Monogamous Couples

[socalfreak]

Ad hominem attacks and name calling never help to advance a mature discussion. You just come across as needlessly hostile. Come on, that's the best you can come up with?

Thank you for agreeing with me and not trying to defend a weak position.

 

[canadian_guy486]

I can understand people having open relationships when they are just dating, but I never understand why married couples do it. To me marriage means you are connecting your life to this person forever. You’ve found the one person you want to be with for life and only want to be with them. You don’t want multiple sexual partners or romantic relationships, you want stability and consistency and you are choosing this person to be your life partner who you will grow old with and live your life together. If you want to be in an open relationship that’s fine, all the power to you, I just don’t understand why you bring marriage into it? Just be single and sleep around if that’s what you want? Is it the comfort of having one person you can go back to at the end of the day? If you want to have one stable relationship in your life where you always have someone to go back to at your loneliest, then just have them as your partner without the legality of marriage. Like marriage says “this person is committed to me and I am committed to them.”, but then you choose to sleep around with other people? What is the point of bringing marriage into it? Maybe I’m just naive.

 

[Lallallero]

Me and my boyfriend are in a monogamy relationship. I couldn’t separate the sex from the love, for me they are made to be together. Plus, I couldn’t kiss, fuck or get a bj knowing that my partner maybe 3 hours before had sex with others. It’s just disgusting for me.

 

[sodominsane]

I believe monogamy is unnatural and harmful to the male psyche. Forced monogamy is akin to sexual slavery. It's a crime against nature and just plain wrong. Don't do it, don't be monogamous, it's bad for you.

Although I believe it’s damaging to male and female psych

 

[Notime]

I absolutely love watching people: type, words, in a language, on a computer, made of plastic and silicone, by a different machine, that then sends their message across the globe, over fiber-optic lines, about what is or is not "natural" for humans to do. Oh. So you're all about doing what's "natural," huh? How's that "hunting and killing your own food" thing going? Seasonal migration? Absolutely savage xenophobia? Rape? Infanticide? Dying by 35?

Oh, but it sounds good though! PLUS, it arguably justifies fucking around on a partner (or whatever other appetite is currently desired), which is really the goal here, not actually conforming with some romanticized notion of some kind of free-love utopia that humans supposedly live in in a hypothetical "natural" state.

 

[paruk]

I am in an open relationship with my partner and it suits us both. I was a bit reluctant to start with but now (well not right now because of c19) I am loving it.
Many times I have asked myself if this might lead to be polyamorous as well? I would like to hear experiences about this. Personally, atm, I don't feel the need for this type of relationship as our current state (just sex with other guys) suits me fine but very often I talk with friends about it and they say they would never agree to an open relationship for fear of being put aside by new potential lovers....

 

[Lance V]

I looked but never touched in both of my marriages. Was I tempted? Often. But I made a vow. We had an agreement.

I didn't realize that my second wife handled the merchandise quite often. When I finally busted her that was one of her solutions: to have the freedom to see other people. I agreed to that, but not while married to her. I could not trust her after that.

I am currently in a LDR with a married woman who has her husband's blessing as long as it's just me. So, I guess it's a limited open relationship, except she's the only one taking advantage of it. He has no interest in sex with anyone, including her.

 

[TouchMeHere]

Although I believe it’s damaging to male and female psych

You possess a deep wisdom.

 

[Sagittarius84]

I dont think monogamy itself is the issue; there's too many folks out there that for who it works...What the problem is is monogamy more often than not wielded as a tool to get the relationship people seek, as opposed to it being the relationship that is sought out. On the extreme heteronormative scale, that tends to translate to men whom want to fuck around but dont want their partners to, and women whom want to place themselves as the sole source of sexual satisfaction to keep a person instead of relying on their other qualities to maintain a relationship. Monogamy is far too often the means when it should be the end...but I i dont think people are really prepared to fulfill the tenets of monogamy even as they feel entitled to reap its benefits

 

[Motion-of-the-Ocean]

Since I've noticed some judgement going on in this thread for those who decided not to subscribe to eternal monogamy and a superiority complex by those that have, I thought I'd clarify my position.

As I stated, the decision that lead us to bring others into our sex life was not a spontaneous thing but a journey that was never even thought about for almost the first 15 years of our marriage. I thought like many in this thread, that sex with others outside a committed relationship was morally questionable and love & sex were the same. The evolution from this previous way of thinking has in no way damaged our relationship and in fact has made it stronger. This has also been only a transitory phase of our relationship as we have been exclusive again to each other for the past several years and perhaps will continue to be for the remainder of our lives for reasons that have nothing to do with martial issues.

At the same time I realize the value of some sort of monogamy when it comes to issues like raising children and promoting martial harmony and have never advocated free-love sex outside marriage without rules or forethought. There is also a vast difference in mutually consensual sex outside a committed relationship and cheating behind one's partner's back and the latter should definitely be looked down upon and discouraged and that is a whole nother topic. There is also the fact that due to the strong pull of jealousy as well as possessiveness and feeling of ownership of one's partner, non-monogamy will never be the norm for most couples and that is fine too.

For me, that choice should be up to both the individual and the couple in question and there is no right or wrong answer...only what they decide for them. Most will never reach that level in their relationship where they can acknowledge their desire for someone else sexually or handle thinking about or seeing their partner with another. Most will continue to have sex with only the same person forever and again there is nothing wrong with that and it may be the right answer...for them. I do not judge those who subscribe to lifetime monogamy (especially since I used to be one of them), but neither should those who have chosen not to be judged (or insulted) either and unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case here. A fact that seems all the more incredulous on a site dedicated to open-minded sexual topics and where people are looking at naked body parts that do not belong to their committed partner.

 

[athleteguy]

I honestly don't believe humans were meant to be monogamous. I think that's a construct forced on us by religion and society.

Word.

It's not that monogamy isn't natural, it's that a lot of people can't control themselves.

You do understand that what you just said is paradox? )

 

[bkbll2010]

Idk why people are bashing each other if they don’t agree with monogamy. To each their own, if they want to be monogamous, great. If they don’t want to be, great. Unless it is personally effecting you, what’s it matter?

 

[ronin001]

Granted some relationships can remain intact, even with the introduction of other sex partners. Many can not, The suggestion can be another way of saying, I am bored with what we have. Erotic as it may be it has ruined as many relationships as it has saved.

Personally I am old fashioned, and only have the energy to devote to one woman in my life

FYI ( Straight / Gay ) Male / female. Your partners may be testing you . If you are out at Dinner and an attractive man / woman passes by. If your partner / wife ever ever ever asks if you think she / he is pretty - handsome Always take 2 seconds and think. before you answer. The answer should always always be NO; or Yes; but not as pretty / handsome as you .

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[Scarletbegonia]

This is 100% the way I think about it too.

the responses above you were both pro and anti monogamy.
Could you clarify your “this?”

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I am in an open relationship with my partner and it suits us both. I was a bit reluctant to start with but now (well not right now because of c19) I am loving it.
Many times I have asked myself if this might lead to be polyamorous as well? I would like to hear experiences about this. Personally, atm, I don't feel the need for this type of relationship as our current state (just sex with other guys) suits me fine but very often I talk with friends about it and they say they would never agree to an open relationship for fear of being put aside by new potential lovers....

Thank you for expressing the difference between “open” and “poly.”
To me, from reading and observation, open is just sex. Poly suggests feelings could be involved, temporary or long lasting, with and without the “primary” (or rather originating?) couple both being involved.
I know people in polycules, where each is considered married to all.
I was originally put off by the hierarchical nature of so many triads I saw growing up.

Here is the rub, open can wind up with a pregnant second partner, a divorce and the originating couple blown apart, ending the love between them, functionally.

Add the number of people who will lie and say their marriage/long term partnership is “open” or “poly” when the other is unaware and the slimeball making the pitch is simply cheating.

Earlier, I responded and used the phrase relationship management, and said it’s not for me.
The headaches of multiple partners outweighs any potential benefit, to me.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I looked but never touched in both of my marriages. Was I tempted? Often. But I made a vow. We had an agreement.

I didn't realize that my second wife handled the merchandise quite often. When I finally busted her that was one of her solutions: to have the freedom to see other people. I agreed to that, but not while married to her. I could not trust her after that.

I am currently in a LDR with a married woman who has her husband's blessing as long as it's just me. So, I guess it's a limited open relationship, except she's the only one taking advantage of it. He has no interest in sex with anyone, including her.

what happens if/when you want a relationship? Do you end things with her (them, really) and go one? Or are you free to seek while with her, in her eyes, and in yours?

 

[Lance V]

what happens if/when you want a relationship? Do you end things with her (them, really) and go one? Or are you free to seek while with her, in her eyes, and in yours?

Frankly, this is the weirdest relationship in which I've been involved. I understand why it's happening, but like you allude what happens if she wants more.

Personally, I don't want another long term thing. I've been single for 10 years, and I'm pretty good at it. I tried twice, and while each had unique issues I'm the common variable and the only one I can control.

I don't know where this relationship is going. It's been a few months since we've been together, and I think she's satisfied for now. But the door has been opened, and she has the key. She controls it.

Really, one of the reasons I even agreed to this is that I had a feeling if it wasn't going to be me it was going to be someone else. Maybe? Maybe not. I don't dare say I was completely altruistic and looking out for her own good. I kind of had an eye on mine as well.

She is not an exclusive with me, and I've told her that. She said I am with her. I'll let her deal with that in her own way. But with my current activity she's almost an exclusive.

As it stands now the physical relationship is dormant. I talk more with her husband than with her, but our conversations are vastly different. And that's a huge head game.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Frankly, this is the weirdest relationship in which I've been involved. I understand why it's happening, but like you allude what happens if she wants more.

Personally, I don't want another long term thing. I've been single for 10 years, and I'm pretty good at it. I tried twice, and while each had unique issues I'm the common variable and the only one I can control.

I don't know where this relationship is going. It's been a few months since we've been together, and I think she's satisfied for now. But the door has been opened, and she has the key. She controls it.

Really, one of the reasons I even agreed to this is that I had a feeling if it wasn't going to be me it was going to be someone else. Maybe? Maybe not. I don't dare say I was completely altruistic and looking out for her own good. I kind of had an eye on mine as well.

She is not an exclusive with me, and I've told her that. She said I am with her. I'll let her deal with that in her own way. But with my current activity she's almost an exclusive.

As it stands now the physical relationship is dormant. I talk more with her husband than with her, but our conversations are vastly different. And that's a huge head game.

Would you say you and he are friends?

 

[palakaorion]

Palaka, that sounds like demisexual. Aroused only by the emotionally-tied mate.

Just looked it up, yes, that's me. Certainly kept me out of trouble.

 

[paruk]

Thank you for expressing the difference between “open” and “poly.”
To me, from reading and observation, open is just sex. Poly suggests feelings could be involved, temporary or long lasting, with and without the “primary” (or rather originating?) couple both being involved.
I know people in polycules, where each is considered married to all.
I was originally put off by the hierarchical nature of so many triads I saw growing up.

Here is the rub, open can wind up with a pregnant second partner, a divorce and the originating couple blown apart, ending the love between them, functionally.

Add the number of people who will lie and say their marriage/long term partnership is “open” or “poly” when the other is unaware and the slimeball making the pitch is simply cheating.

Earlier, I responded and used the phrase relationship management, and said it’s not for me.
The headaches of multiple partners outweighs any potential benefit, to me.

Yes I agree with your last sentence in particular and that's the reason why I am inclined in not pursuing a poli life-style. I am very happy with my partner and our current arrangement and with some very close friendships.