Is having a wank bud cheating?

[12843051]

I’m married to a woman but enjoy chatting with lads and wanking together. Think it’s the closeness with your mates and doing something that everyone does alone together. Being open and vulnerable while getting off together.

Without being too judgemental or getting into a debate about sexuality or whatever. Would you consider this cheating?

(disclaimer, I have no intention of telling my wife about this, I like that it’s just my thing. But just curious)

 

[Ruggerlad80]

Not cheating mate, it's not in the same ball park.... just having a bit of bro time!

 

[ronin001]

It is not what I think; or what you or another member thinks.
It is what would your wife think, should she find out.

Cheers

 

[malakos]

You're hiding a part of your sexual life from the woman you've joined yourself to. Yes, I consider it a form of cheating.

 

[deleted817718]

It depends on the rules of your relationship. It’s not cheating if you have agreed that it’s ok. My wife and I have an open relationship so having sex with other people isn’t cheating for us, as long as we are open about it

 

[18wheeler]

I’m married to a woman but enjoy chatting with lads and wanking together. Think it’s the closeness with your mates and doing something that everyone does alone together. Being open and vulnerable while getting off together.

Without being too judgemental or getting into a debate about sexuality or whatever. Would you consider this cheating?

(disclaimer, I have no intention of telling my wife about this, I like that it’s just my thing. But just curious)

Is it “cheating”? Yes. I think so…

I’m still here chatting.

 

[Motion-of-the-Ocean]

I think some of the responses above have pretty much given you a good answer and would echo my opinion.

For myself, my wife and I have openly discussed our fantasies and inclinations and are free to explore them under the condition that it be with the other's knowledge, permission and together. Therefore, I have no need to do anything without her knowledge, but if I did, it would not matter if it was with another woman or a man, we both would consider it cheating and I would not do it.

So, my question I would ask of you and I think you need to address is why is it necessary to keep this from her? Are you ashamed in some way of doing something sexual with other men or are worried she will not respond well if she found out? Is there a reason you feel you cannot discuss this aspect of your sexuality with her and it could be something that could serve as fantasy fuel between the two of you? Are you worried she might react in a homophobic or disgusted way if you did discuss this with her or if she found out? Are you worried she would think less of you if you admitted you had even a slight interest in another guy's dick? Do you think her knowing this would be more or less shocking or unacceptable than if you told her you find other women sexually attractive?

As mentioned by others, if you are doing something sexual, even something you might consider minor like no-touching jerking, it doesn't matter the gender of those other people, you are keeping things from her and by continuing doing it in regardless is by its very definition, cheating.

But at the end of the day, it comes down to not whether anyone else considers it cheating, but whether you do. And it's clear by your moral compass, you do not. Since only you know both yourself and her, only you can answer why you even feel the need to keep this part of yourself secret from her to begin with.

 

[londonlad1990]

As others have said, cheating is in the eye of the beholder, but I don't think it's cheating. What you're getting from your wank buds (male bonding) is something your wife couldn't provide anyway, and you're not doing anything physically to them. You could say that you're mentally cheating, but that's no more mentally cheating than watching porn. I've been with my wife for 11 years and occasionally wank to memories with ex-girlfriends, which is probably more cheating than having a wank bud as it's about something my wife can provide.

 

[deleted18937191]

It's only cheating if it breaks the rules (implicit or explicit) of your particular relationship with her. Perhaps it's the secretive aspect that arouses you? What do you think she would say if she found out? What would you say if you found out she was doing it? Is it replacing a physical relationship with her?

 

[Assman1]

I need one right now!

 

[Nikita222]

I’m married to a woman but enjoy chatting with lads and wanking together. Think it’s the closeness with your mates and doing something that everyone does alone together. Being open and vulnerable while getting off together.

Without being too judgemental or getting into a debate about sexuality or whatever. Would you consider this cheating?

(disclaimer, I have no intention of telling my wife about this, I like that it’s just my thing. But just curious)

I do the same. Wife doesnt need to know.

 

[justahornyguy174]

I don't think it is cheating at all. All guys wank no matter how good their sex life is with their wife/gf there is an urge to do it. I look at porn like the next guy and chat to people on here so it's just an extension of that. I've jerked off with guys on cam but I'm not jerking off over them, it's just the chat and talking about sex etc that is the turn on.
My gf is pretty open and knows I jerk off over porn, she's even watched me before and sucked me off when watching lesbian porn so there is a definite detach from jerking off over porn to actually cheating in real life.
I guess some women are (or used to be) shocked to find out their man jerks off over porn but I think it is pretty naive for any woman to think her guy doesn't jerk off!

 

[marriedasian]

i say bring it up to your wife as a hypothetical and see what she says. if she says it is "cheating" to her then i would advise you to stop and "not tell her", just stop doing it. if she says it's "not cheating" then just keep doing your thing and decide if you want to tell her or not.

there's no such thing as cheating in my marriage. my wife and i both know that if we genuinely ask each other's permission to fuck another person, the answer is always mostly "yes". we do inquire who this person is but other than that, go fuck yourself happy and see you when you get back.

 

[merc41]

In the heat of the moment. I have told the wife that it's easy to get sex outside of marriage and that I probably could get laid within the hour. What I didnt.say.was.I already have been. Was tempted to show her the hook up sites I use but didnt. Told her I didnt want to but my needs were not being answered at home. And I wasnt going to rhe grave with regrets.

 

[Lovetobetouched]

In the heat of the moment. I have told the wife that it's easy to get sex outside of marriage and that I probably could get laid within the hour. What I didnt.say.was.I already have been. Was tempted to show her the hook up sites I use but didnt. Told her I didnt want to but my needs were not being answered at home. And I wasnt going to rhe grave with regrets.

And how did that conversation go?

 

[Lovetobetouched]

Not cheating mate, it's not in the same ball park.... just having a bit of bro time!

Totally agree. It’s bro time and some relationships need some space

 

[Lovetobetouched]

I think some of the responses above have pretty much given you a good answer and would echo my opinion.

For myself, my wife and I have openly discussed our fantasies and inclinations and are free to explore them under the condition that it be with the other's knowledge, permission and together. Therefore, I have no need to do anything without her knowledge, but if I did, it would not matter if it was with another woman or a man, we both would consider it cheating and I would not do it.

So, my question I would ask of you and I think you need to address is why is it necessary to keep this from her? Are you ashamed in some way of doing something sexual with other men or are worried she will not respond well if she found out? Is there a reason you feel you cannot discuss this aspect of your sexuality with her and it could be something that could serve as fantasy fuel between the two of you? Are you worried she might react in a homophobic or disgusted way if you did discuss this with her or if she found out? Are you worried she would think less of you if you admitted you had even a slight interest in another guy's dick? Do you think her knowing this would be more or less shocking or unacceptable than if you told her you find other women sexually attractive?

As mentioned by others, if you are doing something sexual, even something you might consider minor like no-touching jerking, it doesn't matter the gender of those other people, you are keeping things from her and by continuing doing it in regardless is by its very definition, cheating.

But at the end of the day, it comes down to not whether anyone else considers it cheating, but whether you do. And it's clear by your moral compass, you do not. Since only you know both yourself and her, only you can answer why you even feel the need to keep this part of yourself secret from her to begin with.

So you would consider secretly wanking to porn cheating? Do you tell your wife every time you rub one out? Oh honey, by the way, I jerked off at the office today after the new receptionist wafted past… and had another quiet one in the gym showers on my way home. And another quickie in front of the Telly while you were making a cup of tea. Oh. And are you up for a root tonight luv?

 

[Motion-of-the-Ocean]

So you would consider secretly wanking to porn cheating? Do you tell your wife every time you rub one out? Oh honey, by the way, I jerked off at the office today after the new receptionist wafted past… and had another quiet one in the gym showers on my way home. And another quickie in front of the Telly while you were making a cup of tea. Oh. And are you up for a root tonight luv?

First of all, while I may have masturbated many times and not made an announcement to my wife afterwards has nothing to do with the fact she knows I have done it at times, at least in the general sense.

Second, when I have masturbated by myself, no one is there but myself. This is the key distinction I'm guessing some here are not getting. When I jerk off, I am not getting together with another woman (let alone another man) to do it in front of or together. By performing a sexual act in person with someone else and not telling one's life partner or lying about it, is by its very definition...cheating. The sex act or genders involved are irrelevant. Full stop.

So, I'm afraid your attempt at a false equivalency and strawman argument doesn't hold water. I stand by my original question of the necessity of one having to keep a sexual side of oneself or a fantasy secret from a partner unless they know that partner would not approve of that act or fantasy and think it's somehow abhorrent. In which case, perhaps one needs to re-evaluate that relationship.

 

[MisterB]

Question: If you don't think it's cheating as a married guy to wank with another guy, would it be cheating if you were just wanking with another woman other than your wife?

 

[Lovetobetouched]

First of all, while I may have masturbated many times and not made an announcement to my wife afterwards has nothing to do with the fact she knows I have done it at times, at least in the general sense.

Second, when I have masturbated by myself, no one is there but myself. This is the key distinction I'm guessing some here are not getting. When I jerk off, I am not getting together with another woman (let alone another man) to do it in front of or together. By performing a sexual act in person with someone else and not telling one's life partner or lying about it, is by its very definition...cheating. The sex act or genders involved are irrelevant. Full stop.

So, I'm afraid your attempt at a false equivalency and strawman argument doesn't hold water. I stand by my original question of the necessity of one having to keep a sexual side of oneself or a fantasy secret from a partner unless they know that partner would not approve of that act or fantasy and think it's somehow abhorrent. In which case, perhaps one needs to re-evaluate that relationship.

We don’t all have the luxury of a relationship like yours mate. My wife would find it abhorrent- my theory is her upbringing made her so intolerant of even speaking about sex. As for re evaluating the relationship, we’ve been married for 27 years and have a great family. I’m not about to trash that - for better or worse, richer and poorer… I have tried to drag her to marriage counseling. I have tried 100 ways to get her to own her own sexual interests, but as a post menapausal woman now I am making slow progress. She knows I wank. But is horrified by the idea of porn. You could call her naive or old fashioned or repressed or religious or conservative- but she is the woman I have very happily chosen to spend my life with. Things aren’t quite as black and white or relationships as disposable as your simplistic comment suggests. But I am open to your suggestions as to how I might bring my wife along on this journey to where you and your wife share every detail of your sexual fantasy with each other - if that’s infact what you do.
cheers.