Ltr Gone Bad

[erpap]

I have been in a very long term relationship for over 25 years! I just found my partner has a account on a hookup/dating site. We have not been intimate for well over 15 years. I have never cheated. It all started with me pulling away from him because of my own insecurities regarding several different issues, mostly mind fuck issues and I totally understandable he felt hurt and pushed away. And it’s not all my fault, relationships are two sided.

what would you do? Would you bring it up to your partner? I don’t know if this is just outlet for release or something more. Please serious responses.

 

[ronin001]

You are a member of LPSG, for 5 years. Many / some partners would consider that suspicious; and reason to question why you maintain your membership.

Often, and I hope this is the case, it is just for pure cyber entertainment

 

[deleted1074483]

if you found out any way other than by 'accident' i'd not raise it directly.

as you say you've not been intimate together for a long time, have you not already had discussions about how you both deal with your sexuality/needs/etc? if not would this be an opportune moment to raise that discussion, especially if your partner knows you're on this site - you could say you saw something on this site and made you wonder?

good luck mate

 

[erpap]

You are a member of LPSG, for 5 years. Many / some partners would consider that suspicious; and reason to question why you maintain your membership.

Often, and I hope this is the case, it is just for pure cyber entertainment

You’re right! Amd while

You are a member of LPSG, for 5 years. Many / some partners would consider that suspicious; and reason to question why you maintain your membership.

Often, and I hope this is the case, it is just for pure cyber entertainment

You’re 100% correct. It is just pure cyber entertainment. And I hope it’s the same for him.

 

[erpap]

if you found out any way other than by 'accident' i'd not raise it directly.

as you say you've not been intimate together for a long time, have you not already had discussions about how you both deal with your sexuality/needs/etc? if not would this be an opportune moment to raise that discussion, especially if your partner knows you're on this site - you could say you saw something on this site and made you wonder?

good luck mate

He doesn’t know I’m here. I asked him today if he still wanted to be in the relationship, he says yes, and I asked if has been with someone else he said no and I asked if he wanted to and he said no that he doesn’t want that kind of relationship. I hope he was being honest.

 

[erpap]

Anyone else experience anything like this?

 

[dreamer20]

in a very long term relationship for over 25 years! I just found my partner has a account on a hookup/dating site. We have not been intimate for well over 15 years. I have never cheated. It all started with me pulling away from him because of my own insecurities + several different issues..he felt hurt and pushed away. And it’s not all my fault, relationships are two sided..what would you do? Would you bring it up to your partner?

You've not been intimate together for a long time. Why? Have you both mutually decided to live a life of abstention / asceticism now? Why has this relationship gone bad?

 

[erpap]

You've not been intimate together for a long time. Why? Have you both mutually decided to live a life of abstention / asceticism now? Why has this relationship gone bad?

sadly it’s gone silent. Never really talked about it. But it was not mutually decided.

 

[dreamer20]

He doesn't want to toss your lenghty relationship away. In spite of your insecurities and issues - which have hurt your partner - he has stayed put. I advise you seek his forgiveness for whatever you did to hurt him, set aside suspicion, condemnation, blaming and judgement. Give each other repect, unconditional love and the freedom to do what your hearts desire.

 

[ohiorod]

In my role as a counselor, I have seen relationships similar to this. All I can advise is that you talk to each other about your lives together. You say you hurt him by turning inward and away from him; perhaps start by saying “I’m sorry......... If anything, you will each step away from your devices that you are each using for “entertainment” . It sounds like you two still have a bond, despite the lack of intimacy. Find a way to celebrate that bond and go from there. As for his looking at a hook up site, I would leave that one untouched for the very reasons that ronin001 implied. I truly mean it when I say: good luck.

 

[erpap]

In my role as a counselor, I have seen relationships similar to this. All I can advise is that you talk to each other about your lives together. You say you hurt him by turning inward and away from him; perhaps start by saying “I’m sorry......... If anything, you will each step away from your devices that you are each using for “entertainment” . It sounds like you two still have a bond, despite the lack of intimacy. Find a way to celebrate that bond and go from there. As for his looking at a hook up site, I would leave that one untouched for the very reasons that ronin001 implied. I truly mean it when I say: good luck.

Thank you!

 

[erpap]

He doesn't want to toss your lenghty relationship away. In spite of your insecurities and issues - which have hurt your partner - he has stayed put. I advise you seek his forgiveness for whatever you did to hurt him, set aside suspicion, condemnation, blaming and judgement. Give each other repect, unconditional love and the freedom to do what your hearts desire.

Thank you!

 

[erpap]

You are a member of LPSG, for 5 years. Many / some partners would consider that suspicious; and reason to question why you maintain your membership.

Often, and I hope this is the case, it is just for pure cyber entertainment

Thank you.

 

[halcyondays]

If you do choose to tell him you found his profile on a dating app/site you should tell him why and how long you've been looking at that site and others like it. Tell him also that you're here at LPSG and about any other sites like this to which you belong.

I understand that full disclosure happens rarely in relationships--that couples keep secrets from each other--but if your suspicions drive you to confront him full disclosure is the way to go.

 

[DavidAlmeria]

I don’t think you should comfront him at all.
We all need sexual outlets and if you’re both friends and it’s working go behind one another’s backs either online or in real life.

similar situation here

 

[cherryboom66]

I have been in a very long term relationship for over 25 years! I just found my partner has a account on a hookup/dating site. We have not been intimate for well over 15 years. I have never cheated. It all started with me pulling away from him because of my own insecurities regarding several different issues, mostly mind fuck issues and I totally understandable he felt hurt and pushed away. And it’s not all my fault, relationships are two sided.

what would you do? Would you bring it up to your partner? I don’t know if this is just outlet for release or something more. Please serious responses.

As Ronin said, don’t be a hypocrite and don’t throw stones in glass houses lol.

 

[doc_jmart]

I have been in a very long term relationship for over 25 years! I just found my partner has a account on a hookup/dating site. We have not been intimate for well over 15 years. I have never cheated. It all started with me pulling away from him because of my own insecurities regarding several different issues, mostly mind fuck issues and I totally understandable he felt hurt and pushed away. And it’s not all my fault, relationships are two sided.

what would you do? Would you bring it up to your partner? I don’t know if this is just outlet for release or something more. Please serious responses.

25 years. Neither of you would last that long if you don’t love each other. Eventually sex and intimacy would subside. You are not alone in this, this happens to many other couples. But just because intimacy is subsiding, that doesn’t mean you begin to love each other less. Sex can indeed be separated from love.

if you’ve been together for 25 years, i believe you can discuss this openly. What your needs are, what he needs, and whether you can give him what he needs. Transitioning into an open relationship has worked wonders for several couples I know. It may not work for everyone, but it might work in your case if you can no longer give him the level of intimacy that he desires.

 

[cherryboom66]

25 years. Neither of you would last that long if you don’t love each other. Eventually sex and intimacy would subside. You are not alone in this, this happens to many other couples. But just because intimacy is subsiding, that doesn’t mean you begin to love each other less. Sex can indeed be separated from love.

if you’ve been together for 25 years, i believe you can discuss this openly. What your needs are, what he needs, and whether you can give him what he needs. Transitioning into an open relationship has worked wonders for several couples I know. It may not work for everyone, but it might work in your case if you can no longer give him the level of intimacy that he desires.

Open relationships make me sooooo angry.

 

[erpap]

I don’t think you should comfront him at all.
We all need sexual outlets and if you’re both friends and it’s working go behind one another’s backs either online or in real life.

similar situation here

Do you meet people in real life or just online?

 

[erpap]

25 years. Neither of you would last that long if you don’t love each other. Eventually sex and intimacy would subside. You are not alone in this, this happens to many other couples. But just because intimacy is subsiding, that doesn’t mean you begin to love each other less. Sex can indeed be separated from love.

if you’ve been together for 25 years, i believe you can discuss this openly. What your needs are, what he needs, and whether you can give him what he needs. Transitioning into an open relationship has worked wonders for several couples I know. It may not work for everyone, but it might work in your case if you can no longer give him the level of intimacy that he desires.

I mention to him if he want to be with other people. I gave him his opportunity to say yes or let’s talk about it and his reply was no, no or other people, no to have been with other people and no he doesn’t want to end relationship.