Getting Over Someone

Goodtill

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Hi all,

I hesitate to write this because I'm a guy who has had previous relationships. Who has loved someone dearly and had to let him go. Who's been through this, basically. But yet I feel like this is new. So, to get to it:

I met a guy a few months ago who I connected to on a different level. And trust me, this was completely different. I opened him to him about things I've never done with anyone. The issue was his ex still lives with him and they sleep in the same bed. He said they broke up 2 years ago and he hasn't met anyone which is why he didn't kick him out. Also that his ex is depressed and he didn't want to kick him out in the midst of the pandemic.

We wanted to date but we both know nothing can happen until he deals with his situation. We keep coming back to each other though. It starts with an "I miss you" and then we start talking again not officially dating or anything. Last night we decided again to stop talking to each other and he said he'd look for me when he's done, which who knows if it's true or not. But, regardless, it's hard to let him go. We had great sex, we did things I hadn't done with anyone else, we had deep conversations, etc. The previous time we said we would stop, we didn't talk for a month (an idea of the fact we've tried to stop talking).

My thing is: how do I let go? I don't want to let him go. Not just because I care deeply about him but because he made me feel so amazing. I know I can possibly find that again but for me it's very rare. I've dated a lot since my last ex 3 years ago and this guy is the first guy I've actually cared about.

How do I let go and move on? Do you guys do anything in particular when trying to let go of someone? What do you all do to keep yourself from thinking about that person? How do you not manage to message them? I know we're all different and some people are really strong and in this instance, I feel very weak and it does bother me since I don't know how to handle it. Thoughts?
 
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I met a guy a few months ago who I connected to on a different level. And trust me, this was completely different. I opened him to him about things I've never done with anyone. The issue was his ex still lives with him and they sleep in the same bed. He said they broke up 2 years ago and he hasn't met anyone which is why he didn't kick him out. Also that his ex is depressed and he didn't want to kick him out in the midst of the pandemic.

The first thing you have to do in order to move on is to realize that he was using you. Even if I wanted to believe his reason for why he and his ex were still sharing a bed (at a minimum one of them should have been on the couch), that would have stopped the moment you two "connected on a different level." You may have connected to him on a different level, but he didn't. He found someone he could have sex with and could keep having sex with so long as he put out a little bit of effort to make you feel there was something more to your relationship.

Then you have to delete his number and all previous text messages and pictures from your phone and computer. Everything must go. No holding on to anything as a keepsake of what you once felt. Trash. It. All. Then you need to block his number on your phone so he can't call or text you. Block his email address as well so all his messages are immediately deleted. If he contacts you at all from another number or email, you immediately delete and block it. And you do it again and again if you have to.

I promise I'm not trying to be mean. I feel for you. I really do. But what I've said above is exactly what you need to be told right now. The longer you put it off, the more difficult it will be for you to let go and move on.
 

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No one can tell you your timeframe. You do you. Just try not to get into extremes. Being vulnerable sucks, but only you know how to help yourself get better. I've had emotional responses that broke me after two months even more than after two years. We can all be broken in different ways. Just know it will stop hurting, and moving on is the key, but... how and when you do that is on you.
 

dreamer20

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I met a guy a few months ago who I connected to on a different level...I opened him to him about things I've never done with anyone. The issue was his ex still lives with him...they sleep in the same bed. He said they broke up 2 years ago and he ...didn't kick him out...his ex is depressed and he didn't want to kick him out in the midst of the pandemic.We wanted to date but we both know nothing can happen until he deals with his situation...we keep coming back to each other...we start talking again not officially dating or anything...But, regardless, it's hard to let him go. We had great sex, we did things I hadn't done with anyone else, we had deep conversations, etc...How do I let go and move on? I don't want to let him go...What do you all do to keep yourself from thinking about that person?

One flimsy excuse after another made by HIM. Obviously the pandemic didn't factor into this situation as it hasn't deterred HIM from comingling with either of you. If you mutually had such a deep connection, EX, and EX's depression, shouldn't be obstacles to your seeing and communicating with each other. You could have told HIM to stop cramping your relationship, ensure both of you told EX you would be dating and recommended EX seek therapy for his depression - which wouldn't be a problem as EX was just a houseguest. But you are ready to move on. Just tell HIM that you believe he lied to you about the EX situation and call it quits. Remember how he deceived you whenever you think of him to stengthen your resolve.
 

Goodtill

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I wish I was as strong as all of you who have replied so far. I caved and called him, but he didn't answer nor respond, which I'm glad for.

I keep rereading what all of you said and I'm trying to implement it. The first step is definitely blocking his number. The next is implementing the different ideas of what to do and the thoughts. I don't want the thoughts to make me resent him but I need to keep them in the back of my mind to at least make it easier to move forward.

I have these moments when I feel even weaker though, especially when I'm alone. I'm trying to not have silence in my life like, putting the radio on when I'm taking a shower or keeping the TV on when I'm in my room. During this pandemic it feels hard to do anything to distract myself but I know I just need to be creative on what to do.
 

cedarizzo

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His ex and him are not done with their relationship. They are in the after relationship phase were they still live together, still hang around with each other, still having sex together. Neither one of them is seriously looking to move on with their lives. They are still okay with being in that post-relationship relationship.

Your "friend" might have thought he ready to move on, but he isn't working hard on it. He tested the waters with you. But he still went back to his ex. He isn't ready.

Your best bet is to realize that no matter what he told you, he really isn't wanting to leave his ex. If he had been ready, he would have already kicked the ex out.