Coming out

[220483]

BEANIE I so understand you on the 'kids' remark... my coming out of the closet was an event on it self. INSTEAD of me being the one telling my parents, family and close friends, a WHORE decided she should out me, cause I didn't want to do|have or support HER... OK, the story was out, but the funy fact is, MANY people thought it was a lie, others already had an idea, but may parents went on living knowing that there's nothing to do that would change me, so, even knowing the truth, and embracing the fact I'll not make them grandparents [although they already are! ], they've decided NOT to talk about the subject and just GO with the fact!
sometimes it's a BIT weird having your mother trying to present you to some 'nice' girl, and your father constantly saying YOU'll someday have kids, even if unwillingly [OK. help me on that! ], but at the end of the day, IT'S so good having them by your side, KNOWING that the only thing they have to do IS love you, as MUCH as I love them BACK!

and that's my bit of COMING OUT history!

 

[bek2335]

Beanie,

Dave NoCal is right, you have gotten several pieces of good advice here. I would just add this: You sound very anguished. I know what you are going through because I have been there, albeit many years ago. You yourself are saying you are miserable trying to lead a double life. Trust me, you will eventually know that you did the right thing in coming out. You will feel a tremendous sense of relief. Your parents may react negatively at first, so be prepared for that. If it happens, respond however you need to respond to protect yourself. Do not become angry or verbally aggressive in return. Don't attack them and don't become defensive. Try to stay centered and just state your truth, even if emotional fireworks erupt around you. You will be glad down the road that you took that approach - it will leave the door open for your relationship with them to improve. Remember 2 things -
1. Your coming out to them is likely to be a process and not an event.
2. Expect you will have to bear some short-term discomfort for a long-term gain.

Good luck. You are welcome to send me a PM if you would like some extra support.

 

[Beanie]

i understand that it will be a process and am am used to the short term discomfort for long term gain thing too. at the moment im just thinking about how to do it and when etc. some times im just sitting in a room with them in front of the TV or something just thinking to myself what if i said it now, would it be a good time now? i know that there is never a real perfect time to say something like this but i would like to make it as painless as possible. not sure tha painless is the right word but i think you get the idea?

 

[FRE]

Beanie,

From what you wrote, it seems to me that your parents already know, so probably they'd take it reasonably well although they might still express some disappointment. Probably it would help if they knew that you yourself found being gay difficult to accept.

Some years ago, a co-worker told me that she couldn't understand why I wasn't married since I seemed to be a very reasonable person. I simply told her that although I thought that most people were best off married, for some of us it would be a mistake. A few months later, we were working together on a Saturday to get the income tax software updated and no one else was around. When she again brought up the subject, I decided that it was time to be open with her. I said something like this, "Well, Mira, it's like this. Most people are romantically interested in the opposite sex, but some of us find that our romantic interest is limited to the same sex." She took it just fine and later invited me to have lunch with her, which was probably her way of saying that it was OK.

When coming out to someone, it's best to do so in such a way that it doesn't look as though it should be an issue. It works best to treat it as totally mundane. In any case, it should be totally non-confrontational and the other person should not be put into the uncomfortable position of having to respond. In general, people who know you well, either through social activities or through business, will be at least reasonably accepting. Some, while not rejecting you, may express concern and quote Bible verses. Probably it's best not to argue, but simply to indicate that you yourself are very familiar with the Bible (assuming that you are) and are also good at quoting it, but really don't want to get into a quotation contest. You could suggest discussing it at a later date and depending on what seems right for you, just hope that it doesn't come up again. It could also help to say that you appreciate their concern, but that you have already dealt with it.

No two people would handle this in exactly the same way. In any case, there is no good reason to be out to everyone. Surely it would not be reasonable to tell everyone you meet that you are gay. Probably it's best that people who are important to you know, at least eventually. Beyond that, there are political considerations. People who know someone who is gay are more likely to vote in a way to enhance the quality of our lives.

 

[D_ShiaLeTubeSteak]

honestly, I'd never come out to my parents. But that's because they are very homophbic .. They wouldnt disown me, but they would hate me for it, and it would bring shame to the family.

I'm bi, so I like men and women, womens company moreso, so I know I have to end up with a woman, they'll never know and I'd rather keep it from them. I dont have time to dabble in the thought of coming out.
This sounds totally profound and stupid, but its true to me. I'll have fun with girls and guys, I'll just mention the girls. Haha. Dont come out because people know. Do it if you feel they really need to know.

 

[bek2335]

Beanie:

Yes, I know what you mean. As far as the timing, you will know the moment when you have mustered enough courage to take the plunge. You might unexpectedly get an opportunity to just lead into the topic from another conversation, or you might just be alone with them and decide that the time is right.

It sounds like you have some supportive friends, is that right? You will need a bit of extra support afterwards, so I hope you can get that.

 

[gayguy777]

I'm 18 now and came out to my parents on April 6th 2006. I did not tell them to there face but insted I wrote a letter (It was easyer for me that way) That morning was VERY VERY odd. No one talked or anything. Then my dad told me he was okay with it and just be safe. Mom said she was okay with it but to this day she still ask me if I think that girls hot or if I have a gf. I dont say anything because I figure she is just denying it. Being the youngest of 5 does not help much. I ask them not to tell anyone and they said no problem. Where we live gays can get the shit beat out of them in a few days of coming out if it gets to the right person and you are caught alone. I told my brothers and sisters a few months later and then told my friends. They all treat me the same and one sister bugs me wanting to know who my BF is. I always give her the same answer. No one. Because its true. lol. Just remember they might just deny it at first. They will come around though.

 

[Dave NoCal]

Beanie, from your more recent posts, it sounds almost certain that your parents know and want to be cool with it. That doesn't mean that there won't be some awkwardness. Maybe yes, maybe no. When my partner decided that he needed to come out to his mom he agonized about it and eventually wrote a letter. He sweated bullets for about ten days until he heard from her. Then he was afraid to open the letter... Well, when he did open the letter, she had written that she had been sure since he was a child but had never said anything because it was his life to figure out. She was totally supportive and has remained so.
It might simplify things if you go ahead and live on your own before telling them, just in case it's tense for a while.
Dave

 

[Beanie]

i greatly appreciate every ones support in this and to address a few of the posts:

FRE - thank you for the new outlook, i never even thought about making it seem like it wasnt a big deal, making it so i was ok with it, which of course i am, so they shouldnt make a big deal about it =] i dont want to come out to everyone because, like you said, there is no reason to wear your sexuality on your sleeve like that really well for me it isnt and i only want the important people in my life to know.

bigdickjack - i had such a bad time when coming out to my friends that i swore to myself that i would never ever come out to my family and just a few years later here i am leading my self up to it lol. im not saying that your situations are the same im just saying, never say never.

bek2335 - i was thinking along those lines too thanks for affirming that for me =] amd i do have VERY supportive friends yes, i dont know what i would do with out them! they have even offered to be with me when i told them but i think it would make it a bigger deal than i want to make it...

gayguy777 - i have thought about writing a letter but thought that something like that must be done personally not thought something like a letter. not that im saying your a coward its ust not right for me but am very happy everything has worked out, more or less, for you =]

DAve NoCal - well like i said i think they allready know and that they would taking it well, well as well as can be expected anyway but there is always that uncertainty thing there in my head, and im a paranoid type of person at the best of times lol.

 

[Beanie]

i didnt mean to kill the topic guys, you cant still contribute if you feel it relevant

 

[Rugbypup]

What they don't know can't hurt them. I'd never tell mine.

 

[ikke_g]

From your last post I think your parents already know. The adopt thing... she wouldn't say that if she didn't suspect anything I think.

If you keep doubting and thinking about it, it would become only more difficult.
I'm not saying you shouldn't really think this through, but from what i read you already thought a lot about it and you seem to want to come out. You also have friends that will support you, but I think your parents will be supportive as well. So my advice is just come out to your parents without a lot of thinking about how. The time when you were playing with the cat and your mother made that remark seemed to be a good moment. If such a moment would happen again, just go for it. I'm sure they'll be supportive.

 

[FRE]

What they don't know can't hurt them. I'd never tell mine.

That's your decision to make and no one has the right to tell you what to do. But, please consider this.

It has been established that people who know gay men and women are much more likely to support equal rights for gay men and women. That means that they are more likely to support our right to serve in the militarly, right to marry, right to be protected from discrimination based on sexual orientation, etc. Thus, if you are able to level with your parents, it is likely that they will eventually become supporters of our right to fair and equal treatment. For that reason, even if for no other reason, I hope that you will come out to them.

I know nothing about your circumstances, and it might be a serious mistake for you to come out to them at this time. However, after achieving financial independence from them, and after having preliminary discussions with them to prepare them, coming out to them could be a reasonable and good thing to do. It is up to you, and you only, to decide. But please consider that by coming out to them, you would be taking one step to improve the quality of life for all of us who happen t be gay.

 

[Beanie]

well from what you were saying maybe next time somthing like that comes up i should seize the opportunity to tell them, i dont really know what i was waiting for to come up in convo lol...

 

[Symphonic]

It's nice people support you. n_n'

No one understood when I came "out" and said I was "asexual". :/

Luckily society will be more understanding of your person. :]

I hope you the best and I suggest you do whatever will put your mind at ease. n_n'

 

[Symphonic]

That's your decision to make and no one has the right to tell you what to do. But, please consider this.

It has been established that people who know gay men and women are much more likely to support equal rights for gay men and women. That means that they are more likely to support our right to serve in the militarly, right to marry, right to be protected from discrimination based on sexual orientation, etc. Thus, if you are able to level with your parents, it is likely that they will eventually become supporters of our right to fair and equal treatment. For that reason, even if for no other reason, I hope that you will come out to them.

Actually, I don't buy into this. The youngsters today are all willing to help you if you've an alternative whatever because that's the movement as it stands but conservatives and older persons are not going to simply turn. A friend of mine's parents accept him as homosexual but they do not nurture the trait nor advocate for it; they don't oppose it of course because they are loving but they don't really like to acknowledge that fact. It does them no good since he is their last son meaning the bloodline ends.

Point: Acceptance does not mean Advocation; Coexistence does not mean Cooperation.

 

[ikke_g]

Keep us updated about how it goes, Beanie

 

[Beanie]

yes i will, i dont really know when it going to happen but it will happen! but i will keep this thread bookmarked so as i wont loose it and will definitely keep you updated guys, and again thanks for your help.

you can still share your own coming out stories if you like guys i would love to hear more, just out of general interest more than anything, you probably guessed that the place i live isnt very broad when it comes to sexuality!

 

[brinzaulsschwul]

Beanie, I lost this thread and see things have not got better for you.

Your mum knows, she is giving you all the options to say what's what!!! Put yourself out of your unhappiness, and your stress levels will go right down. She will be happy and might even go to Cardiff Pride with you if Cardiff still has a Pride festival.

I think your mum has been trying to make this easy for you in her clumsy way - children - she clearly loves you and wants you to be happy.

Do yourself a great liberating service and just tell her, "Mum, I've got something to tell you....." We will all support you if it all goes tits up, but I really don't think it will, I told you about the support service for parents and you if you need it in an earlier post, expect to hear everything is ok in south Wales by Sunday.

Good Luck Beanie
Brinz

 

[FRE]

Actually, I don't buy into this. The youngsters today are all willing to help you if you've an alternative whatever because that's the movement as it stands but conservatives and older persons are not going to simply turn. A friend of mine's parents accept him as homosexual but they do not nurture the trait nor advocate for it; they don't oppose it of course because they are loving but they don't really like to acknowledge that fact. It does them no good since he is their last son meaning the bloodline ends.

Point: Acceptance does not mean Advocation; Coexistence does not mean Cooperation.

Your statement that youngsters today are all willing to help you is a generalization with many exceptions. Some will help; some will not. Some youngsters have been brainwashed by their reactionary parents and will be very negative. Some youngersters will harrass gay kids horribly while others will be very supportive.

It's been my experience that many parents will accept their gay sons and daughters eventually, but it may take years. When I was outed to my parents, I was disowned. Yet, after my mother died shortly before turning 96, we discovered that she had been reading PFLAG material and was lending support to one gay organization. That doesn't seem to be unusual. She was 53 when I was outed. When my sister remarried, the officiating minister was a lesbian woman who attended the service with her life partner. That did not bother our mother. In fact, she was pleased that the minister had found a loving partner with whom to share her life.

If parents have religious objections, it helps to know how to deal with that. I suggest the movie "For the Bible Tells Me So." It has been shown at many cinemas around the country and is also available on DVD. For information on the movie and to order the DVD, visit http://www.forthebibletellsmeso.org/indexa.htm. It can be presented to parents and, although it may have no IMMEDIATE effect, many people, after thinking for a period of months or even years, will change their attitudes; I've seen it happen.

If parents persist in being negative and and continually harrass their adult gay children, I recommend that the children temporarily sever the relationship. Otherwise, constant harrassment and negativity can create severe emotional problems for the children which can interefere with their ability to achieve self-acceptance and can even make it impossible to perform adequately in both their business and social lives. A mistake I made was failure to sever the relationship with my parents, a failure for which I greatly suffered. If the children have not achieved financial independence, severing the relationship may be totally impossible, which is why I recommend NOT coming out to one's parents before achieving financial independence, unless there is good reason to believe that the parents will be accepting. Once a gay man or woman has become strong enough to deal with the parents and not be unduly influenced by emotional trauma, then the relationship with the parents can be gradually and cautiously be re-established. However, it is necessary to impress upon parents that derogative statements and behavior will not be tollerated and every time such behavior occurs, it is important to tell the parents that it is inappropriate.