Advice: I’m a gay man and a girl has a crush on me

[MelbBoy99]

Hi everyone, I’ve been here for a while, but this is my second post.

I’m after some advice. I’ve ran into a tricky situation at work recently. This girl, who we’ll call Julia, has become really affectionate and close with me in the last couple of months. From just saying good morning to each other, to now making plans for the weekend and catching up outside of work. We’ve all had crushes before and know the happiness kept inside when you’re around them, but of course, sometimes it spills out and becomes obvious; Julia makes it pretty obvious. Other work colleagues have also noticed this and have mentioned it to me. To be honest, I’m shocked and flattered, but there’s an issue. I’m a gay man and am in a relationship. I’ve thought this over, and have mentioned it to my other half, but I can’t plan a scenario that will end well for the both of us, mainly her. If we didn’t work together it wouldn’t be a big problem, but the last thing I want to do is create an awkward working environment. She’s a great girl and I really enjoy being around her, but I can’t be in a relationship with her. I’ve been rejected before, so I understand the heartbreak, but there has to be a way of doing it ‘gently’. I’m fully aware that the longer this goes on, the harder it will be.

Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Cheers

 

[titapetita]

I've been there before a couple of times. Don't know why, always have been girls the ones who have a crush on me (damn it!).

My go to process is to drop the hints of your sexuality, better if you are in a relationship. Just casually say something about your bf, or say how hot a guy from the office is. Sonner or later she'll ask you the infamous "but, are you gay?" And that will lead to an unconfortable conversation.

Eventually she'll get over it, without being directly rejected, if you don't act like you acknowledge her crush, and keep you as a friend (or so has happened to me with some female friends).

But; If she doesn't know you are gay or you have a partner, you aren't still close enough for it to be a catastrophe.

That' my experience at least. Hope it helps.

 

[auspoz]

Ok. It’s not the 80s or 90s anymore. Believe me. It was harder then. Have you not mentioned your partner at all? Why? These days wouldn’t matter if it was a man or woman. Just talk about yourself as a coupled person. And if you aren’t, ask yourself why. I feel for Julia here.

 

[MrTMT]

I don't have advice as this wasn't happened to me, but I know of a guy who was 100% gay mentioned this happened to him. I knew him casually, mostly got together with him for blowjobs.
He was an elementary school teacher and a mother of one of his students had a crush on him, even send him written letter indicating her desire of him. He showed me the letter and asked me how he should deal with it. I didn't know what to tell him, no sure whatever he did, he got out of that.

 

[3403861]

Just a reminded: you don’t have to reveal your sexuality to someone just to reject them. It’s none of their business. You’re simply not interested that’s all.

Contrary to popular belief lots of attractive STRAIGHT men REJECT the sexual advances of women every day.
Particularly the str8 guys who take care of themselves by going to the gym. They don’t give women any explanations, they simply crush their hopes by saying “no thanks.”

You can/should do the same.

Best wishes

 

[MelbBoy99]

I've been there before a couple of times. Don't know why, always have been girls the ones who have a crush on me (damn it!).

My go to process is to drop the hints of your sexuality, better if you are in a relationship. Just casually say something about your bf, or say how hot a guy from the office is. Sonner or later she'll ask you the infamous "but, are you gay?" And that will lead to an unconfortable conversation.

Eventually she'll get over it, without being directly rejected, if you don't act like you acknowledge her crush, and keep you as a friend (or so has happened to me with some female friends).

But; If she doesn't know you are gay or you have a partner, you aren't still close enough for it to be a catastrophe.

That' my experience at least. Hope it helps.

Haha, yeah that's the way it works. Never the guy who has the crush.

Thanks for the advice, but unfortunately I'd rather my workmates not know that I swing this way, at least for now. My work environment is still set in its ways and others who have made it known are treated pretty poorly. But yes, that is a good way of doing it. As far as she knows, I'm single and straight. Thanks again

Ok. It’s not the 80s or 90s anymore. Believe me. It was harder then. Have you not mentioned your partner at all? Why? These days wouldn’t matter if it was a man or woman. Just talk about yourself as a coupled person. And if you aren’t, ask yourself why. I feel for Julia here.

It wouldn't have been easy all those years ago, we've come a long way thankfully. Unfortunately my workplace is still set in the 80s. The company tries to promote inclusion, but it is met with ridicule and not taken seriously. No, I haven't mentioned my partner. Very few people outside of work know, and I doubt anyone at work does. If they do, they haven't brought it up in conversation. Believe me, I feel for Julia too. Thanks for the advice

I don't have advice as this wasn't happened to me, but I know of a guy who was 100% gay mentioned this happened to him. I knew him casually, mostly got together with him for blowjobs.
He was an elementary school teacher and a mother of one of his students had a crush on him, even send him written letter indicating her desire of him. He showed me the letter and asked me how he should deal with it. I didn't know what to tell him, no sure whatever he did, he got out of that.

Wow, would've been nice to know how he handled the situation. Especially as a teacher, I would assume it's a very fine line in what he can say. Luckily you were close with him

Just a reminded: you don’t have to reveal your sexuality to someone just to reject them. It’s none of their business. You’re simply not interested that’s all.

Contrary to popular belief lots of attractive STRAIGHT men REJECT the sexual advances of women every day.
Particularly the str8 guys who take care of themselves by going to the gym. They don’t give women any explanations, they simply crush their hopes by saying “no thanks.”

You can/should do the same.

Best wishes

That's very true, there isn't a need to bring it up. It would be difficult to validate the reason of having a partner without mentioning that detail, that's the only thing. It would be easier, in one sense, to simply say I'm not interested - sometimes the most obvious solution is the simplest. That's also true, they're pretty crushing but to the point.

Thanks for the help mate, I appreciate it <3

 

[Hippie Hollow Girl]

Hum, I am trying to put some thought in what I would do if I were in your situation. I think I would just keep treating everyone well .....treating everyone the same. Avoid any extra affection if it is at all possible. Just tell people whatever you want them to know.

 

[deleted18388141]

it happenned to me
and when i told her i was gay
oh boy
she became evil! lol i doono why

 

[halcyondays]

My first concern is that I'm not leading someone on. When I suspected women from work (I'm retired) had taken a shine to me--paying me way too much attention--I would say, "You know I'm seeing someone, right?"

I wouldn't say who or even what sex. If asked who I would say "no one you know." When asked if I was gay I always replied with "who wants to know" or what "makes you think I'm gay?" Any further prying would get a reply of "mind your own business." In a pleasant tone with a smile, mind you.

This was always easy for me because I lived by a rule not to date people I work with closely. So like no one from the same department or on the same floor. Rule: keep close workmates platonic. I have violated that rule but only with those who are temporarily close.

I'm not gay but as a single man--never married--people often assume I am. That old stereotype refuses to die.


It is possible she's only interested in being friends. That happens. The fact that she hasn't asked if you're seeing someone makes me think that might be the case. Yet there are women who prefer the "friends first" strategy.

You can also distance yourself by controlling how much time you spend together like you do with any other platonic friend. If you can't or don't want to hang out at a specific time just say so. Say we'll do it another time. You have other friends, other plans, other activities or need alone time or just don't feel like it. Whatever.

 

[deleted18388141]

My first concern is that I'm not leading someone on. When I suspected women from work (I'm retired) had taken a shine to me--paying me way too much attention--I would say, "You know I'm seeing someone, right?"

I wouldn't say who or even what sex. If asked who I would say "no one you know." When asked if I was gay I always replied with "who wants to know" or what "makes you think I'm gay?" Any further prying would get a reply of "mind your own business." In a pleasant tone with a smile, mind you.

This was always easy for me because I lived by a rule not to date people I work with closely. So like no one from the same department or on the same floor. Rule: keep close workmates platonic. I have violated that rule but only with those who are temporarily close.

I'm not gay but as a single man--never married--people often assume I am. That old stereotype refuses to die.


It is possible she's only interested in being friends. That happens. The fact that she hasn't asked if you're seeing someone makes me think that might be the case. Yet there are women who prefer the "friends first" strategy.

You can also distance yourself by controlling how much time you spend together like you do with any other platonic friend. If you can't or don't want to hang out at a specific time just say so. Say we'll do it another time. You have other friends, other plans, other activities or need alone time or just don't feel like it. Whatever.

I like what you say
I personally tried this many times and it does work normally but sometimes, there is that person who hate that you dared to say no lol
but your advice is great

 

[bravesoldier]

I had this happen at work with a lady security officer. She was a lot younger than me which made me feel really good, but that part doesn't really matter. Each time I'd see her she'd really pour on the affection and compliments. Sometimes she'd say in the presence of others I was the best-looking guy at the plant. She did and said things like this often which I must admit was flattering. Then came the winter day near Christmas she stopped me in the parking lot and said she wanted to show me what she wanted for Christmas. She opened a picture on her phone and showed me a picture of a large cock. I don't remember my exact response as I was really taken aback. She later asked if I had a girlfriend and of course I said yes, which I do not. It was on that day I saw a look of resolve come across her face.

Flattered I was, but glad it was over.

 

[giselle.xoxo]

Hi everyone, I’ve been here for a while, but this is my second post.

I’m after some advice. I’ve ran into a tricky situation at work recently. This girl, who we’ll call Julia, has become really affectionate and close with me in the last couple of months. From just saying good morning to each other, to now making plans for the weekend and catching up outside of work. We’ve all had crushes before and know the happiness kept inside when you’re around them, but of course, sometimes it spills out and becomes obvious; Julia makes it pretty obvious. Other work colleagues have also noticed this and have mentioned it to me. To be honest, I’m shocked and flattered, but there’s an issue. I’m a gay man and am in a relationship. I’ve thought this over, and have mentioned it to my other half, but I can’t plan a scenario that will end well for the both of us, mainly her. If we didn’t work together it wouldn’t be a big problem, but the last thing I want to do is create an awkward working environment. She’s a great girl and I really enjoy being around her, but I can’t be in a relationship with her. I’ve been rejected before, so I understand the heartbreak, but there has to be a way of doing it ‘gently’. I’m fully aware that the longer this goes on, the harder it will be.

Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. Cheers

Why can't you just tell her you're gay or show her a picture of you and your boyfriend?

 

[Rkz26]

I had this situation before in a previous job a few years ago. Woman took a liking to me but I was a bit oblivious and it was only when a good friend of mine that worked there asked me did she know I was gay as she was asking around if I had a gf.

I was always pretty private at work about my life outside the office, including my sexuality. It was a bit uncomfortable after that and I struggled with should I just tell her I was gay or just ignore it. Looking back, I wished I had told her. I ended up moving jobs and city without saying and she still calls me every few months for a catch up. I feel bad as we have kinda strayed into a friendship without me ever telling her and the longer I have known her, the more difficult it is to say, oh btw, I am gay. In saying that, we a due to meet up when I am back in that city in a few weeks for work and I plan to tell her.

So my advice would be to tell her you are gay and in a relationship but you think she is great and would love to hang out as friends. That way you are letting her down without saying you are not interested in her as a person.

 

[deleted16577781]

I have no advice but oje, she sounds like she moves in very quick.. boundary problems.. both of you... but I get how these things can seem 'friendly' then one realises 'gone to far now'...

some good advice up above me....

next time you are asked to 'do something'... whatever.... just say 'I need to check with my partner'... that means it is pretty 'genderless' right at the start and then, she can say ?? she/he???

my main experience has been a female friend and because of my weakness, she knew I was gay, in not saying 'no'.... gave her the opportunity to think 'oh, he really likes me and we can do stuff together' and before you know it - me without a partner at that time - we are hanging out like an old married couple.... after thirty some years I've finally learned to not say anything/do anything that means she can turn it into more and it is a horror and all because I had weak boundaries myself and couldn't/wouldn't say 'NO'.... I have watched her sneakily ask if I am busy and once I say No, then she moves in for the kill. When I look back we have had some great times and friends together but it I mainly because of my own inability to say 'no'. but working together creates another set of problems...

Good luck!!

 

[MelbBoy99]

Hum, I am trying to put some thought in what I would do if I were in your situation. I think I would just keep treating everyone well .....treating everyone the same. Avoid any extra affection if it is at all possible. Just tell people whatever you want them to know.

So far, that's what I've been trying to do. Trying to keep it a strictly work friendship

My first concern is that I'm not leading someone on. When I suspected women from work (I'm retired) had taken a shine to me--paying me way too much attention--I would say, "You know I'm seeing someone, right?"

I wouldn't say who or even what sex. If asked who I would say "no one you know." When asked if I was gay I always replied with "who wants to know" or what "makes you think I'm gay?" Any further prying would get a reply of "mind your own business." In a pleasant tone with a smile, mind you.

This was always easy for me because I lived by a rule not to date people I work with closely. So like no one from the same department or on the same floor. Rule: keep close workmates platonic. I have violated that rule but only with those who are temporarily close.

I'm not gay but as a single man--never married--people often assume I am. That old stereotype refuses to die.


It is possible she's only interested in being friends. That happens. The fact that she hasn't asked if you're seeing someone makes me think that might be the case. Yet there are women who prefer the "friends first" strategy.

You can also distance yourself by controlling how much time you spend together like you do with any other platonic friend. If you can't or don't want to hang out at a specific time just say so. Say we'll do it another time. You have other friends, other plans, other activities or need alone time or just don't feel like it. Whatever.

That's very fair, I try to not lead anyone on. Hopefully it works. That's a path to follow, there's no need to lead on too much I suppose. Thanks for the advice.
She's definitely want to be friends, as she's always wanting to make plans for the weekend. It might be best to see how it all plays out.

I had this happen at work with a lady security officer. She was a lot younger than me which made me feel really good, but that part doesn't really matter. Each time I'd see her she'd really pour on the affection and compliments. Sometimes she'd say in the presence of others I was the best-looking guy at the plant. She did and said things like this often which I must admit was flattering. Then came the winter day near Christmas she stopped me in the parking lot and said she wanted to show me what she wanted for Christmas. She opened a picture on her phone and showed me a picture of a large cock. I don't remember my exact response as I was really taken aback. She later asked if I had a girlfriend and of course I said yes, which I do not. It was on that day I saw a look of resolve come across her face.

Flattered I was, but glad it was over.

Sounds like the same thing here brother. Expect I haven't been shown a picture of a dick yet aha. Looks like you handled it well, but yeah it must be a relief when it's over

Why can't you just tell her you're gay or show her a picture of you and your boyfriend?

I like to keep my personal life as far away from work as possible. I'm just there to do my job and leave. My industry is still stuck in the dark ages and doesn't have a lot of time for same-sex relationships. And word spreads quickly

I had this situation before in a previous job a few years ago. Woman took a liking to me but I was a bit oblivious and it was only when a good friend of mine that worked there asked me did she know I was gay as she was asking around if I had a gf.

I was always pretty private at work about my life outside the office, including my sexuality. It was a bit uncomfortable after that and I struggled with should I just tell her I was gay or just ignore it. Looking back, I wished I had told her. I ended up moving jobs and city without saying and she still calls me every few months for a catch up. I feel bad as we have kinda strayed into a friendship without me ever telling her and the longer I have known her, the more difficult it is to say, oh btw, I am gay. In saying that, we a due to meet up when I am back in that city in a few weeks for work and I plan to tell her.

So my advice would be to tell her you are gay and in a relationship but you think she is great and would love to hang out as friends. That way you are letting her down without saying you are not interested in her as a person.

Let us know how you go with telling her. I'm definitely interested in hearing how it goes. She really must've been interested in you if she was asking around behind your back.
As much as i'm delaying it, I think it's best to eventually let her know how it is. I'd love to have her as a friend and keep hanging out, but the longer it goes on the deeper the hole is getting

I have no advice but oje, she sounds like she moves in very quick.. boundary problems.. both of you... but I get how these things can seem 'friendly' then one realises 'gone to far now'...

some good advice up above me....

next time you are asked to 'do something'... whatever.... just say 'I need to check with my partner'... that means it is pretty 'genderless' right at the start and then, she can say ?? she/he???

my main experience has been a female friend and because of my weakness, she knew I was gay, in not saying 'no'.... gave her the opportunity to think 'oh, he really likes me and we can do stuff together' and before you know it - me without a partner at that time - we are hanging out like an old married couple.... after thirty some years I've finally learned to not say anything/do anything that means she can turn it into more and it is a horror and all because I had weak boundaries myself and couldn't/wouldn't say 'NO'.... I have watched her sneakily ask if I am busy and once I say No, then she moves in for the kill. When I look back we have had some great times and friends together but it I mainly because of my own inability to say 'no'. but working together creates another set of problems...

Good luck!!

Yeah she's definitely a fast mover, I've been taken aback a few times. I like to think I've got good boundaries, but she's broken them! Maybe the boundaries are only good with guys aha.
How did you go with that female friend? I assume you eventually put an end to it.
Yeah, the working together part worries me. I love my job and the people I work with, but I don't want her to take it the wrong way and result in an unhealthy workplace. I know she'll be upset, but people handle these things differently. Thanks for the advice

 

[deleted16577781]

"you boundaries are only good with guys".. interesting observation and maybe it is true !!! ???
My female friend... it is complicated is all I can say and right now, we live in different countries, I would say it is more my problem now than hers... but I've learned to handle her differently...
She say: "I'm coming over your way and might pop in!"
Me: fuck no. oh shit.. not saying this out allowed of course.. I'm a nice guy.. Phewy.. I panicked.. omg... but in the end.. I thought "you know what! I will wait until I hear from her and deal with it when and if it happens". as of this typing, I've not heard from her.
My on going biggest mistakes hahahaha was dumping her on FB and then feeling 'guilty' or 'nice' or 'its ok now'.. I became FB friends.. no no no... do not go back .. that let her in again....

But, back to you..
1. you have a partner and he is the main person;
2. you have to, you must.. make it clear for your sanity.. that you are gay and go from there >> 3;
3. I realised that you are in a double bind actually, the gay man double bind... "I have a partner I must consult" and then the question comes "partner?" "Yes, he!" Then you are confirming "I'm gay and with a man" all in one go and that can be heavy... out or not... until it is said a few times and you are used to it.
but
4. Maybe? you can say "I just want to share with you that I am gay and in a relationship with a wonderful man but I'm not out at work yet and would like that to be kept secret" !!!!!!

But you may not want an unhealthy work experience but if she is a 'secret' narcissistic bitch', then you are in trouble anyway...

but surely there are times when you are saying "no, I'm going out with my partner tonight"...
surely you don't have to give everything away all at once..

How do you know she will be upset?
She has either guessed that you are gay or she really is naive...

maybe I shared here or elsewhere on lpsg that a good friend at secondary school... we never talked about our 'sexual preference' at school and then some 35 years later it comes into our conversation and he says 'I always knew but it never worried me because I liked you as a friend'... I was blown away... he is/was straight... just never had an ongoing relationship after a messed up one....

so you have to give credence that 'some' people 'no stuff'....

again.. good luck!!!!

 

[MelbBoy99]

"you boundaries are only good with guys".. interesting observation and maybe it is true !!! ???
My female friend... it is complicated is all I can say and right now, we live in different countries, I would say it is more my problem now than hers... but I've learned to handle her differently...
She say: "I'm coming over your way and might pop in!"
Me: fuck no. oh shit.. not saying this out allowed of course.. I'm a nice guy.. Phewy.. I panicked.. omg... but in the end.. I thought "you know what! I will wait until I hear from her and deal with it when and if it happens". as of this typing, I've not heard from her.
My on going biggest mistakes hahahaha was dumping her on FB and then feeling 'guilty' or 'nice' or 'its ok now'.. I became FB friends.. no no no... do not go back .. that let her in again....

But, back to you..
1. you have a partner and he is the main person;
2. you have to, you must.. make it clear for your sanity.. that you are gay and go from there >> 3;
3. I realised that you are in a double bind actually, the gay man double bind... "I have a partner I must consult" and then the question comes "partner?" "Yes, he!" Then you are confirming "I'm gay and with a man" all in one go and that can be heavy... out or not... until it is said a few times and you are used to it.
but
4. Maybe? you can say "I just want to share with you that I am gay and in a relationship with a wonderful man but I'm not out at work yet and would like that to be kept secret" !!!!!!

But you may not want an unhealthy work experience but if she is a 'secret' narcissistic bitch', then you are in trouble anyway...

but surely there are times when you are saying "no, I'm going out with my partner tonight"...
surely you don't have to give everything away all at once..

How do you know she will be upset?
She has either guessed that you are gay or she really is naive...

maybe I shared here or elsewhere on lpsg that a good friend at secondary school... we never talked about our 'sexual preference' at school and then some 35 years later it comes into our conversation and he says 'I always knew but it never worried me because I liked you as a friend'... I was blown away... he is/was straight... just never had an ongoing relationship after a messed up one....

so you have to give credence that 'some' people 'no stuff'....

again.. good luck!!!!

Thanks for the great reply. When I say my boundaries are good with guys, I mean I have no trouble letting them know I'm with someone and not looking for anyone else. Usually if we're going out for the night, not at work.

Ah man, must be difficult living in different countries. That's fair, if you wait for her and she brings it up, then that's a good time. I understand what you mean by dumping her on FB, it sounds harsh but then there's less chance of anything happening.

It would be ideal to go with point 4. Hopefully she likes me enough to understand I'm not that way inclined and to keep it to herself. We'll always remain friends, no issue there.

You're right, there are times where my partner and I will be going out and she wants to make plans for the same day, but all I say is, "sorry, I'm catching up with a mate".

I think she'll be upset. It's not a rejection because I don't like her or I don't think she's attractive (she's stunning), it's because of factors beyond my control. I like that, "it never worried me because I like you as a friend", that's what a true friend is. To be honest, I don't believe I'm the 'stereotypical' gay guy. I work on cars, love motorbike riding, play AFL, and am no way flamboyant, and don't believe I come across as 'that way'. So me being gay might not be a thought.

Thank you again for your great advice. I'm giving myself a deadline to let her know by the end of this month. The longer it goes on the worse the outcome it will be for both of us - maybe

 

[tabana]

I'm sorry I don't know what is the best way for you to tell her but you must and as soon as you can before it becomes even more difficult both for you and for her (to get over you).

The biggest problem that I see is that she might (and is probably) misinterpret(ing) any kind of attention that you give her as mixed signals/a confirmation that you also have feelings for her but... and she's probably finding ways to rationalise why things aren't moving fast enough the way she wants them.

I see people on social media warning that if you're getting mixed feelings, it just means your crush is not into you. It's like a cliché at this point but so many still respond in surprise. We see what we want to see and she's likely spinning the story into some elaborate romance which will get wilder unless you put a stop to it.
Good luck!

 

[Stephenmass]

I'm already in a relationship should be your response, nothing further. She doesn't need to know your partner is male unless you want her to know, etc. You could mention you would still love to be friends, but you are already taken.

 

[MelbBoy99]

I'm sorry I don't know what is the best way for you to tell her but you must and as soon as you can before it becomes even more difficult both for you and for her (to get over you).

The biggest problem that I see is that she might (and is probably) misinterpret(ing) any kind of attention that you give her as mixed signals/a confirmation that you also have feelings for her but... and she's probably finding ways to rationalise why things aren't moving fast enough the way she wants them.

I see people on social media warning that if you're getting mixed feelings, it just means your crush is not into you. It's like a cliché at this point but so many still respond in surprise. We see what we want to see and she's likely spinning the story into some elaborate romance which will get wilder unless you put a stop to it.
Good luck!

Thanks brother for the great reply. I think you've pretty much summed up the whole situation in the second paragraph. I try to avoid attention, but I don't want to come across as a dick. But yeah, I think she's at the stage of "is he interested or not?", because she is coming on stronger than before.

Again you're spot on in the last sentence. I will tell her this week, maybe on Friday or the weekend and definitely not at work. My partner suggested taking her out to dinner and having a nice night out, then at the end of the night, tell her how it is. Personally I think it's one of those situations that when the time is right, you'll know within yourself

I'm already in a relationship should be your response, nothing further. She doesn't need to know your partner is male unless you want her to know, etc. You could mention you would still love to be friends, but you are already taken.

That's the easiest and simply way, I agree; but, maybe I'm overthinking things. If I say I'm already in a relationship with no further info, she might begin to doubt whether or not it's true. I like to think I can trust her enough to tell her I'm with another guy, but, you never know. Definitely would love to remain friends, she's great to be around