I need some help

[13788]

hung_big: Before I get started, I would ask you guys to please refrain from giving me trite responces like "I love you", "everything will be alright", "welcome to life" etc.

I realize that stress, anger, sadness and all negative feelings are all part of the human condition, but I need some real advice right not, rather than snide remarks or flowery comments. Also, don't mistake this as a cop for pity - I get enough of that as it is. So here's my situation:

1. I've been thinking alot lately. It seems alot of past problems and demons still plague my mind. I keep thinking about personal issues that I've had in the past that I still am somewhat attached to. My thoughts keep wandering and always get caught in a vortex of self-pity (which I hate).

2. My sister has a bowel blockage and the radiologist said that she will most likely get surgery. Because it is near her ribcage (and near vital organs and bones), if something goes wrong a lot of horrible things can happen. I love her to death and she is the only one that keeps me grounded in my house. She is only 11 and is possibly going to have to go through more pain than I've even been in (at least physically)

3. I'm stressed about school. I am trying to pass my courses (which is hard under the circumstances), but am having a really tough time, due to my absenteeism. Secondly, I've gotten 5 tests and 4 projects in the last week-and-a-half. I know stress is part of life, but when your teachers are extremely inconsiderate towards your situation, it doesn't help much.

4. Tomorrow I'm performing at a banquet and catering there as well. I'm at my wits end because I have to coreograph another dance scene like 2 hours before the banquet starts when the dancers come in. It's insane.

5. My family situation has worsened. With my being bi and very assertive, my parents sometimes get to me. My mother has been unusually mean to me the last two weeks, and it hasn't helped at all on top of other stresses. She's been unfair (biased towards my sister), CONSTANTLY picks fights with me, is nitpicky and just aggravates me. I love her to death, but when I try to approach her about her being unfair she is too stubborn to admit to it and blows me off or starts another fight with me (rehashing does NO good).

Those are the five main stressors in my life right now, along with trying to get a part-time job, extra-curriculars, exams coming up, final projects, amongst other things. I'm afraid I'm going to have a meltdown.

Any help is appreciated and thanks in advance to anybody that can.

 

[naughty]

Chris,

IM me we can talk for a little while. It may seem insurrmountable, but perhaps talking may help a bit. Life really is a struggle at any age. I am sorry to hear about your baby sis, and it is hard when you too have crises and your mom is expressing her stress as well. Try to hang on.....


Naughty K.

 

[mindseye]

Originally posted by hung_big@Jun 3 2005, 01:31 PM
2. My sister has a bowel blockage ...

There's an old prayer that begins, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change." I don't wish to minimize the importance of your sister's medical condition, but she's being cared for by experts who are trained to care for her. Find a way to trust these experts and know that she's in good hands; holding on to your stress and worry won't make her condition any better.

5. My mother has [...] been unfair (biased towards my sister)

Consider the possibility that your sister's condition is also weighing on your mother -- just as it is on you -- and that your mother's stress is causing her to behave the way she is. (In fact, your mother finds this more stressful than you do, because she's having to deal with your sister's condition emotionally and financially.) Try being graceful, and cutting her some slack and deference for the next few weeks.

Your mother will appreciate you going out of your way to be supportive, and this may help bring you two closer once the current situation with your sister has passed.

3. I'm stressed about school. I am trying to pass my courses (which is hard under the circumstances), but am having a really tough time, due to my absenteeism. Secondly, I've gotten 5 tests and 4 projects in the last week-and-a-half. I know stress is part of life, but when your teachers are extremely inconsiderate towards your situation, it doesn't help much.

As a teacher myself, let me suggest: do the best you can under the circumstances, and realize that one bad semester won't make a bit of difference in the long run. Your teachers aren't being inconsiderate -- thanks to crap like No Child Left Behind, standardized testing, etc., their hands are tied with regard to scheduling and curriculum. (I could tell you some stories that'd make your blood boil...)

 

[Dr Rock]

1. if you can get drunk and/or high inexpensively, that can help when your brain starts circling like a vulture over past grievances. if not you just gotta force yourself to find something else to think about. hobbies or interests you can develop and put a lot of effort into are a big help here - writing, painting, sculpting and music are all real useful to me in those situations.

2. you can't do anything about it, so the best thing to do is to hope her health improves rather than worrying about what'll happen if it doesn't. its not fair, but the world springs shit like this on us all the time, usually when we really don't need it. you can't stop worrying about it entirely, but you gotta minimize the extent that it gets to you and affects everything else.

3. my advice about school is just not to worry about it. you clearly possess more than enough native intelligence to enable you to coast through basic education. do as much as your bigger priorities will let you, and don't let people try to spook you about "your future." YOU decide what you're gonna do with your life, not them.

4. deal with one thing at a time. don't let yourself get freaked out by all the other shit you gotta somehow manage as well. sort out which is the most important, deal with it, move onto the next thing, and so on. if some things get left out at the end of the day, don't sweat it - nobody has any right to ask you to do more than your best.

5. avoid personal contact with other folks at home as much as possible - deny them the opportunities they need to start shit. it won't make them stop entirely, but it will probably reduce the frequency and intensity of their spats. if they start picking fights, just rise above it - they've got all sorts of shit to deal with too, and odds are they probably aren't managing too well either - however, that is not YOUR problem, and you should disregard any attempts to make it so.

 

[surferboy]

Chris, you need to talk to a school counselor about how to deal with stress. Like, and don't take it the wrong way, because I wanna help you, from the sound of it all, you just don't know how to cope with stress. For you, I'd recommend like, meditation or something. Just sit down in a quiet room and clear yer mind for a good 10 - 15 minutes. You'll feel totally refreshed. So like, try that and talk to someone. Talking always helps, yah? I learned that through being a peer counselor. Usually, when people feel overwhelmed, like you do now, talking has always helped them.

 

[jonb]

1. It's cause and effect. I don't think anyone can really put the past behind them. I might recommend some artistic expression. Painting, sketches, sculpture, film, and music are all useful. So's poetry or fiction.
2. Unless you happen to be an MD, there's nothing you can do. Just hope for the best and make sure she does what the doctors tell her. If the worst happens, just remember what she would think if you snapped.
3. There's no shame in summer school. Next year you can avoid having so many difficult classes. (What's your schedule look like?) Above all, remember, one thing at a time. Finish one project, then work on the next. And take a ten-minute break after every hour of studying to avoid brain fog.
4. Performing and catering? One thing at a time.
5. Your mom might be biased toward your sister because your sister's ABOUT TO GO UNDER THE KNIFE.

@mindseye:
Funny, last I checked, Bush's educational policies didn't affect schools in Toronto.

 

[13788]

hung_big: Thanks for all the advice so far guys!

I appreciate it.

To Mindseye:

I wish I had that serenity. I do know that she is being cared for by professionals, but I do get worried about her, as is natural.

As for my mother...she was doing this for the last few weeks...not just when my sister got her condition. I will definetly try to be supportive (and am), but I need to talk to her once this whole thing blows over.

In regards to education...I know. Timing is everything it seems, sadly. I am trying to work through it.

To Rock:

I do have some hobbies. I love to write, listen to music and go out with friends a ton. With school though, I haven't had the chance to do it that much. I'm kinda in a rut.

Don't worry...tomorrow I'm getting WASTED out of my mind. I get free booze and pot (and maybe E) all night long. God it will be a relief.

To Nixxy:

What do you think I'm doing silly? I'm talking to you guys! I also talk to a few friends about it and to counsillors at my school - more for schoolwork than anything. They are trying to help me pass, under the circumstances.

It's not that I don't know how to handle stress. I'm handling it pretty well considering, but I just need some ideas for easing it. I mean, I'm normal and all, but if there is a way to minimalize the stress, I want to know how.

Thanks for the advice everyone (again)!

 

[jonb]

Yeah, most kids at my school hated the counselor. Many of them were afraid she'd tell their parents about all their problems.

But trust me on this: For the parents, there's nothing quite like spending time out with a friend.

 

[madame_zora]

One bit of advice I will add to the already excellent words given thus far is this: Don't add things up together that aren't related! It is a normal tendancy to do this, but it makes absolutely no sense nor does it serve any useful purpose other than to make you feel frazzled and overwhelmed. Believe me, we all deal with stress. Often times, I wish I could trade stress levels with anyone- but I can't so I do what I can and ignore the rest. Problems with finances, health, legal troubles, death of loved ones, frustration with scheduling, romance issues or lack thereof- any of these things would be enough to deal with individually, but when life serves up several at a time it is indeed easy to feel overwhelmed. What we must remember is that there will also be times when we have fewer problems and that overall things tend to balance out. If you can only deal with one or two things at a time, choose carefully what your priorities are, and just delete the rest until you are in a better frame of mind to deal with them. If your schoolwork suffers, there's always tomorrow to bring your grades back up. If your relstionship with your mom isn't ideal, you can work on it later, your sister's health is something you have no control over, but being there for her emotionally would be my first choice. Try hard not to give in to feelings of hopelessness because this will leave you with even less energy when what you really need is more. Don't allow yourself to simply flail around in an abyss just because you can't solve every problem to perfection. Do what you can, give it your honest best shot, then accept the results with maturity and grace. Tell yourself it's okay to be average sometimes, and be exceptional when you can. It's when you do nothing that guilt adds itself to the frustration you already feel, so don't give it a chance to invade your existance. Love ya kiddo, you'll be fine. You can't yell at me for saying that! YBM

 

[13788]

hung_big: Could I ever yell at you Jana? I love ya too, "mum" !

Thanks for the advice. Exceptionally well-written and thoughtful. I get what you are saying.

Though, when you say not to add them all together, I find that it is exactly that - the combined stress of them all that has me in a tizzy. I can deal with any one of those at a time, but it is the combination of them all which gets me frustrated. I will try to take it day-by-day though.

A guy couldn't ask for better friends than you guys. Thanks alot!

 

[madame_zora]

The "not adding things together" part was the most important thing I said, other than the fact that I and the others here do care about you. I speak from experience that when you add things together mentally, the tally gets too big and you lose the ability to deal with ANY of it. As long as you make SOME progress, you'll feel better about yourself, so work on one or two things, and congradulate yourself a LOT for what you are able to do. Reward yourself frequently for any little thing you do right, and forgive yourself every night before you sleep for what you didn't get around to. Fuck it, tomorrow's another day. You'll be here, the problems will be there, and the world will keep spinning nomatter what you do or don't do. Remember your own insignificance sometimes, it takes the pressure off to know none of us is really all that important. Kisses babe.

 

[13788]

hung_big: Insignificance! Check!

Thanks babe! *kisses right back at ya*

 

[steve319]

Fantastic advice here. I'm honestly impressed (and SO glad I found LPSG).

Not much of anything I could add to all that, Chris. Setting priorities, trying to let go of the issues you can't control, and dealing with the rest in stages without lumping it all together all sound like marvelous approaches.

As for practical suggestions, one thing that usually works for me when trying to alleviate stress is changing my routine in some way. Maybe do something you've never done or put yourself out of your usual zone by finding an activity that's "out of character" for you (but that won't add to the stress level).

I enjoy getting away for a bit, maybe spending time with friends I don't see often or indulging in a little "people watching." Maybe going to a public spot where you can watch the crowd without drawing too much attention to yourself in the process. I enjoy sketching strangers or writing a bit in response to what I see sometimes--gets my mind off of things. Good creativity exercise and usually puts my own life in perspective.

Volunteer work is good too.

And, hey, talking with friends (as you're doing at LPSG) seems like a great idea! Chris, you're a resilient guy and I know you'll weather this storm too.

 

[Knight]

Hi Chris

Well yeah shit happens and you might feel like its the end of the world everyday, but the days keep comin. I feel like that some (okay most ) days.

What I do though is I now counter any negative thoughts I get. eg 'I'm a failure'. I'm not, there are loads of things I can do if I try, and even if I wasnt trying there are still certain things I could excel at because I have the ablility. Chris, you're hosting a banquet? Coordinating dances?

That's a major achievement, I've never done anything like that except had my stories read out to the class lol. And I won a chocolate bar for it
Anyway when we're feeling low we tend to focus on one bad thing and forget or conveniently downplay all the good things. You have more going for you than you realise. Take the time to find out what they are.

A good thing to do is distraction. If your parents are sometimes being mean to you, then go out of the house, ride a bike, do something else to take your mind off it. Also about your sister, what are the chances of anything seriously bad happening to her? Sure there is a chance something terrible might happen but how rare is it? You're probably just magnifying the fear when really its an insignificant thing. What I always say is I was born 12 weeks early in 1986, died 4 times but I'm here. That was...(counts on his fingers...19 years ago ). Things have improved since then.

You might want to try writing? It can be very cathartic sometimes. Other times it can be even more depressing lol.

Also about your education I did the same thing! I didn't do too badly although I could have done better. I got a B for English which was ok, but I could have got an A if I even revised. In Business I got a C which should have been an A, that was a disappointment. And two other exams I completely failed.

So for a year I sat at home pitying myself. When as soon as I got my results my uncle said go to college and retake them. Or apply to uni. It's a year later and I'm only now applying to uni

I have sheets on this, I can write some of them up later. But yeah what theyve said and what I've said, don't worry and don't give yourself time to worry, stay active. And your worries are probably unfounded and unrealistic. Write them down and question how realistic or likely they are and what are the alternatives and how likely they are.

Here's a littl ditty I wrote about time:

It ticked over in his mind
All the time
Spent and lost
Cherished and despised
Now lost forever
But he still looked back to it
Looking for something he didn't know
Maybe something he wouldn't ever know
Why?

And now I must go, sorry for this long post. I'll be back with another one soon though

 

[13788]

hung_big: Thanks alot Knight.

Jesus. So much good advice. I'm glad I brought it up with you guys. Much appreciated.

 

[major_7]

There are a couple of things that I feel might not be the best for you to be doing at the moment....

 

[13788]

hung_big: Elipses don't tell me much, my good sir.

 

[SpeedoGuy]

Chris:

I can't add much beyond what's already been said. When I'm going through difficult times I just try to put myself in "endure" mode and hope for better times to come.

Just be good to yourself and don't overindulge in drugs/drink. Try to stay physically active and get proper sleep.

Hope things work out for you.

SG

 

[iggy]

i can really relate at your condition right now. i was once (or still) down. i feel like i cant do anything right. i feel like everybody is watching me fail. nobody to talk to. i became suicidal, insomniac, just unproductive. but im getting over it, im glad.

i wasnt really a failure until college. no failures since kindergarten until i failed a fucking subject. cant cope with failures very well.

now, im coping up, a step at a time.

since very good advices has been said, i would affirm what nix said.. communication is the key. talk to someone you are comfortable with. i know you are doin this by this thread.

also do it slow. one at a time. prioritize things.


thanks..

hope this helps...

iggy

 

[13788]

orionsword57:

Originally posted by madame_zora@Jun 3 2005, 04:32 PM
One bit of advice I will add to the already excellent words given thus far is this: Don't add things up together that aren't related! It is a normal tendancy to do this, but it makes absolutely no sense nor does it serve any useful purpose other than to make you feel frazzled and overwhelmed. Believe me, we all deal with stress. Often times, I wish I could trade stress levels with anyone- but I can't so I do what I can and ignore the rest. Problems with finances, health, legal troubles, death of loved ones, frustration with scheduling, romance issues or lack thereof- any of these things would be enough to deal with individually, but when life serves up several at a time it is indeed easy to feel overwhelmed. What we must remember is that there will also be times when we have fewer problems and that overall things tend to balance out. If you can only deal with one or two things at a time, choose carefully what your priorities are, and just delete the rest until you are in a better frame of mind to deal with them. If your schoolwork suffers, there's always tomorrow to bring your grades back up. If your relstionship with your mom isn't ideal, you can work on it later, your sister's health is something you have no control over, but being there for her emotionally would be my first choice. Try hard not to give in to feelings of hopelessness because this will leave you with even less energy when what you really need is more. Don't allow yourself to simply flail around in an abyss just because you can't solve every problem to perfection. Do what you can, give it your honest best shot, then accept the results with maturity and grace. Tell yourself it's okay to be average sometimes, and be exceptional when you can. It's when you do nothing that guilt adds itself to the frustration you already feel, so don't give it a chance to invade your existance......

[post=317676]Quoted post[/post]​

I don't think there's any better advice than what MZ said above. This too shall pass, as the pundit said, and everyone involved will be stronger for it if you show the ability to prioritize (read: be strong) and be there. Tell your school advisors what you are going through, for sure. I know a man who was given a moratorium on papers and exams because he was going through the same sorts of challenges during his senior year at college. They gave him that respite, and he was able to perservere.

fwiw