Young Closeted Guys

TomCat84

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I'm bi, and no, I haven't told anyone. I see no need to tell anyone to be quite honest. What I do in the privacy of closed doors is really my own business. I don't tell anyone when I'm with a girl and I see no reason why it needs to be different with a girl. I think the pressure of "coming out" is BS, to be honest.

The way I see it is that as a species we can do amazing things like build massive buildings, computers and space crafts that can fly beyond the solar system...yet we have those that insist on putting such a heavy focus on a persons sexuality. Compared to those feats, it seems like a primitive action to put so much focus on something as mundane as sex. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but every animal does it.

On a simillar note, I see the idea of gay, lesbian or bi specific groups and media as just encouragement that these sexualities are different and require being treated differently. It seems ironic to me when people make these special groups and then go in the media and complain that they're being treated different. That's one reason why I like this site - it's only segregated into gay and straight categories when it actually matters, such as with the galleries and videos.

I wish the rest of humanity could get on with focusing on moving our species forward rather than getting hung up on trivial things such as what hole something is going in.

"Coming out" is necessary if gays are ever going to get equal rights. I find it astonishing that you think the pressure to come out is BS. Don't you ever question the bigotry that forces you to be in the closet? Shouldn't you be saying THAT is bullshit?

I think that people need to realize that just because you are attracted to other men doesn't mean you are flamboyant and enjoy cross dressing etc. As others have mentioned I'm not a big fan of the "gay scene". It's just not me. I hate how if I were to come out I would automatically grouped into that.

This is stupid. I'm not attacking you for being in the closet- but this is a theme among a lot of people in the closet. Newsflash: there is no "gay scene." There is the bar scene, the twink scene, the circuit scene, the leather scene, the jock scene, the college scene, etc etc etc. My god, instead of worrying about what other people will think of you, start attacking their bigotry that forces you to stay in the closet.
 

nzsomebody

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"Coming out" is necessary if gays are ever going to get equal rights. I find it astonishing that you think the pressure to come out is BS. Don't you ever question the bigotry that forces you to be in the closet? Shouldn't you be saying THAT is bullshit?
How does "coming out" earn you equal rights? The way I see it, by telling people you're "different" you're encouraging them to treat you differently. It's not the suppose bigotry that keeps me from telling others, it's the fact that it's really none of their business lol.
 

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Think about how African-Americans finally earned their civil rights over 100 years after slavery was abolished. There is strength in unity, acceptance, and the unwillingness to back down. Of course, when you're in college or still living with family, coming out can be very hard. We need to accept ourselves first...and it's not just a matter of which hole we put our penises into...it's a sexual lifestyle / orientation that we were born with. If you lived in a more liberal area of the country, it would be easier. The best way to start to come out is to tell your closest friend, gain confidence, and then move onto another friend. Pretty soon, you'll realize that people will not reject you and it will come easier to come out to family as well.
 

TomCat84

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How does "coming out" earn you equal rights? The way I see it, by telling people you're "different" you're encouraging them to treat you differently. It's not the suppose bigotry that keeps me from telling others, it's the fact that it's really none of their business lol.

I'll spell it out for you, buddy. Multiple studies show that the more gay people a person knows, the more likely they are to support gay rights. By keeping your friends and loved ones in the dark, you are helping perpetuate a stereotype. When I came out to my family, my dad thought I was going to start prancing around in hot pants and mid riffs. But guess what? I didn't. I still went to baseball and football games with him. I still drank beers. You could help your friends and family overcome their preconceptions.
 
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TomCat84

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Think about how African-Americans finally earned their civil rights over 100 years after slavery was abolished. There is strength in unity, acceptance, and the unwillingness to back down. Of course, when you're in college or still living with family, coming out can be very hard. We need to accept ourselves first...and it's not just a matter of which hole we put our penises into...it's a sexual lifestyle / orientation that we were born with. If you lived in a more liberal area of the country, it would be easier. The best way to start to come out is to tell your closest friend, gain confidence, and then move onto another friend. Pretty soon, you'll realize that people will not reject you and it will come easier to come out to family as well.

This. I was a bit of an anachronism. I grew up in one of the most liberal areas in one of the more conservative counties in California, in a fairly socially conservative family. I came out when I was 17 and I wasn't kicked out.
 
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deleted140118

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I'm 30 and for the first time told a close friend that I am bi, what pisses me off is that he thinks because I fool around with dudes I am totally gay. He doesn't understand that I like being with a woman as much as I do a guy. I have not told my fam or other friends out of fear of what they would think. My one friend I told gave the reaction I was most afriad of, that I am totally gay. If more people understood what bi means it would be easier!

Wow!!! Im bi too and dont feel like my friends will understand that I still like women. Cant think of not getting pussy, but do like the connection with guys. Its tough man.
 

Fnord

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So...I'm not going to tell anyone to "come out" if they aren't ready. Do that at your own pace. But please be aware that when you find that incredibly cute, smart, sexy, clever, sexy, cool, awesome guy that you have always been looking for, don't put yourself in the situation like I did in which you hurt him, or leave him alone at home on Christmas, or ignore him out in public. That's just tragic and will result in loneliness (and typing out your life experiences in threads on message boards :rolleyes:).

First of all, before I address the issue the OP raised, I want to give Exwhyzee a *HUG* for being so open about his personal life experience. I found the description of your experience very moving and I can certainly relate to it. My own experience of realizing I was bisexual left me quite distraught and paralyzed as a teenager. I had no idea how to cope with it. I had a huge crush on a girl when I was 13 and she was my girlfriend for 1.5 years, but immediately after that I developed a crush on a guy in my class and I did not know what to do with those feelings. In my mind hundreds of scenarios would be played out with me being outed as gay (since I did not even know the concept of bi back then). The idea of being gay just didn't make sense with the fact that I also could fall in love with girls. So, as a result of being incapable of finding any proper solution for my feelings or even a proper definition for what kind of person I was, I made a decision: I shall not enter into a relationship with anyone. I clearly remember making that decision when I was around 16 years old. It was easier to simply cut myself off from romantic feelings. As a result, I was an extremely lonely teenager. Needless to say, this is NOT a healthy way to lead your life, but I managed to persist in it until I met my future wife when I was 21. By the time I fell in love with her, I had so far compartmentalized my 'other' self, that I simply regarded it as a side effect of teenage hormones. At that time I remember thinking: " I shall just make a choice - I love this woman and I shall ignore that other side to myself ". Well, let me tell you from experience that that may sound fine in theory, but it really doesn't work in practise. I shall not bore you with other details of my life, but suffice it to say that I only came out as bi last year at the age of 45. No one responded negatively, not even my parents. People at work were happy for me and reciprocated with an opennessI had not expected. In fact, it was my experience that on the whole I had made it to be much more of a thing than it really was. Coming out is different for everybody, but I think there is one thing we all have in common once you have done it: the huge sense of relief about finally being able to really be who you are. I sympathise with all you guys young or old still in the closet; I was there for so long. But I am so very happy that I no longer live there and I truly hope that you get to experience that too.
 

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I grew up in one of the most liberal areas in one of the more conservative counties in California, in a fairly socially conservative family. I came out when I was 17 and I wasn't kicked out.

Count yourself lucky. There are many different situations across the grand ol USA, and not everyone has the opportunity to spread their wings.
Many young people are beaten like I was. Many are shunned into silence because there is no support group in their area. The rest commit suicide or harm themselves in an attempt.

I appreciate your strong support for those who have fought in the name of equality, but please realize there are other parts of the country where that battle would quickly be lost.

I chose to come out only to family because of my profession, and less opportunity to be harassed.

I'm doing my part the best I can to change mentality - see my signature? I've started a web forum for guys that like to wrench on their cars. It's something small but proof positive that the bi/gay community is more diverse and common than most people think (At least in the midwest).
 
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B_Hung Jon

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I'm bi, and no, I haven't told anyone. I see no need to tell anyone to be quite honest. What I do in the privacy of closed doors is really my own business. I don't tell anyone when I'm with a girl and I see no reason why it needs to be different with a girl. I think the pressure of "coming out" is BS, to be honest.

The way I see it is that as a species we can do amazing things like build massive buildings, computers and space crafts that can fly beyond the solar system...yet we have those that insist on putting such a heavy focus on a persons sexuality. Compared to those feats, it seems like a primitive action to put so much focus on something as mundane as sex. Don't get me wrong, I love sex, but every animal does it.

On a simillar note, I see the idea of gay, lesbian or bi specific groups and media as just encouragement that these sexualities are different and require being treated differently. It seems ironic to me when people make these special groups and then go in the media and complain that they're being treated different. That's one reason why I like this site - it's only segregated into gay and straight categories when it actually matters, such as with the galleries and videos.

I wish the rest of humanity could get on with focusing on moving our species forward rather than getting hung up on trivial things such as what hole something is going in.


I don't feel that it's really about who you like to have sex with or, to use your words, "what hole something is going in". There are people in my life who I love very much. Some of those people are other guys. For me to deny my love for them would be extremely dishonest of me. I can't really live that way or with such a fundamental lie about what is most important to me. Although I realize that coming out is a very personal thing, I do feel it's important to express the truth about who we are. So again it's not just about who we have sex with. It's much more than that.
 

TomCat84

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Count yourself lucky. There are many different situations across the grand ol USA, and not everyone has the opportunity to spread their wings.
Many young people are beaten like I was. Many are shunned into silence because there is no support group in their area. The rest commit suicide or harm themselves in an attempt.

I appreciate your strong support for those who have fought in the name of equality, but please realize there are other parts of the country where that battle would quickly be lost.

I chose to come out only to family because of my profession, and less opportunity to be harassed.

I'm doing my part the best I can to change mentality - see my signature? I've started a web forum for guys that like to wrench on their cars. It's something small but proof positive that the bi/gay community is more diverse and common than most people think (At least in the midwest).

You are absolutely 100% correct, and that will NEVER change as long as people remain in the closet. Blaming the "political" gays for the bigotry of others is stupid and wrong.
 

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I have seen a great deal in my life and I came out as a process. My coming out was in stages and my feelings are that not everybody has the right to know what I do in the bedroom and from what position I do it. I maintain that feeling to this day and those who have a reason to know do, and those who I do not feel are either in need or able to handle it don't.

In business one of the things I learned was that how one handles situations often determines the outcome of those situations more than the actual subject matter.

I feel that in time we will have the right to marry and all the other rights granted our heterosexual counterparts, but, I also feel that we might have been farther along with this if we had used finesse and our strengths as a community.

The gay community is a great financial power in the United States. We are also a great voting power. The problem is that many of the younger members of our community do not participate in the process that selects our leadership and they in fact laugh at it. If you try and talk about Harvey Milk or Stonewall or the San Francisco Riots these individuals are too young to understand that many sacrifices have been made to get them this far, and regret-ably they do not care.

I have seen numerous teens kicked out for being gay and in fact at one time the streets of West Hollywood and particularly Selma Avenue and Santa Monica Blvd were at one time littered with them. The best judge of the danger on that one is the kid themselves.

Closet is fine if the closet is instead the planning room and is a place where the general plans his/her move into independence with intelligence and education.

There are some real slime balls out there as parents my friends and I would never ever tell any kid to come out into what that kid might already know to be a hostile environment.



 

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As an 18 yr old gay guy, I'm in the closet because of the conservative society I've been in for literally my whole life. Raised by my Catholic parents in the southernmost county in Alabama, I'm terrified of what my parents will think. My mom talks about homosexuality like it's the swine flu, and my dad thought it was hilarious that his employees made a fake fb profile about one employee, falsely proclaiming that said employee was gay. My catholic high school was great (seriously: 97% of the time I loved it) and I had many very close friends, but it was really painful to feel unable to be completely honest with them. I'm out to 3 of my friends and that's it- a girl I've been friends with for 3 years who doesn't care either way, and her then boyfriend, another close friend mine, who was the best when I told him. I kept trying to apologize for being gay or not telling him or something stupid like that, and he just kept saying "it's O.K., I don't care". That meant more to me than I could ever express to him.

The 3rd person took me the longest. He was my best friend for all of high school. We were literally inseparable. I was so afraid of what would happen if I told him, but I was tired of lying and figured since we are going to different colleges in the fall I had nothing to lose. Somehow he didn't seem surprised, and he said that we were still gonna be friends, no matter what. The thing I'm worried about, though, is that it seems kinda like he thinks he can "cure" me into heterosexuality with religion. And I know he wants to be there for me and make me a better person, but as much as I would like to be straight (things would be so much simpler) I know that it cannot happen, at least for me. So at this point I'm not sure how things are going to turn out.

Anyone else have to deal with someone who wanted to "cure" you?
 

Fatherofall

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I'm a very discrete, closeted young bi male and I was just wondering what other people's reasons are for wanting to stay in the closet? I don't see myself telling family or friends anytime soon but have my reasons...

-Conservative Family
-Job Discretion
-Just not comfortable enough with it

etc.

Would be cool to talk to some other young guys in the same situation as me.
Hey are you still in the closet?
 

ILoveGames48

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I am not going to sit here and judge why people choose to stay in the closet

I grew up never considered myself in the closet.. I had sex with other guys and didn’t hide it.. back then I learned as time went on.. that homosexuality was looked down upon really bad..


But we all have reasons why we think we need to stay hidden.. family and friends and so on..

But you can’t go through life using that as an excuse not to be free and open and happy..

No matter what you will have family members and friends that doesn’t like the fact you are gay.. or they stayed the nights with you and wonder if you tried anything with them while they were asleep..

As I said I never went through that .. I was kind of shocked a lot of my friends were fine with it.. a lot of my family was fine with it but also had family members that didn’t approve of my lifestyle..

So reguardless of whether you come out or not .. there’s going to be some that approve and some that don’t.


But sit back and think about your life.. how unhappy you are that you can’t express your love for another man because of ignorance ..


Your keep it hidden doesn’t make you happy it makes them happy ..

Some parents— especially moms— pretty much know .. a friend of mine and I hung out a lot and it was his mom that told him she knew he was gay and that he didn’t have to hide me from that fact


I dated a guy that was married for 15 years .. just to make his parents and family happy.. he decided that their happiness can’t be more important than his.. he got divorced and I was the first guy he’d been with so … I knew it was just sex as he wasn’t looking for ltr yet.. and when it came to sex it was like he hadn’t been penetrated at all..

So he had to get used to being gay again..


And I don’t go around waving a gay flag telling everyone I am gay and if don’t like it.. tough shit..

The person that really only needs to know you’re gay is the person you are with not the world.. .. well family too unless you can live ina place with bf and no one ever find out you’re together
 
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Nath33t

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I think I’m in the closet? In that I’m still really not sure what/who I like. I’ve just started accepting that I’m probably bi, leaning more to liking men, but something’s still holding me back from totally embracing it.

I’m in my early twenties and feel like I need to just go out and experiment and try different things but I don’t have the confidence just yet to put myself out there.