Being friends with an ex?

[JCEO]

Have you ever met a potential boyfriend who insists on reamaning "friends" with their ex? He still sees and hangs out with the ex on a daily basis and tells you he " doesn't care if you're uncomfortable with it, they were here before you. Stop being insecure"
but can you really be " just friends" with someone you had a sexual relationship with?

 

[LPSG Simon]

Absolutely! Some not, but that's between the person and their ex.

I'll toss up a counter point: Sometimes people evolve (do you want to be with someone who never changes?). Sometimes this means you grow out of being romantic partners and things are amicable. Toss in that this person occupied a huge part of your life and has a massive role in your story in who you are and have become. If there wasn't some awful thing that made them one of you not want to have anything to do with the other, then why waste all of that because being romantic and / or sexual isnt serving the connection anymore? To quote Kathy Bates in Misery: "That would be like junking a Mercedes because it has a broken spring".

What is there to be uncomfortable with about that? Just because someone is your ex does not mean you have to be estranged from them or have to spit on them in the street. IMO it's completely unfair to demand that a new partner change their friends (red flag!!). If some of those people happen to be past partners, then thats the way they came to us.

I think that if someone is friends with their exes it's actually a good thing:

- It shows the person has a level of integrity and emotional maturity via a demonstrated ability to constructively overcome conflict. Likely they are accepting of people despite lots of other complexities that might not jive with them. Live and let live.

- It shows that they are likely not jealous and insecure (red flags!).

- It shows that they are someone who values people and prioritizes important relationships in their life. You're important too, but in terms of long-game, it's something that has to be earned.

Personally, it's something I actually look for and score in a new person's favour. What makes me want to run are the ones who arent friends with any of them, have nothing but bad things to say about them, and demand like your own never happened. Jealousy is toxic as hell. Everyone experiences it, but how the person handles it, and the things they do to value (or de-value) others who have been close to them are extremely telling.

 

[JCEO]

Absolutely! Some not, but that's between the person and their ex.

I'll toss up a counter point: Sometimes people evolve (do you want to be with someone who never changes?). Sometimes this means you grow out of being romantic partners and things are amicable. Toss in that this person occupied a huge part of your life and has a massive role in your story in who you are and have become. If there wasn't some awful thing that made them one of you not want to have anything to do with the other, then why waste all of that because being romantic and / or sexual isnt serving the connection anymore? To quote Kathy Bates in Misery: "That would be like junking a Mercedes because it has a broken spring".

What is there to be uncomfortable with about that? Just because someone is your ex does not mean you have to be estranged from them or have to spit on them in the street. IMO it's completely unfair to demand that a new partner change their friends (red flag!!). If some of those people happen to be past partners, then thats the way they came to us.

I think that if someone is friends with their exes it's actually a good thing:

- It shows the person has a level of integrity and emotional maturity via a demonstrated ability to constructively overcome conflict. Likely they are accepting of people despite lots of other complexities that might not jive with them. Live and let live.

- It shows that they are likely not jealous and insecure (red flags!).

- It shows that they are someone who values people and prioritizes important relationships in their life. You're important too, but in terms of long-game, it's something that has to be earned.

Personally, it's something I actually look for and score in a new person's favour. What makes me want to run are the ones who arent friends with any of them, have nothing but bad things to say about them, and demand like your own never happened. Jealousy is toxic as hell. Everyone experiences it, but how the person handles it, and the things they do to value (or de-value) others who have been close to them are extremely telling.

Nobody said you have to have animosity or spit on your ex in the street lol. I agree it shows maturity if you can end a relationship amibically, and I can be cordial with you, but I'm not going out of my way to keep you in my life if the relationship is done. I have plenty of platonic friends that I would insist on keeping before an ex. To me the real insecure one is the person who can't let go of a previous relationship to the point of cutting any new relationships. It says to me you might have codependency issues.

 

[LPSG Simon]

Nobody said you have to have animosity or spit on your ex in the street lol.

Bit of hyperbole there to make fun of those who do.

Why is it insecure to keep someone around who's already proven they deserve a place in your life? (and who's to say they're not platonic at this point?). Lots of people have dated their friends on the way to getting to be friends with them. Heck, if a we had to cut out every friend we'd taken a detour down that road with, some of us wouldn't have any friends around at all. lol

That's a big price to pay for someone who just came along, especially when they haven't done anything to confirm whatever it is that makes this a problem for you. Nobody wants their partner choosing their friends (and let's face it: chosen family) for them.

I guess if I could give you any advice here it would be to take a step back, and ask yourself is this is something you can learn from, or if it's an irreconcilable difference and move on.

 

[JCEO]

Bit of hyperbole there to make fun of those who do.

Why is it insecure to keep someone around who's already proven they deserve a place in your life? (and who's to say they're not platonic at this point?). Lots of people have dated their friends on the way to getting to be friends with them. Heck, if a we had to cut out every friend we'd taken a detour down that road with, some of us wouldn't have any friends around at all. lol

That's a big price to pay for someone who just came along, especially when they haven't done anything to confirm whatever it is that makes this a problem for you. Nobody wants their partner choosing their friends (and let's face it: chosen family) for them.

I guess if I could give you any advice here it would be to take a step back, and ask yourself is this is something you can learn from, or if it's an irreconcilable difference and move on.Unless you have a child with that person why keep them around? When you keep your past in your present you leave no room for your future to arrive.

Bit of hyperbole there to make fun of those who do.

Why is it insecure to keep someone around who's already proven they deserve a place in your life? (and who's to say they're not platonic at this point?). Lots of people have dated their friends on the way to getting to be friends with them. Heck, if a we had to cut out every friend we'd taken a detour down that road with, some of us wouldn't have any friends around at all. lol

That's a big price to pay for someone who just came along, especially when they haven't done anything to confirm whatever it is that makes this a problem for you. Nobody wants their partner choosing their friends (and let's face it: chosen family) for them.

I guess if I could give you any advice here it would be to take a step back, and ask yourself is this is something you can learn from, or if it's an irreconcilable difference and move on.

I hear what your saying bro but its really not Jealousy and I don't want to pick your friends
However, i think that's an awkward position to place a new boyfriend or girlfriend in.

Like who really wants to sign themselves up for that level awkwardness. Not many people


I know I wouldn't sign myself up to that, if a Lady was still "friends" with her Ex-Boyfriend. Like they're still in contact with each other, having intimate conversations.

Like nah.
I'm not down with none of that.

And Regardless of the reason broken up, technically your actions says I wasn’t good enough for you to continue a relationship with and technically now demoted to friend. Why be friends with someone that looks at you like that. O they like u as a friend but not enough to be in a relationship with. Yea ok. And another thing is how can you be friends with someone that had you in 7 positions for 70 minutes. Maybe it’s the Scorpio in me but what if you pop up looking good as hell one day and I’m supposed to believe his mind doesn’t flash back to those sex positions. Friends don’t think about friends like that! We don’t have to be enemies but friends don’t make sense. Cordial sure but that’s it. Ain’t no going back after all the things we did in the bedroom

 

[Brodie888]

I have been with my partner for about 8 years. He is still friends with a few of his ex's.

They all chat with him on messenger and call every few days to chat. Two we'd see on at least a fortnightly basis and another we visit occasionally for long weekend getaways.

When we were first going out, it was difficult because I didn't feel secure in our relationship but as time went by we built that trust.

I admit it's weird being in a room where everyone has fucked your partner.

But to be honest, if your partner wants to cheat, it's easier to find someone on Grindr with less chance of getting found out than an ex who you get see on a regular basis.

In a relationship, you will do your head in if you are worrying about everything. The best approach is to give your partner the trust but always have your eyes open.

If he breaks that trust, deal with it then. Just remember he's with you because he has chosen you. Acting insecure is more likely to become a self fulfilling prophecy if you aren't careful. So don't be your own demise!

 

[winesthel945]

It may differ with different people and their exes, but I think it's generally a sign of a mature and well balanced person if they can remain friendly with an ex. They don't necessarily have to be best friends, but the ability to have a positive relationship with an ex suggests just how long someone might hold a grudge. Certainly if there was abuse or unforgivable behavior, it makes sense that someone may not want to have an ex as a part of their life.

Unfortunately, I think the default position of suspicion that the OP takes suggest more about themselves and maybe how traumatic their breakups have been, or what occurred during those relationships. I don't begrudge someone who doesn't have a good relationship with an ex, or doesn't want to. But to say it's somehow always terrible or should be considered suspicious if someone does... that's a little messed up in my opinion.

 

[Brodie888]

I hear what your saying bro but its really not Jealousy and I don't want to pick your friends
However, i think that's an awkward position to place a new boyfriend or girlfriend in.

Like who really wants to sign themselves up for that level awkwardness. Not many people


I know I wouldn't sign myself up to that, if a Lady was still "friends" with her Ex-Boyfriend. Like they're still in contact with each other, having intimate conversations.

Like nah.
I'm not down with none of that.

And Regardless of the reason broken up, technically your actions says I wasn’t good enough for you to continue a relationship with and technically now demoted to friend. Why be friends with someone that looks at you like that. O they like u as a friend but not enough to be in a relationship with. Yea ok. And another thing is how can you be friends with someone that had you in 7 positions for 70 minutes. Maybe it’s the Scorpio in me but what if you pop up looking good as hell one day and I’m supposed to believe his mind doesn’t flash back to those sex positions. Friends don’t think about friends like that! We don’t have to be enemies but friends don’t make sense. Cordial sure but that’s it. Ain’t no going back after all the things we did in the bedroom

You've made clear what your opinion is and you are entitled to that in the same way your partner is entitled to have his opinion.

The question then becomes, considering your partner says it's absolutely not negotiable, what do you do?

You are either going to have to learn to live with it or find another partner who sees the world the same way.

There's no wrong or right, both are legitimate values but if you both are determined not to accept the others values, then don't waste each other's time. Move on.

 

[deleted1074483]

depending on where you live it may be difficult to avoid these situations - if you live in a small town with a small gay circle its quite often the case that lots of people who hang together have been partners before. It happens here in the UK even in fairly large cities so i'm sure it happens elsewhere.

to an extent you have to accept that its hard to avoid ex's in the gay world unless you're completely non-scene.

personally i have no issue with ex's and am friends with a couple of my ex's still and my current lt bf has met two of them with no issue - but that is because i'm clear with my bf where HE stands in my pecking order of relationships HE is my priority and the one i'll defend if needed with ex's or anyone really and HE is the one i will kiss, and go home with at night - it comes down to Trust and Trust develops by showing and demonstrating to each other day by day.

That said context is everything and being friends with ex's is very dependent on how they are/how you are/how the relationship went/any issues when you broke up/how long you were together etc.

The two ex's i'm still in contact with i was with 7+ years and i truly loved them very deeply and so and our break ups were mutual and for 'good' reasons and i remained friends with both for many years after i met my current bf too so they did morph into the 'just friends' category but clearly we have shared histories which include sexual histories and so there is a degree of closeness you don't necessarily have with other friends. But it is about being clear where they stand currently in your life and making sure you're current partner is aware of that.

I've a ex fb too who does keep messaging about having sex and i don't hide that from my bf and i'm very clear with that ex bf where he stands and that i'm not interested - and i'm happy to show my communications with him with my bf so he knows what is said.

So i don't think there is a clear answer to this question/issue it comes down to individuals involved, the level of trust between partners and context - you just have to find what works in your own relationship?

 

[ohiorod]

I have to admit that I am friends with all of my exes that live in my area. I have one that moved to TX and I haven't heard from him in a few years. Not only that my present partner is friendly with my exes. Some I see a few times a month and another is basically my best friend outside my relationship. I haven't had experiences with exes who have cheated on me; we just mutually decide that our lives are not in sync and that we would make better friends than partners. Very civilized splits, I guess. Maybe I should self disclose that I am also a mental health therapist/ social worker.