What do you think?

[big_guy]

So a few weeks ago a new friend I made sometime in the last 8 months invited me to a party at her place for the first time. While there I met a pretty hot guy who was also quite interesting to talk to. Me being the oblivious idiot that I am did not pick up at all on the fact that he was flirting with me the entire night; I found out after I left the party with another friend and she told me the half way through the night "hot guy" texted the friend hosting the party asking if I was gay.

This is where it gets "complicated", she does not know that I'm bi, and told "hot guy" that I'm into girls. (Side note: she doesn't know not because I don't want her to know just because I don't parade my sexuality, I don't like labels.) So fast forward to the next day and I texted my friend and asked for "hot guy's" number. I texted him, asked if he'd be up for drinks sometime and he said yes. We then chatted a little bit that night through text.

Now fast forward again to the Friday we said we'd meet up. I showed up at the pub for drink and he never showed... I had (obviously) texted him to see if he was running late or what was up. He then replied about two hours later saying that he felt terrible he had forgot about our plans and sounded sincerely apologetic I told him not to worry these things happen... I have since texted him twice (once the next day asking for a rain check and once a week later (i.e. this Friday) asking if he is still interested in going out for a drink but he has not replied to me since he apologized.

At this point I'm not an idiot and can see that he is not going to reply and I'm not going to waste my time. But my question is do you think that he's embarrassed about standing me up or was I misled into thinking he was more into me than he actually is?

 

[Mercurygirl]

I think the only thing you were misled about is that he isn't the nice guy you thought he was but in fact a fucking asshole.

A mature considerate person who made plans with someone and then forgot to show up (if this is indeed the truth?) and then didn't make a point, an effort, to reschedule and apologize in person is a self-important prick of the highest order. End of. If there was any doubt to that unfavorable label the fact you texted him and he can't even be bothered to reply confirms it. Just be glad you discovered what type of person he really is early on and not waste anymore time on him.

At this point if he does finally reply you should ignore him otherwise he'll think you have no self-esteem and consider you a doormat.

 

[long_uncut]

What Mercurygirl said, unless he comes up with a really, really good reason. Something like he has been locked up somewhere with no access to any means of communication. There is no excuse for that sort of behavior after making arrangements to meet.

 

[hzs3fg]

Article in the New York Times a few days ago about the new trend known as "ghosting"

Check it out. http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/06/2...n-ghosting-the-ultimate-silent-treatment.html

 

[Greysun]

He's just not that into you, bro. Spin your wheels if you want, but I would just move on. You have put the ball in his court. If he doesn't want to play, his lose.

 

[big_guy]

I disagree that he's an asshole because I know the mutual friend through whom I met him is a very good judge of character... that said I wish he would at least say that he's not interested as opposed to just going silent.

When it comes down to it, I couldn't care less either way if he's into me or not... it's just the being left hanging that sucks. Especially after we spent an entire night chatting, then agreeing to go for drinks, and chatting through text some more... I feel he could at least make up an excuse that he's busy for the next month or something ridiculously transparent. Anything would be better than nothing imo.

But Yeah... you guys pretty much said what I was expecting everyone would agree on. Even before starting this thread I had decided the next move is his.

 

[43698]

Ok peep this,

I cannot read minds 100% effectively and neither can you or any of the rest of us. I am a pretty good judge of chracter and while I feel pretty confident in my assessments of people, that does not mean I know them in every way. I will also had that no matter how great someone may be, that does not mean they are great for a relationship.

Not answering your messages is a shithead move and in my opinion shows a lack of class and chracter. That rings especially true when you have done nothing to earn that sort of treatment. From what you are telling us, I don't think I would be going out of my way to include him in my life. If I was you would be forgetting all about it and moving on. There are far too many eager mates around to be hung up on one. Do not take this personally. He does not know you well enough to make any real judgement of you. In the event he is "just not that in to you," so what. These thing happen.

In the future you will succeed and you will fail. Just as long as you try at least one more time than you fail you will succeed.

 

[KennF]

While I agree with the others that the guy isn't being considerate, but that wasn't your question. I think you were self-evaluating whether you were reading too much into the situation, or, that the embarassment was too much for the other guy.

I tend to think it was both. You sound like you have a bi side that wants a little more attention and this guy appears to have been an opportunity. Unfortunately, it was the wrong guy, or the wrong time, or he was just embarassed at the mixed signals, or he freaked out at the last minute and couldn't deal with it.

Someone like that wasn't ready for your offer of dating. He may have been more in the mood for a quick hook up and you were offering more than he could handle.

Either way, you've already shown that you are twice the man he is.

 

[959101]

-w- hmm maybe he's a playa and moved onto other people once he realized he couldn't get you? And he was only interested in you for da 3====D or maybe ( ) ) or both.

 

[Mercurygirl]

I disagree that he's an asshole because I know the mutual friend through whom I met him is a very good judge of character... that said I wish he would at least say that he's not interested as opposed to just going silent.

When it comes down to it, I couldn't care less either way if he's into me or not... it's just the being left hanging that sucks. Especially after we spent an entire night chatting, then agreeing to go for drinks, and chatting through text some more... I feel he could at least make up an excuse that he's busy for the next month or something ridiculously transparent. Anything would be better than nothing imo.

But Yeah... you guys pretty much said what I was expecting everyone would agree on. Even before starting this thread I had decided the next move is his.

No, regardless of your friend's "good judgement" the guy sounds like an asshole. I think you're blinded by his charm and in denial. Fuck, you'd rather have him lie to you? What??? Those are the words of a desperate man who's self-esteem appears to be running on empty. Sorry for the harsh critique but I would be just as frank and honest with a friend if I felt they were selling themselves short.

Bottom line, the way this guy is treating you is wrong. His behavior is that of a immature douchebag and you shouldn't be making excuses for people who act in such a rude manner.

 

[KennF]

@big_guy I have to wonder why you are defending his behavoir.

I know none of us likes to be stood up, but I wouldn't suggest internalizing it. I'm sure we get the chance to go out on a date that we want to end fast or didn't want to be on in the first place.

His no-show was a reflection on HIM, not you.

 

[big_guy]

@nicettech you are absolutely right and I agree. There are plenty of other nice people who would probably be better for me in the long run. I'm fully aware of that and I'm in no way going to go out of my way for this guy.

@KennF you are right, this thread was not meant to evaluate the merits of the other guy as a human being. More about how you guys would react in this situation. You're also correct in saying that I want "more" at this point in my life, but that's not specific to my bi side. For reasons that would distract from the goal of this thread and I won't be going into I have not been putting myself out there for a relationship for a few years now; this other guy was at the right place at what felt like the right time so I went for it. Sucks that it didn't go anywhere, but I'm mature enough not to lose any sleep over it.

@Mercurygirl (and @KennF) I believe you misunderstand me. Just as I'm sure you wouldn't want to be judged by a single action of yours he does not deserve to be judged for a single one of his.

Also, if I'm understanding your meaning correctly, you believe I lack self esteem and confidence I assure you it's quite the opposite. I am happy with the person I am today. There was a time in my life, basically grade school and high school, when I *did* in fact lack confidence and self esteem. Like many others I was bullied, had "girly" hobbies (i.e. ballet, jazz dance and figure skating) add to that the fact I was questioning my sexuality at the time... all these things together had me wondering if I was worth anything. Luckily I had/have a great family who stood by me through it all and I came out the other side a better person. I now have plenty of friends who respect me for the person I am and more importantly I respect myself.

All this to say, my self worth does not depend on my ability to diminish another. For that reason alone I refuse to call him an ass or a sorry excuse for a human being or any variation upon that theme. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an idiot and if I ever do see him again, I'm not going to forget about this incident. Please don't take this to mean that I still want to pursue a relationship with the guy, it just means that if I ever see him again (which is not unlikely since our mutual friend is one of his best friends) I'm a big enough person that I could forgive him.

It would not be the first time I stay friends with an ex... in fact last weekend one of my exes and I made arrangements together to rent a cottage for a few friends in our group. Just because someone does not work out romantically in your life it does not mean you need to cut them out completely.