Hot and Cold: The Friend That Wasn’t

[SourCandles]

It all started during my second year at university. I had just joined a campus dance crew, something I was both nervous and excited about. I hadn’t really danced seriously in a while, but I was drawn to the idea of pushing myself and being around passionate people again. I was assigned to a performance team, and from the first rehearsal, I felt like I’d found a community. Everyone was so warm, and I started falling in love with the process all over again.


There were a few guys in the group, but one stood out...for all the wrong reasons. From the beginning, he was cold toward me. Not just shy or quiet, straight-up dismissive, sometimes even rude. But I didn’t give it too much thought. I wasn’t trying to be friends with everyone, and I figured he was just one of those aloof types.


Then one day, mid-rehearsal, his demeanor completely shifted. Out of nowhere, he was friendly, talkative, even warm. I was caught off guard but thought maybe he was just starting to come out of his shell. I’m pretty extroverted, while he gave major introvert energy (INFP-ish, if you’re into MBTI). Slowly, unexpectedly, I started developing a crush.


It wasn’t even that he was my type, he really wasn’t, but something about the way he started treating me made me soften. That feeling didn’t last long though. Literally the next rehearsal, he acted like I didn’t exist. It was jarring. I went from thinking we were growing closer to feeling like a stranger again. The inconsistency turned me off completely. Hot and cold behavior is one of my biggest icks, so I dropped the crush then and there.


After our performance, I assumed that would be the end of our connection. We didn’t really speak after that, and I thought we'd drift apart naturally. But then, a couple months later, he messaged me out of the blue. He said he wanted to join the same crew as me for the next year. This was surprising, since we’d never talked privately before. Suddenly he was being friendly, chatty, gossiping like we were close.


I was caught off guard, but I tried to be nice. Maybe I still had a tiny lingering crush...or maybe I was just trying to figure him out. At the end of the conversation, he jokingly said, “You’re really making me join this crew again, huh?” It felt... out of place? Forced? But I let it go.


We didn't talk much afterward, but we did bump into each other at a concert where he was really friendly, smiling, taking pictures with me, chatting like we were actually good friends. I started thinking, okay, maybe this is something. Maybe we are becoming friends after all.


When the next year began, he was, again, super friendly. We ended up on the same crew and even in the same department for organizing logistics. He’d do these small but endearing things, like once during rehearsal he booped my nose and smiled, or subtly adjusted the choreo to put his arm around me in a group move. It wasn’t intense or flirty, just these small gestures that made me think, maybe he actually cares?


But from early on, I noticed he was not the most reliable when it came to responsibilities. Communication issues started stacking up. He’d make decisions without checking in, and I’d be left to clean up the mess. Still, I tried to let it slide. I vented about it to others, sure, but I didn’t make it a huge deal… at first.


Then, other people started noticing the same things. They began talking about how frustrating he was to work with, how he avoided responsibilities and wasn’t easy to trust. While everyone else was dragging him, for some reason, I flipped. I started defending him and even texted him saying how I don't fully agree with what's being said as he was lowkey being bullied. That's when I told him how I felt about him (without the romantic side of things...) and how I didn't like him at first but he grew on me and I would like for him to be more communicative. I don’t even know why. I guess I felt bad? Or I thought he deserved a chance?


That shift brought us closer. We finally started talking properly. He opened up to me in a way I hadn’t seen from him before. He told me how much he appreciated me, how glad he was to be working with me. It was so unexpected, especially since his reputation was being emotionally distant and unreadable. It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t imagining the bond between us.


After that, our friendship deepened. He was more physically present, more verbally appreciative. He even got comfortable around me in ways others hadn’t seen before, he started telling me secrets he wouldn't tell his closest friends. Friends started asking if something was going on between us. It was a fair question, people had never seen him behave like that, and even I was confused. I didn’t know much about his romantic life, but I’d heard he’d never dated anyone and wasn’t really romantically interested in people. That said, his energy? Let’s just say it didn’t read "straight," and he often came across as quite flamboyant. But hey, labels aren’t everything, and I wasn’t trying to assume.


Unfortunately, things didn’t stay good for long.


Despite our “friendship,” he continued being unreliable. Responsibilities were being dropped, things weren’t getting done, and I was the one left stressed. One particularly serious slip-up almost put us in breach of a formal agreement. That’s when I snapped.


I sent a long, angry message calling him out, how he never took things seriously, how irresponsible he was, how I regretted thinking he was a good person. I didn’t hold back.


He never responded.


Not even a word.


That silence hit harder than anything. Because in that moment, I realized he didn’t care enough to even acknowledge the message. No defense. No apology. No conversation. Just silence. And that’s what hurt the most...not the responsibilities, not the miscommunications, not even the crush...but the fact that after everything, he didn’t think I was worth replying to.


Now, we only talk out of necessity. We still have joint commitments to wrap up, but after that, we’ll likely go our separate ways. I’m trying to move on. Slowly healing. But it’s hard not to feel like I imagined the whole thing. That all those nice moments were just me projecting.


I’m not looking for answers about who he is or what he feels...maybe he doesn’t even know. But I’m sharing this because I know there are others out there who’ve felt this kind of emotional confusion too. When someone walks in and out of your life like a flickering light switch, and you’re left sitting in the dark, wondering what was real.


So yeah...if you’ve been through something like this, I’d love to hear how you dealt with it. I’m on the mend, but it still feels like there’s something unresolved. Maybe I’ll never get closure from him, but maybe I can get it from understanding I’m not alone.

 

[jeffery55870]

Hey, I read all of your article, and I think you must be a incredible nice person.And deserve a much better guy for sure, if you can’t move on from him, just think you deserve at least a better version of him, but if he not willing to change maybe it’s not worth and not suitable for you.
When I read your story I thought he just take advantage of you in the beginning .I changed my mind as I read you become good friends and then changed back when same things happened again . In this line it seems he just this types of person which don’t take his own responsibility (feel too complex to reply your message so just choosing not to do) and never changed, I know you put lots efforts trying to get something from him(a close friendship,an unique role in his life, even a possibility of romance.)That’s why you got disappointed. I read a article saying that, “having a correlation with other means you give them part of heart, and it can never coming back.” You did give your true heart to him but he didn’t care about you enough, I think you are frustrated because you have this kind of thought “ Am I not deserve your reply after doing all this stuff.”

However, sometimes there might be some misunderstanding between you, maybe you never know what he truly think. Just a question, do you think you have done thins that might cause uncomfortable to him when you two are still close? However your feeling is the most important thing, if he is a selfish scumbag then why you should care about him? You’re a kind guy, but don’t let them use your kindness to hurt you.

I types all of this because I think I have similar experience as you, one of my best friend in high school who was cold in the beginning then we became good friend and literally did everything together for almost a year.
He told me privately “I’m his best friend” then he ended our friendship after a week he said that. In my case, it did have lots of things which made him uncomfortable and I never noticed when we still close, but it all emerged after we ended our friendship.But again, in your case that in your aspect, he just not deserve at all. Being sad is normal, hope you can move on as soon as possible.

BTW,Unfortunately, after years, I stull got taken advantage of last semester as well.

 

[SourCandles]

Hey, I read all of your article, and I think you must be a incredible nice person.And deserve a much better guy for sure, if you can’t move on from him, just think you deserve at least a better version of him, but if he not willing to change maybe it’s not worth and not suitable for you.
When I read your story I thought he just take advantage of you in the beginning .I changed my mind as I read you become good friends and then changed back when same things happened again . In this line it seems he just this types of person which don’t take his own responsibility (feel too complex to reply your message so just choosing not to do) and never changed, I know you put lots efforts trying to get something from him(a close friendship,an unique role in his life, even a possibility of romance.)That’s why you got disappointed. I read a article saying that, “having a correlation with other means you give them part of heart, and it can never coming back.” You did give your true heart to him but he didn’t care about you enough, I think you are frustrated because you have this kind of thought “ Am I not deserve your reply after doing all this stuff.”

However, sometimes there might be some misunderstanding between you, maybe you never know what he truly think. Just a question, do you think you have done thins that might cause uncomfortable to him when you two are still close? However your feeling is the most important thing, if he is a selfish scumbag then why you should care about him? You’re a kind guy, but don’t let them use your kindness to hurt you.

I types all of this because I think I have similar experience as you, one of my best friend in high school who was cold in the beginning then we became good friend and literally did everything together for almost a year.
He told me privately “I’m his best friend” then he ended our friendship after a week he said that. In my case, it did have lots of things which made him uncomfortable and I never noticed when we still close, but it all emerged after we ended our friendship.But again, in your case that in your aspect, he just not deserve at all. Being sad is normal, hope you can move on as soon as possible.

BTW,Unfortunately, after years, I stull got taken advantage of last semester as well.

Hey, thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this, it really means a lot to me. Reading your message felt like someone truly saw what I was going through, and that’s a rare kind of comfort. I’m really sorry you had such a similar experience; that kind of emotional whiplash, being close, then suddenly cut off, is so hard to process, especially when you’ve been genuine the whole time.





You put it beautifully when you said giving part of your heart never really comes back. I think that’s exactly why it hurts the way it does. I kept trying to make sense of his actions, hoping it meant something, but in the end, I was left confused and emotionally drained. And you’re right, maybe there was a misunderstanding somewhere along the way. I’ve definitely asked myself if I did something wrong, even unintentionally. But at some point, you realize that someone who truly values you won’t just disappear without a word.





Your message reminded me that I’m not alone in this kind of hurt, and I appreciate you being vulnerable and honest about your own story. You sound like someone who cares deeply and gives a lot, and I hope you’ve found people who treat that with the respect it deserves. We both deserve better than being made to feel small for loving or trusting someone too much.





Thank you again for reaching out, it helped more than you know. I’m wishing you healing too, from the past and anything else that’s still lingering.

 

[jeffery55870]

Hey, thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this, it really means a lot to me. Reading your message felt like someone truly saw what I was going through, and that’s a rare kind of comfort. I’m really sorry you had such a similar experience; that kind of emotional whiplash, being close, then suddenly cut off, is so hard to process, especially when you’ve been genuine the whole time.





You put it beautifully when you said giving part of your heart never really comes back. I think that’s exactly why it hurts the way it does. I kept trying to make sense of his actions, hoping it meant something, but in the end, I was left confused and emotionally drained. And you’re right, maybe there was a misunderstanding somewhere along the way. I’ve definitely asked myself if I did something wrong, even unintentionally. But at some point, you realize that someone who truly values you won’t just disappear without a word.





Your message reminded me that I’m not alone in this kind of hurt, and I appreciate you being vulnerable and honest about your own story. You sound like someone who cares deeply and gives a lot, and I hope you’ve found people who treat that with the respect it deserves. We both deserve better than being made to feel small for loving or trusting someone too much.





Thank you again for reaching out, it helped more than you know. I’m wishing you healing too, from the past and anything else that’s still lingering.

Hey mate, we will get better as time passed.It’s okay to be frustrated now because it need time to cure.
But remember It’s all experience could make ourselves better once we absorb that and learn something.We will meet someone better and we also became much better self already all through these experiences.

I appreciate your sincere words too!
Chin up and move forward!we can do that mate!

 

[StareDecisis333]

It all started during my second year at university. I had just joined a campus dance crew, something I was both nervous and excited about. I hadn’t really danced seriously in a while, but I was drawn to the idea of pushing myself and being around passionate people again. I was assigned to a performance team, and from the first rehearsal, I felt like I’d found a community. Everyone was so warm, and I started falling in love with the process all over again.


There were a few guys in the group, but one stood out...for all the wrong reasons. From the beginning, he was cold toward me. Not just shy or quiet, straight-up dismissive, sometimes even rude. But I didn’t give it too much thought. I wasn’t trying to be friends with everyone, and I figured he was just one of those aloof types.


Then one day, mid-rehearsal, his demeanor completely shifted. Out of nowhere, he was friendly, talkative, even warm. I was caught off guard but thought maybe he was just starting to come out of his shell. I’m pretty extroverted, while he gave major introvert energy (INFP-ish, if you’re into MBTI). Slowly, unexpectedly, I started developing a crush.


It wasn’t even that he was my type, he really wasn’t, but something about the way he started treating me made me soften. That feeling didn’t last long though. Literally the next rehearsal, he acted like I didn’t exist. It was jarring. I went from thinking we were growing closer to feeling like a stranger again. The inconsistency turned me off completely. Hot and cold behavior is one of my biggest icks, so I dropped the crush then and there.


After our performance, I assumed that would be the end of our connection. We didn’t really speak after that, and I thought we'd drift apart naturally. But then, a couple months later, he messaged me out of the blue. He said he wanted to join the same crew as me for the next year. This was surprising, since we’d never talked privately before. Suddenly he was being friendly, chatty, gossiping like we were close.


I was caught off guard, but I tried to be nice. Maybe I still had a tiny lingering crush...or maybe I was just trying to figure him out. At the end of the conversation, he jokingly said, “You’re really making me join this crew again, huh?” It felt... out of place? Forced? But I let it go.


We didn't talk much afterward, but we did bump into each other at a concert where he was really friendly, smiling, taking pictures with me, chatting like we were actually good friends. I started thinking, okay, maybe this is something. Maybe we are becoming friends after all.


When the next year began, he was, again, super friendly. We ended up on the same crew and even in the same department for organizing logistics. He’d do these small but endearing things, like once during rehearsal he booped my nose and smiled, or subtly adjusted the choreo to put his arm around me in a group move. It wasn’t intense or flirty, just these small gestures that made me think, maybe he actually cares?


But from early on, I noticed he was not the most reliable when it came to responsibilities. Communication issues started stacking up. He’d make decisions without checking in, and I’d be left to clean up the mess. Still, I tried to let it slide. I vented about it to others, sure, but I didn’t make it a huge deal… at first.


Then, other people started noticing the same things. They began talking about how frustrating he was to work with, how he avoided responsibilities and wasn’t easy to trust. While everyone else was dragging him, for some reason, I flipped. I started defending him and even texted him saying how I don't fully agree with what's being said as he was lowkey being bullied. That's when I told him how I felt about him (without the romantic side of things...) and how I didn't like him at first but he grew on me and I would like for him to be more communicative. I don’t even know why. I guess I felt bad? Or I thought he deserved a chance?


That shift brought us closer. We finally started talking properly. He opened up to me in a way I hadn’t seen from him before. He told me how much he appreciated me, how glad he was to be working with me. It was so unexpected, especially since his reputation was being emotionally distant and unreadable. It was the first time I felt like I wasn’t imagining the bond between us.


After that, our friendship deepened. He was more physically present, more verbally appreciative. He even got comfortable around me in ways others hadn’t seen before, he started telling me secrets he wouldn't tell his closest friends. Friends started asking if something was going on between us. It was a fair question, people had never seen him behave like that, and even I was confused. I didn’t know much about his romantic life, but I’d heard he’d never dated anyone and wasn’t really romantically interested in people. That said, his energy? Let’s just say it didn’t read "straight," and he often came across as quite flamboyant. But hey, labels aren’t everything, and I wasn’t trying to assume.


Unfortunately, things didn’t stay good for long.


Despite our “friendship,” he continued being unreliable. Responsibilities were being dropped, things weren’t getting done, and I was the one left stressed. One particularly serious slip-up almost put us in breach of a formal agreement. That’s when I snapped.


I sent a long, angry message calling him out, how he never took things seriously, how irresponsible he was, how I regretted thinking he was a good person. I didn’t hold back.


He never responded.


Not even a word.


That silence hit harder than anything. Because in that moment, I realized he didn’t care enough to even acknowledge the message. No defense. No apology. No conversation. Just silence. And that’s what hurt the most...not the responsibilities, not the miscommunications, not even the crush...but the fact that after everything, he didn’t think I was worth replying to.


Now, we only talk out of necessity. We still have joint commitments to wrap up, but after that, we’ll likely go our separate ways. I’m trying to move on. Slowly healing. But it’s hard not to feel like I imagined the whole thing. That all those nice moments were just me projecting.


I’m not looking for answers about who he is or what he feels...maybe he doesn’t even know. But I’m sharing this because I know there are others out there who’ve felt this kind of emotional confusion too. When someone walks in and out of your life like a flickering light switch, and you’re left sitting in the dark, wondering what was real.


So yeah...if you’ve been through something like this, I’d love to hear how you dealt with it. I’m on the mend, but it still feels like there’s something unresolved. Maybe I’ll never get closure from him, but maybe I can get it from understanding I’m not alone.

I gotta say, I don't really read stories or essays too much around here but I guess fate wanted me to be patient and look at this one.
Glad I did.

Sorry for the troubles you had to go through.
Based on some kind of similar experience,
Figuring out the "whys" only led me to more complicated questions of "why not"
Felt like I imprisoned myself within a loop no one jailed me in to begin with, coz I was the warden myself.

My learning experience from this? There would really be people out there who are just part time in our lives, it's scary coz the full time positions we hold dearly are always up for grabs for them. Life, I know right?