Coming out to sons

[Thom Hewson]

I know (personally) dozens of men the same age and even older than Tom and all of them, despite being from extremely religious families, suffering family rejection, losing jobs, being beaten, living with the fear/stigma of AIDS (many without having HIV), and none of them hid behind a woman.

Guys like you and Thom are always blaming the world, when you guys are the villains in your own stories.

@Allex23 How many of them over the age of 55 felt called to raise a family? And became parents at any age? I can think of only one male couple I know, who were able to foster a teenager they eventually adopted him. It took them that long to win court approval.

 

[Jjsurp99]

@Allex23 How many of them over the age of 55 felt called to raise a family? And became parents at any age? I can think of only one male couple I know, who were able to foster a teenager they eventually adopted when the boy was 17. It took them that long to win court approval.

But you used a woman

 

[Thom Hewson]

But you used a woman

@Jjsurp99. I *loved* a woman. I went into marriage meaning every word of my vows and trying to live up to them. I did my deceive her. I didn't "use" her which is being what you want and then throwing someone away, which is exactly what I didn't do.

Please, be in the same relationship for 38 years then make judgment. Have you?

While you're at it, raise two sons together. Lose your mother in law to a hit and run driver, and later your father in law to cancer in a month. Sail on in one job for 21 years, then be without one for 4 years, and make 10 job changes in 20 years. Live through two cancers. Clear out a home of 58 years cross country, sell it and relocate infirm parents in 4 months' time.

 

[crawdaddy]

Guys like you and Thom are always blaming the world, when you guys are the villains in your own stories.

Well he is bisexual so you know how some of those guys are

Thanks for the unsolicited abuse. I'll duck out of the thread as I came here to try to help Thom, not to have to engage with judgemental keyboard warriors. I hope you enjoy your pedestals.....

Please don't bother replying to me, you're both now on 'ignore'.
Thom, I wish you all the best. My advice would be don't feed these trolls any further and try to get the help & healing your family Y you need.

 

[Thom Hewson]

Well he is bisexual so you know how some of those guys are

@Jjsurp99. I actually don't, so please tell me because I most likely am not like them.

I'm a gay man who tried on my own to become hetero in marriage. It worked for awhile, we were even what you'd call passionately intimate. We conceived 6 children the old fashioned way, suffered 4 miscarriages that I know of, and ended one pregnancy before marriage, a heart-rending decision I could only resolve in my soul by adopting a son so that our firstborn would have a brother.

Didn't know how I was going to make up that awful decision to God in that moment, but i vowed when the opportunity came I'd know it was the right thing to do. Along that road, after all the miscarriages, we were on track to adopt, traveled halfway around the world to our native homeland, only to reach the most faith filled decision of our marriage that we weren't the right parents for that child... so we left there empty handed believing if it's meant to be it will happen. Four months later our facilitator emailed us about an infant boy, who has been the greatest blessing in anyone's life. God was more than merciful.

If you've been in a relationship for any length of time, you already know that the real glue (or solvent) of marriages isn't all in the bedroom ... it's in kind small gestures, respectful appreciation for what you dont know or don't see, and a lot of willingness to forgive and say I'm sorry ... whether or not it's your fault.

Those qualities unfortunately were not shared values ....

If the bi men you're referring to are ones who think they can have what or whoever they want and fool their way through life and marriage, that's not me. I held out for years ... 15... beyond the point of a broken heart before finally accepting myself as a gay man and acting on that desire. A total of 25 plus almost 4 years of dating before the wedding. I tried my damnedest to make it work before I finally realized my mental health was really at stake. My dad has had 8 clinical depressions. I sure AF was not going to take myself down that road.

I divulged my attractions early on at the start of the relationship and when confronted with a lie confessed much of what had happened ... going back to the first man mind you, not just trying to talk my way through a single night... only omitting any names to protect the innocent.

So no, please tell me how some of those men are. Thank you for not making a blanket generalization by the way.

 

[jockeys124]

So, here I come, albiet 2 weeks late!!
Thom, I've been there. And my sincere advise is:

DO talk to the boys. If you tell them what you have told us, they will totally understand.
Don't bitch and complain, they will resent it.

Write a letter, DO NOT mention one word about their mother. This conversation is about "me", not "us."
Keep the letter to under one page. They don't need all the gorey details.

Take 24 and go visit 29, 5 hours away.
The three of you go out for quiet dinner. (Tell 29s wife it's of a personal nature. She will understand.)
Present the letter to the boys after eating.
Allow them time to read it, then ask for discussion.

If they ask questions about their mother, respond briefly, empathetically, and honestly.

Be calm, be patient, and be pleasant. Don't sell the boys short. They are intelligent adults.

The sooner this is accomplished, Thom, the sooner you will be on your way to healing.

The Best of Luck, Roy

 

[Allex23]

@Jjsurp99. I *loved* a woman. I went into marriage meaning every word of my vows and trying to live up to them. I did my deceive her. I didn't "use" her which is being what you want and then throwing someone away, which is exactly what I didn't do.

Please, be in the same relationship for 38 years then make judgment. Have you?

While you're at it, raise two sons together. Lose your mother in law to a hit and run driver, and later your father in law to cancer in a month. Sail on in one job for 21 years, then be without one for 4 years, and make 10 job changes in 20 years. Live through two cancers. Clear out a home of 58 years cross country, sell it and relocate infirm parents in 4 months' time.

If you loved her, you're not gay.

Gay men don't fall in love with women or feel sexual attraction to them, and yes, you used that poor thing.

 

[Jjsurp99]

If you loved her, you're not gay.

Gay men don't fall in love with women or feel sexual attraction to them, and yes, you used that poor thing.

Exactly he bi

 

[Leanguy]

@Jjsurp99. I actually don't, so please tell me because I most likely am not like them.

I'm a gay man who tried on my own to become hetero in marriage. It worked for awhile, we were even what you'd call passionately intimate. We conceived 6 children the old fashioned way, suffered 4 miscarriages that I know of, and ended one pregnancy before marriage, a heart-rending decision I could only resolve in my soul by adopting a son so that our firstborn would have a brother.

Didn't know how I was going to make up that awful decision to God in that moment, but i vowed when the opportunity came I'd know it was the right thing to do. Along that road, after all the miscarriages, we were on track to adopt, traveled halfway around the world to our native homeland, only to reach the most faith filled decision of our marriage that we weren't the right parents for that child... so we left there empty handed believing if it's meant to be it will happen. Four months later our facilitator emailed us about an infant boy, who has been the greatest blessing in anyone's life. God was more than merciful.

If you've been in a relationship for any length of time, you already know that the real glue (or solvent) of marriages isn't all in the bedroom ... it's in kind small gestures, respectful appreciation for what you dont know or don't see, and a lot of willingness to forgive and say I'm sorry ... whether or not it's your fault.

Those qualities unfortunately were not shared values ....

If the bi men you're referring to are ones who think they can have what or whoever they want and fool their way through life and marriage, that's not me. I held out for years ... 15... beyond the point of a broken heart before finally accepting myself as a gay man and acting on that desire. A total of 25 plus almost 4 years of dating before the wedding. I tried my damnedest to make it work before I finally realized my mental health was really at stake. My dad has had 8 clinical depressions. I sure AF was not going to take myself down that road.

I divulged my attractions early on at the start of the relationship and when confronted with a lie confessed much of what had happened ... going back to the first man mind you, not just trying to talk my way through a single night... only omitting any names to protect the innocent.

So no, please tell me how some of those men are. Thank you for not making a blanket generalization by the way.

Thom,
Curious how you are doing and where things stand.
Wishing you well…

 

[Jjsurp99]

I wonder if he actually told them

 

[Thom Hewson]

Thom,
Curious how you are doing and where things stand.
Wishing you well…

Thank you @Leanguy ! I unfortunately ruptured the patellar tendon on my newly replaced knee so I've been largely out of commission. Still hauling a very clunky brace around 3 months after the reconstruction surgery and dealing with knee generally since February replacement.
My wife's condition is such that the cancer isn't growing but she barely gets going by noon. Glad for PT or grocery shopping to force her out of the house a couple times a week.
I rather agree that the "right" thing ethically, and certainly the only course for really starting over, is the most disruptive course of action to two other lives besides mine, hers and our son still with us paying off his college loans but he's at least happy and excelling in a great first job.

Advice is rightly given but hard to capture the whole picture, of a tough new job, retirement still 2 years on the horizon, recuperation, 2 elderly parents to care for, the son to help launch.... I just recovered from clearing out and selling my childhood house (parents home of 58 years), now to face emptying and dividing our own home of 37 years?

I am more acutely aware of her whole bullying dynamic, and that's what I'm confronting head on now because it's toxic for my son too.

She made a dig the other night about me making an affogado for dessert ...like where would I have learned that except out with gay friends ..... I short I 'shot' back, "you're not going to change me. If I want an affogado I'm going to have an affogado, so f#k off." Perhaps that's the best place to start. The judginess was always there, and I was just blind to it.

 

[Leanguy]

Thank you @Leanguy ! I unfortunately ruptured the patellar tendon on my newly replaced knee so I've been largely out of commission. Still hauling a very clunky brace around 3 months after the reconstruction surgery and dealing with knee generally since February replacement.
My wife's condition is such that the cancer isn't growing but she barely gets going by noon. Glad for PT or grocery shopping to force her out of the house a couple times a week.
I rather agree that the "right" thing ethically, and certainly the only course for really starting over, is the most disruptive course of action to two other lives besides mine, hers and our son still with us paying off his college loans but he's at least happy and excelling in a great first job.

Advice is rightly given but hard to capture the whole picture, of a tough new job, retirement still 2 years on the horizon, recuperation, 2 elderly parents to care for, the son to help launch.... I just recovered from clearing out and selling my childhood house (parents home of 58 years), now to face emptying and dividing our own home of 37 years?

I am more acutely aware of her whole bullying dynamic, and that's what I'm confronting head on now because it's toxic for my son too.

She made a dig the other night about me making an affogado for dessert ...like where would I have learned that except out with gay friends ..... I short I 'shot' back, "you're not going to change me. If I want an affogado I'm going to have an affogado, so f#k off." Perhaps that's the best place to start. The judginess was always there, and I was just blind to it.

Have you told your sons? How did it go?

 

[Jjsurp99]

Have you told your sons? How did it go?

I doubt he did