A Lost Introvert

Marcum

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Hey guys,

I'm neither prude or unattractive - watch my avatar -, but my attempts to improve my social, hooking-up and sex skills are always below others' expectations, which saps my self-confidence.
Could you guys have some empathy and give me some advice for halting this vicious circle?
Thanks!

Marc
 

winesthel945

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Can you give some examples of what you are referring to? In what ways are you "below others' expectations"? Everyone can learn and improve, including their sexual skills and confidence. But the process of improvement depends on exactly what is "wrong" and the context of when this appears as a problem. Personally some of my early sexual experiences were nothing like I had hoped or expected them to be, and it was only a few years later that I realized that some of my sexual partners had "learned" from watching porn, and that porn is fiction... not a training film.

So... tell us more and we can get a better sense of whether there might be something you can improve on... or whether the improvement might need to be in the quality of your partners. :)
 
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dreambridger

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Hey guys,

I'm neither prude or unattractive - watch my avatar -, but my attempts to improve my social, hooking-up and sex skills are always below others' expectations, which saps my self-confidence.
Could you guys have some empathy and give me some advice for halting this vicious circle?
Thanks!

Marc
I get issues with nerves when I'm trying sex with new people or people I don't know well, which will often prevent me from getting an erection. I'm a bottom anyway and I can usually still please them, but I've learned it helps to tell the hook-up off the bat. I'll usually get a response like, "I get nervous a lot too." because when it comes down it most of us are in the same boat scared out of our wits but needing it anyway. How can a hook-up have expectations anyway, any reason for disappointment? I get why expectations happen in a traditional relationship -- but it should be prerequisite knowledge that the outcome of a hook-up is never certain.

So I can relate a little. I still haven't really been able to top a hook-up and haven't topped anyone since my ex-boyfriend about four months ago, which does hurt my confidence a little. But today I happen to be in a rational mood, and I don't see any rational reason to blame solely myself for something that's ultimately to do with the chemistry between people.
 

Brodie888

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I think where everyone needs to start is to know who they are. Once you have a strong deep rooted sense of self, it no longer matters what others think. Their flood of judgment cannot sweep you away from where you stand.

Trust that you are put on this earth to be yourself not a copy of someone else. Your individuality makes us all richer.

Never let your worth be defined or dependent on others. You give power to others who don't deserve such a thing. The opinion of others is a cruel and futile monster that can never be satisfied. There will always be better than yourself. If you spent as much time considering those who are lesser than you, you'll probably realize how fortunate you are.

If you are intent on change, try to be the best version of yourself and remember life is a journey with no final destination.
 

Marcum

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Thanks for this first answer, winesthel945, dreambridger and Brodie888,

Of course, you’re right to point out that wanting to please everybody or letting our expectations or needs drive us can take us into their trap.

Knowing that, I intended in socializing without begging for others’ attention. However, the more I got overlooked or dumped by others’ interaction, the more exposing myself to them in real life got unendurable.

That’s why my social, hooking-up and sexual skills never took off.

And it’s useless reminding the laughing stock you become when you confess the latter, even if inexperience is neither a disease nor a crime.

Does this first development help?
 

winesthel945

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There is definitely a difference between, as you say, "begging for other's attention" and being outgoing and friendly and engaging with others in an active way. People can sense desperation, so that's good to avoid. But there's a fine line between projecting confidence and appearing to be aloof. It can take practice, but you can do it.

For me, I can be very shy in crowds and at parties, etc. But I learned to just try talking to people. I memorized a few topics of conversation and a few questions to ask as "ice breakers" and having them in my mind can be useful for initiating a conversation, or keeping one going. Sometimes it is as simple as commenting on the music in that bar, or something interesting in the scenery, or the weather... something friendly or positive is usually better.

There's a YouTube channel I ran across that has a lot of videos about how to build your charisma or social skills, conversation skills, etc. There are a lot of great tips and also a lot of examples from films and interview shows, etc. Check out this channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/charismaoncommand
 
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Marcum

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all right, some set phrases and behavioural cards appropriately laid on the table can boost interaction and create a good impression upon the guy.
Nice! However, my legs would give way under me if, from my assertiveness at the counter, he implied my assertiveness in bed :)
Having had only bad experiences, l know that telling or even hiding them would make him snigger and/or run away.
Could you please tell me how not to fall into that trap?
Thanks for reading :)
 

MisterBrisbane

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Just throwing something out here.... Have you ever considered seeing someone that is a sex coach? Someone that you can find and trust to talk about intimate details. Someone that you can work with to come up with a game plan in hookups, someone that you can work with to gain confidence again of teach you some techniques to be less nervous?
I saw someone like that and he was fantastic. He listened to my fears and issues and gave me some tips and a game plan. He also gave me some good practical pointers and i could practise various things on him. He gave me feedback in real time on things i could try and the sessions are really fun too. Hopefully there is someone like that in your area.