When i was growing up, my mother had a potty mouth. I being the person I was at the time (quiet, shy, bookish and well and truly terrified of my mom in her worse moods) kept my ears peeled for my own safety.
Whenever any man in her life pissed her off, (or anything that wasn't a woman) she'd spit out a litany of cuss words, most prevalent among them "cocksucker" or often "cocksucking moutherfucker".
People had been telling Mom for years that I was gay.
I hate that this word is insistantly used to create feelings of shame and degredation in people.
I told myself that when she said it she wasn't talking about me, or even thinking of me. But each time I heard it, it pushed me a little farther into myself. As much as every time she substituted my brother's name for mine. Every time she said "you are just like your father." every time she said " A man should look like a man"
Unsurprisingly, when she went to jail near the beginning of my junior year in high school, i started flirting with androgyny. longer hair, wearing eyeliner, and closer fitting clothes.
I figured that after years of being told I was a sissy, being harrassed for being gay (long before i'd come to any such conclusions) I figured I'd wear what I liked. My seinor year, I came out of the closet as bi, as well as a witch. That year I got harrassed but nowhere NEAR as bad as any year before.
Later with my first real boyfriend (as opposed to fuckbuddies on the sly) I was constantly hearing him bash femme gays and flamers. I;d hear him use the word Cocksucker as if it was the deepest insult.
Now, that seems a tad hypocritical for someone who spent a nice amount of time with my dick in his mouth or his tougue up my ass.
and I'll never forget him saying, in reference to a young man who worked at the same workplace we did, who wore eyeliner every night to work, "it's fags like him who got the rest of us beaten up." As my face contorted in disgust at his comment? he said "and don't start with internalized homophobia"
I didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
so, I rein myself in when my own internalized homophobia makes me want to hiss at femmes and flamers (seriously it's like two cats being introduced) and I wonder how much of people's behavior is by rote from the people around them as they grew up.
it just makes me sad and a little nauseous, knowing that I've swallowed so much of the poisoned bullshit spewed in my direction.
Whenever any man in her life pissed her off, (or anything that wasn't a woman) she'd spit out a litany of cuss words, most prevalent among them "cocksucker" or often "cocksucking moutherfucker".
People had been telling Mom for years that I was gay.
I hate that this word is insistantly used to create feelings of shame and degredation in people.
I told myself that when she said it she wasn't talking about me, or even thinking of me. But each time I heard it, it pushed me a little farther into myself. As much as every time she substituted my brother's name for mine. Every time she said "you are just like your father." every time she said " A man should look like a man"
Unsurprisingly, when she went to jail near the beginning of my junior year in high school, i started flirting with androgyny. longer hair, wearing eyeliner, and closer fitting clothes.
I figured that after years of being told I was a sissy, being harrassed for being gay (long before i'd come to any such conclusions) I figured I'd wear what I liked. My seinor year, I came out of the closet as bi, as well as a witch. That year I got harrassed but nowhere NEAR as bad as any year before.
Later with my first real boyfriend (as opposed to fuckbuddies on the sly) I was constantly hearing him bash femme gays and flamers. I;d hear him use the word Cocksucker as if it was the deepest insult.
Now, that seems a tad hypocritical for someone who spent a nice amount of time with my dick in his mouth or his tougue up my ass.
and I'll never forget him saying, in reference to a young man who worked at the same workplace we did, who wore eyeliner every night to work, "it's fags like him who got the rest of us beaten up." As my face contorted in disgust at his comment? he said "and don't start with internalized homophobia"
I didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.
so, I rein myself in when my own internalized homophobia makes me want to hiss at femmes and flamers (seriously it's like two cats being introduced) and I wonder how much of people's behavior is by rote from the people around them as they grew up.
it just makes me sad and a little nauseous, knowing that I've swallowed so much of the poisoned bullshit spewed in my direction.
