Dating while married.

[luvinlife83]

Okay, here a scenario:

a couple is married, supposedly they love each other very much. One spouse is away for a long time lets say out of the country for business but the other spouse can't go. They see each other every once in a while but not as much as they would like too or so they tell everyone.
Is it okay for the either spouse to DATE someone while still married? Is there a difference between dating and a loving relationship? Who would have a problem with this? how serious and what is your definition of "dating"?

 

[Reddhott]

It depends on the agreement between the couple. If they agree to an open relationship, that is their business. If the expectation is for monogamy, then it's cheating.

 

[luvinlife83]

It depends on the agreement between the couple. If they agree to an open relationship, that is their business. If the expectation is for monogamy, then it's cheating.

I thought about that, but they claim to love each other soooo much, so I just can't see that kind of love AND have an open relationship.

 

[AlexDB9]

It depends on the agreement between the couple. If they agree to an open relationship, that is their business. If the expectation is for monogamy, then it's cheating.

I agree. I also don't get involved in other people's marriages.

 

[luvinlife83]

I agree. I also don't get involved in other people's marriages.

Oh im nowhere near this mess, just seems like the "out of country" spouse is getting the raw end of the deal here.

 

[Reddhott]

I thought about that, but they claim to love each other soooo much, so I just can't see that kind of love AND have an open relationship.

While I would not do an open relationship, that seems a bit of a stretch to me.

Also, don't get involved in other peoples' marriages.

 

[mikeyinbrooklyn]

I truly think these threads are fake, but I'll bite and answer anyway.

Always wrong to cheat. If the marriage is on the rocks, end it. If it isn't, cherish what you have and don't violate it. There is no such thing as "permission" in a relationship. Anyone granting permission is either themselves checked out of the relationship or feeling blackmailed into authorizing the cheating. Humans are in fact capable of not humping the leg of everyone that walks by, unlike some dogs. Cheating is a sad lack of self control, a spit in the face of your partner, and an orgasmic statement of "I don't belong in a relationship, because I value the ejaculation more than my partner." It is all of those things even if you think you have permission or think that your partner will never find out. If you can't stand the long absences- reasonable enough in most cases (although not always, if your spouse is in the military, or incapable of sex due to medical treatment, etc)- you need to discuss the practical arrangements of your relationship. You might be able to work things out in that regard, or you might decide that day to day living arrangements can't be made to work (a good relationship has both love and an ability to work as couple, two totally different things). If you want to sleep around- which is less satisfying every day you get older- then don't pretend you should be in a relationship.

 

[luvinlife83]

I truly think these threads are fake, but I'll bite and answer anyway.

Always wrong to cheat. If the marriage is on the rocks, end it. If it isn't, cherish what you have and don't violate it. There is no such thing as "permission" in a relationship. Anyone granting permission is either themselves checked out of the relationship or feeling blackmailed into authorizing the cheating. Humans are in fact capable of not humping the leg of everyone that walks by, unlike some dogs. Cheating is a sad lack of self control, a spit in the face of your partner, and an orgasmic statement of "I don't belong in a relationship, because I value the ejaculation more than my partner." It is all of those things even if you think you have permission or think that your partner will never find out. If you can't stand the long absences- reasonable enough in most cases (although not always, if your spouse is in the military, or incapable of sex due to medical treatment, etc)- you need to discuss the practical arrangements of your relationship. You might be able to work things out in that regard, or you might decide that day to day living arrangements can't be made to work (a good relationship has both love and an ability to work as couple, two totally different things). If you want to sleep around- which is less satisfying every day you get older- then don't pretend you should be in a relationship.

I agree 100%

 

[Reddhott]

I truly think these threads are fake, but I'll bite and answer anyway.

Always wrong to cheat. If the marriage is on the rocks, end it. If it isn't, cherish what you have and don't violate it. There is no such thing as "permission" in a relationship. Anyone granting permission is either themselves checked out of the relationship or feeling blackmailed into authorizing the cheating. Humans are in fact capable of not humping the leg of everyone that walks by, unlike some dogs. Cheating is a sad lack of self control, a spit in the face of your partner, and an orgasmic statement of "I don't belong in a relationship, because I value the ejaculation more than my partner." It is all of those things even if you think you have permission or think that your partner will never find out. If you can't stand the long absences- reasonable enough in most cases (although not always, if your spouse is in the military, or incapable of sex due to medical treatment, etc)- you need to discuss the practical arrangements of your relationship. You might be able to work things out in that regard, or you might decide that day to day living arrangements can't be made to work (a good relationship has both love and an ability to work as couple, two totally different things). If you want to sleep around- which is less satisfying every day you get older- then don't pretend you should be in a relationship.

This is why you are one of my favorite posters here.

 

[LaFemme]

I truly think these threads are fake, but I'll bite and answer anyway.

Always wrong to cheat. If the marriage is on the rocks, end it. If it isn't, cherish what you have and don't violate it. There is no such thing as "permission" in a relationship. Anyone granting permission is either themselves checked out of the relationship or feeling blackmailed into authorizing the cheating. Humans are in fact capable of not humping the leg of everyone that walks by, unlike some dogs. Cheating is a sad lack of self control, a spit in the face of your partner, and an orgasmic statement of "I don't belong in a relationship, because I value the ejaculation more than my partner." It is all of those things even if you think you have permission or think that your partner will never find out. If you can't stand the long absences- reasonable enough in most cases (although not always, if your spouse is in the military, or incapable of sex due to medical treatment, etc)- you need to discuss the practical arrangements of your relationship. You might be able to work things out in that regard, or you might decide that day to day living arrangements can't be made to work (a good relationship has both love and an ability to work as couple, two totally different things). If you want to sleep around- which is less satisfying every day you get older- then don't pretend you should be in a relationship.

Another person who agrees with you! :smile:

What's the purpose of dating? For me, it's exploring the possibility of having a relationship with another person that includes sexual contact. If I'm in a relationship, then if I don't need to date. (Thank heavens, because I hate dating!)

If I want to go out and have a good time, I have lots of friends - men and women; gay and straight. If my "relationship" parameters allowed sex, then I might find a FB and stick with no strings sex. I'm not going to combine dating and sex together because I want to protect my primary relationship.

Moot point for me anyway. If I'm in a relationship, I'm all in. Near or far, regardless of time apart - I am all in. No dating or sex outside. Just the kind of woman I am. At least so far! :biggrin1:

 

[twoton]

Is it okay for the either spouse to DATE someone while still married? Is there a difference between dating and a loving relationship? Who would have a problem with this? how serious and what is your definition of "dating"?

How about if the spouses aren't separated by thousands of miles, but by several hours of overtime work?

Because I know a woman who goes on dates when her husband works late. She justifies it by saying she doesn't want to spend her evenings alone. I don't know how he feels about it, because he doesn't know that I know.

Cheating is cheating. If everyone is in agreement about it--part of me still says it's cheating--but maybe it's not as bad. I find it hard to believe that two people who are in love would both be agreeable to it. But obviously it happens, and lots of couples survive it.

Seems to me, though, like playing with fire. Just a date here and there, and then the date becomes a little more attractive, and one thing leads to another and another failed marriage.

 

[Uncutpete]

I truly think these threads are fake, but I'll bite and answer anyway.

Always wrong to cheat. If the marriage is on the rocks, end it. If it isn't, cherish what you have and don't violate it. There is no such thing as "permission" in a relationship. Anyone granting permission is either themselves checked out of the relationship or feeling blackmailed into authorizing the cheating. Humans are in fact capable of not humping the leg of everyone that walks by, unlike some dogs. Cheating is a sad lack of self control, a spit in the face of your partner, and an orgasmic statement of "I don't belong in a relationship, because I value the ejaculation more than my partner." It is all of those things even if you think you have permission or think that your partner will never find out. If you can't stand the long absences- reasonable enough in most cases (although not always, if your spouse is in the military, or incapable of sex due to medical treatment, etc)- you need to discuss the practical arrangements of your relationship. You might be able to work things out in that regard, or you might decide that day to day living arrangements can't be made to work (a good relationship has both love and an ability to work as couple, two totally different things). If you want to sleep around- which is less satisfying every day you get older- then don't pretend you should be in a relationship.

This is why you don't deserve to live in Brooklyn... or maybe you don't live in a hipster neighborhood. I'm just kidding, but I am amazed at the rigid certainty with which you lay down your ideas about relationships, filled with rules and definitions which you seem to apply to everyone.

Over my life, I have known couples who have had all sorts of varieties of successful and long relationships, from rigidly monogamous, through selected affairs, polyamory, other male partners for the wife, other female partners for the husband, other same sex partners for either spouse, various forms of what is called 'swinging', to full scale open marriage. All have been successful, honest, loving partnerships. Of course I have known failed marriages as well, but monogamous ones fail as often as open ones do.

I'm sure you, and those who jump in to agree with you, feel very satisfied with your post. You know exactly which people feel blackmailed, what sleeping around means to every couple, who can be in a relationship. Are you taking dictation from the Catholic Church? That could be the only way that you can be so sure of yourself and your opinions. Otherwise, you only have your own very small personal experience to judge from.

You have no right to make pronouncements about other people's attempts to build lives for themselves in this very imperfect, and fluid, world of sexuality that we all live in... especially in Brooklyn.

 

[Countryguy63]

I truly think these threads are fake, but I'll bite and answer anyway.

Always wrong to cheat. If the marriage is on the rocks, end it. If it isn't, cherish what you have and don't violate it. There is no such thing as "permission" in a relationship. Anyone granting permission is either themselves checked out of the relationship or feeling blackmailed into authorizing the cheating. Humans are in fact capable of not humping the leg of everyone that walks by, unlike some dogs. Cheating is a sad lack of self control, a spit in the face of your partner, and an orgasmic statement of "I don't belong in a relationship, because I value the ejaculation more than my partner." It is all of those things even if you think you have permission or think that your partner will never find out. If you can't stand the long absences- reasonable enough in most cases (although not always, if your spouse is in the military, or incapable of sex due to medical treatment, etc)- you need to discuss the practical arrangements of your relationship. You might be able to work things out in that regard, or you might decide that day to day living arrangements can't be made to work (a good relationship has both love and an ability to work as couple, two totally different things). If you want to sleep around- which is less satisfying every day you get older- then don't pretend you should be in a relationship.

It's "Cheating" only if done without the others knowledge, or against their wishes. If I understand it right, this is an agreement that this couple worked out.

Oh im nowhere near this mess, just seems like the "out of country" spouse is getting the raw end of the deal here.

Are they both dating?

Me personally, I couldn't "date" others, but that's because I consider "dating" as trying to connect emotionally as well as physically. For me, that would be trouble. However, for others, it seems to work and I don't judge them for that.

 

[puckman4]

This is why you don't deserve to live in Brooklyn... or maybe you don't live in a hipster neighborhood. I'm just kidding, but I am amazed at the rigid certainty with which you lay down your ideas about relationships, filled with rules and definitions which you seem to apply to everyone.

Over my life, I have known couples who have had all sorts of varieties of successful and long relationships, from rigidly monogamous, through selected affairs, polyamory, other male partners for the wife, other female partners for the husband, other same sex partners for either spouse, various forms of what is called 'swinging', to full scale open marriage. All have been successful, honest, loving partnerships. Of course I have known failed marriages as well, but monogamous ones fail as often as open ones do.

I'm sure you, and those who jump in to agree with you, feel very satisfied with your post. You know exactly which people feel blackmailed, what sleeping around means to every couple, who can be in a relationship. Are you taking dictation from the Catholic Church? That could be the only way that you can be so sure of yourself and your opinions. Otherwise, you only have your own very small personal experience to judge from.

You have no right to make pronouncements about other people's attempts to build lives for themselves in this very imperfect, and fluid, world of sexuality that we all live in... especially in Brooklyn.

you always come across as Pete the uncut gigolo.....get over yourself

 

[need2bsexy2]

I have been with many couples that just wanted to share and keep the sexual variety in their life. There has been no insult, criticism or insult delivered to anybody. They just want to keep their sex alive.

If this is what they want and are fulfilled by it, who am I to blame? I have always thanked them for wanting to share and how much I appreciated the sharing. Some couples want to do this and I am happy to fill the bill

 

[mikeyinbrooklyn]

This is why you don't deserve to live in Brooklyn... or maybe you don't live in a hipster neighborhood. I'm just kidding, but I am amazed at the rigid certainty with which you lay down your ideas about relationships, filled with rules and definitions which you seem to apply to everyone.

Pete, this thread (like all of them, I suppose) is to solicit opinions. I have strong ones. Everyone is free to disagree or ignore anyone else's opinion. I will admit I have probably made most neighborhoods I've lived in less cool. Consider me the hip replacement.

I think relationships (including marriage, gay or straight) can be wonderful for people. They can instill confidence, stability, health (not just referring to STDs, partnered people are generally in better health and live longer; my brother discovered his wife's breast cancer), financial security and provide a safe haven for love and happiness. Now, obviously, not everyone wants to be in a relationship, or are at a point where they don't want to be in one (there is nothing wrong with dating!). And of course, many relationships don't work out.

But I don't understand why someone would want a serious "relationship" when the essential underpinning of the union- that you are pairing up with one person in pursuit of a happy life together- is disregarded. The confidence, stability, health, and financial security made to buttress your love and happiness are weakened by bringing other people into your bed.

On another note, while it is not anyone's responsibility to live their life for a larger group's benefit, I think some gay men do the larger group a disservice by perpetuating the thought that we're hedonists who think only with our dicks. HIV was not caused by gay men; but a lot of transmission has occurred- and continues to- because some of us put more import in instant sexual pleasure of barebacking or sleeping around than in making responsible decisions.

In a good relationship, you are part of something bigger than yourself. Me-centered people disregard the benefits of a faithful relationship in much the same way that some people operate based only on sex-drive. If those are someone's life decisions, it's their life. But why pretend to be dedicating yourself to something larger than your dick when you aren't?

 

[auspoz]

That isn't marriage.

 

[EllieP]

I understand what open relationships are, but I don't understand how they can work.

Of course, I could never be a part of something like that. I have a few very close friends that I go out with for dinner when my husband is on tour. I don't need another relationship to make up for what I'm missing when he's gone. Our relationship is strong enough to carry me through those times.

There is a person in my neighborhood who goes out "with the girls" every single Monday night. Her husband told me about it a few years ago and asked if I was one of the pack at a block party. I told him I wasn't. Actually, I barely knew either of them except I would see them working in their yard or leaving for work.

Last year the street gossip was that she wasn't really having an affair, just sleeping with random men she'd meet on Mondays. Yes, she was going out with the girls but not returning with them.

I was told he found out, but strangely enough, they're still married.

Like I said, not my cup of tea.

 

[185248]

Okay, here a scenario:

a couple is married, supposedly they love each other very much. One spouse is away for a long time lets say out of the country for business but the other spouse can't go. They see each other every once in a while but not as much as they would like too or so they tell everyone.
Is it okay for the either spouse to DATE someone while still married? Is there a difference between dating and a loving relationship? Who would have a problem with this? how serious and what is your definition of "dating"?

Umm....Scenario, I was married and the partner I was married to dated another unbeknown to me? Would it be ok? No. If it was pre-arranged, non of your or my biz.

Next scenario....