Commitment and Obligation.

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Drifterwood, Nov 6, 2008.

  1. Drifterwood

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    Many of us will have read and contributed to Fake_et's thread in the Relationship section and I have a thought that has arisen from that on which I would welcome your thoughts comments.

    I wonder whether people get confused between freely given commitment and imposed obligation. Do we try to impose obligation for our own given emotional commitment when it is seemingly unrequited? Is this fair? Should we want an emotional commitment just because we want to give one? Are we obliging someone when we shouldn't and aren't relationships based upon this, doomed to ultimate recrimination?
     
  2. Principessa

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    I'm not sure I understand the question? :confused: How can you force someone to have an emotional commitment? Either they do or they don't and if they don't you break up. Right? :confused:
     
  3. Gillette

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    This relationship question is specific to women how exactly?
     
  4. killerb

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    any relationship I've been in was casual at the beginning, and at some point it was mutually decided that we'd be committed to each other & not see anyone else...

    it was also established that if at any point, one of us wanted to be with someone else, all we had to do was say the word & we could part as friends...

    it was based on wanting to be committed to each other, not any sort of obligation...who would want that?
     
  5. Drifterwood

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    The question is :wink:

    When we make an emotional commitment whether we wish to or not and we find that it is unrequited or not immediately reciprocated, do we impose an obligation for that commitment on the object of our emotional response?

    Do we do it? Do you do it? Isn't it ulimately doomed if we do?
     
  6. Drifterwood

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    My perspective and experience.
     
  7. B_Jennuine73

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    I think people do. I don't and I think I am in the minority.
    If I understand you correctly, another way of putting it is...If you fall in love with someone and you know they haven't fallen in love with you, do you expect them to? Do you need them to? If they don't, will you leave him/her? How fair is that?

    Did I get that right Drifter?
     
  8. The Dragon

    The Dragon New Member

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    The only person I am committed to regardless of being in a relationship or not , IS MYSELF.
     
  9. Drifterwood

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    Pretty much. It's about the you owe me strategy because I find myself emotionally commited to you. I see that in terms of an obligation that you place upon the other party, like NJ's Mr. Needy to avoid list. But they sort of have you by then.
     
  10. Aquafina123

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    Uhhh...I guess we do impose an obligation for commitment in a way. Or at least we try to. Because everyone has in mind their own idea of what a relationship is, and what commitment means to them. We give based on those standards, and we expect the other person to do the same. If I feel that an occasional one-night-stand or whatever is perfectly acceptable, but the person I'm with is not giving me the freedom I need, I'll likely end it. Likewise, if the tables are turned, and I want more of a stable, traditional relationship, and my partner's not giving me what I need, I'll likely end it. I think the imposition of an obligation for our version of commitment comes in whatever "talks" or "fights" would go on between the two people in question, when each person clearly states what they think is wrong and what their idea of a committed relationship is. "Meet my needs or it's over." Or the more polite "If we can't come to an agreement on this, I'm not sure it's gonna work out between us..." And if at the end of said discussion, we find that our needs are not being met, the relationship dissolves.

    All relationships are based on this. They tend not to work out when the people in question have radically different ideas of what a commitment means. It is impossible to be happy in a relationship when either person's needs are completely disregarded to satisfy the other. Because at that point, the obligation outweighs the desire to be in the relationship in the first place, and that's just not fun. Anyway, I think It's just a matter of finding someone who shares the same values and ideals (romantically, anyway) as we do. :smile: Or someone who comes close enough, I should say. That's where that thing called "compromise" comes in.
     
    #10 Aquafina123, Nov 6, 2008
    Last edited: Nov 6, 2008
  11. Principessa

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    No, I would not impose an obligation for commitment.


    I'm sure some people do that.
    I don't do that because being alone has never scared me. There are some women who from the time they are 12 never give up one bf or relationship until they have another lined up. I'm not one of those women.
    IMO, yes forcing your will on another ultimately dooms the relationship.
     
  12. Gillette

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    Which you have to grant is not all inclusive.
    Do you think this never occurs in gay male relationships?


    Many people do it both male and female.

    I don't because I know feelings can't be forced. It's a futile exercise.
    I also don't want to settle for less than what I offer so if I find myself in a relationship where the desire and commitment isn't equal (In either direction) I'll chalk it up to experience and forge on elsewhere.

    I wouldn't say that it's ultimately doomed if you do (you can never truly impose a feeling or behaviour on another so for some reluctant partners such an imposition is little more than a wake up call), but I can't see how it would ultimately be satisfying.

    The feeling when my cat comes running up to greet me or curl up in my lap?

    The feeling when she's straining on the leash?

    Seems like a no-brainer.
     
  13. Drifterwood

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    Isn't that precisely where Romance ends?

    I enjoyed reading your post, thank you.

    Yes you would, my friend.

    I wonder how much she would love you if you stopped feeding her :rolleyes:

    You keep your puss on a leash :eek: ?

    Release her !!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  14. Principessa

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    If I am in a commited loving relationship and I find out that he doesn't feel the same way. I'll be hurt; but I'll leave. Life is too short to waste mooning over a man who doesn't love me the way I love him.
     
  15. Drifterwood

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    You know, this is partly why N. American women are so very sexy.

    But I did mean the obligations that you would place upon him with regard to his behaviour :smile:
     
  16. Gillette

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    Had you put it in the relationships forum you could be more sure of it.

    All persuasions of both genders.

    She'll stop mid-munch and come to me if I call her. Top that.

    Seriously. I expect she'd be confused and unhappy and would seek her sustenance elsewhere. Cats are smart that way.

    Only in parks or around traffic. Oh, wait, to which do you refer?

    Which?!


    You're going to have to be more specific. What behaviours are we talking about? With your question about not feeding my cat I have to wonder if you're referring to the "nookie" as reward or punishment thing.
     
  17. Drifterwood

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    I was ever so gently teasing NJ because I feel that she has very strong convictions as to behaviour within a relationship. It is my fault for confusing expectations with imposed obligation which is what the thread is about.

    This is a serious thread. I have had a couple of situations in the last year or so, where despite ground rules, I have come under pressure because the other party developed a stronger emotional attachment and I felt that I was being made to feel obligated to their emotions. And I did feel obligated and it does cause pain to both parties.

    I am sure we have all had relationships where the emotional commitment is unequal. What do you do in this circumstance? Some push the emotional blackmail button, some hide it, some whatever, I don't know, that's why I am asking.
     
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