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Okay, I fear I'm really going to get blasted here, but I hope not. Truth is, I really need the perspective or I wouldn't be willing to risk the blasting... And please be patient with me - I know this is long but I'm trying to include as much as I feel I need to to be honest, but abbreviated.
I met a man a little over a year ago via a dating site. Our arrangement was to have been a casual one - by mutual agreement - as he was in the process of seperating from his wife of 19 years and I am seperated now 4 years. But a genuine friendship developed over the course of months, and the friendship led gradually to deepening feelings. As we realized the evolution and our own different levels of commitment to others, we distanced ourselves (again, mutually...though not happily) from the physical aspect of the relationship and limited our contact as friends (distance bringing perspective and all...).
We hadn't really spoken about anything outside of "just checkin' on ya"-type stuff in 3 or 4 months, when out of the blue, he calls me in October to tell me that he's in love with me, doesn't want to be without me, wants to MARRY me in time...and has been miserable trying to pretend anything else. My first questions were, of course, "Are you getting a divorce?" and "Are you sure that's what you want?" (not meaning me, but to leave the life he's had for his entire adult life). Yes, yes; he was putting aside money and planned to move closer to me, to see if there was the potential for this relationship that we both thought might be there. His wife had asked him not who he was "fucking", but who he was in love with (as she apparently wielded a knife in his face...) and this was, apparently, the first he really realized just where he was and what he wanted. I never encouraged this OR tried to sway him to do ANYTHING but make himself happy...WHATEVER that meant.
Short of a getaway weekend, (in retrospect, we probably should have waited that out, but we were both anxious to reconnect), we determined to maintain the friendship until things were completely settled. The only expectation I ever required was honesty...ever...REALLY; and if happiness for him meant us just being friends I was content to abide that as long as there was no confusion.
He sold his hunting cabin mid-December and ferreted the money off for his future, but doing it it really shook him up (memories with his kids, I get it; and I would NEVER have asked him to do it - in fact I discouraged it). I sensed a shift in dynamics after that, so I tried to talk to him about it - I tried be a friend and not a potential girlfriend or whatever. He assured me over and over that he was "battling his demons" and felt he was, at the moment, losing the battle. I backed off, assured him everything would be okay but that he had to be strong in whatever he decided, and that if he needed me I was here, but asked him, again, for nothing but honesty - even if it was brutal. He assured he was still "right here with" me, that nothing had changed in that respect.
Then at midnight the day after Christmas, I get a phone call...from his wife. Well, several phone calls. I didn't know what to say to her, and quite honestly, she made a few threats and I'm not one to back away from a challenge; so I didn't speak to her that night.
I called him the next morning to figure out what was going on. He said, "It's all out. Everything is out there and I have to see if I can make this work one last time, so this has to be over for now. I meant everything I've said when I said it, but I have to see just one last time if I can make this work."
So what should be my takeaway here? I get it. And I even respect it - really, I do. I haven't contacted him since, and I won't. But what's with the abrupt about face? And how should handle it when he contacts me again...because I expect he will. Thanks ahead for anything you might have.
I met a man a little over a year ago via a dating site. Our arrangement was to have been a casual one - by mutual agreement - as he was in the process of seperating from his wife of 19 years and I am seperated now 4 years. But a genuine friendship developed over the course of months, and the friendship led gradually to deepening feelings. As we realized the evolution and our own different levels of commitment to others, we distanced ourselves (again, mutually...though not happily) from the physical aspect of the relationship and limited our contact as friends (distance bringing perspective and all...).
We hadn't really spoken about anything outside of "just checkin' on ya"-type stuff in 3 or 4 months, when out of the blue, he calls me in October to tell me that he's in love with me, doesn't want to be without me, wants to MARRY me in time...and has been miserable trying to pretend anything else. My first questions were, of course, "Are you getting a divorce?" and "Are you sure that's what you want?" (not meaning me, but to leave the life he's had for his entire adult life). Yes, yes; he was putting aside money and planned to move closer to me, to see if there was the potential for this relationship that we both thought might be there. His wife had asked him not who he was "fucking", but who he was in love with (as she apparently wielded a knife in his face...) and this was, apparently, the first he really realized just where he was and what he wanted. I never encouraged this OR tried to sway him to do ANYTHING but make himself happy...WHATEVER that meant.
Short of a getaway weekend, (in retrospect, we probably should have waited that out, but we were both anxious to reconnect), we determined to maintain the friendship until things were completely settled. The only expectation I ever required was honesty...ever...REALLY; and if happiness for him meant us just being friends I was content to abide that as long as there was no confusion.
He sold his hunting cabin mid-December and ferreted the money off for his future, but doing it it really shook him up (memories with his kids, I get it; and I would NEVER have asked him to do it - in fact I discouraged it). I sensed a shift in dynamics after that, so I tried to talk to him about it - I tried be a friend and not a potential girlfriend or whatever. He assured me over and over that he was "battling his demons" and felt he was, at the moment, losing the battle. I backed off, assured him everything would be okay but that he had to be strong in whatever he decided, and that if he needed me I was here, but asked him, again, for nothing but honesty - even if it was brutal. He assured he was still "right here with" me, that nothing had changed in that respect.
Then at midnight the day after Christmas, I get a phone call...from his wife. Well, several phone calls. I didn't know what to say to her, and quite honestly, she made a few threats and I'm not one to back away from a challenge; so I didn't speak to her that night.
I called him the next morning to figure out what was going on. He said, "It's all out. Everything is out there and I have to see if I can make this work one last time, so this has to be over for now. I meant everything I've said when I said it, but I have to see just one last time if I can make this work."
So what should be my takeaway here? I get it. And I even respect it - really, I do. I haven't contacted him since, and I won't. But what's with the abrupt about face? And how should handle it when he contacts me again...because I expect he will. Thanks ahead for anything you might have.