anyone I felt like were my true friends until the last 5 years, and I don't want to loose them.

I've espically never had a best friend before, and kind of have a fear that even though he accepts the "closeted" me, I wonder how he would accept the "out" me. He has NEVER done anything to make me think he would stop speaking to me if this happened, but I think it's just in the back of my head that since I've never had friends before... it might happen again. My relationship with my father didn't help the matter...

Im into guys, and I have NEVER liked Anal Sex. Its just a fact of life. Some people like it, Some don't.

Don't you just HATE the way if your with another guy he automatically thinks you are into it? Then they leave you sitting looking like a fool because you didn't like Anal

This has happened to me.

 

[DavidXL]

I'm a very discrete, closeted young bi male and I was just wondering what other people's reasons are for wanting to stay in the closet? I don't see myself telling family or friends anytime soon but have my reasons...

I'm not young anymore (I'm in my 40s now), though I've had bi feelings ever since I can remember. I kept it to myself because I feared rejection from family, friends, potential lovers, employers, etc. I regret that now. I was open to having same sex relationships when I was younger, though I was never open about it to anyone, and not surprisingly, they never happened. While I ended up where I would have ended up (i.e., married to a woman), given that I have been mostly interested in women, I definitely have the sense of having missed out on opportunties to explore a side of me I have never fully explored. If I had to do it all over again, I would have been more open outwardly (and with myself).

. . .Parents are always talking about gay people and homosexuality like it is a disease. It hurts me . . . .

As a parent, I realize now that parents know more about who their kids are than kids think they do. (They spend hours and hours thinking about, wondering about, analyzing their kids). I think a lot of parents who trash talk gays in front of their kids probably think there is a chance their kid is gay and say those things out of fear that their kid is and/or with the intention of sending the message that being gay/bi is not OK and that if you are, you better stay in the closet.

. . . . But...for other reasons, it can be harmful too. Picture it, Boston. I was in grad school and I had was a couple of weeks into my first same-sex relationship. One evening I was having a night out with my school friends. We boarded the Green Line in Back Bay on our way downtown to Quincy Market, we were all self-absorbed in our own little world laughing and having a good time, when I noticed the guy I was seeing sitting alone on the other side of the subway car. He was on his way to have dinner with friends in the North End and looked over grinning at the irony that we would be on the same train and sincerely happy to see me. I froze. I was in the closet and I didn't want him to blow my cover, so I looked away and ignored him. I didn't know what else to do.

Later I learned that by the time he got to his friends house, he was crying because for the first time, I made him feel like he was a bad person for being gay. His friends, lesbians, wanted him to break up with me, but he had another friend who talked him out of it. I apologized profusely, the last thing I wanted to do was make him feel bad for being him...but that's exactly what I did. My negative feelings had rubbed off on him. My closet was hurting my ability to have a healthy relationship. I still cringe when I think of what I did. . . .

Wow, Exwhyzee - that story really jolted me, and I've come back to read it several times. What a potentially soul-crushing thing to have happened to your boyfriend (it would have been soul-crushing to me). And you seem like one of the nicest guys on LPSG, so I imagine it was a heartbreaking thing to happen to you (and a sad thing to remember). Thanks for sharing - it was pretty powerful to read, at least for me.

 

[Russ311]

I'm 30 and for the first time told a close friend that I am bi, what pisses me off is that he thinks because I fool around with dudes I am totally gay. He doesn't understand that I like being with a woman as much as I do a guy. I have not told my fam or other friends out of fear of what they would think. My one friend I told gave the reaction I was most afriad of, that I am totally gay. If more people understood what bi means it would be easier!

 

[motorcityboy]

I'm 30 and for the first time told a close friend that I am bi, what pisses me off is that he thinks because I fool around with dudes I am totally gay. He doesn't understand that I like being with a woman as much as I do a guy. I have not told my fam or other friends out of fear of what they would think. My one friend I told gave the reaction I was most afriad of, that I am totally gay. If more people understood what bi means it would be easier!

I agree with plumm , Today's Society puts unfair pressure on us bi men , but celebrate , Straight men and women either though songs media (tv, movies magazines, books, ect) and society worships bi women , Straight society accepts bi woman and encourage their wives/gf into their male fantasy , even though this is changing ... slowly .

I agree with bxmuscle and irgeggs
Not to knock gay communities , but sometimes the images in the media is not the most flattering , not to say this is any better in other communities
(African American, Latin, ect ) "straight" folks see this and believe that all bi or gay people are all like this . I'm my own person and nothing like the images that are on TV , ie rupaul's drag race ect, Why aren't there more positive, masculine images of bi or gay men in media, it's like an uphill battle , that's why I believe more bi don't come out as bi .

I am very selective on who knows I'm bi, when I was living in LA there was no problem , LA is very liberal and open , now I'm back in the midwest , I feel like I've taken a step back 20 years ! so I know how you feel , but with age it does gets better.

In a prefect world bi or gay people would be accepted ,like people with blond hair or people with blue eyes , or people of different races,
these are things people are just born with and people have accept it .

Sometimes I think the world would be a better place if bi or gay people had something that made the stand out so there would be no hiding it . Could you imagine all the bi orgay people out there ? People would all know and see and have to deal/accept that they know someone who is bi and gay and its no big deal they were born that way.

This way people would have to accept us , but we live in this world so each person has to deal with it . I guess we each have to present our own positive image of what a strong, masculine , bi male can be.

all the best !
Stay hard

 

[B_thickjohnny]

I don't understand all of this. I was bi for years until I finally admitted that I just preferred the company of men. I still look at women and sometimes think I can have sex with some but that's not what I don't understand.

People here comment about their "partner" - that they can't take them to family events, etc. That's not a partnership folks! That's a friendship with a twist. And you can bring a friend to Christmas! I mean, why not? Especially since you're probably bringing a girl to one get together and a guy to the next. No one will really know what the hell's going on although each time you bring a girlfriend they'll presume you'll eventually be tying the knot. And who said you can't bring both? I did that a few times. My GF and my best friend. No one ever knew I was sleeping with both. Only he knew about her and was fine with it because he was doing it too. Eventually we both came completely out - he came out before me and met someone and moved in. I struggled for a few more years until my GF broke up with me. That made it a lot easier to just see guys and make that decision. My aunt outted me in front of my mom and from then on I was more comfortable with things.

 

[TomCat84]

Don't you just HATE the way if your with another guy he automatically thinks you are into it? Then they leave you sitting looking like a fool because you didn't like Anal

This has happened to me.

Tell the dude upfront that youre not into anal sex. That solves the problem upfront- then the guy can decide if he's into you or not. I'm sorry, I fucking love anal sex and probably would not be able to date someone who wasnt into it. Be fair to the other guy.

 

[TomCat84]

I agree with plumm , Today's Society puts unfair pressure on us bi men , but celebrate , Straight men and women either though songs media (tv, movies magazines, books, ect) and society worships bi women , Straight society accepts bi woman and encourage their wives/gf into their male fantasy , even though this is changing ... slowly .

I agree with bxmuscle and irgeggs
Not to knock gay communities , but sometimes the images in the media is not the most flattering , not to say this is any better in other communities
(African American, Latin, ect ) "straight" folks see this and believe that all bi or gay people are all like this . I'm my own person and nothing like the images that are on TV , ie rupaul's drag race ect, Why aren't there more positive, masculine images of bi or gay men in media, it's like an uphill battle , that's why I believe more bi don't come out as bi .

I am very selective on who knows I'm bi, when I was living in LA there was no problem , LA is very liberal and open , now I'm back in the midwest , I feel like I've taken a step back 20 years ! so I know how you feel , but with age it does gets better.

In a prefect world bi or gay people would be accepted ,like people with blond hair or people with blue eyes , or people of different races,
these are things people are just born with and people have accept it .

Sometimes I think the world would be a better place if bi or gay people had something that made the stand out so there would be no hiding it . Could you imagine all the bi orgay people out there ? People would all know and see and have to deal/accept that they know someone who is bi and gay and its no big deal they were born that way.

This way people would have to accept us , but we live in this world so each person has to deal with it . I guess we each have to present our own positive image of what a strong, masculine , bi male can be.

all the best !
Stay hard

It was the nelly queens who started Stonewall- dont you EVER forget that, sir. There is ZERO wrong with drag queens. Instead of getting mad at the lack of "masculine" gay role models- get mad at society for assuming we're all that way.

 

[nzsomebody]

I'm bi, and no, I haven't told anyone. I see no need to tell anyone to be quite honest. What I do in the privacy of closed doors is really my own business. I don't tell anyone when I'm with a girl and I see no reason why it needs to be different with a girl. I think the pressure of "coming out" is BS, to be honest.

The way I see it is that as a species we can do amazing things like build massive buildings, computers and space crafts that can fly beyond the solar system...yet we have those that insist on putting such a heavy focus on a persons sexuality. Compared to those feats, it seems like a primitive action to put so much focus on something as mundane as sex. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but every animal does it.

On a simillar note, I see the idea of gay, lesbian or bi specific groups and media as just encouragement that these sexualities are different and require being treated differently. It seems ironic to me when people make these special groups and then go in the media and complain that they're being treated different. That's one reason why I like this site - it's only segregated into gay and straight categories when it actually matters, such as with the galleries and videos.

I wish the rest of humanity could get on with focusing on moving our species forward rather than getting hung up on trivial things such as what hole something is going in.

 

[D_NBv5cx3a]

19 and gay here. I'm not out to anyone. I think the hardest part for me is that I'm just starting college, and I don't want to go in with a stigma and a label already on my back. Another thing is how much I fear losing my friends. To be honest, I have a pretty open group of friends, but it still worries me. I think that people need to realize that just because you are attracted to other men doesn't mean you are flamboyant and enjoy cross dressing etc. As others have mentioned I'm not a big fan of the "gay scene". It's just not me. I hate how if I were to come out I would automatically grouped into that.