Post vasectomy baby

[skippy2254]

Guys,
My wife had 8 miscarriages after our daughter was born and in 2011 I had a vasectomy due to the last one almost killing her. Now all her coworkers are pregnant and having boys. Additionally, her brother just had his first child which was a son. We have an 11 year old daughter and I always wanted a son. I am 41 and she is 34. We gave up and I accepted the fact that I would never have another kid, much less a son. Now she is wanting me to have a sperm extraction procedure done, which costs 8 grand no less. She is also looking into sperm donors. What is your thoughts on this? I accepted the fact that I wouldn't have another. I personally think that the age difference between our daughter and the potential new born would cause them to not get along/be close. I personally think that we shouldn't do anything and accept what gift God has given us however she is hell bend on this. Any thoughts/suggestions?

 

[BillM]

Adopt a Child !!

 

[Betty_Cocker]

There's no guarantee if you go through with this that you'll have a son. There's a greater probability of her not being able to carry full term. .. or even make it, according to your post.

Is it really worth it just bc you want a son ?
Wouldn't you rather have a healthy wife instead?

Im with Bill on this. Adopt.

 

[skippy2254]

There's no guarantee if you go through with this that you'll have a son. There's a greater probability of her not being able to carry full term. .. or even make it, according to your post.

Is it really worth it just bc you want a son ?
Wouldn't you rather have a healthy wife instead?

Im with Bill on this. Adopt.

My thought is to keep the status quo! Not attempt to have another child at all. She is the one pushing it. I brought up adoption and she states that she wants to try and get pregnant first. And yes, I completely understand that there is no guarantee of the baby being a boy.

 

[njfellow2002]

She sounds a little 'baby crazy' as everyone else is having kids, but based on her medical history, she needs to put the existing family (her, you and your 11yo girl) first and understand there is a risk involved. Anything from another miscarriage to unspeakably worse. She really needs to weigh that. The decision affects the whole existing family. Not to mention you are long past the diaper changing phase of parenting!

 

[skippy2254]

She sounds a little 'baby crazy' as everyone else is having kids, but based on her medical history, she needs to put the existing family (her, you and your 11yo girl) first and understand there is a risk involved. Anything from another miscarriage to unspeakably worse. She really needs to weigh that. The decision affects the whole existing family. Not to mention you are long past the diaper changing phase of parenting!

I couldn't agree with you more!

 

[Cecil56]

My older Brother was born in 1949.
I was born in 1956.
Sister born in 1963.
Little Brother born 1966.

Extreme spread of 17 years.
Little Brother was 1 yr old when older Brother went off to college.
We all get along great and love each other very much.

My Daughter got divorced.
The Granddaughter was 10 when her Dad remarried and had another baby with second wife.
Now they have another less than 1 year old.
Granddaughter helps watch and change diapers. (hates the poopy ones) LOL

If raised in a loving setting, they will be just fine.

It's you handling the situation is the question.

 

[insert_8]

In my mind, the first concern is your wife's health and her ability to carry a pregnancy to term. You, your wife, and her OB/GYN need to have an extended, serious, discussion about this.

You seem somewhat ambivalent about adding a child to your family - not really wanting that, but not totally against it if it happens. That's something to think about, but not a major concern. A lot of us in the Baby-Boom generation were in our early 40's when we completed our families.

Your concern about the age gap between your daughter and the new baby isn't a concern per se. With that much age difference the two kids are unlikely to see each other as rivals. The two kids are likely to be indifferent to each other - not "close", but so what? In contemporary U.S. culture, families tend to disperse as children become adults and live their own lives, independent of relationships with siblings. My oldest and youngest (both boys) are almost 9 years apart. They hardly noticed each other until the youngest was 8 or 9 years old, but then became close friends. Now in their 30's, they are probably closer to each other than to their parents.

Your daughter might even get caught up into a "second mother" role and become a real asset to raising the baby. On the other hand, she may develop some resentment and jealousy because her long-established position as "only child" is being disrupted.

 

[twoton]

The age difference probably wouldn't cause them to not get along, but they might not ever be really close to one another. On the other hand, there was a 24 year span between my grandmother and her youngest sister, and they were close throughout life.

However, if your wife's life would be endangered--which almost certainly means the baby's life would be endangered--it seems like a bad idea from the outset.

I personally knew a family that was in a similar situation. They had three young kids, and the mom had a serious heart condition. The doctor told her that another pregnancy would be very, very dangerous. She wanted to have a baby, and she got pregnant, and she died one afternoon while her husband was at work and her two older kids were at school and the youngest was home with her. The kids came home to find an ambulance at their house. After that, the family fell into hard times.

Are you saying your wife would go to a sperm donor if you can't provide your half of the deal? It seems like she's willing to move forward with or without your agreement. Not good.

 

[Infernal]

I would suggest using a surrogate or adopting. It sounds like another pregnancy could be fatal. No one wants that.

 

[1141702]

Nothing like an irreversible procedure to throw a wrench into things.

 

[skippy2254]

Nothing like an irreversible procedure to throw a wrench into things.

Actually the vasectomy is reversible however it costs 8 grand which is the same amount it would cost for the sperm extraction procedure (needle in balls to suck out the sperm). She has been actively looking at the profiles of the sperm donor website however I think that is as far as she has gotten.

We have discussed the what-ifs which she stated that she has gone through them all in her head and would hate herself more for at least not trying as opposed to trying and it not successful.

 

[TexanStar]

Re: your daughter, she's old enough that you could just ask her for her opinion. Our daughter has a baby girl in the family on her wish list and was badgering us to have another

I think the biggest thing to keep in consideration is age. Pregnancies are considered geriatric when the mother is age 35. Even if you have the money laying around to harvest sperm or reverse the vasectomy, there's no guarantee that your wife is going to get pregnant and there's no guarantee that if she does get pregnant that it will be without complications. I'm not advising not to do it, just suggesting that just the attempt is really going to hit your pocketbook and will really be best if you're all on the same page.

Especially if she's talking about sperm donation, I think you could also give adoption some serious consideration. That'd eliminate the health risks, guarantee that you have a son, and give a home to someone who needs one. Again, not telling you do necessarily do it, just suggesting it's worth considering.

 

[1141702]

Actually the vasectomy is reversible however it costs 8 grand which is the same amount it would cost for the sperm extraction procedure (needle in balls to suck out the sperm). She has been actively looking at the profiles of the sperm donor website however I think that is as far as she has gotten.

We have discussed the what-ifs which she stated that she has gone through them all in her head and would hate herself more for at least not trying as opposed to trying and it not successful.

Seems to me you should just get it reversed. An IUD can prevent pregnancy too...

 

[Acratopotes]

I don't see a problem with your age or that of your daughter. I am 49 and have a 18 month old toddler and her oldest sister, 9, thinks she's wonderful. She also thought the same when our middle child was born and she changed seamlessly from thinking a new baby was wonderful to playing with the middle daughter more as equals, though they are closer in age. My mum has an older sister 9 years her senior and they are close even now.

I am concerned about the likelihood of a further pregnancy resulting in further miscarriage, possibly to the detriment of your wife's health. Even if we ignore the fact that the miscarriages are more recent than the successful pregnancy that resulted in your daughter that's still 8 out of 9 pregnancies resulting in miscarriage. Surely it would be unjustified optimism to think the chance of getting another child out of each further attempt would be better that 1 in 9. Also, how does conception after the the sperm extraction work? Does the extraction have to be repeated for each attempt at pregnancy or does it rely on IVF such that a number of embryos are created for implantation? If the former it could very expensive if it takes 8 or more attempts. If the latter does the cycle of IVF provide enough embryos for the number of attempts that would likely be required or would that have to be repeated? If each attempt represents a risk to your wife's health then that risk is multiplied by the number of attempts needed.

How much do you know about the reason for the miscarriages? I may be mistaken but my impression is that for isolated miscarriages it is far more likely that a DNA copying error got in somewhere, either in the creation of the sperm or egg or in the early development of the embryo that meant the embryo did not develop properly and died rather than it being anything to do with the mother but I don't know if this also applies to multiple miscarriages. This might be relevant for the donor sperm option.

 

[halcyondays]

Her safety would be most important to me. Has her ob/gyn signed off on her being preggo again? If so I'd get second and third opinions.

 

[skippy2254]

Her safety would be most important to me. Has her ob/gyn signed off on her being preggo again? If so I'd get second and third opinions.

This has all been discussed in-house. I asked her to consult her OB/GYN as well as her family dr prior to planning anything. To my knowledge she has done neither as of yet. I truly believe this is just a pipe-dream (giving birth again) and she knows in her heart that it is unsafe but feels that "she must try" regardless. Like I have stated before, I am happy with our family dynamic as it is now and if we must add another child, I'd happily adopt a child (regardless of sex) in need of a good home instead of risking her health again.

 

[pronatalist]

You obviously should look into getting it reversed, and that is a great argument as to why humans should not use birth control. Often our desire for children can change, and most people probably are not even as fertile as the "family planning" pushers seem to want us to think that we are.

 

[pronatalist]

Actually the vasectomy is reversible however it costs 8 grand which is the same amount it would cost for the sperm extraction procedure (needle in balls to suck out the sperm). She has been actively looking at the profiles of the sperm donor website however I think that is as far as she has gotten.

We have discussed the what-ifs which she stated that she has gone through them all in her head and would hate herself more for at least not trying as opposed to trying and it not successful.

The reversal sounds like the better value, as sperm extraction is no guarantee, reversal allows for multiple efforts to conceive, and possibly even perhaps additional children.

 

[GoingOnABoeing]

Why would she want to get pregnant again if the last one almost killed her? Be grateful for what you have. Did you go to counseling after the miscarriages? That can't be easy to go through and it would benefit both of you.