Your partner has kids..Let's talk about it

[Twistbarbie]

I'm starting this thread because I didn't want to hijack someone elses thread.

Anyone in a relationship where your partner has kids? How do you handle it? Have you chosen to never get involved with someone who has kids?
How do you deal with the ex?
etc, etc

I could go on forever with the questions!

Here's my situation. Newish relationship, distance relationship, he has kids with two ex's, works long hours. Gawd it's killing me:wink:
So the odds are stacked before we start!!:redface: However we've chatted and I did mention that I could see problems if this ever got really serious, foremost I'd always said I would never get involved with a guy with kids, too complicated, you're never the priority, and I don't know if I could handle 'sharing' a guy. But I also said I only have two choices with how things are going. Walk away before it gets serious and someone gets hurt OR be an adult and accept things as they are. So for now we are seeing how things go and we've agreed to be exclusive.


How do you guys and gals make it work?

 

[hud01]

If the ex's have the kids most of the time, I would not see it as a problem. If you care about him enough you can make it work.

I had one relationship in the past where she had a kid. she was barely 20 when she had him. Her son ended up living with her parents when we moved in together.

Most of the time there was no problem with the ex and this is considering I took her from him. One time he was drunk came over. We were in front of the house and tried to put his arm around her. I threw him off of her and he balled up his fists. I laughed, not feeling like having the cops called at 1AM since we were in public.

 

[finsuptx]

do YOU want kids? That is going to make a difference... because he may not want anymore, and if you do, that's going to cause some real friction later on. If you don't, and thing get serious, how are you going to handle being a 'parent' around his kids. Also, I'm leery about the fact that he has two kids from two different women... Shady.

 

[NotSoDumb_Blonde]

Well, if I were you I'd get to know him first, then after you've established if you two have a real relationship, then meet the kids, but as a friend of his. But, maybe you are already at this point? You mentioned exclusive? If so, then just take it slow. In every relationship there is sharing, whether with work, or family. Maybe don't worry about his children until you become more serious. If I were you though, I'd really try to hang back from his children until you know what you want. Kids, (and you didn't mention ages) get attached to adults. When adults split, it's tough on the kids. Not to put more pressure on you! It can work, and many times you both can hide the relationship from them especially if he doesn't live with them.

Bottom line. If he's a great guy, you think he's special and you want more, then go for it. Don't let his kids hold you back.

not sure if this is what you were looking for...sry!

 

[Twistbarbie]

do YOU want kids? That is going to make a difference... because he may not want anymore, and if you do, that's going to cause some real friction later on. If you don't, and thing get serious, how are you going to handle being a 'parent' around his kids. Also, I'm leery about the fact that he has two kids from two different women... Shady.

nope I dont want kids, nor does he want more. I've got no problem being round kids.


Y'know the more I write it down the worse it sounds!:biggrin1: God knows why I find that funny :frown1: I think hysteria has set in.

 

[Twistbarbie]

Well, if I were you I'd get to know him first, then after you've established if you two have a real relationship, then meet the kids, but as a friend of his. But, maybe you are already at this point? You mentioned exclusive? If so, then just take it slow. In every relationship there is sharing, whether with work, or family. Maybe don't worry about his children until you become more serious. If I were you though, I'd really try to hang back from his children until you know what you want. Kids, (and you didn't mention ages) get attached to adults. When adults split, it's tough on the kids. Not to put more pressure on you! It can work, and many times you both can hide the relationship from them especially if he doesn't live with them.

Bottom line. If he's a great guy, you think he's special and you want more, then go for it. Don't let his kids hold you back.

not sure if this is what you were looking for...sry!

heck say what you think, that's what I'm after.

I think it's more of the lack of 'couple' time that bothers me.

 

[NotSoDumb_Blonde]

Why lack of couple time? because of the kids, or because of work?

 

[Twistbarbie]

Why lack of couple time? because of the kids, or because of work?

I work regular hours but have commitments after work several times a week, he works long hours and often shifts late at night which also covers weekends, he travels to see the kids (2 sets) in the week. Also some distance is involved. Not a great set up.

 

[Countryguy63]

Sorry, you're probably not going to like my response...

If he is any type of a man, his kids should come first above all else. If they don't, I would question his integrity right away. If they do, which I hope, then it is going to take a lot of patience and understanding on your part.

Situations come up unexpectedly all of the time. You are going to have to support him in times that you may not even want to.

Can you do this? This is not an insult at all, but based on your statement "I don't want kids", you don't sound maternal and may not understand the bond between parents and children. It's going to be very difficult at times.

Now, on the other hand, if you think that there is a possibility of a strong future with this man, and he is a dedicated Father, it may very well be worth the work that it will take to build this relationship.

Good Luck

 

[Twistbarbie]

let me have it - I want to hear. You're right I'm not maternal, thing is I've never wanted kids (he knows this) People have been saying for years I'll change my mind but I haven't. It's not like I hate kids or something! I've even worked with kids.
He does love his kids and is committed to them, he hasn't fathered them and ran off. I've even told him it's a good quality in a man.

It is a lot to take on. It's not just gaining a man it's whole big extended family. I think anyone would be daunted by that wouldn't they?

 

[stlbigman]

Well Twistbarbie I think you said a lot about yourself and the kind of man you are seeking by your bio. You don't want to share your man with the kiddies. So, if that hasn't changed, why would want to start dong it now? Because you love a guy a lot? If so, not good enough to me. I've never had to share kids with a man but if I did, I MUST know that I have to share him with the children and be ready to be a potential stepparent immediately. If u are not ready to take to the demanding role of parent to his kids, you are doing his children, your boyfriend and you a huge disservice (note the order in which I stated the 3). Don't hurt the kids; they are the innocents. They deserve your 100% devotion--nothing less. Think about that ma'am before you and your man get serious.

 

[Countryguy63]

I would agree with 99% of stlbigman's post.... That 1% ?.... Leave the step parent for further down the road instead of immediately. That reminded me of something that I forgot in my 1st post. It would be very rare for the children to accept or think of you in that manner without building a relationship with them. And even then , it may not happen.

You may have to deal with resentment and distance from the children. It's natural and you cannot take that personal if not based on legitimate events. Too often, we forget to look at the world through a childs eye.

They may not understand why someone else is with their parent. We may be capable of dealing with different people coming in and out of our lives. Children tend to look at everything as permanent, and when that is disrupted, it affects them far more negatively.

Believe me, I am not trying to scare you or convince you either way. As a single Father that has dealt with, and still am dealing with children, I just want to present the facts as I see them so you can make the best decision after thinking about everything involved

 

[Twistbarbie]

Well Twistbarbie I think you said a lot about yourself and the kind of man you are seeking by your bio. You don't want to share your man with the kiddies. So, if that hasn't changed, why would want to start dong it now? Because you love a guy a lot? If so, not good enough to me. I've never had to share kids with a man but if I did, I MUST know that I have to share him with the children and be ready to be a potential stepparent immediately. If u are not ready to take to the demanding role of parent to his kids, you are doing his children, your boyfriend and you a huge disservice (note the order in which I stated the 3). Don't hurt the kids; they are the innocents. They deserve your 100% devotion--nothing less. Think about that ma'am before you and your man get serious.

because we can't help who we like.

things are still in the early stages. It could come crashing down in a week or turn in to something more. I liked him before he mentioned his kids. Yes it was a shock (this is where some of you will freak even further - he has 6), however I'm not a kid and not prepared to run off at the first hurdle. How shallow is it of a woman to say yeah I like you and I'd go out with you if it weren't for your kids.

the kids already have moms whom they live with. I'm not pushing in, nor do I want to. If and when it comes to meeting them, it's entirely on their/his terms.

 

[Twistbarbie]

I would agree with 99% of stlbigman's post.... That 1% ?.... Leave the step parent for further down the road instead of immediately. That reminded me of something that I forgot in my 1st post. It would be very rare for the children to accept or think of you in that manner without building a relationship with them. And even then , it may not happen.

You may have to deal with resentment and distance from the children. It's natural and you cannot take that personal if not based on legitimate events. Too often, we forget to look at the world through a childs eye.

They may not understand why someone else is with their parent. We may be capable of dealing with different people coming in and out of our lives. Children tend to look at everything as permanent, and when that is disrupted, it affects them far more negatively.

Believe me, I am not trying to scare you or convince you either way. As a single Father that has dealt with, and still am dealing with children, I just want to present the facts as I see them so you can make the best decision after thinking about everything involved

I understand this and appreciate everyones honesty.

I don't wish to dump this guy over what might happen. I think that's quite a hurtful thing to do....and please people don't jump on me saying...what about hurting the kids? That is not what I'm implying at all.

 

[Countryguy63]

Well, it sounds like you want to make this work, which is good. :smile:

Be very patient with him when it comes to the kids.

As far as freaking because of the number of children? Not going to freak, but in todays world, it would just depend on the circumstances.

I grew up wanting lot's of children, but it didn't happen, lol

 

[Countryguy63]

I understand this and appreciate everyones honesty.

I don't wish to dump this guy over what might happen. I think that's quite a hurtful thing to do....and please people don't jump on me saying...what about hurting the kids? That is not what I'm implying at all.

Ok Twist,
This is the 2nd time you've requested others not to "jump on you". The people here that really care and will give you the best advice are not going to be verbally abusive. We may be honest and say things that
make you dig deep within yourself, but don't worry so much about what others may find fault with.

IF you are thinking of a serious future with this guy, you should be asking and thinking about all of this. It is not only you 2 that are affected here

 

[iluvbigheads]

Alright, I'm a guy, perhaps confused because I sleep with men and want to have kids one day with a good woman...Now, I grew up with a German guy, some 7 years older then myself and we carry on a sexual and intimate relationship with eachother. Throughout the course of 8 years, he tried and failed at dating 4 woman, each eventually left him or vice versa. But I was always the one he came crying to and I would fuck him to...but one girl he was involved with had kids, apparently the woman was seeking some sorta father figure for the kids. He told me about this, asking for advice and I told him, do what you think is right, but you'll never be the father of those children and no matter what, the real father will be around and perhaps he should consider a woman who has no kids so he can start his own family.

Now, the problem for him is quite emotional now, he is getting older and he cried to me about his biological clock ticking and that time is running out. Of course I can understand, but I am also much younger and attract men/women "faster" perhaps then he does. So the issue with kids here I think has to do with what your willing to accept and that is, you are not the mother, you might be filling in as mom, but your not mom...if that makes sense.

 

[Incocknito]

Well my view is much like the view of wild lions. A dominant lion will kill the pups of other males so that only his bloodline is continued.

Now, I'm not a baby killer but I myself would never have kids or any meaningful relationship with a woman who has children (that aren't mine).

However, there are some very attractive women with kids. I'd like one night alone with them but I know that long term nothing meaningful could ever happen.

If someone has qualities or traits or "circumstances" that you don't like then you should move on to the next suitor. There are many men with children by other women.

But have you ever found the guy without kids, who wants kids with you and has all the other qualities you want in a man? No? Then keep looking.

 

[thadjock]

Walk away before it gets serious and someone gets hurt OR be an adult and accept things as they are. So for now we are seeing how things go and we've agreed to be exclusive.

you're smart, you just need to listen to yourself more.

you answered your own question. walk away.

you're not that into this guy or you wouldn't have so many doubts or be making lists of reasons why it won't work. the kids are a very small part of the disaster equation for this relationship, distance & sharing him are your real enemies, are you willing to move? and if he has kids he'll resent you if you come across as competing for his time against his kids.

for me personally: if i was madly in love with someone it wouldn't matter if they had kids ( my current mate does not however), and if the kids were his priority, they'd be my priority too, I don't need all the attention to feel fulfilled in a relationship, and I'm confident & self assured enough to know i could "deal with the ex" so bring it on.

 

[Countryguy63]

for me personally: if i was madly in love with someone it wouldn't matter if they had kids ( my current mate does not however), and if the kids were his priority, they'd be my priority too, I don't need all the attention to feel fulfilled in a relationship, and I'm confident & self assured enough to know i could "deal with the ex" so bring it on.

Twisted, the rest of thad's post is very good also, but the above says it all!!

If you cannot truly say the same thing (and only you know honestly), then in good concience, you need to walk away.

thadjock, anyone who is lucky enough to be your partner, needs to e very thankful!!