I have to come clean about something. My ex girlfriend is the first woman that I ever had a sexual relationship with. I have had sex with women before her, but they were all unsatisfying one night stands or prostitutes. Also, except for two occaisions intercourse was never involved in my other relationships or sexual encounters. My sex life revolved around oral and hand jobs. The three times that I had intercourse were not fun. They were awkward experiences where I came away feeling less confident and like sex was just wrong for me. From my bad experiences, self loathing and poor self image I had developed a fear of sex and was unable to perform intercourse at all. So in reality, I didn't have a sex life.
Until I met my most recent ex. I don't knwo what it was about her. But, for some reason, on our first night together as we were naked in bed together we just fucked. It's weird, because on my end very little had changed from my previous sexual encounters. My mentality and general state of mind regarding myself and my body were the same. But, for some reason I was able to perform with her when I wasn't able to with other women. I guess in some ways I was a little bit different than I had been in the past. I become a big fan of prostitutes and got hand jobs from them frequently, which made me much more used to be being touched by other people. So, I wasn't as nervous and ashamed about physical contact like I had been in the past. Maybe that made all the difference? I don't know. But my ex was the first person that I had a real sexual relationship with.
To be honest, the sex wasn't perfect. I never came with her. We had sex a lot, but it ended only after one of us just got exhausted. Thankfully, she never figured out that I wasn't coming with her. I didn't want to make her feel bad, so I never brought it up. That's part of why I felt so hurt by our breakup. The only concrete thing that she mentioned when she broke up with me was that we weren't sexually compatible. She wanted more passion and someone who could make her cum without the use of a vibrator. Which, I suppose is a fair desire. She said the sex was, "enjoyable", but what does that even mean? If it was enjoyable, would you really complain? I wouldn't think so, but what do I know.
So at this point in my life, I'm still attracted to women and want sex, but at the same time, I don't have the energy to go out and date or pursue women. I'm not the kind of person who can pick up women in a bar. I don't have the social skills for that. But, I wouldn't want to do that anyway. I like relationships. I just don't like dating.
I don't like meeting new people or making new friends. I'm very much a reclusive introvert. Which makes dating very difficult to begin with.
This is getting very long. So I'll end it here.
Until I met my most recent ex. I don't knwo what it was about her. But, for some reason, on our first night together as we were naked in bed together we just fucked. It's weird, because on my end very little had changed from my previous sexual encounters. My mentality and general state of mind regarding myself and my body were the same. But, for some reason I was able to perform with her when I wasn't able to with other women. I guess in some ways I was a little bit different than I had been in the past. I become a big fan of prostitutes and got hand jobs from them frequently, which made me much more used to be being touched by other people. So, I wasn't as nervous and ashamed about physical contact like I had been in the past. Maybe that made all the difference? I don't know. But my ex was the first person that I had a real sexual relationship with.
To be honest, the sex wasn't perfect. I never came with her. We had sex a lot, but it ended only after one of us just got exhausted. Thankfully, she never figured out that I wasn't coming with her. I didn't want to make her feel bad, so I never brought it up. That's part of why I felt so hurt by our breakup. The only concrete thing that she mentioned when she broke up with me was that we weren't sexually compatible. She wanted more passion and someone who could make her cum without the use of a vibrator. Which, I suppose is a fair desire. She said the sex was, "enjoyable", but what does that even mean? If it was enjoyable, would you really complain? I wouldn't think so, but what do I know.
So at this point in my life, I'm still attracted to women and want sex, but at the same time, I don't have the energy to go out and date or pursue women. I'm not the kind of person who can pick up women in a bar. I don't have the social skills for that. But, I wouldn't want to do that anyway. I like relationships. I just don't like dating.
I don't like meeting new people or making new friends. I'm very much a reclusive introvert. Which makes dating very difficult to begin with.
This is getting very long. So I'll end it here.
