Ok all my married guys. How would you feel if before you got married your wife and u decided to lay your past on the table so you each had no problems after married. Then you find out years after that she has lied to you about guys she had slept with and other sexual things. This is not about me it’s a friend who’s wife did this to him. He is pretty pissed about it. I told him it’s the past and she is with u for a reason. I do get where he is coming from though. What’s everyone else think?
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halcyondays
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IMO it's most important to respect the privacy of a mate and never ask about her/his previous loves or sex life. It belongs to them and no one else. So the first thing is not to ask or pry about their past relationships or to volunteer any information about yours.
That said if a couple agrees to share it all, share it all. Don't hold anything back. Lying about it got your friend's wife caught later on and he resents her for it.
One example which happened to me when I was young were girlfriends who told me they were virgins. I hadn't even asked. I don't know why they volunteered the information. Perhaps they were trying to project the I'm not a slut persona. I didn't believe them but held my tongue except to say it wasn't my business and it didn't matter to me one way or another.
Later I found out they lied, in one case after the breakup. It was only mildly disappointing since I hadn't believed them in the first place. Trust became an issue when the lie was discovered during the relationship. What else is she lying about?
I have always expected girlfriends to have had previous loves and sex lives and to have enjoyed them.
That said it sounds like some of your friend's anger might be due to sexual jealousy. If that's the case he needs to get over it.
That said if a couple agrees to share it all, share it all. Don't hold anything back. Lying about it got your friend's wife caught later on and he resents her for it.
One example which happened to me when I was young were girlfriends who told me they were virgins. I hadn't even asked. I don't know why they volunteered the information. Perhaps they were trying to project the I'm not a slut persona. I didn't believe them but held my tongue except to say it wasn't my business and it didn't matter to me one way or another.
Later I found out they lied, in one case after the breakup. It was only mildly disappointing since I hadn't believed them in the first place. Trust became an issue when the lie was discovered during the relationship. What else is she lying about?
I have always expected girlfriends to have had previous loves and sex lives and to have enjoyed them.
That said it sounds like some of your friend's anger might be due to sexual jealousy. If that's the case he needs to get over it.
^ this
^ but also this
Short version: don't open the bottle unless you're sure the genie is friendly.
I was born into a world that wasn’t made by or for me, and I expect to spend my life trying to understand my context without a comprehensive set of information about it or any accommodation of or to how I think my life and my context should be.
Put another way, before I was born, my world didn’t exist, and it won’t ever exist again after I die.
This means I expect not to know everything about my past or anyone else’s.
I feel the same way about relationships.
NCbear (who doesn’t want to be with a life partner who’s a habitual liar, but who also recognizes that I will never know everything about my now husband)
Put another way, before I was born, my world didn’t exist, and it won’t ever exist again after I die.
This means I expect not to know everything about my past or anyone else’s.
I feel the same way about relationships.
NCbear (who doesn’t want to be with a life partner who’s a habitual liar, but who also recognizes that I will never know everything about my now husband)
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I am not married legally, but it all essence I am. Past sexual histories are of no interest to me unless they are going to affect my relationship with my partner. For example someone who was anally sexually assaulted may want to mention that they had a very bad experience and will never do anal. I would respect that. Or perhaps they have never done anal, I would want to know that. I have no interest in discussing my number of partners with anyone and if I don’t want to share my history, why should a partner be required to do that? As for discussions that somehow lead to revelations of sexual histories, I would avoid them like the plague! The most I have shared with a partner is that my coming out year was not pretty, but I am no longer in that frame of mind.
I'll deviate a bit in saying that I do think sexual histories matter, but I qualify it by not really being mad or pissed about it.
Like people have said previously, the past is the past and can't be treated like some posthumous disrepectful dig at me or our relationship, but it is appropriate context as to where our relationship goes, assuming we stay together. First the lying is a red flag, it means you didnt just neglect to tell me something, you actively decieved me in order to control an aspect of the decisions about us that I get to make. I get to not want to be the sexual partner of someone that frequented gangbangs in her past. I don't get to make her feel bad about having done so, so obviously a precarious balance has to be met, but I dont have to accept it for my life going forward. And really why should I accept something now that you wouldn't let me accept earlier?
If the questions about said guys and said other sexual things were asked by OPs friend, then for whatever reason they were important to him and in the interests of an open and intimate relationship they deserved honest answers or at the very least an assertion of not wanting to talk about it all, which at least then puts onus back upon him if he wants to accept that or not.
The guy's problem probably carries an air of sexual jealousy, and sure he should attend to that in his own time and space, but the lying is on her and she deserves all of the disdain and mistrust as a result.
Like people have said previously, the past is the past and can't be treated like some posthumous disrepectful dig at me or our relationship, but it is appropriate context as to where our relationship goes, assuming we stay together. First the lying is a red flag, it means you didnt just neglect to tell me something, you actively decieved me in order to control an aspect of the decisions about us that I get to make. I get to not want to be the sexual partner of someone that frequented gangbangs in her past. I don't get to make her feel bad about having done so, so obviously a precarious balance has to be met, but I dont have to accept it for my life going forward. And really why should I accept something now that you wouldn't let me accept earlier?
If the questions about said guys and said other sexual things were asked by OPs friend, then for whatever reason they were important to him and in the interests of an open and intimate relationship they deserved honest answers or at the very least an assertion of not wanting to talk about it all, which at least then puts onus back upon him if he wants to accept that or not.
The guy's problem probably carries an air of sexual jealousy, and sure he should attend to that in his own time and space, but the lying is on her and she deserves all of the disdain and mistrust as a result.
Your wrong about him. Did you not read what I wrote. They both agreed to tell eachother everything before they got married. She did not tell him the truth like he told her. I think he has a right to be mad at her for this. What he decides to do about it only he can figure that out.
im not married, and i dont know if i ever will be, but respecting someone's past has to be part of the deal, dont make them tell you things, they will tell you on their own when they are comfortable, if you push and push then they just might lie just to get you off their back. everyone has a past, some good, some not so good. cant judge people based on that.
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My mother taught me right: She is the same as you. Why even bother with our sexual pasts? I was with a LOT of women before I was married. I played in rock bands. I NEVER judged a woman for her sexual behaviors or "numbers". So she's had a lot of sex... so? She's lived life. It's never easy to bear open our kinks.
Have you ever specifically lied to a woman about your sexual past, or did you just not opt to share, because I think that is the true issue here...one "No Comment" from the wife puts the blame squarely on the husband in this situation, instead she lied. And I dont think anybody here would appreciate their future or current spouse lying about any inquiry that was important enough to be asked about in the first place.
Now I bet if the situation was about a man lying about his bi/homo encounters prior to getting married to a woman, even assuming he stopped all auxilary activity once he committed to her, I dont think anybody here would have as hard of an opinion about her being upset about the lie and opting out of the relationship as a result of it...
None of us has a right to degrade somebody or their sexual past, but we absolutely have the right to be selective about what sexual history we want to serve as context for our future going forward, and lying deprives us of that right, no matter how well intentioned
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We all think we enter into our relationship with full disclosure. Especially as we enter marriage. My wife knows I'm an open book about my past. She's open about hers. After 30 years it doesn't come up much. Occasionally we watch some porn together and we may comment about a sex act. I may say I had a mfm night like the one on the screen. She'll say of course, you were a slut and we'll laugh. She may even one up me with her trip she did with her best friend where they did a fmf with a guy. Love and sex can two different things. BTW, I prefered promiscuous women as I dated. I married one and still enjoy the sex.
This is a tough question. We all have a past. Ideally, the wife might have said,
"I think the past is best left in the past." If she wasn't interested in sharing the
right thing was not to lie - always a bad idea.
My situation is, we got together at age 40. We had a past - but it isn't relevant today.
The Lying is the Problem!
I think the wife needs to apologize and the husband needs to accept the apology and
leave it in the past. (Unless he is "using" this lie against her and wants out).
"I think the past is best left in the past." If she wasn't interested in sharing the
right thing was not to lie - always a bad idea.
My situation is, we got together at age 40. We had a past - but it isn't relevant today.
The Lying is the Problem!
I think the wife needs to apologize and the husband needs to accept the apology and
leave it in the past. (Unless he is "using" this lie against her and wants out).
Ok guys here is an update. I talked to him today and asked how things are going. It’s gotten worse. I guess he asked her why she never told him and she said she wanted to forget about this guy that she was camping when she met him and it was a one night stand when she was younger. She said she didn’t even want to sleep with him, but she did cause he wanted to. Here is the kicker she also told him the guys dick was really big. Not sure why she would tell him this now, but he is even more pissed then before.
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this is HIS issue and he needs to deal with it. if it bothers him that much then he just needs to act on it and move on with his life or talk it over with his wife and figure out how they move on together knowing what he knows. it doesn't have to be a deal breaker but that's up to him to decide, not her.
our past sex life should be of no consequence to our present or future sex life as long as the bad habits are gone or under control. whether or not an individual wants to take on that risk/responsibility with a person who has a history is on the shoulders of said individual; and if that individual was not aware then it is what it is...
there's no shame either way he goes and there is no right or wrong here. it's just what his values are in this scenario and is he willing to deal with it or not. wasting energy in the interim sulking about it doesn't do anyone any good, especially him.
some may look at him as childish but it's his life and he's the one that has to deal with it so the choice is his to make and judging him only makes us look childish too.
our past sex life should be of no consequence to our present or future sex life as long as the bad habits are gone or under control. whether or not an individual wants to take on that risk/responsibility with a person who has a history is on the shoulders of said individual; and if that individual was not aware then it is what it is...
there's no shame either way he goes and there is no right or wrong here. it's just what his values are in this scenario and is he willing to deal with it or not. wasting energy in the interim sulking about it doesn't do anyone any good, especially him.
some may look at him as childish but it's his life and he's the one that has to deal with it so the choice is his to make and judging him only makes us look childish too.
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He needs to realize that his wife has been married to him, not the other people from her past for years for a reason. He can’t change the past. Sure I’m sure he would have liked her to be more honest and catching a partner in lies always brings on the “If they lied about this then what else have they lied about” but also he needs to realize that maybe she lied because they were early in their relationship and hadn’t built up years of trust with him and was afraid of being judged too harshly for something that she did that she regrets.
If he’s that bothered about it then he needs to get over whatever it is that she did first then he needs to tell her that he wishes she would have just been forthright about it and let it be. Tell her that he won’t ask about it again and move on.
As others have stated this is the reason why you have to be careful when talking about/divulging information about your past with a current partner.
If he’s that bothered about it then he needs to get over whatever it is that she did first then he needs to tell her that he wishes she would have just been forthright about it and let it be. Tell her that he won’t ask about it again and move on.
As others have stated this is the reason why you have to be careful when talking about/divulging information about your past with a current partner.
We all have a past. Getting pissed about sexual exploits before you came into the picture is pretty ridiculous, especially if you married the person already. Just my 2 cents
