your partner and porn

[luvmalebonding]

Fellas are you guys okay with your partner getting off on porn.. me besides my religious beliefs I dont like it when I come downstairs and see my man jerking his dick to other dudes. Our sex feels good its just he's way hornier than me. Its like pratice the self control idk me personally I just dont need to get off on another man when I got my partner
what's yall thoughts or and experiences on this

 

[mcstang]

I've been there... you and your partner should definitely discuss this. Some talking points/thoughts:

Would you be as upset if he was simply looking at porn but not masturbating?

Is demanding he never look at porn reasonable, or even fair to him?

Does he look/wank while you are in the room or does he wait until you're asleep/not at home to get off?

If you ask, is he upfront and honest about doing this or does he deny doing anything but his browsing history says otherwise?

Do you feel rejected, that he's choosing self-satisfaction via porn rather than interacting with you in a mutually satisfying manner?

The trust issues can really complicate things-I speak from experience. You've GOT to sit down with him and talk about it, otherwise it can mess with your mind and ruin your relationship. Try to be open-minded; you'll get a lot farther if you ask the questions rather than inject your beliefs. It's important to find out why he looks at it and what he gets from doing so. Try not to compare yourself to the subjects, or think "if only I looked like that guy in the porn... maybe he'd want me more". Let me know how it goes; if you want to talk offline that's cool too. Good luck!

 

[malakos]

With my ex there were a few times here and there where I thought he was spending so much time with porn that it was taking up times when even we could be sexual together, but that did not happen often at all. Other than that it generally didn't bother me. I knew that his sex drive was higher than mine and he was simply spending the extra energy that surpassed my own. When I was up for sex it never truly proved an obstacle, so I didn't see anything to be upset about.

Flirting, OTOH, is a different issue. I was often fine with him flirting with other guys, but sometimes I got this feeling as if he were more interested in certain guys than me, and I got the feeling like sometimes these interests drew away from our own intimacy. I don't know to what degree that feeling represented objective reality, as I am slightly on the paranoid and jealous side.

 

[luvmalebonding]

I hear ya.. we talk and its no trust issues its just if you got a man why lust over somone else what do u need porn for. Im not enough to jerk off to.. I don't understand it I told him I don't like it it turns me off

 

[malakos]

Well... you admitted that you have a lower sex drive and he does it when you're not in the mood anyway. So, if you're not in the mood at the time I'm assuming you're not going to do things to sexually arouse him. So do you have any reasonable alternative to offer him?

 

[luvmalebonding]

But porn.. he's mentally cheating on me. If he can do it mentally he can do it physically if im absent over a period of time

 

[malakos]

Uh... if you sincerely think that watching porn is equivalent to fucking someone else, I could see how you would be upset...

 

[neo]

No problem with looking at porn but in a relationship you need a little respect. Wanking to porn while your partner might walk in and catch you lacks that respect as far as I'm concerned. Particularly if you've made it clear you don't like it.

'Mentally cheating' is nonsense. Everyone is going to at least fantasise occasionally; you're partner, and you, are going to think sexual thoughts about someone else. That doesn't damage your relationship. I like porn, I like wanking, I like to check out cams and pics here, and I like to wank with other guys here. If anything it makes my relationship better. Any sane person can draw a line between online stuff and real relationships. Enjoying porn doesn't mean you are or will be unfaithful.

I have to check myself occasionally if me having a wank is going to mean I don't want to have sex with my bf, but otherwise it's all healthy and good.

Sounds like you've made it clear to him you don't like it. But you need to accept it's going to happen and not worry about it. But... he has no need to do it in a situation when you're going to catch him.

 

[neo]

It won't solve the 'problem' (which as I've said isn't a problem) but: if you think there's a situation where you might catch him at it, make plenty of noise, give him a chance to put it away. If you sneak up on someone you're asking to find out things you don't want to.

 

[Kdeimos]

If he were turning down sex with you in favor of jerking off, that might be a problem. Instead, it seems the reverse is true: As you've acknowledged, your sex drive isn't as high as his, so asking him to tone it back when you don't want to put out is pretty fucking selfish. If you catch him jerking it, ask him if he wants you to blow him instead. Do that often enough, and either your sex drive will catch up, or he'll learn to cum to you first.

Otherwise, you could put an ultimatum on him to never watch porn again. But if you do, he'll either lie and do it more subtly in the future, or yall will break up. It's your call, really.

 

[luvmalebonding]

I will not agree with everyone will fantasize about sex with other people.. if you have a partner you are committed to him sexually and him only.. how would he feel if I told him I fantasize about another man bending meover when you did.. or I fantasize about him bending me over..me personally thats down right unclean and insulting and not love but lust
selfish I don't think so.. so would it be selfish of me to go out and do something with a guy when I'm horny and he's not..? Yes it's extreme but the two are equivalent to me.. Where's the self control sex is important but it's not everything

 

[malakos]

Self control is where you choose to not have sex with other people. You can't really control what pops into your mind.

 

[luvmalebonding]

Yes u can't control what pops in your mind but you can control what you think about.

 

[draw22]

my guy is ok withit, but he doesnt me like the idea of me watching vids with guys with big dicks. he says it makes him feel inadequate, but i watch alot off amateurs and it seems anyone with a big dick makes a video of themselves and i dont actively seek out big dicks. i jus like watching vids with a big cumshot and decent looking foreskin. if the dude is big and a long foreskin.......i melt...same with a average guy. its jus a random occurence

 

[Kdeimos]

If sex isn't everything, why are you freaking out about it? Does his jerking off actually hurt anything? No. Only in *your head* - I'm not saying you're not entitled to that feeling, but as clear as you've made it that you don't want him watching porn, he's made it clear that he's gonna jerk off.
If someone else's fantasies are that terrifying to you, I don't know what to tell you. You wonder how he would feel if you told him you fantasize about other people sometimes? I don't know - ASK HIM. He might think it's hot. He might ask to hear more. He might even jerk off to the idea.
Your idea of "self control" is manipulative and sex-shaming. It's selfish and unrealistic. You don't want him to have "self control" - you want to be in control of him, including policing his thoughts and feelings. And if you're conflating masturbation and actually going out and fucking someone else, then your sense of perspective is so skewed, no one here will be able to convince you otherwise.

I think you should just break up.
You won't trust him to not watch porn, and you will now and forever suspect him of "mentally cheating." I say put a fork in it; it's done.
If love is never, ever so much as *thinking* about another person sexually, then I don't think any person has ever loved.

 

[luvmalebonding]

Lmbo kdeimos I'm sorry I couldn't even read your whole post cuz I was struck with a great deal of laughter...first of all I don't wonder I stated that question as a statement and no he wouldn't feel good to his partner getting off to someone outside his relationship with him.. I want to control him..lol not at all.. just want him to respect me.. all of us men don't think with our dicks sir.. have a nice one

 

[SyddyKitty]

I'm fine with him wanking to porn. I'd probably encourage it. If he cams, though... that's a no-go. I don't mind getting off to images of other men. Interacting is a different level, though.

 

[Kdeimos]

Respect is a two-way street. If you won't respect or compromise with him on his feelings or desires, it's controlling to expect him to kowtow to yours, no questions asked.
So, I wish you luck.
I suspect you're going to need it.

 

[luvmalebonding]

okay if your fine with your boyfriend cheating on you mentally and or physically cool that's you but just because im not don't try to say im being controlling were partners with a closed relationship sexually

 

[Kdeimos]

See, that's what I mean - "cheating mentally?" That's nonsense. And beyond that, it's certainly not the same as cheating physically.

My husband loves me and respects me, and if he spanks it to porn when I'm not around, great! Porn isn't a threat to our marriage, and it never has been because neither of us makes it a big deal. Hell, sometimes if we're in the mood we watch porn *together*. I've been with partners who have cheated on me physically, so I know what that's like, and a little bit of porn when we're not together is a non-issue. It is a fantasy, and as long as it has no discernible negative impact on your function as a couple, then I can't fathom the problem.

If he were cybering or camming, I can totally see being justified in your concern. The internet makes those boundaries blurry sometimes, but I think cybering and camming could, under most people's definitions, be considered cheating. But jerking off? Get over it. He jerked off before you were on the scene, and he will jerk off when you're gone. To ask a man to stop jerking off while he's with you is, in my opinion, silly, controlling, and rooted in insecurity.

The reason I'm saying I think it's controlling is because you're trying to police your boyfriend's thoughts. By your own admissions, you don't even want him to *think* about another man sexually, lest he be guilty of "mentally cheating." I call that controlling.

You don't want him to be able to enjoy his own body *by himself* - a body which is his and not yours. You are policing his body as well as his thoughts, and I call that controlling.

Would it be different if he masturbated in the shower? He could be imagining you, or he could be imagining getting gang-banged by the lacrosse team and you'd never know. But as long as he lied and told you it was you he was spanking it to, would that be okay?