This is going back 20 years now.....back when I was newly out to everyone I was close to.....only way I spoke to other gay people was on the early internet days....some shitty chat room. I was always to scared to go to the clubs.....anyway got talking to this one person and we could chat for hours. Decided to hang out and was great....nothing sexual just friends.....he was beautiful, his smile, his personality his body...secretly I had a major crush but never felt good enough (had pretty low self esteem still do a little to some degree) or hot enough for him or was too scared of a rejection. I ended up getting a bf so we stopped hanging out/ talking as much.....still always had the crush. Then I was single and he wasn't.....did that dance me being coupled him not...me single him not for a couple of years. There would be flirty messages over the years but nothing more. Then I met my current partner so our relationship and hangs stopped gradually over the years.....every now and then there would be a catch up.....flirty messages....but nothing more.......I still always deep down wondered what if but my love for my partner was greater. I think the last time we properly talked was 2018. But every year before that and to this day I've thought of him....the deep regret....the sadness of maybe I should of given it more a thought and chance all those years ago.....the longing. So we haven't spoken for years now......however last week I woke up one day with this intense urge to find him and contact him .....just to say hi see how he's going. I thought I had his number in my phone but I didn't. I had saved a snapshot of my facebook before they closed my account so went through old messages maybe found an old number but it was disconnected. It was weird.....I was obsessed trying to find him.....spent almost all day (i was on a night duty so had all day) remembered a friend on instagram might of been friends with him....so looked through his 1000+ followers....took forever and i was about to give up but there he was. The relief was immense.....so I messaged. We don't follow each other so I guess the messages went to a different folder so it took a few days which were pretty tortuous but he finally replied. Spoke for half hour or so now nothing 
don't know what i expected though...there was no hints or signs of why the sudden urgency of contacting him in his messages. He seemed good. Our convo seems dead now though 
much to my sadness. But now it's got me thinking.....what was that feeling deep inside the obsession of finding him. What was those feelings and thoughts I've had ever since I met him.....is there an alternative timeline of me and him and every now and then the lines blur together? I love my partner, weve been together 17 years.....we're great....best sex of my life lately. Emotionally supportive......yada yada.....but now I feel I'm emotionally cheating making excuses of alternative timeline....maybe a past love. Who knows.....probs just a what if story I'll keep bottled until the next life.
Anyway else had a lost love longing what if situation before?
don't know what i expected though...there was no hints or signs of why the sudden urgency of contacting him in his messages. He seemed good. Our convo seems dead now though much to my sadness. But now it's got me thinking.....what was that feeling deep inside the obsession of finding him. What was those feelings and thoughts I've had ever since I met him.....is there an alternative timeline of me and him and every now and then the lines blur together? I love my partner, weve been together 17 years.....we're great....best sex of my life lately. Emotionally supportive......yada yada.....but now I feel I'm emotionally cheating making excuses of alternative timeline....maybe a past love. Who knows.....probs just a what if story I'll keep bottled until the next life.Anyway else had a lost love longing what if situation before?
