tried it ,but both people have to participate to make it work.
Thanks, were both in agreement to therapy so hopefully it'll work. In you're case was one not willing to participate ?
Sorry to hear that. looks like it's headed the same way for me she said she'd deffo do the councilling and then ghosted me very strange. so guess I have no choice now but to try and heal and move on it's gonna take a long time with this one
Phil Ayesho
Superior Member
In the industry its jokingly referred to as Couples Canceling.
I went to counseling with my not-yet-ex-wife.
It was essentially nothing but a means for each of us to be able to vent all our frustrations and resentments with a referee present.
Near the end the Counselor asked me if I believed that counseling could make our relationship better....
and I thought about it for a moment and replied- " I think a gifted counselor could maybe get a canary to get along with a crocodile... but is that the best destiny for either of them?"
Consider 3 possibilites...
One- You're the problem. This will be revealed to you over time if every relationship fails... it may be that you are insufferable in some regard- or that you tend to be attracted to women who are just wrong for you. If this is your issue- then work on yourself. Try going for someone entirely different and see if that changes the outcome.
Two- She's the problem. She might be the one who just can't connect- or always goes for the guy she ends up not liking... In which case you are lucky to be rid of her... the thing is, whether its YOU or its HER... if One or both of you are emotionally crippled in some sense, then no amount of counseling is going to help.
People go to counseling thinking it will open their Partner's eyes... each one pointing the finger at the other. But Counseling only really works if both parties can walk in understanding that the only person that they can change is themselves.
if Both are willing to make changes in themselves.
If only one can bend- that will just breed new resentments in the person who is doing all the work.
Three- It SHOULDN'T BE THIS HARD.
The very idea that you think you need counseling is a sign that the relationship is a struggle.
And when you find someone you are genuinely compatible with, you don't HAVE these feelings.
After 25 years- I would expect some issues to have arisen... but when you are only a few years into a relationship... it should feel easy , relaxed. Comfortable.
What if you never argued and got on really well but a string of unavoidable events in both couples lifes put too much pressure on the relationship and it blew apart ? Could councilling help if both parties wanted it to ?
Phil Ayesho
Superior Member
Possibly- but here's the problem. Events don't cause problems. PEOPLE do. Its not the thing that happens, but how you allow that thing to affect you.
If one person simply can not step outside of their own emotional reaction to an external event, and recognize that the source of their upset is not the thing... but their own estimation of the thing... then that person is doomed to forever blame outside events for their own emotional state.
They will never take responsibility for what they feel, and as a result will never stop suffering the events that occur.
If their interpretation of events gets them to change their opinion of YOU... and think less of you... or suspect your motives, affection, or honesty... then there is really nothing you can do to change that image of you they have created in their mind.
An action you intend to be loving they might interpret as being manipulative. A gift you give them they might see as evidence of your feeling guilty.
Once your partner has decided to view you thru a certain lens... its is nearly impossible to convince them that what they see is an artifact of their own invalid assumptions.
confirmation bias sets in...
It is rare for two human beings who can Both bring real self awareness to their own interpretations of external events to find one another.
But willingness to seek counseling is NOT an indication of true self awareness and a willingness to self examine.
Most people eager to go to counseling are dead certain that the counselor will validate THEIR perspective and get their partner to see how they are the one at fault.
Thank for the reply probs right on the limit of my intellect as you can probably tell by my writing skills lol. I just want to get the talking going and have the conversations needed to understand each other and how we could avoid it in future cause we loved each other,just both had too much stuff going on in our life's at the time. I don't think it matters now anyway she changed her mind about the councilling it's a shame cause I really think it would have helped us
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my wife and i went twice then we quit and never looked back. the idea of going to see a therapist is to go air out your dirty laundry to a "professional" so they can give you some "professional" advice and know-how. of course, this only works if both parties are willing to go all-in to make it work. if either of you holds back, then the therapist won't have all that he/she needs to fully assess your issues. this is the biggest problem when couples go to therapy; they hold a lot back and leave a lot off the table.
my wife and i went to therapy to see how well we were doing as a couple. kinda like a yearly physical checkup. after the second time, we realized that we didn't need a therapist to teach us how to love each other. open communication, unconditional trust, and unconditional understanding/respect was the key to our marriage. you should be able to tell your spouse anything (from a sexual fetish to thoughts of killing someone) and not get any backlash or judgement but only respect and understanding, as well as a "true" willingness to listen to what each other have to say and give honest opinion without feeling offended or having to hold back.
humans are complicated creatures and both men and women have issues in their own like. nobody is exempt from this. the question is how you can handle yourself and yourself with your significant other. life's too short and in the case of what the OP is asking, it takes two to tango or it WON'T work.
good luck.
my wife and i went to therapy to see how well we were doing as a couple. kinda like a yearly physical checkup. after the second time, we realized that we didn't need a therapist to teach us how to love each other. open communication, unconditional trust, and unconditional understanding/respect was the key to our marriage. you should be able to tell your spouse anything (from a sexual fetish to thoughts of killing someone) and not get any backlash or judgement but only respect and understanding, as well as a "true" willingness to listen to what each other have to say and give honest opinion without feeling offended or having to hold back.
humans are complicated creatures and both men and women have issues in their own like. nobody is exempt from this. the question is how you can handle yourself and yourself with your significant other. life's too short and in the case of what the OP is asking, it takes two to tango or it WON'T work.
good luck.
My husband and I went a few times. Basically the counselor pointed out that we were not communicating with each other. We did a lot of yelling and screaming, but no communicating. You have to decide what you want to get out of it. Do you know what the problem is and you need help navigating something you aren't familiar with, or don't have the skills to deal with? Do you need someone to point out the problem for you? OR do you just want to pay someone to listen to you complain about your partner? The first two can be productive. The last one can't. If you just want to bitch, then stand in front of a mirror and scream at yourself. That won't really solve anything, but hearing it out loud might get you to see how ridiculous the issue is, help you get it off your chest, or save you some money.
We never really yelled or screamed at each other in 4 yrs but I think that we should have sometimes, it's needed and normal. I find it difficult explaining my feelings sometimes cause I don't understand a lot of my feelings or why I have them and I think she does understand her feelings and why she has them very well but many times she tried to explain why she felt a certain way ether I didn't understand or just completely missed the point and felt she was holding a crucial piece of info I needed to understand back ?
I think one of the big things we forget or don't realize is that human feelings are irrational, and we don't always know why we feel what we do. It is what it is. It's nice to have someone acknowledge that you feel one way or another, even if they don't agree or understand why or agree with it. We resolved our issues by agreeing to be 100% honest with each other, and to listen to what the other person had to say, even if we didn't understand. Listening and acknowledgement can lead to that understand, or at least an agreement. Now when we argue there are times when it's better for me to say to my husband - I don't agree with your point of view, but I understand that this is how you feel about it. How can we meet in the middle ?
Most of the time it works, other times it results in a "Ok, I'm done being polite to you while you continue to be a asshole. Go fuck yourself."
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Yes did it, no it wasn't helpful or successful.
As many have stated we're different and we see things differently. But you should have unconditional love, trust, and respect for each other. Most couples don't, otherwise there wouldn't be so many divorces.
Being a couple requires a lot of give and take on both partners behalf. Knowing when to lead, when to follow, nd when to compromise.
Communication is key. Although you've only been together for4 yrs. I wouldn't think that you'd be having problems that are that big. You're just barely over what I'd call the honeymoon stage. But little problems should be addressed. A lot of couples already have a couple of kids by this time and that in itself can be quite stressful.
Her ghosting on counseling isn't a shocker. A lot of people don't like it or consider it bullshit to pay someone to listen to their dirty laundry.
I'd say if you don't have that trust, love, and respect for her and from her then I'd be thinking seriously hard about what kind of relationship I had. I'd probably count my losses and move on.
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