Well... I can't do it anymore... the ridicule has gotten to me and i'm sick of it... I need to move out of my house asap... I'm not going to wait for them to kick me out. Any and all advice for moving out would be great.
Advice for moving out?
- Thread starter D_Sawyer Wiener
- Start date
Fortunately I never had your situation to deal with...my mom coulndn't care less what i do (she never really had time to yell at me for being gay, cuz scopin out her next score of alcohol & pain meds was pretty much a full time job) , and my dad is totally ok with me to the point he'll tell people to fuk off if they're talkin shit about gays. and though he's a marine, he's strongly in favor of gays being able to serve openly in the military, yeah he's a left leaning lawyer too so he's kind of swimming up stream, but that's how he likes it..
I guess if i were u, I'd just find a place to land, pack my shit and go. if they're makin ur life crap by trying to jam thier psychological disorders down ur throat, u need to be somewhere else.
I guess if i were u, I'd just find a place to land, pack my shit and go. if they're makin ur life crap by trying to jam thier psychological disorders down ur throat, u need to be somewhere else.
nudeyorker
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I need more details before I can make a reasonable comment. Do you owe people money? If that's the case try to sit down and discuss a payment plan. If it is something else supply the details you are comfortable giving and maybe everyone here can give some sound advice.
King_ding_a_ling
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Join the Air Force? Lol
Depending where you are in Wisconsin there are different jobs you can try and get a hold of. I would try to stick to the more populated cities, get a job as a bartender (There are enough bars! lol)
Good to see a fellow Wisconsinite here.
Hey, what part of wisconsin? I'm curious
Depending where you are in Wisconsin there are different jobs you can try and get a hold of. I would try to stick to the more populated cities, get a job as a bartender (There are enough bars! lol)
Good to see a fellow Wisconsinite here.
Hey, what part of wisconsin? I'm curious
Green Bay area of Wisconsin... No I don't owe people anything except for a ticket I have to pay to the state, and my phone bill. Going into detail in public isn't really something I am a fan of... if a few individuals want to know, I might share it with them. My parents aren't okay with me being gay. I've tried voicing to them that the way they changed hurts and well my father ridiculed me over it and has been all day today. My siblings strongly believe that "I'm making a choice and turning my back on God" so they probably won't ever get comfortable with it either. I just can't deal with it... I shouldn't have to deal with it. I tried voicing to my mom that I'm still the same person I just shared something about me no one knew and she wasn't okay with that, I don't remember what she said but it was a snide comment.
D_Gunther Snotpole
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If you leave, be as kind as possible with your parents, and make as sure as you can that the place you're moving to will give you the security and acceptance you're not getting at home.
If you have the option, the ideal might be to share an apartment or house, probably platonically, with a gay friend. That will give you the acceptance you need, and might really accelerate your entry into gay life.
BTW, I know you told your parents and your brother. But did you ever come out to your sisters? They were the remaining question marks.
I wish you well. This is a very hurtful and damaging situation to be in. I don't envy you, Andy.
If you have the option, the ideal might be to share an apartment or house, probably platonically, with a gay friend. That will give you the acceptance you need, and might really accelerate your entry into gay life.
BTW, I know you told your parents and your brother. But did you ever come out to your sisters? They were the remaining question marks.
I wish you well. This is a very hurtful and damaging situation to be in. I don't envy you, Andy.
HellsKitchenmanNYC
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hud01
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Do you have money and/or friends that you can move in with? Those two are the big questions. Find a place which makes you happy. Do you need to stay local? If you are up for starting over find a place which is more gay friendly, like Madison, or a city like NY or SF where you will be accepted. If you are open, look for ads for sharing an apartment. Also look for apartment ads where you want to live.
You don't say if you have a job. If you are going to a new place. In this economy you will need to have several months of money set aside.
If you think they might kick you out if you say you are moving out, pack your most important possessions before they know and hopefully you have a friend who you can have on call.
As for being kind to your parents, BS. I would say I am moving out, as I am tired of your pseudo religiousness. Ask them why they are so intolerant, since that is the opposite of what Jesus taught.
For some reason I can't help but think we have not heard the entire story.
How long ago did you come out?
With conservative individuals it is going to take time for them to adjust to the idea. Before taking a tough time and making it worse you might check into a few PFLAG meetings and see if they would be willing to meet with other parents who have had the same experience.
If this handled incorrectly, the chances for continued hurt, alienation, anguish, and stress on you are greatly increased. If you handle this absolutely correctly, you stand pretty good odds of being able to not only reverse their position on you, but to seriously consider their views on homosexuality.
What I would do is to make every single effort you can to mend the fence. The reason for this has nothing to do with them. My consideration is for you personally. If you can honestly in your own mind and heart say that you did everything you possibly could and were still mistreated, then you can walk away with an absolutely clear conscience and will be able to "stay awaY without anxiety or regret. It is not their viewpoint or feelings that count here, it is YOURS!
I am an "old dude" by your definition I am certain. I am also a gay "old dude". I was alive and aware of most of the events leading to many of the things that have been accomplished for and by the "community" and I am old enough to remember the jolly old times before HIV placed a dark cloud over so many of the gay Brothers and Sisters that came before you.
For a while do everything you can to let the wound at least develop a scab and begin to heal in both yourself and in them. Have as little interaction as is possible with them during this time. Always be kind, simply do not bring up the subject and if they do, tell them that you have made your statements, you do not care to discuss it with them more because it hurts "them" and as a good kid you do not want and never wanted to do that. If they still persist simply avoid this issue.
I am in no manner endorsing a completely "closeted" life. What I am suggesting is simply allowing time as best you can to get to a later stage.
If you absolutely must move out, then you must. The problem is that moving out should be a joyous occasion where parents are proud that their Son or Daughter has reached a stage in life that they can make it on their own. If you are moving out to escape their problems instead of for your own independence then this is a slap in the face to them and their parenting skills. When we started with our Nephew as substitute parents I encouraged him to come to us with ANY problem and to do so quickly and without hesitation. I must admit that this has not been easy. I know that your parents came to you early on and gave you assurance that they would be there for you if you had a problem. By their present behavior they are going back on their word and abandoning parenting of a child is just as much of a sin as the percieved sin of homosexuality.
Remember that you have to grow up to be the best you that you can be. Also you are a byproduct of their DNA and this guarantees that there were other gay people in the woodpile somewhere.
I did a little tracing of the family tree in my own case. At a moment many years ago that my Father chose to be a little "stubborn" on this issue I was able to point out that all of that "gay DNA" came from his side of the family. I dug back and found at least three other gay people in my Dad's family. I years later I found one on my Mom's side and that one has some complications that indicate that the DNA could have come from his homophobic Father.
Slow down, take your time and fight your battles one at a time. The winning of a war is made up of individual battles. In the beginning you may win a few and then lose a few. If you're smart over time you will win the entire war and that is the part that counts.
Good Luck!
How long ago did you come out?
With conservative individuals it is going to take time for them to adjust to the idea. Before taking a tough time and making it worse you might check into a few PFLAG meetings and see if they would be willing to meet with other parents who have had the same experience.
If this handled incorrectly, the chances for continued hurt, alienation, anguish, and stress on you are greatly increased. If you handle this absolutely correctly, you stand pretty good odds of being able to not only reverse their position on you, but to seriously consider their views on homosexuality.
What I would do is to make every single effort you can to mend the fence. The reason for this has nothing to do with them. My consideration is for you personally. If you can honestly in your own mind and heart say that you did everything you possibly could and were still mistreated, then you can walk away with an absolutely clear conscience and will be able to "stay awaY without anxiety or regret. It is not their viewpoint or feelings that count here, it is YOURS!
I am an "old dude" by your definition I am certain. I am also a gay "old dude". I was alive and aware of most of the events leading to many of the things that have been accomplished for and by the "community" and I am old enough to remember the jolly old times before HIV placed a dark cloud over so many of the gay Brothers and Sisters that came before you.
For a while do everything you can to let the wound at least develop a scab and begin to heal in both yourself and in them. Have as little interaction as is possible with them during this time. Always be kind, simply do not bring up the subject and if they do, tell them that you have made your statements, you do not care to discuss it with them more because it hurts "them" and as a good kid you do not want and never wanted to do that. If they still persist simply avoid this issue.
I am in no manner endorsing a completely "closeted" life. What I am suggesting is simply allowing time as best you can to get to a later stage.
If you absolutely must move out, then you must. The problem is that moving out should be a joyous occasion where parents are proud that their Son or Daughter has reached a stage in life that they can make it on their own. If you are moving out to escape their problems instead of for your own independence then this is a slap in the face to them and their parenting skills. When we started with our Nephew as substitute parents I encouraged him to come to us with ANY problem and to do so quickly and without hesitation. I must admit that this has not been easy. I know that your parents came to you early on and gave you assurance that they would be there for you if you had a problem. By their present behavior they are going back on their word and abandoning parenting of a child is just as much of a sin as the percieved sin of homosexuality.
Remember that you have to grow up to be the best you that you can be. Also you are a byproduct of their DNA and this guarantees that there were other gay people in the woodpile somewhere.
I did a little tracing of the family tree in my own case. At a moment many years ago that my Father chose to be a little "stubborn" on this issue I was able to point out that all of that "gay DNA" came from his side of the family. I dug back and found at least three other gay people in my Dad's family. I years later I found one on my Mom's side and that one has some complications that indicate that the DNA could have come from his homophobic Father.
Slow down, take your time and fight your battles one at a time. The winning of a war is made up of individual battles. In the beginning you may win a few and then lose a few. If you're smart over time you will win the entire war and that is the part that counts.
Good Luck!
- VeeP,
I think this is very good advice. In your prior thread you indicated you're a full-time student with a part-time job and no car, therefore if I were you I'd look really hard at whether you can be self-sufficient if you do leave. The current economic climate isn't terribly conducive to landing on one's feet, unfortunately. And if I recall correctly, one of your parents biggest objections was that your being gay was somehow going to divert your attention from your studies. Assuming your financial situation remains the same and you're still somewhat dependent upon your parents, I say give this whole thing some breathing room and concentrate on proving to them that your aspirations, etc. haven't changed and that your relationship with them can remain the same despite your sexual preference. Meanwhile, save your money in case they do kick you out at some point, but for now don't do things to foment it. It has only been a month since you came out and they're clearly not going to come around quickly. Sure you'd like for them to become immediately accepting, but like it or not it's going to have to happen at their pace, not yours.
I can 110% guarantee you all they will not talk to PFLAG or anyone else who has a gay child... I remember this one time my dad was watching a debate on TV about gay marriage and I remember him saying so many hateful things about gays etc., A while ago my sister saw a myspace of someone we used to know and he's now openly gay and she showed me and was like "thats so gross sick and wrong... I hope you never turn out like that"... My family is most likely never going to come around to ever being comfortable or accepting of the way I am. Lately I've gotten more hours at work (a stupid kid got fired) which is good.... *sigh* lost my train of thought... if I remember... I'll post the rest
DaveyR
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Andy try and be as cool and calm as you can about it all. I won't go into the full details but I will tell you that my own family were horrific when I came out 20 odd years ago. I cut them off and basically told them it was their problem not mine and they knew how to contact me should they decide to act like decent human beings. They came round in a few months and I could not ask for better. All my pals back in the UK love them and still visit them regularly eventhough I'm not there.
I'm not suggesting that you do the same as I but what I am saying is not to write them off. Hopefully they will surprise you in a big way soon and become the people you want. Time is a great healer. The more mature and dignified you act about this will influence them over time.
MovingForward
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Andy, you have to do what's best for you and what will make you happy. Its 11 years since, I came out and my dad is still not ok with it. My mom is sort of ok. Im almost 30 now, and I live my own life. The best thing you can do is work so that you do not need anythign from them. There are lot's of organization that will help you if you apply.
Which organizations? If I do this, which I'm pretty sure I am, I will need all the help I can get
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