Your partner has kids..Let's talk about it

[Twistbarbie]

you're smart, you just need to listen to yourself more.

you answered your own question. walk away.

you're not that into this guy or you wouldn't have so many doubts or be making lists of reasons why it won't work. the kids are a very small part of the disaster equation for this relationship, distance & sharing him are your real enemies, are you willing to move? and if he has kids he'll resent you if you come across as competing for his time against his kids.

for me personally: if i was madly in love with someone it wouldn't matter if they had kids ( my current mate does not however), and if the kids were his priority, they'd be my priority too, I don't need all the attention to feel fulfilled in a relationship, and I'm confident & self assured enough to know i could "deal with the ex" so bring it on.

no, no, no I think people misunderstood. What I mean is when I stand back and look at this from a purely cold and practical point of view, there are many hurdles. What I'm saying is I see them and acknowlege them. I'm not blindly stumbling down a relationship alley unwares.

Actually, if it looks like it would work then I would move I have no particular ties to where I am now.

 

[Twistbarbie]

Ok Twist,
This is the 2nd time you've requested others not to "jump on you". The people here that really care and will give you the best advice are not going to be verbally abusive. We may be honest and say things that
make you dig deep within yourself, but don't worry so much about what others may find fault with.

IF you are thinking of a serious future with this guy, you should be asking and thinking about all of this. It is not only you 2 that are affected here

It's not so much that it's the fact I wrote not telling the guy he's dumped because he has kids - which I consider hurtful and then to have a ton of people here jump up and say well yeah what about hurting the kids!!!!

Does that make a little more sense?

I'm quite aware my family would think I'm stupid.

 

[Twistbarbie]

Well my view is much like the view of wild lions. A dominant lion will kill the pups of other males so that only his bloodline is continued.

Now, I'm not a baby killer but I myself would never have kids or any meaningful relationship with a woman who has children (that aren't mine).

However, there are some very attractive women with kids. I'd like one night alone with them but I know that long term nothing meaningful could ever happen.

If someone has qualities or traits or "circumstances" that you don't like then you should move on to the next suitor. There are many men with children by other women.

But have you ever found the guy without kids, who wants kids with you and has all the other qualities you want in a man? No? Then keep looking.

see that's how I used to think but circumstances do change and people can and do challenge our perceptions, I consider it growth.

 

[thadjock]

no, no, no I think people misunderstood. .

well I'm only going on what your post stated, and I'm no dr drew, but when you use phrases like "....be an adult and...accept things the way they are"

sounds to me as if you'd feel you would be settling for something less than optimal,

and that's not a good foundation for a relationship.

you're definitely right not to go into this lightly, especially because the kids have already gone through alot, and you don't want your arrival & possible departure to become another item on their plate if you're not firmly committed and honestly want the whole package this man comes with. a single workaholic dad is ulikely going to have time to be the romantic dinner for two type every nite of the week.

 

[Twistbarbie]

well I'm only going on what your post stated, and I'm no dr drew, but when you use phrases like "....be an adult and...accept things the way they are"

sounds to me as if you'd feel you would be settling for something less than optimal,

and that's not a good foundation for a relationship.

you're definitely right not to go into this lightly, especially because the kids have already gone through alot, and you don't want your arrival & possible departure to become another item on their plate if you're not firmly committed and honestly want the whole package this man comes with. a single workaholic dad is ulikely going to have time to be the romantic dinner for two type every nite of the week.

of course I'd have to accept things the way they are - I don't see how that is a negative? There are only two options, walk or accept.
I've known plenty of women get with men with kids and be utter bitches, this is why I say be an adult about things. I'm not going to start crying and laying down demands. I've got no right to. Hence my use of accept and adult. I didn't think it would be confusing :smile:

If I were painting an ideal man in an ideal world it might look like something like Johnny Depp wearing eyeliner but that would be unrealistic of me :wink:

 

[dolfette]

i'm the ex with the kids.

and i really like his new wife! the kids adore her and it's great to know that if anything happened to me then they'd have someone to mother them.
they've been thinking about trying for a baby...obviously it'll be sad that all the siblings won't get to live together, but they'd still see plenty of each other i'm sure.
it can work out just fine!

my advice?
go slow. meet the kids only once you're sure you're into him.

 

[dolfette]

oh, and asking questions is good.
nobody can ever be certain things will work out...those who say they are are just deluding themselves. relationships can go wrong with or without kids.

it's a lot to adjust to. you've got all these new issues to wrap your head around and this is still early days.

and, boys, remember that women talk about EVERYTHING! men often misinterpret this as doubt or a desire for a fix.

 

[helgaleena]

I have kids, they have kids. We are at an age when the kids are beginning to move on anyway, but one of my men has more than one set of kids with different ladies, ages from 30 to under 12. He comes to me just to avoid sleeping alone, not to make more kids. Another has a bunch of teens and rightly devotes large amounts of time to parenting and role modeling for them. My own include a child who has problems that will never be outgrown, so i am going to be a permanent parental parent.

Those of us who are not married but have kids do our best. I am relieved that the partners I am involved with do not expect me to blend families or act parental to theirs. I have not as much mothering in me as some. I would never dream of adopting for example.

And someone would have to be very persuasive to move in permanently with me as well as my kids. I would hold them off like a tigress if I had to, outside the bedroom. They will always come first. Non-parents sometimes cannot grasp that fact about parents.

 

[Twistbarbie]

oh, and asking questions is good.
nobody can ever be certain things will work out...those who say they are are just deluding themselves. relationships can go wrong with or without kids.

it's a lot to adjust to. you've got all these new issues to wrap your head around and this is still early days.

and, boys, remember that women talk about EVERYTHING! men often
misinterpret this as doubt or a desire for a fix.

indeed it's a lot to take in but I'm willing to try.
And yes it is a talking thing. Hey I like humanist therapies! The talking shit out can be just that letting things run out your head not directly looking for a direct solution to a direct question. It's served me well in the past.

 

[Twistbarbie]

i'm the ex with the kids.

and i really like his new wife! the kids adore her and it's great to know that if anything happened to me then they'd have someone to mother them.
they've been thinking about trying for a baby...obviously it'll be sad that all the siblings won't get to live together, but they'd still see plenty of each other i'm sure.
it can work out just fine!

my advice?
go slow. meet the kids only once you're sure you're into him.

totally, not till we're both sure where this is going. :wink:

 

[Lex]

My Hubby and I both have kids from previous marriages (5 total). We deal with it by talking about all our feelings and thoughts and being honest with each other at all times.

I had many men stop dating me or become uninterested because I have kids. Their loss, I say. Everyone shares their mate with someone else and in some ways--be it with kids, siblings or parents. If you have a partner without kids, you simply have to be prepared to share him/her to an extent with whatever other family members carve out some of his/her time.