relationship advice

[goldcowboy]

so i’ve been with my partner for almost 5 years now. i’m 25m and before him i had never been with anyone before. never kissed, had sex or even held hands with someone else before him. i’ve been the happiest i’ve been in my life with him. we’ve grown so much together and explored so much and tried so much and have a truly inseparable bond that i don’t want to break. i mean i wouldn’t be who i am without him.

but as we are nearing the 5 year mark and im getting older and seeing the guys around me getting older, im sort of scared that ive never had anyone else. i feel very strongly that i want to explore sexually and try other things and see what sex with other people is like. and it’s not that our sex is bad, i love having sex with my partner. but it feels like there is so much out there ive never gotten to try. i just don’t want this feeling to build up over years and then it to turn into resentment for him.

i know it sounds like i have my mind made up, but what do you think? is it worth it to possibly lose someone i love over sex? i know it’s silly to ask this on the gay sex website but im not sure how to feel. i’ve thought about bringing up an open relationship but im not sure if he feels the same and if it would be an insult to even ask that. AGH i dont know what to do, our lives are so intertwined i feel so guilty even asking for advice from strangers

 

[BigOrSmall69]

I never grasped the “love concept” when meaningless sex seemed more appropriate.. meeting more guys meant they may had more experience and done more stuff and they’d help me explore that side of that stuff they’ve done.. I’ve done alot of wild and crazy stuff with guys over the years that I know I wouldn’t have got to do if I was stuck with one man..

Unless the one guy I was with was open to doing the stuff I had done with these other men over the years

But then there’s the orgies/ gangbangs / gloryholes that done sex stuff with and through .. probably wouldn’t have done ..

I am not saying you should break up with your man .. 5 years is a long time to just up and leave .. just for sex that may be missing out on.. but think about what you might be interested in and see if he wants to try it

 

[Rooker]

Do you want to check boxes or build a partnership?

How will you feel if you lose him over this?

Why haven’t you done all these things before?

 

[bangaverage]

You're quite right that this isn't the ideal place to go for vital personal advice - have you ever thought of visiting a proper therapist? - but if you're trying to get your head straight I suppose a sounding board is better than nothing.

So, for what it's worth, here's what I think. We, as gay men, can find ourselves inhabiting a hyper-sexualised space (created by, amongst other things, pornography and the fetishization of idealised, taut, athletic bodies) that can make us feel that we're missing out and even failing if we don't experiment sexually, have casual sex or want to sleep with multiple partners. Hence the fact that discussion and practice of open relationships, inviting thirds into our beds and such like is so common.

Now, this can all be a lot of fun and I'm not about to get all fucking prim and preachy about this - I've done hookups, group sex and BDSM myself in the past - but for Christ's sake, if you have a special man you're in love with, who makes you happy, who you can imagine spending your life with, then don't even think about throwing it all away for a few extra notches on the bedpost. Love is worth more than an exciting fuck, so is your man, and so are you.

If you're in a situation where you are seriously questioning that he would be comfortable with bringing other men into your life, then I think you know that the answer is probably no. In which case, I'd shelve the idea for now and think about what else you and your man might enjoy sharing together. Just talk to him, let him know that you're enjoying sex with him but that you want to try getting a bit more adventurous and try some new toys, positions, whatever. Explore. Ask if there's anything new he's been wanting try but may have been embarrassed to ask about: you aren't the only one with an imagination and an inner life! Don't be afraid to try things that don't end up working for you. And perhaps, if porn is something you you like, or he's at least willing to watch together, use it to show scenes that interest you. Perhaps men enjoying a threesome...?

Other men might be a flat no for him, and then you know exactly where you stand, but if he's receptive then you can have a serious conversation about whether you guys think that's a good idea or if it's simply going to cause tension and jealousy down the line.

Communication and honesty are vital to making any relationship work, but I'm sure you appreciate that big issues like sex do need to be approached with patience and sensitivity. If you value this relationship as much as I think you do, then don't just barge in saying you think you might want to sleep around. That way lies disaster.

Beyond that, and this is going to sound well fucking hypocritical because I did a lot of laps round the block before I found a husband, and have therefore experienced a lot of what you feel you're missing out on, sexual adventurism really isn't any substitute for love. And if I can practice monogamy and do without indulging many of the kinks that get me hard for the sake of making my better half feel loved and secure, then so can you.

 

[headbang8]

i’ve thought about bringing up an open relationship but im not sure if he feels the same and if it would be an insult to even ask that. AGH i dont know what to do, our lives are so intertwined i feel so guilty even asking for advice from strangers

if you have a truly intimate relationship, you should be able to talk about feelings that really bother you. That’s what intimacy is for.

To share with your partner that you feel loved, treasured and fulfilled in your relationship with him would be telling the truth. You also wonder what sex with others may be like; that’s the truth, too. Both are true, right? Talking about these honest feelings doesn’t mean you must want an open relationship. There are other solutions.

Possible solutions also include the status quo. You can make it clear that one option is to maintain monogamy, that you do it willingly for the many rewards you get from your relationship. That doesn’t mean you can’t share honestly that you sometimes imagine the path not taken.

But there is a small red flag afoot here. You talk about him being insulted at the suggestion. If that’s his reaction, neither of you must be confident in your feelings for each other. You can’t help the way you feel. If you mean no insult to him, he should be able to sense it. Your feelings are about you, not him. In many ways, it’s nothing personal. You would likely feel the same way if you had found yourself in the same situation with any other partner.

I wouldn’t ask for an open relationship straight up. In those moments where the two of you talk about your lives and feelings with each other, simply say that you sometimes regret not having had more sexual experience before finding true love. Leave it at that, and see if he shows empathy.

If you don’t at least get that off your chest, here’s what I predict. I predict that you WILL cheat in a moment of weakness or opportunity. Getting it out in the open will be a release valve, whether you ultimately agree to act on it or not.

My best wishes to both of you.

 

[goldcowboy]

if you have a truly intimate relationship, you should be able to talk about feelings that really bother you. That’s what intimacy is for.

To share with your partner that you feel loved, treasured and fulfilled in your relationship with him would be telling the truth. You also wonder what sex with others may be like; that’s the truth, too. Both are true, right? Talking about these honest feelings doesn’t mean you must want an open relationship. There are other solutions.

Possible solutions also include the status quo. You can make it clear that one option is to maintain monogamy, that you do it willingly for the many rewards you get from your relationship. That doesn’t mean you can’t share honestly that you sometimes imagine the path not taken.

But there is a small red flag afoot here. You talk about him being insulted at the suggestion. If that’s his reaction, neither of you must be confident in your feelings for each other. You can’t help the way you feel. If you mean no insult to him, he should be able to sense it. Your feelings are about you, not him. In many ways, it’s nothing personal. You would likely feel the same way if you had found yourself in the same situation with any other partner.

I wouldn’t ask for an open relationship straight up. In those moments where the two of you talk about your lives and feelings with each other, simply say that you sometimes regret not having had more sexual experience before finding true love. Leave it at that, and see if he shows empathy.

If you don’t at least get that off your chest, here’s what I predict. I predict that you WILL cheat in a moment of weakness or opportunity. Getting it out in the open will be a release valve, whether you ultimately agree to act on it or not.

My best wishes to both of you.

wow I really appreciate the level of thought you gave to my predicament and i think you are truly very correct in all fronts. thank you for that input! very very helpful