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  1. Ive lost.

    I've lost my love. I've lost my faith. In myself - in my relations.
    I've lost my car. I've lost my job.

    But I am free.

    What would be the next move of me?

    I dont know.

    I'm slipping away like the warm breath on my hands in winter.

    Nothing more just cold. Freezing.

    But free.
    Massey56 and giantdoseofbs like this.
  2. Its been a long time I havent used this function on the site. Tough I like to write things down...
    Nothing much changed by the years - except Ive gained back some of my weight what Ive lost due to healthy living. Im getting older - my body is changing. And as a metafore -my relationship is changing too.

    Last month my partner told me - he wants something else. He started to date with a guy next to his city. Much closer than I live. He said - Im loving him too much. He need some air. Im choking him.
    Well tears brought in my eyes - he wants someone else. I felt awful - and Im still feel undesireable. But after 2 weeks of moderate partner send me a message. He wanted to meet me.

    Turned out that the new guy who lives near to him is a jerk. He missed me - even in bed. That is very kind.
    So Im in the relationship again - but Ive lost my faith in myself. I feel Im falling apart. Ive started to notice that Im controlling every action of mine. Thats not good in either way.

    So - Im falling apart in some way.

    I feel uncomfortable now.

    Hope it will vanish.

    Spring is coming.
    giantdoseofbs likes this.
  3. So ...another year has passed. What Ive become in this year? Am I developed? Got wiser? Dont know the answers. All I could say that Im calmed now. Im not that tail-wagging puppy any more. My naivete has not changed tough ...

    I would like to hug the world for a minute and embrace every creature in it. To feel my love- and feel theirs too.

    Wish you a happy day to you all!

    Tanita Tikaram: Poor cow

    Today is my birthday
    I stay outside the hall
    Inside sit the butterflies
    For the butterfly ball

    All the boys are graded now
    They come in their white socks, flat tops
    And somehow they find a place
    All the boys are winning now
    They play all the tricks with smiles
    And a sorry past
    For poor cow

    Their own room
    And winter tales
    Never touched these girls before
    They hear the car stereo
    And know what life is for

    All the boys are weary now
    listening to the family sing song
    Family say so

    Must carve, must carve poor cow
    Slice her, slice her up, poor cow
    Slice her, slice her up, poor cow
    Slice her, slice her up, poor cow

    Today is my birthday
    I stay outside the hall
    Inside sit the butterflies
    For the butterfly ball
    evolution likes this.
  4. What does the word "desire" mean to you?

    I can explain my kind of desires:

    - the tuch of the warm skin's feeling.
    - the scent of that skin.
    - the feeling of the muscles under the skin.
    - the feeling of the hair on the body - tickling my fingers
    - the feeling of the hard nipples

    - to kiss the lips


    - to hold in my arms (cuddle)

    And of course be loved and love somebody ...thats the main desire
    evolution likes this.
  5. As I remember I was worrying about almost everything in my life. Worried about myself , worried about the people around me. Worried about my status, my body image my partner ....all my life is a big worrying.
    Is it ok? I mean is a kind of waste of quality lifetime.
    Well I think I cant quit worrying. Its in my habit.

    This question came to mind yesterday. Makes you think...

    Ive started stretching my foreskin 3 weeks ago. I ve had enough of my tight foreskin and my doc suggested circumcision - what Im trying to avoid. I dont wanna lose my foreskin. Just wanna loose it.
    So Ive started the stretching process - 4 times a day for a minute while using shea buttered lotion on it.
    I dont want to be seen as an inpatient person but I havent seen any result yet. Ive started to worry about it. Maybe I dont doing it right - with a right method?

    - o -​

    A week ago Ive met my BF. We've spent a marvelous day together. Just quote him: "We had a kama sutra day". WE made love. It was so wonderful. I havent had this experience a long time.
    But at the end of the day - I had to drive home ( he lives 200 km from me - approx. 124 miles). When we had our goodbye kiss he said: he bought a dildo - just to have fun when I cant be with him. Its almost my sized (6.5 inch lenght)
    Came to my mind: So he needs me that badly. Sould I have to worry that I left him alone? What if he had enough of the lonely day and try to seek for someone nearer? Sould I worry about this?
    Ive started to worry about him - and our relationship. Maybe Im a bad person cause he deserves more? He deserves better?

    - o -
    My mother was diagnosed with cancer in 2014. She had a surgery right after the diagnose and since then Im taking her on a chemo therapy every second week for 3 days.
    She said last week - she had enough. She is tired. She said: "I'm just a millstone around your neck. I do not want to live that way."
    Ive started to worry about her. (Ive already worried about her illness but worrying more now)
    Hope she wont do anything stupid. But what could I say to her? I told her how much I love her, Im worrying that she doesnt feel how much I love her.

    - o -
    I will be 44 in this year. And I still do not have any friends. Not a single one. Ive started to worry about it.
    Why am I so repulsive? I blaming myself about this. Its hard to gain friends after 40.
    I think its not worth to worry but I cant do anything about it. Its in my nature.

    Sorry about the wall of text.
    Hope you will have a nice weekend all!
  6. I am prone to weight gain. I struggle with it every day to keep my weight, but no matter how lose weight in my fatpad it is very thick. there is one inches of fat or more.
    It looks awful on me. Like a marshmellow in camping time - puncured by a stick. It makes my average manhood looks smaller.
    I think my body image in my mind is not good. I need to change that somehow. Ive tried so many things. But I cant use the gym frequently because of health issues.
    What should I do? I eat clean and healthy. I run as much as I could.

    And I feel Im undesireable - ugly.
    hammer75 likes this.
  7. Last week I was visited my BF. It was great cause I havent seen him for a while. Was good to feel him, smell his scent. Hold him in my arms.
    I have strong feelings for him. He lives a bit far from my place. I would like to spend much more time together with him but right now I cant. Only 1 or 2 days in every week.

    I would love to make love with him. And I did many time. But nowadays he is just too tight for me. He wants me. He feels great. BUt as soon as I would like to enter - he says it hurts him. What could be wrong? I dont want to hurt him. Dontr want to cause pain for him. Las time he started to bleed after I tried to enter. It makes me feel guilty. (We used to have enough foreplay with lubes pls dont think that Im not a caring person) He seems like he couldnt be relaxed enough to "let me in" ...but why?
    I tought Im average in lenght and girth. So I dont think my girth is too much ...(its 5.5 )

    I tought Ive found my love and it seems it doesnt work :( Am I right? What should I do to relax him? We have so long emotional - sexual sessions ...kisses...etc. BUt cant penetrate him ...

    Im in trouble
  8. So winter is here. Fair maids are blooming while they still covered by soft snow. The weather is windy and cold but its nice to see the stars shining back at the surface of the great snow-quilt.
    It has a mood...
    BUt Im not here to praise the seasons for their glory. Im just in that mood as always. I feel in every bit of my cells that Im undesireable and cannot be loved. And that feeling is killing me.

    In my life I was always the nice guy, who is polite, passionate, and attentive. I always tought that Im doing fine things. But seems Ive been lurked little by little into the sourness.
    I came to the fact that I have no friends, no lovers nobodywho just loves me the way I am. And its a damn bad feeling. Why should I carry on? What is the point?
    My life is mostly automatic. Wakeing up, bathroom, breakfast, heading to work, work, buy stuff to eat , heading home, fixing things at home, watching a movie, bathroom then heading to bed. Thats my life in a nutshell.
    Who wants to live this life? I do not want to ...

    I tought Im worth something. But thats not true. Nothing would be change if my existence would be over. Noone would care.

    Its funny to write these words down on a forum like this. BUt this is my only blog.

    So heading back to winter... maybe the snow will start melting in a couple of days. Maybe.
    Too many maybes and buts are not good in my life.


  9. Today is my birthday!

    In according to roman numerals...I left my porn years (XXX) and become an extra large guy (XL)

    So Im 40 yrs old now...
    Shall I feel ashamed cause I feel Im 20 only ...
    ActionBuddy likes this.
  10. Hi!

    Well self-esteem has started to grow. Ive took some pictures of myself (as you can see them in my gallery) and Ive gained POSITIVE comments about them. That was quite shocking in a good way for me :)

    Maybe Im not ugly? Im trying to belive that I can find myself ... handsome.

    Maybe this whole thing works together... the bunch of nice people here who try to help me. Even the assholes with their negative comments helped me to gain power to belive in myself and make this journey.

    So thank you! Yes you, who reading this. Cause you have cared. Thats enough for build up strong walls and roofs of self-esteem.

    I know I now is boring to hear all over again these things about my insecurities....but hey this is a blog and I feel this now :)

    I feel a bit calmed and happy...(a bit)

    Im on the right path ...and I hope I can keep my feet on the ground.
  11. I was thinking that Im straight for almost 40 years. About half a year ago Ive realized that there is no straight or gay (at least for me) ..only sexuality. Ive understood that Im a bi. Trying to accept it as it is but it is hard ...since Im a bit old for this also.

    It is like Im in love with the sun and in love with the moon also. I would never get their love fully. I could not love both at the same time. And this makes me sad. Feels like Im not belonging to anywhere. It is not a good thing to hang between anything. and it feels like that.

    I cannot be happy cause I would always missing the other half of my love. Its miserable but true. I need to dominate on one of my half to live a life ...but that is hard for me.

    No wonder I cant find my place yet.

    Sometimes Im passionate and soul is opened and want to have similar toughts with another human being. But sometimes Im more raw...leting my instinct lead and thinkin about sexuality only. Its like a magnet's two pole. It is hard to find myself now.
  12. Hi!

    Well A few weeks ago Ive reported that Ive lost weight about 29 lbs and gained 0.4 inches on my penis cause Ive lost some weight from my fatpad also.

    NOw Ive reached 66 lbs ...Ive lost 66. Yes. It feels great! Not to mention that Ive gained 0.2 inches more on my willie now I have a 6.6 inches long manhood.

    BUt it seems NOT ENOUGH for this site :(

    I know Im not big Im not expect to be accepted here as big ...but Ive received comments on my manhood...that I must say Im short and small. Well obviously here I am shorter from most of the members. I dont want to be called huge or big I know Im not those. BUt please those who commented me"short" those are not big at all themselves! Some of them are even smaller than me (according to their pictures)
    Dont they think that they comments are hurting me,? Why do they doing this? Its very sour for me...
    Im really curious about your opinions in this subject.

    But trying to not concentrate these negative things.

    Im happy that I was able to achieve the weight loss- :D
    All I need someone who could love me ... :)

    wishing you all a happy day
  13. Well Ive come to conclusions. I must be a very ugly person. ANd Im not just talk about my look. Ive realized noone cares whatever I do in my life cause Im not important to anybody. Not a single person around me. And that makes me sad.

    Okay I do not want to whining about my status...but Ive lost my friends (my best friend died and others have moved too far from me...and Im not an easy person to create relationships in a snap) I was trying to make pathetic moves to gain some human attention on me but with no results. Of course I have buddies but they are not friends...and damn Im so missing a friendship.

    Im too old for creating life long friendships I guess.
    I wanted to boost my ego and feel that Im not worthless but came out that I am actually.
    Im old, fat, balding and getting grumpy...and mostly tired about that Im trying to give my heart on a tray but noone wants it...even they throw it to the ground and tread it while in laugh. Im tired about that I cannot give enough of myself..and being rejected in all walks of life.

    I came here to LPSG to rule my insecurity and learn to like myself as I am but it backfired. I feel worse then ever.

    I would like to thank two beloved members here to cared about me and always answered my messages without pretending. Surely would be good to have you as friends but distance is a great killer in here.


    Sorry to all who read this. Didnt wanted to put you down.

    I know the rollercoaster effect. I bet I will experience better times..but now I feel crap.
  14. Oh yes! I am!
    Ive posted in my blog a few weeks ago that we (my beloved man and me) broke up. But! We ve discussed things and after many talks ..yesterday ...we spent a very nice evening together. It was hillarious! Now Im happy as much as I could be ever!

    Well Im trying to focus on my happyness only so I m not thinking about what will be next ...just floating in today's happyness...and it feels great!
    He is such a nice person...his soul is a big heart. Im sooo in love with him...Im feeling like a teenager now (sounds stupid I know :) )

    Wish you all a happy day like I have one now :)
  15. Im so confused. Cause the man whom Ive broke up a couple of days ago has been called me in the middle of the night. He was in tears and asking me how am I doing.
    Why did he do that? I mean it was soooo good that he called me. But after we made the discuss about brokeing up...why? Does that mean I mean something to him? He doesnt wanna loose me?

    Now Im confused...

    Because deep in my heart I have the feelings for him.
    Its sooo complicated. Life is a bitch I suppose.
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