I Need Some Advice

[Zetter1]

Hello,

Str8 guy needing some help / advice..

Six months ago my best mate started touching me whilat i was asleep. We had both been drinking quite a bit and just fell into bed whilst in a hotel. I was asleep when i felt him stroke my leg upto my balls, i didnt move as i didnt know what to do. He rolled me towards him and put his arm round me, my hand ended up on his stomach. He then started to jerk off i could feel the movement plus the tip of his dick touched my hand, i went to move my hand but he put it on his balls - again i didn't know what to do. I turned over but he kept trying to roll me back, even pinching my nipple. He started to stroke my chest and stomach and then down to my dick, which was hard. He started to jerk really quickly and then started jerking me, then he went to bathroom to cum. Came back and got in a different bed. We never spoke about it and just carried on as normal.

Two months ago the same happened but i ended up doing it to him (I thought thats what he wanted) and he freaked out, left the hotel early morning. Our friendship has not been the same since and i am devestated. He doesnt want to do anything like go for a drink etc...

I am majorly confused about the situation as i have a girlfriend who i love and never done anything with a guy before, its never crossed my mind. I believe he is straight and that maybe we have just blurred the boundaries when drunk.

Please shed some light on this, i am at breaking point with it.

 

[MusicBear88]

He shouldn't have done what he did and you may have misread the signals from it and more or less copied his mistake. Since alcohol was involved, I'm inclined to say that there's probably some latent bi-curiosity there but that doesn't mean that either of you really wanted to act on it. I think that the "be the bigger man" thing to do would be to apologize to him for what happened that you instigated and hope that he owns up to his own actions and does the same.

 

[Zetter1]

He shouldn't have done what he did and you may have misread the signals from it and more or less copied his mistake. Since alcohol was involved, I'm inclined to say that there's probably some latent bi-curiosity there but that doesn't mean that either of you really wanted to act on it. I think that the "be the bigger man" thing to do would be to apologize to him for what happened that you instigated and hope that he owns up to his own actions and does the same.

Thank you. Maybe there is some curiosity on both parts, I don't to do anything further with him.
I have been debating whether to bring it up but I am scared. He is the closest friend i have ever had. I just want our friendship back.

 

[cedarizzo]

Honestly, none of us will know what was going through his mind, but my guess is that he is having questions about his own sexuality. The alcohol might have multiplied his feelings and he was acting on those feelings. When he did it again and this time you went along with it, it probably really confused him and freaked him out. I would suggest that you talk to him about it, but I'm not sure he wants to talk about it and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to talk to you because it would be brought up what happened.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you might have lost a friend.

 

[Zetter1]

Honestly, none of us will know what was going through his mind, but my guess is that he is having questions about his own sexuality. The alcohol might have multiplied his feelings and he was acting on those feelings. When he did it again and this time you went along with it, it probably really confused him and freaked him out. I would suggest that you talk to him about it, but I'm not sure he wants to talk about it and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to talk to you because it would be brought up what happened.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you might have lost a friend.

Thank you. I think you are and i have just cried at your last sentence. I really fucked up! Everything just doesn't make sense anymore.

We saw each other at a social eveny and i was with my girlfriend and she said he was abit rude to her. I don't if it is due to what happened or if he is jealous of her. I will knoe but he has gone and got himself a girlfiend. Again i dont if it is what he wants or he is trying to prove something' but now some poor girl has been dragged into this.

 

[Brodie888]

Once upon a time, bisexuality was thought to be a soft landing into homosexuality. There are a lot of people still believe this.

This is not true.

The truth is that most people aren't black or white, gay or straight. Most people are a shade of grey bisexual. From what you wrote, you are probably in the 80-90% straight end of the spectrum.

Your friend on the other hand could be anywhere on the spectrum except 100% straight.

Homophobia is built into society. Whether it be conditioning from religion, the media, parents, friends. Thankfully this is changing for the better be it slowly.

Your friend probably still hasn't figured out his sexual identity yet. He has been conditioned to think of gay sex as wrong so he is conflicted when his instincts are wanting something he considers wrong.

It may take him a day, it may take him a decade to come out to himself before he'll ever come out to others.

Until then, he'll continue to try to prove to himself and others that he's something he is not. Which will include girlfriends, avoiding gay sex etc. This conflict will haunt him until he finally admits to himself what he is. Until then, all you can do as a friend is be there when he needs you but until then you just have to give him the space to figure it out.

 

[Zetter1]

Once upon a time, bisexuality was thought to be a soft landing into homosexuality. There are a lot of people still believe this.

This is not true.

The truth is that most people aren't black or white, gay or straight. Most people are a shade of grey bisexual. From what you wrote, you are probably in the 80-90% straight end of the spectrum.

Your friend on the other hand could be anywhere on the spectrum except 100% straight.

Homophobia is built into society. Whether it be conditioning from religion, the media, parents, friends. Thankfully this is changing for the better be it slowly.

Your friend probably still hasn't figured out his sexual identity yet. He has been conditioned to think of gay sex as wrong so he is conflicted when his instincts are wanting something he considers wrong.

It may take him a day, it may take him a decade to come out to himself before he'll ever come out to others.

Until then, he'll continue to try to prove to himself and others that he's something he is not. Which will include girlfriends, avoiding gay sex etc. This conflict will haunt him until he finally admits to himself what he is. Until then, all you can do as a friend is be there when he needs you but until then you just have to give him the space to figure it out.

Thank you. What you are saying does make sense, he is from a military family and from what he has told me his wider family arent the most open minded of people.

 

[Sklar]

Alcohol, the great destroyer...

Sigh

Listen, you didn't do ANYTHING wrong.

This was your friends doing.

Pure and simple.

Of course, he's going to blame the alcohol. It's an easy excuse.

But it doesn't change the underlying desire/curiosity he had.

He started it, you caught him, but didn't confront him.

Confronting people can be done in a nice way too. It doesn't have to be world ending.

However, when you just did what HE STARTED, he freaked.

There are story after story about this exact situation. Sadly, the vast majority of them take years to resolve.

Brace yourself for the fact that he is gone. Unitl he Man's up, he's never going to want to do anything with you.

The best thing you can do is just move on.

Yes, it's painful.

Yes, it sucks.

Yes, it's NOT YOUR FAULT.

Just learn from this. The next time someone molests you in your sleep, and that's exactly what he did to you, to start this off, wake up and confront them, in a nice way.

Again, I can't stress this enough: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

The weird thing about human relationships is this, if he see's you are going about your life, which doesn't include him, the more he will either want nothing to do with you or want you back in his life.

People are weird that way.

Stay happy.

Stay friendly.

Stay smiling.

You'll get over this and be stronger for it.

Sklar

 

[Infernal]

That's fucked up. He initiated something you weren't interested in. You tried to move away and he persisted. When the tables were turned, he freaked out. Two things I guess - He shouldn't have continued when you made it clear you weren't interested. You shouldn't have touched him if you weren't interested in it happening to you. It sounds like he's got some issues to work through. His own hypocrisy being one of them. I think you're better off without him, and if you do manage to return to some sort of friendship, don't drink with him.

 

[OKCLane]

Since a conversation seems unlikely, I’d suggest old school. As in writing him.
Choose a silly card that’s totally out of context (happy sweet 16 or golden anniversary) that will make him laugh/smile when he opens it. You know what kind to pick. This will help defuse the situation and put him at ease.
Tell him that you miss your best friend. Apologize, even if you don’t think you are in the wrong. Ask how you can heal your relationship and move forward.
There’s no need to rehash what happened or write a long letter. Short and simple. Clear and concise.

 

[Auggiecakes]

I’ve had many occasions to act on an opportunity while I was inebriated but I always held my composure. I’ve known too well from other people’s experienced that just because it seems like a good idea then, doesn’t mean it will look good later. There’s plenty of moments I look back and fantasize about because I simply walked away from them. And it’s hot o think about but it’s better to avoid any consicuenses.

 

[Bull9in]

Booze makes everything better. Right? Right? Well, no. What he did to you was assault. He can try to explain it away as being the alcohol, but you both know it wasn't. Which is why he's acting the way he is.

When we are incongruent with ourselves, many people can't face it, and blame others for their behavior. There could be any number of reasons he freaked out when you reciprocated. You will never know it unless he is honest with himself, and then you.

It sucks, (and not in that warm, wet way...) but if he is going to be immature here (which he is), there is nothing you can do about it. As long as you were acting in integrity (you weren't trying to lead him on, or force him to do anything), and simply exploring in a way you thought he wanted (and by extension you wanted too), you have nothing to feel guilty about, nor apologize for.

If you speak, be upfront with him. He came on to you. You couldn't get with it at the time. You thought about it. You decided to meet him halfway because he's your best friend, and you thought you'd give it a go. Simple. Straightforward.

No blame, no shame. For either of you. Remember that people show us who they are...we just have to be strong enough to accept what we're shown. If he cannot face himself, he will not be able to face you. and I'm sorry about that.

 

[auncut10in]

I think writing to him is a really great idea. I think how you write would be really important. Most important is to let him know how much you value his friendship. One idea might be to put everything on the table. Mention the time that he wanted to touch you and at first you were hesitant to do anything. But you though more about it and thought that it might deepen your friendship with him if you could allow him to do something physical with you. And that you wanted to explore that idea.

When he touched you again, you saw that as an opportunity to explore opening up your friendship and relationship to him even more. Tell him you are still open to that, but if he doesn't want to do something like that, then let's agree to not ever touch each other again and move on with your friendship. But no matter what, let's not make something like this end our deep friendship for each other.

Then let him think about it and respond when he is ready. Maybe he won't say anything. Maybe your friendship with him is indeed over. But you gotta try. What do you have to loose?