New to open relationships

[Traveller78]

Anyone else here new to having an open relationship?
My girlfriend is only the second woman I've had an open relationship with. We're still relatively new together and for much of that time she's been overseas. It was her suggestion (after a long heart to heart call where I came out to her as being bisexual and she countered this by telling me that a man she'd met on holiday - before we met - had invited her to visit).
I'm enjoying the freedom but it's still a difficult one as she seems to have no inhibition and perhaps doesn't realise the frustration / jealousy / arousal her life arouses in me.
Anyone have a similar experience?

 

[lapdog2001]

The closest I've come to having an open relationship is with a long-term friends with benefits. While we really enjoyed each other as friends and hung out together, did things together or in groups, we knew we weren't 'right' for each other as a monogamous romantic relationship. That meant she was always searching for "the" guy that would fit that role, but very happily maintaining our fun and very sexual relationship. She attracted men very easily, but I wasn't confident as she was when it came to meeting other women, so our 'open relationship' was essentially one-sided - she fucked other guys.

Hopefully you will get responses from others that have successfully navigated long-distance and open relationships. Most of the stories I've heard haven't been good news for the original relationship, sorry.

 

[Ernestoteles]

I think it's good and worthy of support if someone wants to pursue their erotic or sexual interests. I certainly won't stand in the way — my task is to set others free, not cage them.

Every relationship has its own rules, which you both need to agree on. Apart from that, anything goes!

“The Sociosexual Orientation Inventory (SOI-R) is a 9-item self-report questionnaire designed to measure individuals differences in the tendency to have casual, uncommitted sexual relationships. This tendency, termed sociosexuality or sociosexual orientation, is divided into three facets measured by the inventory: behavior (in terms of number of casual and changing sex partners), attitude (towards uncommitted sex) and desire (for people not in a romantic relationship).” (Wikipedia)

Here you can find the questions: https://www.larspenke.eu/pdfs/SOI-R Manual.pdf

You could put a positive spin on the story by accepting her copulator as your proxy, keeping her happy in that faraway place while you embark on homosexual adventures. That's much better for both of you than a monastic life, don't you think? And the symmetry ensures that she doesn't have to feel selfish because her behaviour is also beneficial for you.

If you are prone to jealousy and low in sociosexuality, the prospects are bleak. If you are high in sociosexuality, you can work on your jealousy. Polyamorists are the best advisors for this:

Navigating Jealousy in Polyamory: Tips and Strategies to Deal with Jealousy

Finally, we are always in competition with others. If there is a better candidate, then that is the way it is, from the perspective of the person who decides.

 

[Traveller78]

Thank you for your replies. They deserve a proper response but quickly for now.

The sociosexual questions are interesting. I seem to score highly on this which is positive. I'm surprised there aren't questions on jealousy, fantasies etc regarding one's partner. My take is that most men would score highly, until someone was screwing their wife or girlfriend.

For me it's a difficult balance of freedom (good), adds spice to our sex life (she's away for a year or more) (good), addresses both of our fantasies (hearing about each other having sex with another) (good), leaves me free to enjoy sex with a male friend (good although currently looking for a new 'friend') and jealousy knowing she's being fucked regularly by other men (not good).

Further replies soon.

 

[Traveller78]

A couple more thoughts on this.

The nature of the relationship certainly matters. My previous experience was with a girl who confronted me the night we met and told me she was seeing someone casually but looking for a boyfriend too. No surprises and a fun relationship based around sex.

The current relationship is more emotional and so knowing what she's up to causes a little discomfort.

The second consideration is distance. The first was living nearby so we saw each other regularly. I was her regular partner. My girlfriend lives overseas for now so we meet a few times a year. Mostly she's sleeping with a neighbour with occasional weekends away with a couple of different men she knows. I get to see less of her than anyone I suspect. Sure, we're close, but she's mostly in someone else's bed.

 

[Traveller78]

One other thought, is knowing what she's doing better or worse? I'd rather know, and enjoy discussing our experiences, but it's difficult hearing about last night or her anticipation of a dirty weekend away.

Thoughts?

 

[Traveller78]

The closest I've come to having an open relationship is with a long-term friends with benefits. While we really enjoyed each other as friends and hung out together, did things together or in groups, we knew we weren't 'right' for each other as a monogamous romantic relationship. That meant she was always searching for "the" guy that would fit that role, but very happily maintaining our fun and very sexual relationship. She attracted men very easily, but I wasn't confident as she was when it came to meeting other women, so our 'open relationship' was essentially one-sided - she fucked other guys.

Hopefully you will get responses from others that have successfully navigated long-distance and open relationships. Most of the stories I've heard haven't been good news for the original relationship, sorry.

What you describe sounds fun. Low stress relationship with plenty of sex and freedom. The first open relationship I had was like that. Technically she was my girlfriend but from the first time I knew she was fucking two other men regularly so perhaps the emotional aspect was constrained from the start. We also lived nearby (and together for a few months) so even if she'd had a night with someone else I knew we'd be back in bed together the next night. I think it kept our sex life exciting and gave me a little freedom too.

The current relationship is different. We were ten thousand miles apart when she told me she wanted to start seeing other men and ultimately I know that I've no say in the matter. She gets plenty of male attention so I'd be naive to expect a monogamous relationship, but it's both a turn on and a frustration knowing that she's looking forward to a naughty weekend or an afternoon meet after we hang up. I think it's the brazen way it's discussed that troubles me (maybe not, with the other girlfriend it was just the same but didn't trouble me). Like "he was really horny yesterday and so we didn't go out for dinner but went straight to his place". It turns me on but pisses me off too.

 

[elklindoxxx]

Anyone else here new to having an open relationship?
My girlfriend is only the second woman I've had an open relationship with. We're still relatively new together and for much of that time she's been overseas. It was her suggestion (after a long heart to heart call where I came out to her as being bisexual and she countered this by telling me that a man she'd met on holiday - before we met - had invited her to visit).
I'm enjoying the freedom but it's still a difficult one as she seems to have no inhibition and perhaps doesn't realise the frustration / jealousy / arousal her life arouses in me.
Anyone have a similar experience?

My partner and I go with other couples.

And from what you briefly explained, it seems as if you 'crash landed' into this situation. Before we started going with other couples, we discussed it extensively. And went to a sex therapist to make sure it was the correct choice for us.

If you are experiencing negative emotions about your current situation, then why continue with the relationship. And out of my curiosity, you explain how this is your second open relationship...so you didn't have these feelings in your previous open relationship?