Have you ever asked a partner if they cheated on you?

[erpap]

Do you think the answered you honestly? Did you believe their answer?

 

[Sagittarius84]

I have, but because I'm always upfront upon relationship establishment that infidelity is an instant deal breaker, I don't think I could ever really trust the answer...so I tend not to.

 

[Stephenmass]

Only if I know he has. If he still lies about it, later. GFY. Don't lie to my face and Fk behind my back because it eventually comes around. If I know and you lie, it's over.

 

[MisterB]

Do you think the answered you honestly? Did you believe their answer?

Had this issue with my first two live-in loves.

Each of them lied.

And no I didn't believe them because I already knew that each of them had cheated.

That's why I asked; to give each the chance to come clean and talk about it. And see if we could maybe work through it.

Two dealbreakers I have:

1. Liars
2. Cheaters.

And when you lie to me about something I already know the answer to, what else are you lying to me about?

Each of them was gone posthaste from my life.

 

[Nigel Atkinson]

Had this issue with my first two live-in loves.

Each of them lied.

And no I didn't believe them because I already knew that each of them had cheated.

That's why I asked; to give each the chance to come clean and talk about it. And see if we could maybe work through it.

Two dealbreakers I have:

1. Liars
2. Cheaters.

And when you lie to me about something I already know the answer to, what else are you lying to me about?

Each of them was gone posthaste from my life.

Did they ever tell you why they cheated ? I’m always curious as to what drives a person to cheat.

 

[MisterB]

Did they ever tell you why they cheated ? I’m always curious as to what drives a person to cheat.

Looking back, it was obvious that neither of them at that time were ready for an exclusive relationship, despite all their "I love you" "You're the one" etc.

For both of them, it was opportunity coupled with a case of the hornies.

First boyfriend cheated when I was 1,000 miles away visiting my parents. "How could you expect me to sit at home while you were gone" was his rationale.

Second boyfriend cheated when he went record shopping while I was working and the clerk hit on him. "He was cute" was the justification.

It's not like I wasn't putting out, lol.

 

[Nigel Atkinson]

Looking back, it was obvious that neither of them at that time were ready for an exclusive relationship, despite all their "I love you" "You're the one" etc.

For both of them, it was opportunity coupled with a case of the hornies.

First boyfriend cheated when I was 1,000 miles away visiting my parents. "How could you expect me to sit at home while you were gone" was his rationale.

Second boyfriend cheated when he went record shopping while I was working and the clerk hit on him. "He was cute" was the justification.

It's not like I wasn't putting out, lol.

OMG ! What a horrible excuse. I don’t understand why some people get into a relationship to just turn around and cheat. SMH

 

[stpeteguy727]

Ha! Yes, I just asked my fwb the other day. Yes, we are friends and there is no "exclusivity", but what happened was he canceled on me for the night...you know just a few hours before we were to meet. He then sent a "you're really growing on me" text. Yep...he felt guilty. So being the Nancy Drew that I am and with luck on my side...he was on twitter live chat thing and announced to the group that he was leaving the gym, getting a protein shake and off to go fuck. Well, that fuck was not me. So I deleted all these whatsapp messages in response to his "growing on me" message and he saw that and got nervous. "deleted messages...are you ok?" I wrote "honestly, are you off to fuck" and he said yes. He then called and tried to talk himself out of it that he was "horny" and a fine line between disrespect and not telling the whole truth. whatever. Um...you're horny but not for me??? Not an excuse for being an ass.

So yeah...when I suspected something I asked. Sometimes I feel like it is a cycle...you think so then you find evidence. Not a good place to be in.

 

[Uptownbumps]

My partners tell me about any sex they have without me...in great detail as foreplay

 

[mintaraga]

Looking back, it was obvious that neither of them at that time was ready for an exclusive relationship, despite all their "I love you" "You're the one" etc.

For both of them, it was opportunity coupled with a case of the hornies.

First boyfriend cheated when I was 1,000 miles away visiting my parents. "How could you expect me to sit at home while you were gone" was his rationale.

Second boyfriend cheated when he went record shopping while I was working and the clerk hit on him. "He was cute" was the justification.

It's not like I wasn't putting out, lol.

Oh shit, that's a horrible excuse man. I never see any good justification for cheaters. it's a good thing they are out of your life now.

 

[art]

Nope...Never asked, 'cause I really didn't care. In relationships (not just random one-night fuck-and-forget), we were fucking often enough, and they were always willing and never offered any excuses ("I've got a headache..."), I figured I was probably their only sex partner.

 

[deleted13716601]

I asked my ex-wife -- she first denied, then she admitted she was.
She used to be a sizequeen, but she's come to the conclusion that a huge penis should be only occasional and isn't boyfriend or husband material. She thinks my endowment is too much to handle on a regular basis. She thinks it's too draining and also blames me for making her holes a bit loose. She told me "At the end of the day, fucking guys with huge dicks like yours is not comfortable - not practical". She said she felt bad for me but thought I was cursed. Her current partner has a small penis.

 

[EquusAZ]

"Have I ever asked a partner if they cheated on me. Do you think the answered you honestly? Did you believe their answer?"

Hoooo boy. Short answer, yes. Did I think they answered me honestly? Depended on the person. Did I believe their answer? Same.

Long answer.

People lie. Maybe not big lies, but little lies, and the thing about lies is that they can breed and grow bigger and bigger until we loose track of ourselves in our lies. The trick is to be honest and not lie. Sounds easy right? Well, it is, and it isn't. It's easy because honesty will clear the air and leave things open so there is no doubt. The problem with that is sometimes you are going to hurt someone with your honesty.

I think the biggest problem isn't asking or believing, but what lead to the situation of you having to ask, and then trust in the answer given, or not, dependant on the case.

Some people are insecure and will ask the question because they have a low sense of self worth and can't believe someone is 'with them.' My ex husband was adamant that I was cheating on him. I absolutely wasn't. Didn't change his mind. Wasn't the reason we divorced, but it was one reason he gave. Zero evidence and 'I just know' isn't an answer to an attorney or a judge.

Some people will ask to, as one person put it, give the other party a chance to come clean. However, that sometimes isn't the reason people give. The reason they ask is so they can have a sense of moral superiority about the situation and then blast the person when they lie. Passive aggressive / entrapment.

I will say this, there are people who cheated on me and lied, and there are those who did and told the truth. Guess which ones got my respect and I didn't break up with them. Think you know? Well, here's the rub. It isn't whether or not they lied to me, its about WHY they cheated on me. Was it me, or was it them? If its ME...well then we broke up - because I'm not changing ME for anyone. If it was them and they had a moment of weakness and if they were repentant then we'd have another discussion about that - and evolve the relationship we have dependant on the need.

Why? Well, we're all human. Digging down into the reason for the cheating is a MUCH more important answer to find than any kind of 'truth' about lieing and all that. Yeah, I will break up with someone if they lied and just didn't respect me - don't get me wrong - but I do have ears and want to know why...and if there is a reason that existed that is a human reason, that there is contrition and a willingness to talk it through, then thats a reason to not get all twisted up in some sence of 18th century Euro-centric ideal of what a relationship should be and it doesn't matter if they lied to me. ONCE...more than that? Different story and different topic.

Sometimes I think there is way to much 'slut shaming' going on in society today.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Sometimes I think there is way to much 'slut shaming' going on in society today.

Sometimes I agree, but often times I think this is an opinion formed from the "privilege" of not being heterosexual and being free all of the trappings of our intergender dynamics. I also think "slut shaming" has become an inaccurate catch-all for any and all observations of promiscuity that isn't packaged with an encouraging opinion; designed to escape any legitimate concerns or criticisms of the well documented consequences of irresponsible sexual behaviors.....I also think there is underlying resentment for slut shaming because it is often only really aimed towards women, or the more effeminate half of a relationship, which on the surface seems unfair, but tracks pretty accurately with what we tend to value in each other: purity for women and experience for men.

 

[EquusAZ]

Fair points - well said...

However I still stand by the main points I've made about the situation on 'catching' our partners cheating.

Most of the issues I always have with people 'catching' their partners in infidelities are sometimes doing it out of revenge and self-righteousness and less out of a sense of 'I'll let it go if they come clean.' Sometimes people use this as a justification to avoid a difficult sitaution. By laying a trap and letting them fall for it, you avoid having the more difficult discussion of 'why did you lie to me or really cheat on me' in any meaningful way and destroy the chance at a conversation through entrapment. A 'better' way of approaching this would be...

"Hey, I am uncomfortable and upset because I found out....<insert proof of infedelity here> and I feel <insert honest feeling here>." I totally understand the not wanting to have a nonmonogomous partner, or being betrayed, I really do, however, I think understanding our own feelings about it and the motivations of the other side are important not only for self growth but understanding the person and why you got to where you are.

Sounds wussy but its a valid way of approaching a dificult situation. Entraping the other person can send someone who has real issues into ultra defensive mode. It could be the other person feels trapped in the relationship and wants out. Maybe they aren't feeling valued. What about am addiction to sex? All things that are difficult to say and hard to bring up.

We treat these things differently sometimes and in ways that we shouldn't - through hostility and a lack of understanding and a need to entrap someone and take out our anger and a need feel self-righteous.

And I get it. Sometimes thats something we need and want when we've been betrayed. Each one is a case by case situation and we all handle things differently.

 

[shady ace]

The one that mattered the most didn't and that still means a lot.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Most of the issues I always have with people 'catching' their partners in infidelities are sometimes doing it out of revenge and self-righteousness and less out of a sense of 'I'll let it go if they come clean.'

That's more on the cheater than the cheated...the sense of revenge and righteousness is typically in parallel with having had no idea infidelity was even an issue. If a cheater opted immediately before or immediately after to come clean, without any lies or deception involved, my guess is a lot more people would then be willing to let it go.

Sounds wussy but its a valid way of approaching a dificult situation. Entraping the other person can send someone who has real issues into ultra defensive mode. It could be the other person feels trapped in the relationship and wants out. Maybe they aren't feeling valued. What about am addiction to sex? All things that are difficult to say and hard to bring up.

I think the only reason why this is difficult or hard to bring up is primarily becomes it makes one subject to the others' justified selectivity, or it will force the cheating partner to make concessions within the relationship that they aren't prepared to endure. In that sense, the trapped feeling refers more to their comfort in a living situation or sexual access, than anything actually holding them up.
A parallel construct common to hetero world where this is on full display is when one partner in a monogamous relationship decides that in order to get access to another without cheating, will bring up an open relationship only to find out later, their partner is more sought after than they are.
This is all to say, that it most instances while it's easy and self serving to cheaters and their sympathizers to categorize the OP question or the tone it is asked as some sort of shallow trap, I think it's more accurately identified as a final olive branch, maybe not for the relationship or dynamic the cheater is trying to preserve, but for common human decency and respect.

 

[Sagittarius84]

As I said earlier, being heterosexual also puts additional weight upon the question of infidelity, that justifies the righteous and accusatory tone it often takes, in ways that wouldn't necessarily affect homosexual people. So for a male, questioning his female significant other about her possible cheating isn't just about the morality or motivations behind it, it's about now calculating her real world propensity for paternity fraud, about if she is now liable to allow other men to harm or kill him...women don't typically have those particular issues to worry about, they have absolute certainty of maternity, and cheating is rarely an antagonistic effort made overt made by a male partner, but an opportunistic one; but there is still an objective concern raised about resources maybe being divided in a way that is disadvantageous to her and her offspring.
So because of that, cheating inquiries and accusations amongst hetero couples is always going to come with a reasonable aura of antagonistic intent, the consequences are much more absolute.

 

[deleted18388141]

No
It s a biiig no!

 

[Obelisk8]

No, I haven't asked. I have been told, though, in guilty confessions. It's crushing. So in a way I'd rather not know because I don't really begrudge a woman cheating. I just don't want her to lie about cheating.