Open Relationship

Kodi.Zimmerman

Superior Member
Joined
Jul 13, 2016
Posts
8
Media
14
Likes
3,156
Points
113
Location
Chicago (Illinois, United States)
Sexuality
99% Straight, 1% Gay
Gender
Female
Okay so I need some help...

So I've been in a relationship for about a year now. Both my bf and I are in school but we are about 3.5 hours apart when school is in session.

We talked about an open relationship so that both of us could take care of our needs (its a daily thing when together) but he has been big on like certain stipulations. Only hook-ups and now FWB (basically no one person that I'd always hook up with). Nobody older than he is (we are both in grad school).

Should I expect the same from him? Is it worth even expecting that stuff?

College and recent grads, what do you think?
 
5

5307911

Guest
Okay so I need some help...

So I've been in a relationship for about a year now. Both my bf and I are in school but we are about 3.5 hours apart when school is in session.

We talked about an open relationship so that both of us could take care of our needs (its a daily thing when together) but he has been big on like certain stipulations. Only hook-ups and now FWB (basically no one person that I'd always hook up with). Nobody older than he is (we are both in grad school).

Should I expect the same from him? Is it worth even expecting that stuff?

College and recent grads, what do you think?
TBH, it sounds like you are both in the space to look for other people, except he wants to place a lot of rules on what you do.

See, once you get into the place where you are both wanting to have sex with other people, combined with distance for long periods of time, it is going to happen anyway. His wanting to put rules on you does not guarantee that he will follow them for himself. It just means he is trying to control you while he isn't there. Think about how he will be later in the fall semester when he starts asking you questions about what you have been up to, and the jealously of when you tell him you slept with someone one weekend. Or, maybe you won't tell him so he won't get jealous, but then you start to feel like you are hiding and somewhat cheating.

Of course, that was a little bit of projection, but I don't think I'm far off.

I think you should be realistic for yourself on what you feel you need to do. As @Gj816 said above, you have the summer. There isn't anything wrong with meeting up once school is over and seeing if you can reconnect and have fun again. You've only been together for a year, and already have been apart for most of that because of school. Maybe now is not the time to make commitments, when the both of you are already looking to meet other people.
 
D

deleted4500261

Guest
I am of the mindset that if you’re young and your relationship is already getting complicated maybe take advantage of it and take a break and try some other things. If his desires line up with your own then maybe try it out but set up your own parameters that you both can agree on.
If this arrangement isn’t what you want, don’t do it.
 

JonSomebody

Worshipped Member
Joined
Sep 20, 2017
Posts
1,019
Media
0
Likes
16,436
Points
308
Location
Ohio (United States)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
I gotten involved with a gay couple who had an open relationship and our arrangement lasted a little over two years. However, it was not the ideal situation that I wanted to seek out. I was pursued by this couple constantly especially since we both reside at that time in a duplex house and they lived above me. Once I decided to give it a try...I had assumed that this was a one time experience..however, it became so much more than I anticipated. As the situation progressed...I began to notice some issues that one of the guys were having with our arrangement. First of all...from what I've was told much later on that I was the first African-American guy that they ever engaged with sexually...Secondly..one partner became jealous with the fact that the other partner would respond or react totally different with me than with him sexually. In other words...what I've noticed is that the other partner became so comfortable and open with me sexually it his connection with me drove his partner crazy because he had never saw or imagine his partner being so engaged and open sexually.

The only reason why the jealous partner kept the arrangement going because the only way his partner would have sex with him was only if I participated. I have to be honest and mention that the partner that who liked me a lot..the sexual connection he and I had was incredible and many times...he would meet with me when the jealous partner would go to work or go visit his family and he would have me all to himself. What I began to realize that their relationship was so toxic that I could not understand why they were together. In fact...the jealous partner had very little sexual contact with me ..when he did...he performed oral sex on me and whatever sexual engagement we would rarely have was because his partner demanded him to do so which many times was kissing and dry humping.

Although the partner I had the chemistry with would beg me not to terminate our arrangement whenever I would bring up that it was time for me to stop the arrangement ...when he would start kissing me ...sex would soon follow and I would forget all about it...like I said...sex with him was incredible. However, one evening ...the jealous partner came to visit me alone and asked to talk one on one. The conversation helped me to come to reason and leave this toxic arrangement altogether. He laid his cards on the table so to speak in regards to his feelings towards me. I had to remind him that he and his partner pursued me to become a part of this situation...no idea of mine because when I'm in a relationship....those thoughts/ideas would never come up for discussion.

Nonetheless..we came to terms and I decided to put an end to our arrangement. He asked me for a hug which was a little too long but what I found shocking was he went in for a kiss and then revealed to me that he wanted to have one on one sex with me once and for all. Stupid me agreed to it and in no time...this guy displayed a lot of pent up sexual feelings he also had for me and to be honest..I was pretty impressed with his sexual performance. Afterwards while cuddling..he told me that he changed his mind and want to keep the arrangement going...immediately I declined and kept to my word no matter how many times these two would pursue me. Eventually...I started seeing someone on a serious level and then I moved away. To this day..I run into them from time to time and they are still involved with each other with other guys as well...every now and then they would bring up our arrangement and I would just shoot it down and graciously move on.
 

cedarizzo

Superior Member
Joined
Apr 15, 2013
Posts
1,495
Media
34
Likes
6,513
Points
533
Location
Champaign, IL, USA
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
Okay so I need some help...

So I've been in a relationship for about a year now. Both my bf and I are in school but we are about 3.5 hours apart when school is in session.

We talked about an open relationship so that both of us could take care of our needs (its a daily thing when together) but he has been big on like certain stipulations. Only hook-ups and now FWB (basically no one person that I'd always hook up with). Nobody older than he is (we are both in grad school).

Should I expect the same from him? Is it worth even expecting that stuff?

College and recent grads, what do you think?

You and your partner have to make rules that you both want and will both follow. If you don't think your partner will follow the rules he made, then you don't trust him and it won't work out.

My partner and I are in a long-distance open relationship. We have a few rules we both agreed upon. Don't get attached. And keep it discreet. I've had a few fuck buddies, but I always make it known it is sex only, nothing else. And I keep it discreet because he used to live here and we both don't want our friends to see anything. He has to keep it discreet because of the small town he lives in now. But we both agreed upon the rules and I know I follow them. And I believe he does too. Trust is everything.
 
  • Like
Reactions: P.J.9 and titan1968

cedarizzo

Superior Member
Joined
Apr 15, 2013
Posts
1,495
Media
34
Likes
6,513
Points
533
Location
Champaign, IL, USA
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
I gotten involved with a gay couple who had an open relationship and our arrangement lasted a little over two years. However, it was not the ideal situation that I wanted to seek out. I was pursued by this couple constantly especially since we both reside at that time in a duplex house and they lived above me. Once I decided to give it a try...I had assumed that this was a one time experience..however, it became so much more than I anticipated. As the situation progressed...I began to notice some issues that one of the guys were having with our arrangement. First of all...from what I've was told much later on that I was the first African-American guy that they ever engaged with sexually...Secondly..one partner became jealous with the fact that the other partner would respond or react totally different with me than with him sexually. In other words...what I've noticed is that the other partner became so comfortable and open with me sexually it his connection with me drove his partner crazy because he had never saw or imagine his partner being so engaged and open sexually.

The only reason why the jealous partner kept the arrangement going because the only way his partner would have sex with him was only if I participated. I have to be honest and mention that the partner that who liked me a lot..the sexual connection he and I had was incredible and many times...he would meet with me when the jealous partner would go to work or go visit his family and he would have me all to himself. What I began to realize that their relationship was so toxic that I could not understand why they were together. In fact...the jealous partner had very little sexual contact with me ..when he did...he performed oral sex on me and whatever sexual engagement we would rarely have was because his partner demanded him to do so which many times was kissing and dry humping.

Although the partner I had the chemistry with would beg me not to terminate our arrangement whenever I would bring up that it was time for me to stop the arrangement ...when he would start kissing me ...sex would soon follow and I would forget all about it...like I said...sex with him was incredible. However, one evening ...the jealous partner came to visit me alone and asked to talk one on one. The conversation helped me to come to reason and leave this toxic arrangement altogether. He laid his cards on the table so to speak in regards to his feelings towards me. I had to remind him that he and his partner pursued me to become a part of this situation...no idea of mine because when I'm in a relationship....those thoughts/ideas would never come up for discussion.

Nonetheless..we came to terms and I decided to put an end to our arrangement. He asked me for a hug which was a little too long but what I found shocking was he went in for a kiss and then revealed to me that he wanted to have one on one sex with me once and for all. Stupid me agreed to it and in no time...this guy displayed a lot of pent up sexual feelings he also had for me and to be honest..I was pretty impressed with his sexual performance. Afterwards while cuddling..he told me that he changed his mind and want to keep the arrangement going...immediately I declined and kept to my word no matter how many times these two would pursue me. Eventually...I started seeing someone on a serious level and then I moved away. To this day..I run into them from time to time and they are still involved with each other with other guys as well...every now and then they would bring up our arrangement and I would just shoot it down and graciously move on.

I had a fuck buddy that the sex was amazing. We were both in open relationships but needed to keep it discreet. Well, it turns out his relationship wasn't open and his partner found out about it. So we stopped messing around. It was tough because the sex with him was so incredible. A few years later, he contacted me again. He said they were working on an open relationship and they both wanted me to come over. Long story short, I went over and it was obvious the partner wasn't happy with the situation. My fuck buddy was super controlling and was making the partner do it. I excused myself and told the fuck buddy that he still had a lot of work to do with his partner before he would do 3ways. A few weeks later, the fuck buddy told me they had a 20 year old move in with them. He said the sex was incredible and it was what they needed. A few days later, he told me that his partner and him needed a night alone and wanted me to take the 20 yo out for the night.

I agreed to take the 20yo to see a movie that night. We agreed upon a movie and saw we had a little over an hour before it started. So we parked in the parking lot and chatted. The 20yo had taken a 150 mile bus trip to move in with the couple. He said it was a very one-sided situation. My fuck buddy was the one that pushed for the 20yo to move in with them. The partner wasn't as open to the situation. There was a lot of fighting and the partner would lock himself in a room by himself many times. Not a good situation. They had pushed me to take him out because they needed to talk. When we got back, my fuck buddy was acting very erratic. He ran out screaming at me for keeping him out too late (we had been gone 3 hours to see a movie). He told me to leave and never return. He told the 20yo to pack his stuff and get out of their house. I waited down the street for the 20yo. He didn't have any money, so I got him some snacks and drinks and a hotel room for the night. The next day, I had to leave town for work, he had me drop him off at the library. His friends were going to Western Union him the money for a bus ticket so he could go home. I was glad to get him out of that toxic situation.

My fuck buddy will look at my profile online, but he never says anything. I miss the incredible sex, but damn, that is a fucked up situation and I know to stay away from that.
 

Nosuportneeded

Superior Member
Joined
Jul 2, 2014
Posts
3,129
Media
26
Likes
5,178
Points
158
Location
West Virginia, USA
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
Rules are fine, but what is the intent? Why the age one?

it also sounds like he’s just scared your fb will become a bf by default. Understandable, but it assumes you can’t distinguish, or he’s extra worried for some reason
 
  • Like
Reactions: titan1968

stustu

Legendary Member
Joined
Nov 2, 2008
Posts
1,116
Media
0
Likes
1,721
Points
268
Location
Florida (United States)
Sexuality
90% Gay, 10% Straight
Gender
Male
It sounds to me, like the relationship has ran its course. Maybe a break is in order to determine if
you love each other or want to explore sex with other partners. If you find yourselves reaching out
to each other often - maybe the relationship is stronger than you thought. If you're on the hunt for
new partners, maybe making the break permanent might be best.
 
  • Like
Reactions: titan1968

army212

Cherished Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2020
Posts
25
Media
1
Likes
403
Points
48
Location
New York (United States)
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Male
You both have to agree and stick to whatever rules make you feel comfortable. My bf and I are together 4 years. We have to do long distance semi regularly because of work. When we are living together or apart we are both free to fuck other people. We don't get involved emotionally with others though. No limits on age or who it is though, it's just sex.
 

SamMann75

Superior Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2018
Posts
1,054
Media
0
Likes
3,268
Points
233
Location
Massachusetts (United States)
Sexuality
90% Straight, 10% Gay
Gender
Male
First, 3.5 hours isn't that far if you don't have weekend classes. I'm not saying your traveling every other weekend, but there is a long weekend in just about every month of school.

Second, you can't hold your partner to a standard you can't meet. No rules he doesn't intend to follow as well.

Third, you both make the rules and agree to all the rules. AND you both make desires and really try to meet the desire. Rules, no fucking exes. Desire, no fucking in your own bed (it might happen but try to keep our beds just for us).

Forth, honestly and communication, and when it gets bad, more honesty and communication, and when it gets worse.... you guessed it.... MORE HONESTY AND COMMUNICATION. If you lie, then you are cheating, you are no longer in an open relationship. Best way to keep trust in each other is to talk about what your doing often (you don't need details) (unless you're into that) and be honest. If you keep honesty and communication, you'll keep trust, you'll keep respect, and you will not loose love.
 

elklindoxxx

Superior Member
Cammer
Joined
Jul 1, 2013
Posts
958
Media
9
Likes
3,266
Points
263
Location
NYC
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Male
As far as i am concerned a relationship works both ways, whether or not it is open.

There are rules you MUST follow. If you don't follow the rules then it's not going to work. I was in a open relationship with another woman where it was with other couples only. We would go in and get our fucking done with and that's it. None of those side relationships just fucking.....
 
  • Like
Reactions: P.J.9
D

deleted1366799

Guest
Good luck TC. I would never open that can of worms because I know the many, many bad outcomes. Hope whatever you choose, works for you TC
 

EquusAZ

Worshipped Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Sep 17, 2008
Posts
5,152
Media
148
Likes
20,159
Points
768
Location
Baltimore (Maryland, United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
50% Straight, 50% Gay
Gender
Male
Establishing rules is fine, as long as you BOTH abide by them. Open relationships take trust and communication. Nothing wrong with that. A lof of folks on here are hung up over what the rules mean. "Why the age thing?" Thats not for us to question. Thats his rule - fine. Rules exist because there is a comfort level, whatever the reason, that shouldn't be crossed. If he has a rule, and you are fine with it, good. Likewise, he should be up to respecting your rules as well. And TALK about everything. That doesn't mean you have to give him a blow by blow, or him to you, unless that's what you want, but you should talk about how you feel and what your expectations are.
 
  • Like
Reactions: P.J.9

Infernal

Superior Member
Joined
Sep 19, 2008
Posts
3,566
Media
7
Likes
5,139
Points
593
Age
54
Location
Phoenix, Arizona, United States of America
Sexuality
99% Gay, 1% Straight
Gender
Male
If it's not on equal footing for both of you, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. My husband and I agreed on some basics and stick to them. If there is something I don't want him to do, then I'm not going to do it myself. That makes me a hypocrite.
 
  • Like
Reactions: SamMann75

tomwalker128

Expert Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2020
Posts
57
Media
0
Likes
187
Points
33
Location
London (Greater London, England)
Sexuality
100% Gay, 0% Straight
Gender
Male
Okay so I need some help...

So I've been in a relationship for about a year now. Both my bf and I are in school but we are about 3.5 hours apart when school is in session.

We talked about an open relationship so that both of us could take care of our needs (its a daily thing when together) but he has been big on like certain stipulations. Only hook-ups and now FWB (basically no one person that I'd always hook up with). Nobody older than he is (we are both in grad school).

Should I expect the same from him? Is it worth even expecting that stuff?

College and recent grads, what do you think?
I think you should go with your gut on this. Many different people will have different opinions based on their life experiences in relationships with those specific people.

Ask yourself if you want an open relationship and go with your first response.

Open relationships dont work for everyone however I do have some friends that are married that regularly have sex with other people. I personally couldn't have an open relationship bc im very traditional when it comes to things like that. If the distance is the issue, there are many other ways you two can get creative remotely to keep the intimacy in your relationship in 2020. Lol. Don't be so quick to open your relationship to outsiders if your heart isn't truly in it or your relationship will most definitely fail.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Clrwtrdlbud71-fl