You're all probably gonna think I'm terrible. I swear I'm not...

RubyRed11

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Okay, I fear I'm really going to get blasted here, but I hope not. Truth is, I really need the perspective or I wouldn't be willing to risk the blasting... And please be patient with me - I know this is long but I'm trying to include as much as I feel I need to to be honest, but abbreviated.

I met a man a little over a year ago via a dating site. Our arrangement was to have been a casual one - by mutual agreement - as he was in the process of seperating from his wife of 19 years and I am seperated now 4 years. But a genuine friendship developed over the course of months, and the friendship led gradually to deepening feelings. As we realized the evolution and our own different levels of commitment to others, we distanced ourselves (again, mutually...though not happily) from the physical aspect of the relationship and limited our contact as friends (distance bringing perspective and all...).

We hadn't really spoken about anything outside of "just checkin' on ya"-type stuff in 3 or 4 months, when out of the blue, he calls me in October to tell me that he's in love with me, doesn't want to be without me, wants to MARRY me in time...and has been miserable trying to pretend anything else. My first questions were, of course, "Are you getting a divorce?" and "Are you sure that's what you want?" (not meaning me, but to leave the life he's had for his entire adult life). Yes, yes; he was putting aside money and planned to move closer to me, to see if there was the potential for this relationship that we both thought might be there. His wife had asked him not who he was "fucking", but who he was in love with (as she apparently wielded a knife in his face...) and this was, apparently, the first he really realized just where he was and what he wanted. I never encouraged this OR tried to sway him to do ANYTHING but make himself happy...WHATEVER that meant.

Short of a getaway weekend, (in retrospect, we probably should have waited that out, but we were both anxious to reconnect), we determined to maintain the friendship until things were completely settled. The only expectation I ever required was honesty...ever...REALLY; and if happiness for him meant us just being friends I was content to abide that as long as there was no confusion.

He sold his hunting cabin mid-December and ferreted the money off for his future, but doing it it really shook him up (memories with his kids, I get it; and I would NEVER have asked him to do it - in fact I discouraged it). I sensed a shift in dynamics after that, so I tried to talk to him about it - I tried be a friend and not a potential girlfriend or whatever. He assured me over and over that he was "battling his demons" and felt he was, at the moment, losing the battle. I backed off, assured him everything would be okay but that he had to be strong in whatever he decided, and that if he needed me I was here, but asked him, again, for nothing but honesty - even if it was brutal. He assured he was still "right here with" me, that nothing had changed in that respect.

Then at midnight the day after Christmas, I get a phone call...from his wife. Well, several phone calls. I didn't know what to say to her, and quite honestly, she made a few threats and I'm not one to back away from a challenge; so I didn't speak to her that night.

I called him the next morning to figure out what was going on. He said, "It's all out. Everything is out there and I have to see if I can make this work one last time, so this has to be over for now. I meant everything I've said when I said it, but I have to see just one last time if I can make this work."

So what should be my takeaway here? I get it. And I even respect it - really, I do. I haven't contacted him since, and I won't. But what's with the abrupt about face? And how should handle it when he contacts me again...because I expect he will. Thanks ahead for anything you might have.
 

Thickguy007

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That sounds like a tough situation...
I think he's abruptly changing, because to do otherwise would probably keep him on the fence. I think you need to just move on, as hard as that can be...you need to look out for you.
If he comes back and you have already gone down the road with someone else or you are content in whatever place you are in...then that is his loss.
 

hsarge

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You are not number 1 in his life. Can you live with that? He is definitely impulsive and emotional. Can you live with that? His ex will always have a strong influence, and may use the kids as a pry bar in his emotions. Can you live with that? He will be back because nothing has change except he got cold feet about divorce. Can you live with that? He is indecisive, talks before he thinks things through and was unfaithful with one wife which may be a trend. Can you live with that? Don't put your live in limbo while some one wants to extract the best from two worlds. Find someone else to live with.
 

RubyRed11

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You are not number 1 in his life. Can you live with that? He is definitely impulsive and emotional. Can you live with that? His ex will always have a strong influence, and may use the kids as a pry bar in his emotions. Can you live with that? He will be back because nothing has change except he got cold feet about divorce. Can you live with that? He is indecisive, talks before he thinks things through and was unfaithful with one wife which may be a trend. Can you live with that? Don't put your live in limbo while some one wants to extract the best from two worlds. Find someone else to live with.

Damn brutal. But I know you're right.
 

massageguy39

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You are not number 1 in his life. Can you live with that? He is definitely impulsive and emotional. Can you live with that? His ex will always have a strong influence, and may use the kids as a pry bar in his emotions. Can you live with that? He will be back because nothing has change except he got cold feet about divorce. Can you live with that? He is indecisive, talks before he thinks things through and was unfaithful with one wife which may be a trend. Can you live with that? Don't put your live in limbo while some one wants to extract the best from two worlds. Find someone else to live with.

Yeap, what HE^ said. He needs to get his shit together and divorce the wife and get that over and done with. I've seen men and women play this game for years on end about "saving the money for divorce" until the time is right blah blah blah.

Look, if a real man loves you then he will do what it takes not involve you in all his drama. I know it's hard if you have feelings for him but make him prove it to you if he wants you. If he REALLY wants you then he will do what he should do to have you.
 

hsarge

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Didn't wish to be brutal. But if you clear away his emotional whining, you are down to just what I said. He will tug at your heart strings in the future. Your question, that only you can answer 'Am I being played for a fool'. You know him better than I. Maybe! If you wish to maintain a casual relationship, without a commitment, that's fine. If him staying married but being your lover is okay with you, that's fine. It is all about what you want, not what he wants from you.
 

RubyRed11

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Didn't wish to be brutal. But if you clear away his emotional whining, you are down to just what I said. He will tug at your heart strings in the future. Your question, that only you can answer 'Am I being played for a fool'. You know him better than I. Maybe! If you wish to maintain a casual relationship, without a commitment, that's fine. If him staying married but being your lover is okay with you, that's fine. It is all about what you want, not what he wants from you.

No, I really appreciate it. Sorta makes things crystal clear. Massageguy, you reinforced exactly what I've been thinking: LEAVE ME OUT OF IT! I won't accept even a friendship from him until and unless he's divorced...and that's IF I'm still interested in even that.
 

hsarge

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Just one more thing. Don't let anything about this experience make you think less of your 'self'. You have all the qualities to attract a man and hold that attraction. He is the problem because he is at a place where he can't decide or he is just indecisive a lot. Be positive; don't doubt yourself.
 

Matt_x

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Pretty deep stuff...I really hope you the best. Whether you choose to still contact the guy it will only be a constant reminder of how much effort you put into the relationship.There is someone else planned in your future.
I reaaally needed to hear that... Thank you.

And on that note: Welcome to the site...
 

gma26_4521

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Absolutely stay away and move on with your life. They have continuing unresolved conflict and a dysfunctional relationship that will drag you in. I understand your position, it is hard to make sense of it because of your personal feelings but stay away and don't return any calls or speak to either of them. Their turmoil will put you in the center, which may be unconsciously what he wants-protects him from his ex. That may be his MO as she may be very controlling. BE WARE!
 

soupcan

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The downside: You've invested time and energy into this and it's natural to want a return on the investment.

The upside: there's hundreds of thousands of people out there. Know what you want out of a relationship and know what you expect out of the other half of that relationship. Then find a guy who fits the bill. Unless, of course, you're addicted to drama.
 

KTF40

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What did the wife say?

What were her threats about? Why would she be mad at you?

I thought the guy and the wife were separating. Sounds like he is lying. In which case, I wouldn't deal with him till he is actually divorced.
 

ShannonH

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Happens every day. Men cheat on their wives, realize they don't want to leave them, and feel like they have to confess everything if they're going to move on with their lives with their wife. If he just told you it was over but never disclosed to his wife, then you might have a shot. Since he did, he made a huge risk in telling her which shows his commitment.
 

RubyRed11

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His son graduates HS in June, his daughter in 2015. And possibly yes, I don't know - if he was lying before, what's to make me believe him now? I'm making my peace with the whole situation and moving on, whatever the reasoning. He's not worth the pain he's caused me - or apparently (and worse!) her.
 
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Yup, best choice.
 
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