Body Image

Dan-A

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As a gay person, I always had the feeling that the pursuit after the perfect body and the worshiping of a certain type of body is much more felt in the gay community.

Four years ago, when I worked in Barcelona, the company I worked for arranged an hotel for my stay. I arrived to the hotel with my luggage and at the entrance there was a big picture hanging of a very attractive guy with abs and very low body fat, wearing a tiny speedo and holing a bottle of vodka with the gay flag on it. Yes, it was a gay hotel apparently, and no, my company didn’t do it on purpose.
It is happy and sad that we, as gays, have the place where we can feel free to be who we are without worrying if someone will look at us in bad eyes. In a better world, I wish we didn’t have to have a special hotel just for us to feel that way. We should feel free to kiss and hold hands and show love everywhere.

But that’s not the topic. The topic is the big picture that was hanging in the entrance of the hotel and in other parts of the lobby. Pictures of guys wearing almost nothing and looking pretty much the same looking like a statue from Greece in the 18th century.
The use of a certain type of body is of course also used in the straight world. If I’ll go to a “regular” hotel I will probably see pictures of skinny girls in a bikini sitting next to the pool or sitting at the beach, holding a mojito and wearing a big straw hat. We should criticize that of course but the main difference is that in the “regular” hotel they are trying to sell you the perfect vacation, and in the gay hotel, they are trying to sell the male body like I just arrived to a dungeon.

I used to be a fat kid. Until the age of 20 I weighed 120kg (around 265 pounds) and then I decided to lose weight. I’m 28 now and I have lost 40 kg (80 pounds). Ever since then the only thing I thought about was how my body looks like, what I eat, how much I run or lift and how I will never have the perfect body. There were times when I used to eat only breakfast and everything I ate after made me feel so bad about myself. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know how to live without hating my body, without hiding it, without putting the perfect body as my main goal. Until now I turn around from the mirror when I get undressed before the shower. Let’s not talk about the beach or the pool that I didn’t visit for years.

“The trouble is it makes me think that sex is for sexy people. And the rest of us can just… give up” – Cucumber. In that episode, they were talking about porn but what is the difference? We see it everywhere; on Grinder that looks like a catalog of Calvin Klein, in parties where everyone dances shirtless and on social media. I’m sure many of you have watched RuPaul’s Drag Race and know the pitcrew and I’m sure I don’t need to add very much to make you think how problematic it is.

When I hear gay men, before the gay parade, saying “I didn’t eat for so long because I need to look at my best on the parade” I know there is a problem.
Please don’t talk with me about health. The fact that someone is bigger doesn’t mean he’s not healthy and if you are not my doctor then you probably don’t know how healthy or unhealthy I am.

I know you might think I’m just a bitter person who can’t handle his problems, which might be true. But don’t get me wrong, I do think abs are great and I don’t think there is something wrong with wanting them. All I say is I want to see variety. different types of bodies shown and accepted as beautiful as others.
There is so much more to say about it but I’m sure that by now you understand my point.
I’ll finish with a quote from Beyonce that we should ask ourselves everyday:

“are you happy with yourself?”
 
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Jaden90

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I think a great number of people, but more specifically gay men, share your feelings on body image. It is part of the 'scene' and gay culture which I have grown to hate as I progressed through my twenties.

Unfortunately I think on some level it is a monster that feeds itself and is a very complex issue linked to self-esteem, along with what we are programmed to consider desirable in our formative years of exposure to adult material which may well have been our first insights into same-sex attraction/sex/relationships.

I do however have huge respect for people that are focused on their fitness and achieve a certain build/look might give them the confidence they need to put themselves out there in any way shape or form. What I can't stand is when people use that against others and body shame them for not wanting that lifestyle.

At age 23 I decided I wanted to lose weight. I'd never had a regular exercise regime before and generally always been relatively average since my mid-teens but had become bigger at that time than I was comfortable with.

Over the course of a year or so I lost around 3 stone which brought me down to around 64KG. I am proud that I did it and managed to keep a regime for that long and people were very complimentary but, did it help my self-esteem issues? Not at all. If anything it made it worse and looking back on it now, I feel it was very unhealthy.

After a move and other life-changing events in my mid-20's, the regime was abandoned and my weight has levelled out again but I'm actually happier now than I was then. I think I have accepted more of myself - hair loss, body hair, shape and stretch marks all included.

I also think that as I withdrew from the gay-nightlife scene and stopped surrounding myself with toxic people, it bothered me less and less.

I'm wondering whether you've seen this interview with Jameela Jamil and Sam Smith talking about body image and self acceptance. Very refreshing to hear a famous queer person talking about it so openly.


P.s. love you for the Beyoncé quote!
 
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DiamondJoe

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Ahhh! Women have had to deal with this idealised, body-perfect shite for centuries!

I am happy with myself. In an odd kinda way I feel sorry for beautiful people; if what they have to trade on is their looks they still have to accept, like anyone who grows older, that those looks will fade. It's about accepting yourself, not seeking validation from others. Sure, if you want a better whatever then go ahead and do it... but don't do it for other people.

Bottom line; don't bother with beauty magazines, they will just make you feel ugly.
 
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Dan-A

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I think a great number of people, but more specifically gay men, share your feelings on body image. It is part of the 'scene' and gay culture which I have grown to hate as I progressed through my twenties.

Unfortunately I think on some level it is a monster that feeds itself and is a very complex issue linked to self-esteem, along with what we are programmed to consider desirable in our formative years of exposure to adult material which may well have been our first insights into same-sex attraction/sex/relationships.

I do however have huge respect for people that are focused on their fitness and achieve a certain build/look might give them the confidence they need to put themselves out there in any way shape or form. What I can't stand is when people use that against others and body shame them for not wanting that lifestyle.

At age 23 I decided I wanted to lose weight. I'd never had a regular exercise regime before and generally always been relatively average since my mid-teens but had become bigger at that time than I was comfortable with.

Over the course of a year or so I lost around 3 stone which brought me down to around 64KG. I am proud that I did it and managed to keep a regime for that long and people were very complimentary but, did it help my self-esteem issues? Not at all. If anything it made it worse and looking back on it now, I feel it was very unhealthy.

After a move and other life-changing events in my mid-20's, the regime was abandoned and my weight has levelled out again but I'm actually happier now than I was then. I think I have accepted more of myself - hair loss, body hair, shape and stretch marks all included.

I also think that as I withdrew from the gay-nightlife scene and stopped surrounding myself with toxic people, it bothered me less and less.

I'm wondering whether you've seen this interview with Jameela Jamil and Sam Smith talking about body image and self acceptance. Very refreshing to hear a famous queer person talking about it so openly.


P.s. love you for the Beyoncé quote!
First of all, thanks for sharing your story! And thank for sharing that video be us I haven’t watched it an I will now!
And I very much agree with what you wrote.
It’s funny to me how we all as a society feel how bad it is to us and still we rather have that feeling than just let it go.
Yes, there are people who love to do sport and so on but it has nothing to with body image and I think they’re not doing it just to look good. It what comes with it but not the main goal.
And I guess that’s the problem, when we put it as a main goal and when we judge others when they don’t.
I’m happy you accepted yourself just as you are! That’s what I have and it’s good enough to serve me here on this planet. It’s good enough to make me eat, dance, laugh, run, work so it’s good enough to be loved.
 

halcyondays

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Yes I'm happy with myself and my body. Very. Are you with yours?

Do you date men who don't have "perfect" bodies?