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Advice..

Discussion in 'Ask a Gay Man' started by Solotraveler89, Jul 1, 2018.

  1. Solotraveler89

    Solotraveler89 Well-Liked Member

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    So, I have an issue but just to give you some background info..

    Im a closeted guy in my 20s, have no gay friends (as far as i know at least).

    I recently met and became close friends with an amazing couple (straight). But I have started developing feelings for the guy. It sucks because both him and his gf have become really close friends. Neither of them know im gay obviously, and at this point im not sure what to do.

    Hope someone can give me some advice.
     
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  2. Rockhard76

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    Oh man that's being between a rock and a hard place,
    I'd say leave well alone, it will all end in tears, sorry!
     
  3. Silbot.

    Silbot. Loved Member

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    You'll only end up losing here, if you say anything. Nothing you can do about it, so do the right thing and move on.
     
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  4. Solotraveler89

    Solotraveler89 Well-Liked Member

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    Yes I guess I just need to move on somehow. Or try to get over my feelings for him without ruining our friendship.

    Thanks guy.
     
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  5. Solotraveler89

    Solotraveler89 Well-Liked Member

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  6. 1141702

    1141702 Guest

    Yep, don’t act on that, it will lead to pain.
     
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  7. aries303

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    This isn't a straight/gay thing. It can happen, sometimes you develop a thing for someone. Sometimes its a crush - it's hard to have love with someone who doesn't feel the same way in mutually in return. If he's straight it's not mutual and will never be. He's taken. Out of respect for your friends, I wouldn't say anything. No moral obligation to confess your feelings. When you're in your 20s - everything makes you horny, you'll have tons of friends who are hot. You can have emotional connections with friends that aren't sexual or relationship oriented - those are fine, but you have to have an understanding of what platonic affection is. And some people are just unattainable and off the market and once you make that distinction, your feelings for him will probably follow in line. You'll only hurt yourself and friendships chasing after the unattainable.
     
  8. chancesare

    chancesare Well-Liked Member

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    There is nothing you can do. Do not act on your feelings. Rember he is off limits and focus your energies on other people. Be happy that he is a friend and remember that friendship in itself is a powerful connection that lasts longer than most romantic relationships.
     
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  9. Solotraveler89

    Solotraveler89 Well-Liked Member

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    Thank you @aries303 and @chancesare that was actually very well said and put things into prespective.
     
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  10. hvdude

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    First, if they are good friends and you feel comfortable you should tell them you're gay. Again, only if that feels right for you. As for your feelings, I agree with what everyone else said - you'd risk losing them as friends. Sometimes we want the house that's sold....
     
  11. Solotraveler89

    Solotraveler89 Well-Liked Member

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    The thing is I've never come out to anyone, even though Im in my late 20's. So that on its own is a big step. But i think i will come out to them because I know theyll be supportive. I am working on getting over the guy by keeping myself busy with other stuff. Ive also been jerking off a lot more lately which is weird. Not sure if thats related.
     
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  12. Nudistpig

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    OK. One, this is a couple. Your attraction to the man is understandable you got close in a way that you may have avoided in the past not knowing it, and it was not something you planned or even know about. That said, your feelings are secondary here, what is important as the friend of the couple is to not interfere with their love life.

    Ignoring this or doing other things will not make it go away. It will also make the relationship with them weird. I suggest you speak to the wife first. It is a big step and it will feel terrifying beforehand. I fell in love with a straight floormate in uni second year and it was tears for two weeks and then telling one friend who told the floor. Our friendship dissolved but the larger group was fracturing as well, alcohol was a factor and there were other personal issues, so it wasn't entirely me being gay. He was also very ashamed because he grew up in NYC around gay men and put it on for me because he was comfy with me, and realized he sent me signals that were not accurate (declarations of love, hand holding out of the blue only the once, but I come from a place where intimacy is rare and male intimacy non extant). I was crushed but the apocalypse that I predicted did not happen.

    Meet with her and tell her you want her advice. Say you have developed a crush on a man you know and it threw you for a loop what does she think?

    1) If she says "my husband" well, the door is already open a bit. If she is excited that may mean a number of things. If she is mad, then the friendship is having a rough patch at least.

    2) If she goes full homophobia or even part, that is your cue that these are not friends you want.

    3) If she listens and offers advice and it seems cool you may tell or may not. Coming out happens over years. The sooner you do it, the better for you.This issue will not stop surfacing and it cannot be ignored without consequence.

    You will not lose many friends over this, and you will gain some too. Family is handling it as they will, again it isn't their business to critique or complain but you owe them nothing in terms of your person if there is bigoted remarks. Being gay is a gift, and it has been a long trip to get me here. To be able to openly live as the man I am, nude (nudist) in any company and to be able to be happy and proud of the man I am and who I love and the sex I have is priceless. I nearly died of the depression that the closet left me. It's cumulative. Also, some of them do know. Just saying.

    You can PM me if you have questions or concerns.
     
  13. hypolimnas

    hypolimnas Loved Member

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    Once you start coming out possibilities with other people will expand too. You will feel a weight lifting from you. Your life will become richer with other guys too.
     
  14. Nudistpig

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    It is a straight gay thing because he has said he feels love as a gay man closeted as a straight man for a coupled straight man. I would support the person's self analysis instead of brushing it away. What you are saying is true in a philosophical sense, but the closet isn't a structure that allows for the kind of realization you are suggesting he should have. You are rightly pointing out the relationship is pre-existing and that is important, but the rest is a real attempt to diminish the feelings he has and that isn't going to be productive in my experience of almost the same thing. Gay men have long been accused of not really loving or only having crushes. Also, not knowing the situation, it is possible the couple isn't exclusive, and is into threesomes. His reaction could equally be because of that (I don't think so, but hey).

    Telling him to bury it and not talk about it at all is in my opinion terrible advice. Basically, stay in the closet, and wait until you understand the rules I laid out here to really fall in love. How is he going to learn the skills if he isn't able to practice them because he is in the closet? You can't develop healthy relationships when there is a major issue not being addressed. The repression of the emotions is classic male coping mechanism and it is a terrible one that I myself suffered greatly from. Increased masturbation as a response to the repression is an attempt to physically mitigate the pain that is being sublimated.

    The best advice for anyone in the closet when they are considering coming out in a place where they are not going to be murdered or beaten badly is to come out. Holding up the process is never a good idea. However, that is still his choice and he will make it when ready and with the results it has.
     
  15. 1250563

    1250563 Guest

    Its 2018 if your still in the closet how long are you gonna let people continue to dictate ur happiness? Now you regressed into having an obessession with ur straight friend? Are u hoping he harbors these same hidden feelings? Do u want to break up their happiness because u arent? Live your life bro
     
  16. zaynmlk1626

    zaynmlk1626 Legendary Member

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    well if you feel comfortable coming out to them and you think that they are going to be supportive then do it, you will feel very liberated telling them. just don't do it because you have a crush on the guy, this is going to be a huge mistake. the guy is obviously straight having a girlfriend, you don't have a chance with him, the woman will be pissed and they will cut you off. you're just going to lose these friends. just move on, try meeting and dating other guys and some day you'll find the perfect one for you.
     
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  17. Nudistpig

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    Dude that's harsh. And uncalled for. No one is saying break up a couple. And the reality is the couple breaks up because they choose to. There are many who stay the line. Of course it's wrong to insert youself into a couple but that's not what he's saying. Nowhere do I suggest long term closet life. What if the dude is gay? I have a bud who found out the man he loved in hs and who got married was gay. Found out in his obituary. People fall in love. But nothing suggests obsession. My first Bf was straight before me and after me. My straight buds mostly ended up having sex with me on their overture.

    It's bizarre to see a gay man arguing vehemently for hetero-normative values using 1950s era stereotypes of gayness.
     
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  18. Solotraveler89

    Solotraveler89 Well-Liked Member

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    @Nudistpig thank you so much for taking the time to write out that reply. I appreciate it. I will be sending you a PM and hopefully hear more of your stories.
     
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  19. 1250563

    1250563 Guest

    Tough love, and they def aren’t 100% straight if their fucking a man. I also don’t know where you assumed I was stereotyping its just clear projection. But i guess this delusion is why we have a hyper obbsession with heteros in the gay community ‍♂️ How long is he gonna live for others? 10 yrs from now his straight friend will be happy and married what will he have to show for it? My words are encouragment not to berate him
     
  20. Nudistpig

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    What you don't know. This is 100% wrong.
     
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