Dating Aspergers

[MilkingGuru]

If you learn about it and know how to deal with it, it can work out great.
Some of the comments here are scarily wrong I must say.

 

[a3sthetic]

Like any relationship regardless of Aspe or not, it comes down to what you are willing to accept and not accept in a partner. Only you know what those things are.

Don't ever go into a relationship expecting someone will change. Chances are that they won't.

 

[GBF64]

Let's slow down the train here. I have Asperger's Syndrome. I wasn't diagnosed until age 39. Yes I did have a lot of social issues especially in both my career and relationships with the opposite sex. I was referred to a wonderful and extremely patient doctor well known both nationally and internationally in autism spectrum disorders. After many years of therapy I'm capable of understanding and adjusting my behaviour to fit in with the NT, or Neuro-Typical population.
It really depends upon the individual affected. I've encountered some at group meetings that are basket cases, and many who want to fit in and are working hard to improve their training in social skills . If you get the training in social skills a happy and loving relationship is possible.
I have been in a relationship with my fiance for over three years now. Our wedding is less than a month away on June 7. She has no major concerns with marriage to me. Well just one really. She calls me wide load, and always says I make her pussy sore but happy, lol
If she doesn't like something I do, act, or what I say. She will tell me upfront to get my shit together. She doesn't try to change me. She just knows at times my behavior might need some slight modification.
We spent ten days together in St. Maarten this past March. And will be taking a five day cruise to Bermuda for our honeymoon in June. We have never had a fight or any kind of major dispute. So yes, it is possible for a relationship with an Aspie to be fruitful. If both partners are informed and willing to take the time to try to support each other, then nothing can hold you back.

Please take a look at this link. You may be very shocked to see whose is listed........


Famous People with Asperger's Syndrome

 

[PhillyPrick]

Another problem with dating someone with aspergers is you might want them to put their arm around you or some other romantic gesture but their busy being obsessed with every shoe store you walk by on South Street in Philadelphia. Its not that they don't care about you its just that they have all these obsessions.

Neurotypicals will put their lover on a pedastle above all else, someone with aspergers will put the lover, a bunch of shoes, an obsession with houses and construction, and whatever else they can't get out of their heads. It became utterly confusing trying to figure out where I stand.

Yes it is possible to for an aspie and a neurotypical to be together, but it would take so much work from BOTH people. They would have to work as a team to make it happen. This guy I was dating, I couldn't see that happening. I looked at my future and increasingly lonely and I have so many other life goals.

The only future I have with the guy is possibly friends, with possible benefits if I can get over my feelings.

 

[KennF]

Yes it is possible to for an aspie and a neurotypical to be together, but it would take so much work from BOTH people. They would have to work as a team to make it happen.

This is true of EVERY relatoinship. And, every relationship has its own unique obstacles to overcome.

All you can do is your end of the effort. If they don't put in theirs, then the relationship isn't working. I would say that if you don't want to do it, fine.

But, I wouldn't paint the picture as they are incapable. Especially if you are thinking about FWB.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

It didn't work for me as I tried to change her into something she wasn't.
I do believe it can work if you live the way they do, loving without attachment.
It's much like having an outside cat, most people want it to act more like a dog but all you can do is offer a safe and welcoming home, put the foodbowl out and go about your own business and wait for them to seek you out regardless if they are missing for days on end or show up every day.

 

[Infernal]

I dated someone who was undiagnosed bi-polar. I would date someone with Aspergers over that any day. At least I would know what I was in for on a day to day basis.

 

[Novaboy]

Like any relationship regardless of Aspe or not, it comes down to what you are willing to accept and not accept in a partner. Only you know what those things are.

Don't ever go into a relationship expecting someone will change. Chances are that they won't.

This^

 

[PhillyPrick]

It didn't work for me as I tried to change her into something she wasn't.
I do believe it can work if you live the way they do, loving without attachment.
It's much like having an outside cat, most people want it to act more like a dog but all you can do is offer a safe and welcoming home, put the foodbowl out and go about your own business and wait for them to seek you out regardless if they are missing for days on end or show up every day.

My weekends rolled around and I had to decide between going out and having a life, or texting and waiting. I would text him and then wait for hours for him to respond and hope we were going to do something I would enjoy. I felt bad when I was doing something fun and our schedules just didn't match up.

Once March rolled around I realized I was going to spend my vacation time this way. I was going to either text and wait or go on vacation and beach trips by myself.

It's just not how a relationship works, certainly not a traditional one. My friend said this to me and I believe it 100% "no communication no relationship"

I know that Aspies deserve love like everyone else but its severely disabling to the standard person. We are on this earth for such a short time, and countless years are spent at work, how can we spend our free time sacrificing ourselves for another person.

Give me 5 million dollars and I'll have no problem doing the "text and wait" while laying by the pool all day.

 

[desilover]

not something i could do in honesty. though i guess it depends on the extent.

 

[Titanomachina]

As someone on the spectrum I find some of these comments a little bit hurtful. For the people that it didn't work out for, you sound incredibly needy. So much I I I I for what is supposed to be a relationship between two people. It's like you don't even try to understand their way of thinking and how to work with it or the position that they are in.

 

[Otep]

I dated a guy with aspergers once and I must say it wasn't exactly like some of the doom and gloom posts in this thread. Sure, there were issues, but nothing like what is being described. Though I say that without trying to assert that I expect my experience to be universal.

He was incredibly sweet, very sociable (in the sense that he approached people very easily, even if he wasn't good at it), and he was very much into me. He was out of town often for work and whenever he returned, like any other boyfriend, he was very much interested in spending as much time with me as possible. We went on vacation together, road trips, dates, cooked together, etc. When he mistakenly broke a valentines day gift I gave him, pretty much five minutes after giving it to him, he was incredibly upset. In many ways, he was just like any other boyfriend except for some of the quirks I had to get used to. Most of them were pretty easy to deal with, like the fact that he would speak increasingly loudly without realizing it. We could be in the car together and he'd essentially be shouting while talking to me. Or the fact that he would break or damage things pretty frequently (not intentionally).

Really, the "problem" was physical affection, not emotional. He did not seem to like sex or even being naked. As a male who has hated how skinny I am for my entire life, I very much need to feel physically comfortable, especially when naked, with someone I'm in a relationship with. That was not going to happen with him. Since we never talked about it I have no idea if that was related to him having aspergers but it was something I was not able to get used to. Our relationship felt very much like we were really good friends, vs. boyfriends, because of the lack of physical intimacy.

It didn't leave me scorned or bitter and quite frankly after he moved away we continued to communicate for awhile and he seemed very attached to me.

Would I do it again? Absolutely, because people are different. Just because it didn't work with him doesn't mean it wouldn't with someone else. Just because it didn't work with me doesn't mean that he'll be alone forever. I would be very hesitant to solely blame aspergers for a failed relationship, at least to the extent thats happening in this thread.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

My weekends rolled around and I had to decide between going out and having a life, or texting and waiting. I would text him and then wait for hours for him to respond and hope we were going to do something I would enjoy. I felt bad when I was doing something fun and our schedules just didn't match up.

Once March rolled around I realized I was going to spend my vacation time this way. I was going to either text and wait or go on vacation and beach trips by myself.

It's just not how a relationship works, certainly not a traditional one. My friend said this to me and I believe it 100% "no communication no relationship"

I know that Aspies deserve love like everyone else but its severely disabling to the standard person. We are on this earth for such a short time, and countless years are spent at work, how can we spend our free time sacrificing ourselves for another person.

Give me 5 million dollars and I'll have no problem doing the "text and wait" while laying by the pool all day.

Yeah I understand where you are coming from but I don't see anything wrong with what your partner did. He set a personal boundary by not responding immediately to your texts. I think "normal" people would respond faster but all he did was expose a flaw of your own. When people don't respond or text you should just continue to go about your business and do you. If you got the time to hang out by the time they respond that's cool but if not it is their loss and there is no need to make any sacrifices. Nobody asks you to sit around and waste time waiting for someone. I've been on both ends and actually, emulating the aspergers aproach has made me a better lover. Not just to others but to myself as well. Like I said, loving without attachment.

 

[Astro]

As someone on the spectrum I find some of these comments a little bit hurtful. For the people that it didn't work out for, you sound incredibly needy. So much I I I I for what is supposed to be a relationship between two people. It's like you don't even try to understand their way of thinking and how to work with it or the position that they are in.

The comments in the discussion are not meant to be hurtful, but it's pragmatism from people who have had years of close contact with autism sufferers and have become fatigued and exhausted from the complete lack of empathy and understanding, and the downright peculiar behaviour characteristics so well documented. You've actually demonstrated considerable lack of empathy in that post above! I have a relative with the condition who will not make eye contact or acknowledge or speak when I enter the room. Shows hysterical fear of dummies or anything artificial with a face, and threw a tantrum in a tunnel last week.

I'm just saying it is an extremely tiring aspect of human behaviour for non-sufferers to live with, and I am perhaps far more unaccepting of it than most. Having been brought up by parents, one an autistic and one a violent, hysterical mentally disturbed person, I know I have little acceptance or patience with both attributes. I happen to think every mentally disturbed person is fucking up the life of people not disturbed in one way or another. That is why I think a 'normal' (for want of a better name) is taking on more than they anticipate in such a relationship. Autistics would be better having relationships with matching sufferers. Ultimately, 'normals' will be left with deeply unsatisfied emotional needs out of such a mixed relationship. We've all seen it with women deeply unhappy tied in long marriages with totally unresponsive men.

If you're going to go into such a mixed relationship, you should be totally aware of what you're buying into, and how YOUR own emotional needs may become increasingly frustrated. It's a disability not to be underestimated.

 

[PhillyPrick]

Yeah I understand where you are coming from but I don't see anything wrong with what your partner did. He set a personal boundary by not responding immediately to your texts. I think "normal" people would respond faster but all he did was expose a flaw of your own. When people don't respond or text you should just continue to go about your business and do you. If you got the time to hang out by the time they respond that's cool but if not it is their loss and there is no need to make any sacrifices. Nobody asks you to sit around and waste time waiting for someone. I've been on both ends and actually, emulating the aspergers aproach has made me a better lover. Not just to others but to myself as well. Like I said, loving without attachment.

What your describing is friends with benefits / hooking up. You message the person you have no romantic feelings for and if they are unavailable or don't want to hang out / hook up you move on and go do something else / find another hookup.

I'm talking about trying to form a relationship with a person where you make plans to do something later. All it takes is a simple text to say, "lets meet at X time and do Y activity" You respect their space, if they need a few days or even a whole week off from seeing you you give them that (also open relationship) but you have some sort of idea of what the future holds.

Sure the Aspergers sufferer I dated who did not text right away did not do anything wrong at all, also I have done nothing wrong to move on from the whole situation. Also there is nothing wrong with me wanting and expecting a fairly prompt response or some sort of planning for the future. That is something I have learned from the whole experience. You can actually learn a lot about yourself from dating anybody.

 

[malakos]

You've actually demonstrated considerable lack of empathy in that post above!

That level of "lack of empathy" (an uncharitable description, IMO) is actually quite normal then. Most people, when a demographic they are a member of is trashed, will get defensive.

 

[Frnkd213]

Watch the television show Bones and scorpion, prime example of a person and people with Aspergers. Missing social cues and appearing to have no tact can be frustrating however knowing this, you can have a relationship, though it may appear as if you are doing all the work, if your partner is okay with your labeling of any social awkward behavior and willing to "shut their mouth"- usually it's the comments made that are rude, curt,or dismissive, than it can be a great loving relationship.

An expectation with communicating and concrete timelines can be helpful to reduce annoyances and frustration. Remember the person with aspergers may appear like a robot or machine, so you have to "program" it. Not to be disrespectful, I work with people with Aspergers and being to the point without nagging will make for a harmonious relationship.

 

[SillyGayBoy]

I have high functioning AS.

I do text. I do ask questions. I have made mistakes but make less every day and I am always learning. There was less knowledge when I was a kid then there is now.

I have been with a man 7 years. We have both had to adapt to the other. Lately I have struggled with keeping the house clean but not on purpose. Part of it is I am depressed from my vet accidentally killing my cat but I am dealing with it but find it hard to quit thinking about.

 

[PhillyPrick]

Wow sounds like you both put a lot of work into the relationship. I think part of my experience was the actual man behind the aspergers did not want to put the work in, expected me to adapt, just be available whenever and go days without texting. I could tell he had actual feelings for me though, he did some nice things like cook dinner he was generous too. It was just very complicated.

 

[SillyGayBoy]

Let's not treat all people with Autism as the same though. They are very different. I know people with Asperger's that had no problems making friends for instance, the issues are different. There are infinite possibilities.

I can't have conversations while music is on or in loud restaurants. I don't talk during tv shows and need captions to follow the dialogue since people talk too fast on tv. I am good at my job as a massage therapist though and people really appreciate my work.

Adam is a neat freak and I am not. We eventually had to decide what areas I can have for my things and what needed to be clean. We also made a room for storage of my items.