Dangerous Lust

Wine0

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hey all you lovely LPSGrs - thank you for your click.

I’m in a tricky position. I’m a mature guy, but I’ve not felt like this for literally decades!

About 2 years ago, I met a friend of a friend socially, and not anything significant was said or done. We get along just fine, and although I always thought he was a sexy guy, he is much younger than me and is totally into his fitness. I’ve never broached the subject, as I’ve always thought I was punching but I have only encountered each other (socially) a few times along the way.

Just this week, 2 days in a row, we have had a sexual encounter - completely unplanned, and each time made me tremble like I was 17 again. I actually can’t believe how much I thought I was in control of my emotions, but this guy has completely swept me off my feet both physically and emotionally. I think he feels the same way.

Having read all that - you’re probably thinking “go for it” or “you lucky bstard’, but there’s a problem.....

I went to his wedding reception about 2 months ago, and I’m a good friend (please don’t judge me) of his husband. The sex was initiated by him, and although we haven’t done penetration, there is an animalistic desire on both sides to escalate.

His marriage and my 25yr relationship are on the table. I never set out to hurt my friend (his husband) or my current partner, but I haven’t felt this way since I was discovering my sexuality all those years ago. The new fella is in my thoughts all day long.

Is it the desires of forbidden fruit, or a silly old man having a crisis? Do I go with my head, or my heart which it torn into pieces right now.

Thank you for reading, hugs x
 
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sundancer

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I've been in your situation. I was in a relationship when I fell head over heels in love with a much younger man, who was with a woman. And to make a long story short, we both left our partners and built a relationship together. It sometimes works. We were together 5 years, then he left to go back to women. So that was difficult. . . Only you can decide if this is right for you, and for him. Your current relationship cannot be satisfying all your needs if you are looking somewhere else, or getting that amazing feeling somewhere else. (no judgement, just making a statement) Wishing you all the luck with this, but I think you need to do some soul searching to see what you want, and then you need to talk to the other man, to see if he would even entertain the idea of being with you. .
 
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Brodie888

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Ok, I am going to throw out a bunch of generalizations, which of course most people will be doing because nobody here really knows you or or situation in any meaningful way.

Firstly, most stable long term relationships are built on both sides being balanced. If you don't see this new guy as an even trade then it's likely to fail. eg what about you balances the age difference. What about you balances his exercise obsession etc.

If you can't balance it, is it really worth the damage for a fleeting bit of fun?

Secondly, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice .... well.... personally I've never accidentally fallen over and landed on a dick. I don't believe in accidental sex.

Thirdly, what you are feeling with this guy is lust. Lust blinds you to the truth. Lust doesn't last. You may be feeling flattered that some young guy wants to fuck you. That's nice but chances are he is just a whore who is fucking half a dozen other guys as well and will do the same to you if you end up with him after destroying both of your relationships.
 

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Thank you so much for your posts - really appreciated.

The flavour of the replies is pretty much they way I feel. However, there’s a little more background that I feel I should share. My LTR has evolved into a sexless monotone for about the last 15 years. This has suited us both (I surmise - as we don’t have any conversations about ‘us”). We live in a nice house, we give each other a peck on the cheek every morning, and when we come home. We hold hands watching the TV and cuddle our cats. Every day when our schedules allow us to - we decide what to eat and cook together

On the difficult side, he has suffered from depression and hates his job of 5+ years - neither of which he seems prepared to change. I endure a daily report of how awful his work has been, and I’m exhausted!

I am very, very fond of him. He is like a limb to me, but I am not sure I am in love.

I stopped caring about myself a long time ago, and started piling on the weight. 18 months ago, after a minor health scare - I took control of my diet and put in some time in at the gym. I have lost 55lbs of flab (4 stone / 25 kilos) and needless to say, I feel amazing. Losing the weight has made me feel sexy again and I installed Grindr 6 months ago. I have met about 20 guys for meaningless sex. LTR is aware (it’s quite a small city we live in) and has acknowledged that an open relationship is OK. I would never bring a guy back to our home. That is for us only.

New fella is a completely different feeling to the others. I lust after the others cocks and arses for sure, but it is completely cold and only transactional. I have a couple of regulars from that pool where sex is convenient - but there is no burning desire to share a future with any of them like there is with the newbie.

I am strong enough to compromise the friendship at risk, and I am financially and emotionally secure enough to leave the lovely home I live in.

I just don’t want to cause hurt. It’s not in my nature, but I am aware that the older I get - I should seize joy and strive for happiness.

I am away on business for a while, and have proposed that we play it cool and see what it’s like in a couple of weeks, but as I’m typing this - I know I’m going to feel rather similar. I don’t think I need any replies - its just a great feeling of me being able to offload my problems to this amazing community.

Thanks again if you’ve managed to read this far xx
 

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You know, deep within your heart, that this is not what you dream it is. You have made all kinds of meanings about it in your head - and the forbidden nature of it makes it all that much more powerful. If you want out of your relationship, for the gods' sake, have some integrity and end it before you go bed hopping.

You are obviously looking for something - and when we go looking, we will find it...or what we can convince ourselves it what we want. Accidental falling in love? No. Never, can't happen. This is not a tawdry Hallmark special, this is real life. If you're not looking for something, you will not find it. "But," you say, "it found me!" Uh huh. I've had guys interested too - some show hard at the gym to me. Some are built like brick $#ithouses. I'm married, and I am faithful to my husband. Period. There is no accidental falling into anything -- buttholes, mouths, or love.

It's clear that you are not happy in your marriage, and that he is not happy with his boyfriend. Either decide to fix what you have, or leave it to pursue something else. I will echo some of the above observations in saying that he may be young enough to make such a foolish error in judgement - you know better. You know you do.
 

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Thank you so much for your posts - really appreciated.

The flavour of the replies is pretty much they way I feel. However, there’s a little more background that I feel I should share. My LTR has evolved into a sexless monotone for about the last 15 years. This has suited us both (I surmise - as we don’t have any conversations about ‘us”). We live in a nice house, we give each other a peck on the cheek every morning, and when we come home. We hold hands watching the TV and cuddle our cats. Every day when our schedules allow us to - we decide what to eat and cook together

On the difficult side, he has suffered from depression and hates his job of 5+ years - neither of which he seems prepared to change. I endure a daily report of how awful his work has been, and I’m exhausted!

I am very, very fond of him. He is like a limb to me, but I am not sure I am in love.

I stopped caring about myself a long time ago, and started piling on the weight. 18 months ago, after a minor health scare - I took control of my diet and put in some time in at the gym. I have lost 55lbs of flab (4 stone / 25 kilos) and needless to say, I feel amazing. Losing the weight has made me feel sexy again and I installed Grindr 6 months ago. I have met about 20 guys for meaningless sex. LTR is aware (it’s quite a small city we live in) and has acknowledged that an open relationship is OK. I would never bring a guy back to our home. That is for us only.

New fella is a completely different feeling to the others. I lust after the others cocks and arses for sure, but it is completely cold and only transactional. I have a couple of regulars from that pool where sex is convenient - but there is no burning desire to share a future with any of them like there is with the newbie.

I am strong enough to compromise the friendship at risk, and I am financially and emotionally secure enough to leave the lovely home I live in.

I just don’t want to cause hurt. It’s not in my nature, but I am aware that the older I get - I should seize joy and strive for happiness.

I am away on business for a while, and have proposed that we play it cool and see what it’s like in a couple of weeks, but as I’m typing this - I know I’m going to feel rather similar. I don’t think I need any replies - its just a great feeling of me being able to offload my problems to this amazing community.

Thanks again if you’ve managed to read this far xx

I think you and your partner need to either rebuild your relationship or move on. Time is the most important asset and it sounds like you've both wasted too much as it is.

He is as guilty as you are. You both fear losing what little you have that it stops you from having what you deserve. For god's sake, do something rather than drift on being miserable. Things can be fixed but you both need to be committed to fixing it.

You would be foolish and a poor judge of character for getting into a relationship with someone who is cheating 2 months into a new marriage.
 
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On the difficult side, he has suffered from depression and hates his job of 5+ years - neither of which he seems prepared to change. I endure a daily report of how awful his work has been, and I’m exhausted!

I am very, very fond of him. He is like a limb to me, but I am not sure I am in love.

I stopped caring about myself a long time ago, and started piling on the weight.

Hello WhinO,
(Nosce te ipsum..?)

First I really wish you and your LTR, and your friend as well, will all be well. You're all adults though and as such are responsible for your own decisions and the consequenses. Your comment on your partner's depression and his unwillingness to 'change' sounds a bit harsh to me though.
None of us can fully control everything, life isn't always roses and sunshine and in those cases we just need te be bear stuff. That's life. I just hope you will all succeed in finding some contentment.

Having said that, please allow to me to express my surprise at reading your posts.
Talking with friends who know you and have your best interest at heart is always a good idea.

But in the end it just might be a good idea to have this conversation with your partner. Start talking about it and when communication is hard, learn how to communicate together.
 

cedarizzo

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You need to have a very serious conversation with your partner. Discuss his depression, his job and what changes need to happen to make things better for you. You've made some changes and you feel better. You've lost some weight and you've been picking up guys online. A big congratulations to you for losing the weight.

Your fling with your friend's husband is going to seriously damage 4 lives. If this is what you want. You need to sit down with your partner and break up with him. Tell him you need to move on. Then you and your friend's husband need to have a discussion with your friend about how the two of you want to see each other.

And yes, if your friend's husband is already cheating on him at 2 months, I can guarantee that he will be fucking around on you. Doesn't look good.
 
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Your fling with your friend's husband is going to seriously damage 4 lives. If this is what you want. You need to sit down with your partner and break up with him. Tell him you need to move on. Then you and your friend's husband need to have a discussion with your friend about how the two of you want to see each other.

And yes, if your friend's husband is already cheating on him at 2 months, I can guarantee that he will be fucking around on you. Doesn't look good.
Monogomy is sooo 1990....
 

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With all respect, your post makes me feel as if you are asking for someone to justify your situation. Crushing on a married friend does not seem a viable or sensible method to, in your words, seize joy and strive for happiness. Also "I just don't want to cause hurt, it's not in my nature," followed by the word but means intentionally causing hurt can be within your nature.

It might be that your own, real self-love and acceptance, without external gratification, is a key issue here? Just sayin'.
 

chancesare

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Is your friend's relationship open? I think we are all assuming it is not, but we were wrong on the assumption that yours was closed as well.

You may be feeling butterflies, but I would not assume he does the same. It might be hot daddy sex to him. If it's time to grab life, this may be a sign that you need to do it. I wouldn't, however, plan on it being with him.

My partner (of, at the time, about 9 months) opened our relationship. I met a guy at a bar for purposes of friendship. We never had all-out sex, but we did make out and feel each other up. All signs pointed to him being enamored with me. He'd say things like, "I feel I can talk to you about anything" and acted like the minor things I accomplished in life were so impressive. I was having so much fun with him. Then, after hanging out twice, he totally ghosted me. You just never know what the other person is thinking. Let your decision be based on you, not on him.
 
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hey all you lovely LPSGrs - thank you for your click.

I’m in a tricky position. I’m a mature guy, but I’ve not felt like this for literally decades!

About 2 years ago, I met a friend of a friend socially, and not anything significant was said or done. We get along just fine, and although I always thought he was a sexy guy, he is much younger than me and is totally into his fitness. I’ve never broached the subject, as I’ve always thought I was punching but I have only encountered each other (socially) a few times along the way.

Just this week, 2 days in a row, we have had a sexual encounter - completely unplanned, and each time made me tremble like I was 17 again. I actually can’t believe how much I thought I was in control of my emotions, but this guy has completely swept me off my feet both physically and emotionally. I think he feels the same way.

Having read all that - you’re probably thinking “go for it” or “you lucky bstard’, but there’s a problem.....

I went to his wedding reception about 2 months ago, and I’m a good friend (please don’t judge me) of his husband. The sex was initiated by him, and although we haven’t done penetration, there is an animalistic desire on both sides to escalate.

His marriage and my 25yr relationship are on the table. I never set out to hurt my friend (his husband) or my current partner, but I haven’t felt this way since I was discovering my sexuality all those years ago. The new fella is in my thoughts all day long.

Is it the desires of forbidden fruit, or a silly old man having a crisis? Do I go with my head, or my heart which it torn into pieces right now.

Thank you for reading, hugs x
This is like the opening to Damage, you know the bestseller that was turned into a shitty film with Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche. I think you'll continue having furtive sex till he's bored of it or someone finds out, then you'll return to your cats and sofa and fish suppers and pile on the pounds again. Enjoy it while it lasts.
 
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This is like the opening to Damage, you know the bestseller that was turned into a shitty film with Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche. I think you'll continue having furtive sex till he's bored of it or someone finds out, then you'll return to your cats and sofa and fish suppers and pile on the pounds again. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Another cool book on the subject everybody should at least read once in their life is Benoîte Groult's 'Les vaisseaux du cœur' (translated as 'Salt on Our Skin'). Great piece of lit.
And the author's love life wasn't a fairy tail either, so Whin0.... Don't feel too bad.
We all muddle though.
Muddling in a way we still like ourselves might be key.
Good luck !