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I am a gay. I always knew that, before I knew anything about sex or what sexual identity was all about. Ask any gay person, and I bet they will tell you the same thing whether they are out or completely closeted. I am completely “out” now, happy with my mind, body and relationships.
The root of my identity has always been a strong physical and emotional attraction to other guys. I’m starting this blog to share my thoughts and experiences as I grew up from being a young boy through the present. When did I first realize that I was gay? What were my first sexual experiences? How did they feel? What were my moments of emotional conflict, or of extreme happiness and satisfaction or, perhaps, frustration, with others. Perhaps you’ll recognize a bit of yourself in me.
If you’re interested in something approaching porn fiction or autobiography, please look elsewhere.
Before I knew anything about sex or sexuality, I felt a warm comfort among other males. In the summers from ages 7 through 9 I went to camp where I was in a group of boys my age. I was happy spending days with the other boys and liked being around them, especially when we were engaged in one contact sport or another. I also experienced a very real fascination with my group’s counselor. He couldn’t have been more than a college student at the time, but to me he was a real man. His name was Chuck and he was solidly built with wavy blond hair and a natural rapport with all of us kids. His arms, legs and chest were covered with curly blond hair, and his chest hair continued in a line down his abs until it disappeared into his shorts. I was a kid, but I was absolutely captivated by what I saw. I suspect all boys are like this, gay or straight, curious about men’s bodies and wondering what they’ll be like when they grow up. Changing in the locker room, I quickly developed the art of taking peaks at Chuck’s body. I was absolutely fascinated by his body hair and his physique so unlike that of a boy, which may account to this day for my preference for men with body hair. I have little recollection of my peers’ boyish bodies, certainly nothing in the way of any attraction. I’m not sure that the attraction I held for Chuck was sexual, except perhaps the very awakening of one. Thinking about Chuck, though, was comforting in a very satisfying way I couldn’t really identify at the time. All of us boys were looking forward to manhood and the changes in our bodies that would bring, and I suspect we all shared a common curiosity. I thought that my wandering eyes, scanning over my friends’ and Chuck’s bodies, was something we all did though it was something we never talked about. It seemed perfectly normal to me.